Hey everyone! Thanks for all of the lovely reviews, I really appreciate it! I've been writing a lot lately, so the next update probably won't be too far behind this one. Chapters 5 and 6 kind of just progressed naturally, and i'm kind of on the fence about my pacing of the events in these two chapters, so I'm excited to see what you guys have to say. Okay, i'll shut up now :)
In retrospect, calling Deb a cab and expecting her to go straight home without incident wasn't my best idea, but I had no idea how to deal with…us. I still don't. I once thought of myself as emotionless, but now it's like my feelings are consuming me.
The way I feel about Deb now is something new entirely. I've always believed that if I could have feelings for anyone I'd have them for Deb, but I never expected to develop feelings like this. I'm not even sure when it happened. It just…did. Maybe these feelings have always been there, buried somewhere deep under the surface.
This time last week, I believed that my feelings for Hannah were genuine. I thought that she was the only person who could ever love me. All of me. Going away with Hannah and Harrison seemed like the perfect solution to all of my problems. I'd be able to give Harrison a chance at a good life, one where his father isn't constantly looking over his shoulder; and I could finally stop putting Deb through so much pain. But now, just days later, I realize how stupid I was. A life without Deb could never be my reality. I need her.
What I felt for Hannah was lust and nothing more. She made me feel accepted in ways I never had before, because she didn't shy away from the darkness; she accepted it. Maybe she even encouraged it. But Deb? Deb believes in me, even after my dark passenger was exposed. She sees past the darkness. She even believes there's light.
I love Deb. I genuinely love her. My love for her might actually be the best thing about me. In a way, it proves that I can be good; that maybe I have a chance at slaying the beast. Something about my love for her has changed though, and I'm not so sure that I like change. I thought that distancing myself from Deb would bring a sense of normalcy back to our relationship, but we can never seem to be away from each other for too long. I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing.
I slowly start my car and pull out of the parking lot. I'm a bit hesitant about leaving Harrison at home by himself, but he's fast asleep and the bar is only minutes away. I'll be back long before he wakes up and notices that I'm gone.
When I arrive at the bar, I quickly head inside and scan the room. There's no sign of Deb and I feel my muscles start to clench. Didn't she mention something about a guy? If some jerk decided to take advantage of her…
Just then, I see a man exit the restroom, guiding my clearly drunk sister to the bar.
"Deb!" I call out to her.
She turns to face me when she hears my voice, a grin forming across her lips.
"Dexterrrr!" She screeches, letting go of the man and attempting to walk towards me. Her plan backfires and she trips over a stool, landing face first onto the floor.
I rush to her and bend over to lift her up. I easily carry her in my arms and the man she was with earlier steps closer to me.
"Put her down dude, she's with me." He says.
"Relax Marv, he's cool." Deb replies, wrapping her arms around my neck. "Dex, put me down. I can walk."
I tighten the grip I have on my sister and Marv shoots me a dirty look.
"Well Marv, I'd say it's been a pleasure, but then I'd be lying." I state dryly.
Deb giggles as I carry her to my car and she doesn't stop until we get to my apartment. The walk up the stairs proves to be a very difficult one as my ever so defiant sister insists on walking on her own. She trips a few times, but I'm always there to catch her before she falls. When we finally enter my apartment, Deb dramatically plops down onto the couch and reaches for the remote. She attempts to turn on the TV, then suddenly decides against it and throws the remote onto the floor.
"Not too loud, Harrison's asleep." I warn.
"Come here and lay down with me." Deb coos as she shifts to make room for me to fit beside her.
I ignore her proposition and walk into the kitchen instead. I decide to make coffee, hoping that it'll help Deb sober up. I start the coffee machine and to my surprise, Deb is now a few feet away from me, leaning against the refrigerator. For a heavily intoxicated woman she sure is light on her feet.
"How are you feeling?" I ask. My eyes fall down to her chest. I try not to stare, but she's only wearing a thin white t-shirt and it makes her nipples painfully visible.
She catches on to the fact that I'm staring and moves closer, so that we now stand mere inches apart. She's so close that I could probably close the gap between us and find out if her lips really are as soft as they look.
"Could you just be fuckin' honest with me for once?" Deb blurts out. Her voice is husky and her eyes are full of something that I can't quite decipher. I'm not sure that I like where this is going.
"I've been nothing but honest with you these past few months, Deb. I don't know what else you could possibly want from me."
"Do you love Hannah more than me?" She whispers.
"Deb, why the hell would you even ask me that? She tried to hurt you and I gave her up. I thought that spoke for itself. You know how I feel about you."
"You left me alone in a fucking psych ward. You told me you'd come back, but you didn't. You left me again. Like you…like you always do. You're mad at me." Deb responds, awkwardly running her fingers through her hair.
"Now isn't the time to talk about this Debra, you're drunk."
"So you are mad at me?"
"Oh? How do you figure that?"
"Because, it seems like you only call me Debra when you're mad at me. Well you know what, Dexter? Fuck you."
Deb lurches forward and grabs me by my shirt collar.
"I fucking hate you."
I raise my eyebrow and smile at her mockingly. I know that she doesn't mean it. Deb's nostrils start to flare and the look in her eyes changes. I know that look; she's about to try to one-up me in whatever game it is we're playing. Before I can even register what's happening, Deb crushes her lips to mine.
The feeling of her lips on mine catches me off guard. This can't be what Deb really wants, can it? She's drunk and vulnerable and clearly still upset over what she had to do to LaGuerta. I've never known how to handle emotions, but Deb? Deb is normal. No, she's more than that; she's extraordinary. She feels more than anyone I've ever known. Maybe this is her way of processing her emotions? She'll take out her frustration on me tonight, and by tomorrow morning all will be forgotten. And don't I owe that to her after all of the damage I've done? No. Regardless of if that's true or not, I can't let this happen. Deb and I have gone further than we ever should have.
I gently place my hands on Deb's shoulders and push her away from me. She looks hurt and slowly backs away to lean against the fridge again.
"I thought you loved me?" She asks.
"Of course I do." I whisper, rubbing my thumb against my bottom lip. It tingles as a result of Deb's contact. No matter how hesitant I may be to admit it, the monster in me craves more.
"But you don't want me?" She asks.
My eyes travel back down to her chest. Her nipples are harder now, more visible through the thin material of her t-shirt.
I say nothing in response. Instead, I slowly walk over to her and pin her against the refrigerator. Without thinking, I place my hand on her neck and slowly drag it downwards. My thumb traces her collarbone and she gasps. The surprised look on her face turns into a confident grin as I continue to move my hand even lower until it reaches her breast. I bite my bottom lip as I massage her nipple. She moans and I know that I should stop before this goes too far, but I feel my self control continuing to slip away. The only thought in my mind right now is that she's wearing too many clothes.
"Take off your shirt." I command hoarsely.
Deb obliges and I stand back and take her in. She's even more perfect than I could have imagined…which is exactly why I finally snap out of whatever trance I'm in and stop myself. I can't ruin her again.
"Your turn." Deb beckons me seductively. Clearly she hasn't caught on to the change in my demeanor yet.
"I'm sorry," I say as I walk back over to the coffee machine. "I shouldn't have done that. You should put your shirt back on, Deb."
Deb ignores my suggestion and confidently strides towards me. I wonder if she would be as open if she hadn't been drinking. She reaches down and picks up my idle left hand, then places it on her breast.
"You can't keep doing this, you know," she says in a hushed tone. "You can't just play with me like some fucking doll. You can't keep using me until you get bored, Dexter."
I want to believe that this is just a nonsensical drunken rant, but there is a lot of truth to what she's saying. I'm constantly using her to keep myself afloat. I need her a lot more than I let on.
"You could never bore me, Deb. I need you. I need you more than you'll ever know." I finally answer.
She smiles warmly and I lean in closer. She meets me halfway and our lips connect again. The kiss is soft at first, and then becomes more passionate. I'm not sure who deepened it, and I don't care.
I lead her to my bedroom and gently push her down onto the bed. I hesitate, then lift my shirt over my head and toss it across the room. I crawl on top of her and slowly trail kisses on her lips, across her cheeks, and down her neck.
Deb pulls away from me suddenly, then mumbles "we-we don't have to…do it…if you don't want to. I mean, I don't wanna be a cock tease but…aaah, fuck."
I remain hovered over her, unsure of what to do next. Honestly, I do want to be with her tonight. I'd probably feel nothing but regret in the morning if we went through with this, but right now I'm feeling reckless and all I can think about is satisfying my urges.
I gently lower myself on top of her and kiss her again, slowly and intimately this time, in an attempt to be reassuring. I feel a strange flutter in my chest. Is it those butterflies that everyone keeps talking about?
I part my lips to deepen the kiss and Deb sighs into my mouth.
"What?" I question, looking into her eyes.
"Nothing. It's just…that coffee smells reallyyyy fucking good." She answers groggily.
I chuckle and let myself fall on top of her, then quickly roll over to rest beside her. She lays her palm down on my chest and closes her eyes. The pattern of her breathing matches mine as she drifts off to sleep, and I don't dare move. I wouldn't trade this for anything.