Hey hey hey, this is just a really small one that I thought up before I go off on the boat. It's really small but it's just stuff that I thought about when my friend asked me a question. This is more about head-cannons, fluff and stuff. It's a super short thing but I hope you like it all the same.

Edit: I am so so so sorry. It started out as a cute fic I swear but something happened and now it's crack and warning for mentions of gore, alcohol, really bad language. I am so so sorry. WARNING, THIS IS NOW A CRACK FIC.

Is This The Time to Think About Daddy Issues?

"Ty?"

"Oh, you're back from talking to Dage? Did he get the message?" Ty greeted her sister and one of her two best friends.

She had been sitting at the foot of Gravelyn's throne, idling and thinking about happier times to erase the ugly picture that still stained her brain.

"Sort of," Ash smiled sheepishly as he walked over to sit beside Ty with Alison. "He knows that Gravelyn will visit him but…I don't think we should ever see either of them again."

"I support that plan." Ty nodded.

"Awww, I want to see what happens to them at the end." Alison began to mope.

"Eh." Ash shrugged, taking a look around the Evil Empress' throne room. He had been there before on Champion business but he was always too concentrated on getting out alive even when Ty was there to defend him.

"Do you ever get mad about it?" Alison asked, leaning back to glance at the throne where Gravelyn sat and where Sepulcher once sat.

"About what?" Ty tapped her knees, thinking about what to get for dinner and who to avoid when she went grocery shopping.

"About serving Sepulcher's daughter? It irks you sometimes, right?" Ash cringed at Alison's question. No, Alison. They didn't need another air lute solo with casualties!

"Not as much as it did before," Ty shook her head. "Sometimes I get mad but Gravelyn's not all that bad if you talk to her enough. It's not what I expected from someone who was fathered by Sepulcher."

"What do think makes a good father?"

"Uh, why are you asking me? I'm no good at taking care of kids. I can't stand kids most of the time."

"Then what about stuff your dad did when he was taking care of you?" Ash asked, glad that the topic was going somewhere else. Alison's elbow touched his arm but he didn't take any notice.

"Um…" Ty took a moment to think back. A memory came to mind and it made her grin. "A bunch of times when I was really little, my dad would sit me on his lap and make me bounce up and down, saying "bouncy bouncy bouncy!" and laugh with me. It was a small thing but it was really cute. My mom loved it too. If ever I want kids, gods forbid, I'd like the daddy to do something like that."

Ash pictured baby Ty bouncing on her dad's lap pretending she was riding a horse and it made him smile too. He thought about how he would raise a kid. For sure he'd play with them and bouncing them on his lap sounded like no problem. It sounded adorable.

Artix would make a cool dad too. He'd make them little wooden swords and pretend to slay undead with them. That'd be awesome. But Artix would probably be the type who'd play with his kid by throwing him up into the sky, encourage his kid to pretend to fly and then accidentally throw them too high and get them stuck in a tree. Huh.

Warlic would be a great dad. He'd teach his kids magic and amaze them with tricks while they were still in the crib, finding their smiles more amazing then his own magic. He wouldn't be the type to bounce his children on his lap. Ash couldn't really picture that.

Cysero.

"Oh no." Ash gulped.

"What?" his friends asked. "Something wrong?"

"Cysero as a dad."

"I can't…uh," Ty scratches the back of her head. "Eh…the best I could hope for is that he'd dress his children in nothing but left socks and canola oil."

"I think he'd be a fun dad," Alison grins almost evilly. "You could make a sit-com about that."

Galanoth would be a strict dad but he'd be very caring. He'd teach their kids about the danger of dragons, how to kill dragons, the history of killing dragons killing dragons killing dragons killing dragons killing dragons dragons dragons dragons dragons dragons dragonsdragonsdragonsdragonsdragons.

"Kill all the dragons." Ash imagined Galanoth whispering that into the ears of his children as he bathed them in dragon blood and-

"Okay, I think staying in here is making me go crazy-" Ash laughed nervously. "Maybe we should get some air, huh?"

"Sure. Let's take a walk then." Ty sat up and offered a hand to Ash.

As they walk out into the courtyard, Ash began to think about King Alteon and his princesses.

He would be the type to bounce them up and down on his knees to make them laugh as he looked at the watch on his wrist to predict when he was going to have a son-

"Stop!" Ash ruffled his hair to erase that terrible image from his mind. King Alteon would never do that. What was he thinking?

"You okay, Ash?" Ty asked, concerned.

"Uh, you know when you're just walking and a stupid idea comes to mind? Yeah."

"Oh. Yeah, I get stuff like that too." Ty agreed, crossing her arms as they continued to walk.

"What do you want for dinner?" Alison asked her sister but Ash was already thinking about the next would-be-father.

Rolith and Alina would be great parents. Ash imagined them in Alina's home as Rolith watched her dreamily while she worked on her potions and their kid accidentally drinks one and its face melts off and-

"Noooooooooo!" Ash screamed. What's going on?

"Ash? Are you sure you're okay?" Ty and Alison stopped to look at him again.

"Fine. It was just another y'know." Ash shrugged to keep his friends from worrying.

"Ooookay…So I guess I'll go out to Greenguard and grab one of those pigs-" Ty continued while Ash started to imagine another scenario.

Okay, this time Rolith and Alina are out in the woods with their child. They're all holding hands and every now and then, Alina and Rolith would lift their child off the ground and go "weeee!" See, now that's cute.

And then a sneevil runs by, Rolith drops his kid who begins to cry, brandishes his hammer and blood is everywhere oh no. Why? The kid is crying. Blood is everywhere. Why aren't you saving them, Ash? Why aren't you saving them? All the children are crying blood. The sea is turning red. Why?

"What's happening to me?" Ash sobbed quietly into his hands.

Maybe moving on would be a better idea. Um, how about Zhoom? Yeah, Zhoom would turn his kids into heroes and great rangers! He'd-

"Why is daddy never home?" Ash imagined Zhoom's child in his faceless mother's embrace.

"He's chasing another bad guy, dear. He'll come back one day."

"But mooooooooooommmmmmmmmm, iiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttsssss bbbeeeeeeennnnn tweeeeennnnnnttttyyyy yyyyyeeeeaaaaarrrrrrrrrs."

The daydream became a nightmare as the image morphs into a deformed cat fused with Twilly asking for sweet and sour blueberry juice.

Ash didn't say anything that time. He just sat down silently as the others continued without him.

"C'mon. I need to think of something nice. Who's left?" Ash went into fetal position and started to rock back and forth.

Oh drat. There was only one person he could think of left. The one he knew probably would have wanted heirs from Ty. The jerk that ruined everything. Prince Dorky McHomeless himself.

"Ty? Where are you?" Ash imagined the jerk wailing along with the crying baby in his arms. "Why is it crying like its being brutally murdered? I didn't even do anything!" He rocks the baby back and forth in his arms. "Are you hungry? Are you tired? I'm tired. You haven't shut up for four hours! You want to cry? Well I want to cry! Ty, where the fuck are you?" The jerk shouted, making the baby cry louder. "Fuck, I'm sorry."

The jerk sat the crying baby into the crib that Ash imagined appearing beside him.

"What do you want from me?" The jerk demanded, staring through the crib's bars at the wailing baby. "Uh….Uh…I…maybe the baby wants money." Dazed, he begins throwing gold coins into the crib. "Why couldn't we just get a nurse maid? I just want to sleep." He began to cry along with his baby as he kept throwing money into the crib. "Why isn't it working? Why did we name the baby after Ash?"

"Daddy," A small girl walked into the baby room and tugs on her father's clothes. "The Alteon Queen's son broke in again and he's trying to hit it up with big brother again. Daddy, what does 'hit it up mean?' and daddy, the dragon is eating the baby's vomit again. The baby vomited on your shoes. Its eating your shoes."

"Ty, where the…frottage are you?" He wailed again, careful not to swear in front of his daughter but said something even more vulgar by mistake. "I can't do this!"

"You're the one who said you wanted more! Oh and I'm back," Ash imagined Ty running in on the scene with a baby bottle and a bottle of whiskey. To the jerk's horror, she shoved them into the jerk's arms and told him "Three drops into the milk and the babe will be out like a candle light. Poof," Ty smiled down at the baby swimming in the crib filled with gold coins. "Awww, the baby inherited your greed. How cute," She tapped the baby on the head as it screeched like a siren. "Now if you excuse me, I'm going to teach our son how to properly cover up a murder and then we'll have ice cream. See you later, babe." She flashes a peace sign and ran out the door without looking back.

"Ty I-" The jerk frowned, knowing that Ty was already too far away for her to hear him. He looked at the bottle of whiskey longingly before he set it on a nearby table far from his children's reach and tries to offer the baby the bottle of milk.

"Oh dear Lorithia," Ash buried his face into his knees. "He's a better parent than Ty. What in the- Wait, now that I think about it, what would their kids be like?"

Immediately, horrors filled his mind. Fire rained down from the skies, the oceans turned into oil and was lit up by the fire. Parents ate their children after forcing them to go to school and suddenly Ash was married to a rock. The rock wife turns to him and she opens her mouth to scream and scream and scream.

"Hey Ash?"

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOO!" Ash jumped to his feet and ran off into the dark halls of Shadowfall, scaring one of the skeletons as he ran.

"Alison, you assfuck!" Ty cursed at her giggling sister. "Why did you do that to him?"

"Well, I was bored and since I didn't have my notebook with me," She pulled out a bound purple spell book. "I found this book and decided to test one of the ones on mind altering on Ash. The result is wonderful."

"Alison, I don't want to talk to you at least until tomorrow." Ty shook off the urge to throw her sister over the walls and ran off to catch Ash.

"Ash, wait! Come back! Calm down and let's go get some ice cream! Ice cream fixes everything! Even mental scarring!"

The end. I don't have much to say about this besides apologizing profusely. Maybe I'm just tired.

Just a moment, I do have something to say. Uh, Ty wouldn't be a good parent. Not at all. Ash would be a great dad and so would most people mentioned in this fic. It's just that Alison likes to mess with people, that's all.

Now I feel like ice cream.