Hi there ! Today might not be the best day to post this chapter, as it isn't really a cheerful one and while my country is mourning, but I'm still posting it.

As some of you may now, yesterday, on the 7th of January 2015, in France, three men with guns broke into "Charlie Hebdo"'s office and killed 12 people. Those people were working for this newspaper as cartoonists, drawing satirical stuff, caricaturing people, no matter the gender, no matter the origin, no matter the religion. Those were just drawings about what was going on in the world. And those three people just shot them, because they did not agree with that, because they felt insulted. They wanted to "avenge the prophet". No religion I know allows murder because you disagree with an idea. This is a selfish, cold and inhuman act. My country is a country where we are free to express ourselves. Free to draw, to sing, to write whatever we want. We do not fear bullets. We will keep on drawing, singing, writing whatever we want, whenever we want it. Because we are free.

I'm sorry about that long post, but I feel it's important to share that with you guys. Now, you can read that chapter which might not be that happy itself...

December, 3rd

Dear Diary,

Since I collapse, I'm trying to eat more. I wake up early to have a quiet breakfast, and I'm pretending Kamui isn't here when it's dinner time. Sometimes, he just pushes me if I'm on his way, or makes me trip with a grin. I'd like Papy to come back. But I need to be strong.

Lately, some girls at school had trouble with weird guys when coming home. The police is asking us to avoid getting home alone. All my friends are living on the opposite direction, but the Sadist and I are both living on the West ; he suggested to take me home "to make sure I'm not the one molesting those girls". I refused, because that would mean coming home early. I answered quickly, too quickly, and I think he noticed something was weird. I said I had a part-time job. He nodded but I don't think he believes me.

He seems to be elsewhere lately.

December, 5th

I hate winter. It's cold and sickness spreads, worsen. Worsen. Worsen.

China looks plumper (well it still looks like she would break just by touching her) but dark circles are showing under her eyes. And I feel like even if she refuses me to walk her home, it has nothing to do with me really. I'm doing my best to keep my mind busy, so I'm getting interested by her life.I noticed she kept watching at her feet when her brother is nearby. Hunches her shoulders. I'm afraid to understand what is going on. To make the connection with the bruises she gets.

Looks like that's not the best way to keep my mind busy. Now I've got two things to worry about.

December, 14th

Dear Diary,

On the 8th, the Sadist stopped coming to class. Again. The 12th, Hijikata left. Kondo looks terrible. I offered Anego my help for her duty (giving textbooks to the absents), I would give the Sadist his papers. Anego told me with a soft, unusual voice that she understood how much I wanted to know, but that I would probably not be pleased by what I'd discover. I'm not sure to get that. Worse, I'm imagining what it means, and I can feel knots in my stomach just by thinking about all those horrible scenarios that came to my mind. I'm going tomorrow evening, and although I want to know, I'm also a bit scared.

December, 15th

China visited me a bit earlier this day. At first I told her to go to hell and to leave the paper in the mailbox, I told her I was sick and it was contagious. She refused to leave. She said she'd be ready to camp before the door if she had to. It took me 20 minutes to give in: it was freezing cold outside, my sister would have killed me to let her outside. When she saw my pale face, my dark circles, my puffy and swollen red eyes, she stepped back. Then she asked if she could come in with a tiny voice.

I served tea, silent. She didn't talk either, her eyes scanning the room, probably wondering what could make me look so miserable. I ended up telling her the whole story. Her eyes filled with tears, she nodded. She didn't say anything. Just nodded.

We finished our tea in a heavy silence, she put the papers on the table and she left. Just before she put her shoes on, she took my hand for a second or so, looked at me right in the eyes and told me "I've been through that too. If you need something, just call. And if there's any news tell me all right? " and she was gone. I don't know why, but her words made me cry.

December, 17th

Dear Diary,

Why do I have to live this all again? This time I'm not at the centre of the story, more like a witness. But that doesn't make things easier.

At the beginning of the day, Ginpachi-sensei asked us with a soft voice to be quiet. Usually there's no one to listen, but we all felt it was different. He told us what I already knew, that Okita had an older sister, who was very very ill. She had tuberculosis, an illness that affects lungs. When December came, her sickness worsened, and she had to go to the hospital. Then he told us what I didn't knew. Last night, it became worse and worse. Doctors couldn't do anything. She died by the morning.

He asked us to respect a minute of silence. Hijikata, Kondo and I didn't listen. We got up, we left the room. The teacher didn't say a word.

In the hospital, a nurse told us that only family was authorized. Hijikata said they had no family left. So the nurse took us to a room with an empty bed, with the Sadist sitting on a chair, his look blank, a man in white talking to him with a quiet voice.

Hijikata asked the doctor if that was true. When the man said it was, Hijikata fell silent. A tear, then another, then loads of others, rolled down his cheeks. Kondo didn't look fine either, but he pushed me towards the Sadist before putting a comforting hand on Hijikata's shoulder.

I was really young when my mother died, from illness too, but I remember that no word could dull my pain. So I just took a chair, placed it next to the Sadist's, and rested my head on his shoulder, his hand in mine. None of us moved and he fell asleep.

Kondo ended up carrying him home; we followed. I prepared some warm chocolates and snacks, we turned the TV on and Hijikata drowned his mind in it, to stop thinking.

When the Sadist woke up, he asked us to stay for the night. Tomorrow will come all the formalities and he wasn't strong enough to take care of it alone. I suggested to ask Ginpachi-sensei to come over tomorrow, as an adult he might know better how to do things. The idea was accepted.

I got home to take a few things, and to write down everything on this diary. Kamui isn't home yet, so I'm taking my time. I'm going to buy extra food on the way, just to be just Okita doesn't need anything.

I'm not going to let him think he's alone and turn bad like my brother.

Aaand that's it! Review? =D

To end on a merrier note, last week end I did a cosplay photoshoot with a friend, as Movie!Okita and Yoshiwara!Kagura. I'm so excited to see the pictures!