Hampered by temporal distortions, my words will probably arrive to you a month later than intended. I'll explain later.

Still inside The Kennel, I felt my mind slowly going to mush, as Kennel prisoners tend to do.

My plan to overload the system board with comments fell through. Nobody typed in any numbers, but I felt a thought wave being sent from someone far away, someone that I hoped could let me out of the Kennel, and do something really serious.

When I started wondering whether the Honey Nut Cheerios bee had a girlfriend, I knew I was sliding into the abyss, and soon I would be unraveling the plot to CHiPS.

"Please!" I cried with desperation. "Someone! Help me out of here!"

Of course, the only one that answered me was Doctor Woof.

"You're an idiot," I and he said to myself simultaneously, to which I in turn snapped, "And what are the supporting premisses for this assertion?"

"Rhetorical question?" said I.

"Rhetorical answer," I responded.

Before this argument could develop any further, the gray bearded face of a Scottish Howlifreynian Terrier appeared before me, an illusion, no doubt, created by a Kennel operator with Delta Time Dog credentials.

Gold skullcap squished between lumpy little ears. Fan collar with a fire hydrant tag. Clearly a Delta on a Beta track.

"This is DTD agent Howlifrey Immigrant," the face said. "I am looking for Fifi Woof."

The voice sounded oddly feminine for a bearded face, but that was par for the course coming from a Scottie, especially here in the Kennel where nothing is what it seems.

And Howlifrey Immigrant. What kind of name was that? Being a foreigner generally isn't something one brags about. Generally.

Since I failed to respond quickly, she repeated herself. "This is agent Howlifrey Immigrant! Request contact with Fifi Woof!"

Fifi Woof. I despised that name.

"There's no Fifi here!" I yelled. "I am Doctor Woof! Doctor!"

The face frowned. "Terribly sorry, sir. I must have opened the wrong file." And she started fading away.

"Okay okay!" I shouted. "I'm Fifi Woof! It's me! How can I help you? I'll tell you anything!"

The bearded face stared at me in disbelief. "You? A Fifi?"

She burst out laughing.

I just rolled my eyes, not amused in the least.

"You're...not joking."

I only sighed.

Howlifrey Immigrant cleared her throat, trying not to smirk. "Well, ahem no. We've got a little bit of a jam, and I thought you'd be the one to help."

"Jam?" I said, licking my muzzle. "Where?"

"Focus, Fifi."

"Doctor, please," I blurted.

Howlifrey Immigrant seemed to be genuinely confused. "I'm sorry?"

Not wanting to be stuck in The Kennel forever, I didn't press the matter. "Never mind," I groaned. "Just let me out."

"Patience, Mr. Woof. All in good time. Now, what do you know about Council Dog Grrrrrr?"

"What did you say?"

"What do you know about Council..."

"No, the last part."

"Grrrrrr?"

It seemed The Kennel had been taking its toll on my mind, for I replied with, "Well, if you're that uncertain about it, you shouldn't growl at all."

"Mr. Woof, you are trying my patience."

"I thought I was trying to get out of here."

"I thought so too. Now, Council Dog Grrrrrr..."

I still had no clue in what Howlifrey Immigrant was talking about, so I said, "I like that sound. Much more pleasant. Assertive, even."

"Are you going to waste my time with this game, or are you going to tell me about Alpha Time Dog Grrrrrr?"

"Which Alpha Time Dog, Ms. Immigrant? There's more than one! And stop growling."

"Must we continue this tiresome bit, or would you prefer to remain in The Kennel for all eternity?"

"If all you're going to do is growl at me, I suppose we'll have to continue, as you say."

"Fine then!" and H.I. began to fade.

All of a sudden, my mind broke free from The Kennel's clutches, and I was thinking clearly again. Weird, huh?

"Wait!" I cried. "You're not by chance referring to the one and only Council Dog Grrrrrr, fifth and eldest of all Alpha Time Dogs, are you? Head of the Howlifreynian Space Yachting League?"

Ms. H.I. reappeared. "Yes. That's the one. I'd use The Kennel to create a biscuit for you, but I hear they're flavorless."

"Tell me something I don't know," I muttered.

H.I., taking this as a question, said, "Council Dog Grrrrrr is missing. And so are a number of other Council Dogs. And the ones that remain are acting suspicious."

I furrowed my brow. "Suspicious? How?"

"Oh, nothing I could pinpoint, but their behavior seemed...off. More reckless than usual, perhaps. I've heard reports of increased toilet drinking and flea infestations."

My forehead wrinkled in worriment. "That's never good."

"You know, I never believed you stole the Frisbee of Forever."

The Frisbee of Forever is the source of Time Dog power. The object harnesses the power of a white hole to allow us to travel through time, space, and other relative dimensions. I was framed for its theft.

"Yes," I said. "I never believed it, either."

"I'm letting you out, so be a good dog," H.I. said.

I smirked. "Relax. I'm TARBONE trained."

She pushed some buttons, and I saw a flash as my consciousness and body was transferred into a darkened pet carrier with a glowing grid of laser beams serving as the door. Unlike the beams in The Kennel, these could actually hurt you if you touched them.

Through the bars, I could see a row of refrigerator sized machines. It took a lot of computing to put a Time Dog's consciousness into The Kennel, even with super, mega and semi-conductors.

I barked and shook the cage until I saw a bearded face leaning over the entrance.

"Really, Mr. Woof. You've been in The Kennel too long."

I whined in frustration.

"Now, Fifi, I'll let you out if you sit nice for me."

I did, and she opened the door.

"Good boy. Too bad I'm out of Time Dog Treats."

I climbed out, and after sniffing butts with my new friend, I stared at the room that held my prison.

In many ways, it resembled a television editing booth. A control board manipulated the energy beams, my position in limbo, chroma key, bass, treble and squelch. A computer nearby did...computery things, and, in addition to several more refrigerator looking things, there was...a refrigerator, one containing something that smelled good. I couldn't look inside because it needed either a CTD or BTD clearance to open, and I was a "bad dog."

Suddenly I noticed a Welsh Corgi watching me, one dressed in the blue robes of a Beta.

"Ah. Fifi Woof. Just the canine I wanted to see."

I sniffed with suspicion.

As I stared at this stranger, I watched with horror as he peeled off his head, revealing the face of a white cat with mismatched pink and purple eyes.

It was The Mauser, my sworn enemy!

"You!" I cried. "What are you doing here!"

He only laughed. "Ah Woof. How strange it is to form that word with my mouth. As for what I'm doing here..."

He pulled out a shiny black retractable leash with a small red collar attached. "We're going for a little walk."

Still under the effects of The Kennel, I jumped up and down with excitement. "A walk! Oh boy oh boy!"

You can take the Time out of a Time Dog, but you can't take out the Dog.

The Mauser laughed evilly as he lowered the collar around my head.

Only then did I realize I was in deep trouble.