Hey everybody! Sooo, we've actually reached the penultimate update! :O
I'm going to have to apologize again, because I really didn't intend on taking such a long break! I just started a new semester of college, so i've been a bit busy. But I promise that the next (last!) update won't take as long. Also, I'm still getting stuff together for a new fic, but I thought that it would be better to wait until i'm completely finished with this one before posting something new. But there should definitely be more from me soon. The world of fanfiction was very new to me before this little experiment, and i've really appreciated getting to grow through practice and, of course, your feedback.
Anyways, i'll stop rambling now because i'm sure that's what you all want haha. As always, reviews are greatly appreciated!
The buzzing of the printer seems to ricochet throughout the entire room as I fidget in my chair, impatiently waiting for the tickets to fall into my hands. Maura's printer is an ancient piece of machinery, at least ten years old if I were to guess; and though I'm in no particular rush as the flight isn't for another week, I still feel an odd sense of urgency hanging in the air. The first ticket finally finishes printing and when I feel the warm piece of paper in my hands I take the time to study it, to make sure that it's real.
A ticket to Argentina, one-way. My future, perfectly spelled out for me in crisp black ink. What was once an idealistic dream has now become a tangible reality…so why does it still feel just out of reach? As I sit and wait for the next page to print, I try to convince myself that this sense of unease is just because Deb isn't here with me. But she will be soon enough, and I catch myself smiling at the thought. In seven short days, we'll finally be fine.
The second ticket ultimately finds its way out of the printer and I snatch it out so fast that I almost rip the sheet of paper in half. I shut down the computer, making sure to clear the browser history before doing so, and then I head to the door. Before I can turn the knob however, Astor comes barging in.
"Don't say anything" she says, placing a hand on my chest to guide me further backward into the room. "Just listen, Dexter. Please."
"Astor, what's going on?" I ask, shoving the plane tickets into my back pocket to keep them out of her sight.
I consider warning her against barking orders at me, scolding her like a normal father would, but I know that I'm the furthest thing there is from a normal father. I haven't been nearly as involved in her life as I should have been, and I definitely can't start pretending to be the ultimate dad in our last remaining days together. I hate that it's too late.
I take a seat on the sofa by the computer desk and Astor hesitantly sits down beside me. That's when I notice for the first time how bloodshot her eyes are.
"Have you been crying?" I ask her. "Astor, tell me what's wrong."
"I-is it true?" She questions, staring down at her feet to avoid looking me directly in the eye. "No, I don't even know why I'm asking. I don't want to know."
"Astor, you have to let me know what's bothering you." I declare, reaching out to place my palm softly on her cheek in a futile attempt at comforting her.
I don't want to believe it, but deep down I know that the time has come. I'd hoped that my children would never find out the truth about me, but I've learned time and time again that just because you wish for something doesn't make it true. How foolish had I been, believing that I could hide the truth from the people that I care about?
Learning about what I'd kept hidden behind the mask almost destroyed Deb. What will it do to Astor?
"On the news…" Astor begins, maneuvering herself as far away from my touch as possible. "They're saying that you and Aunt Deb have done bad things. They're calling you two murderers…but it isn't true, right? Tell me it isn't true."
"Astor…" I hesitate, unsure of what to say next.
It's one thing for her to finally see me as I really am, but the thought of her viewing Deb as anything less than perfect is absolutely devastating to me. Still, I can't lie to Astor, no matter how much I may want to. No matter how much she may want me to. But as I look into my daughter's eyes, it's clear, she knows. So instead of lying, I choose to say nothing. That may make me a coward, but it also makes me a father, unwilling to ruin my child's life any more than I already have.
I'm no idiot; it's obvious that Astor is going to learn the whole truth about me in due time, but if I can prolong that betrayal, if I can delay that pain…then maybe, just maybe, she'll be better for it.
"It's okay, it's probably better if you don't say anything at all," Astor sniffles. "I always knew there was something, but I ignored it. I guess I just didn't want to lose my dad twice. It's stupid, I know."
"It's not stupid." I say, offering my hand to her once more.
"Please…don't." She says, swatting my hand away. "Cody doesn't know yet, and I don't think Harrison understands what's happened either. But you and Aunt Deb are all over the news, so they're bound to find out soon, and you can't be here when that happens."
"What about Maura and Bill?" I ask.
The worried look in Astor's eyes tells me everything that I need to hear. They know. Everyone knows.
Astor has come to give me a heads up, and I need to take advantage of that. Maura and Bill could be calling the cops as we speak.
I won't let Argentina slip through my fingers. Deb deserves her happy ending, and I'm going to be the one to give it to her. I have to be.
"I don't know, Dexter. They were still in the kitchen when I came upstairs, but there's a radio in there… They definitely could have heard the news report by now." Astor explains. "You have to leave, I don't want a confrontation."
"Believe me, Astor. Neither do I." I sigh. "Let me handle this. Could you just tell Deb to come up here?"
"Well, actually… I kind of told her to leave." Astor confesses, getting up off of the sofa to stand far off in the corner.
"You WHAT!?" I snap, leaping off of the sofa to pace around the room. "Well, where the hell did she go?"
"I- I don't know, Dexter. I'm sorry, but I couldn't risk Aunt Deb getting caught. It was only just in case…I-I told her that you'd be right behind her…" She sobs.
Astor cowers away from me and I instantly regret blowing up at her. I wonder how she sees me now. She probably thinks I'm a bigger piece of shit than Paul ever was. And to be honest, I can't blame her.
"I'm sorry, Astor. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just…I'm just afraid, okay?" I apologize. "Did she happen to tell you where she was going?"
"No, she didn't. Oh God, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I didn't exactly think any of this through." Astor says, wiping the tears from her eyes.
"None of this is your fault, Astor. So please don't start blaming yourself. Not for one second, okay?" I say, inching closer to her. "I know that you don't want to know everything, and I hope that you never have to. But whatever happens, I need you and Cody to know that I've always cared so much about you two, and that will never change."
Astor stares at me wordlessly, and I reach out to hold one of her hands in mine.
"I love you." I say. "I know that I was never the best at showing it, but I love you so much, Astor. I really, really do."
"I love you too, dad." She replies, much to my surprise.
I don't deserve it, but she drops my hand so she can wrap her arms around me, enveloping me in a warm hug.
"Astor, honey! Could you come here, please?" Maura calls from downstairs, royally ruining what may very well be the last time that I get to hold my daughter.
Her voice doesn't sound any less cheerful than usual…maybe she doesn't know? Or maybe this is just a part of an elaborate ruse to lure me downstairs where the cops are anxiously waiting to take me into custody. Maybe Deb is already in the backseat of a police car, her hands bound tightly behind her back with a pair of metal handcuffs.
I picture her telling the cops to fuck off, screaming that she's the lieutenant of fucking homicide in Miami and that they better let her go, or else they'll have hell to pay. I also picture her scared out of her mind, on the verge of tears as she wonders where her big brother is when she really needs him.
That makes me feel like even more of a failure, if that's even humanly possible.
"I'm coming grandma!" Astor shouts.
Just as she's about to leave the room, the door swings open once again. Cody steps inside with a weeping Harrison following closely at his heels.
"Harrison just ran into my room and said that Aunt Deb left him and he was scared that Astor would too. Does anybody want to tell me what's going on?" Cody asks. "Where's Aunt Deb?"
Astor and I stand there in silence, neither one of us quite sure how to tell Cody what just transpired. He's not a little kid anymore, but can he handle this?
All at once my world has come crashing down. I managed to avoid sharing everything with Astor, but that was only because she preferred to remain blissfully ignorant about the real me. Will Cody feel the same, or will he demand the answers that his sister couldn't?
"Hellooo, earth to Dexter," Cody says, waving his hand back and forth in my face. "Are you ignoring me?"
"Aunt Deb told me to be brave," Harrison sniffles. "But I don't think I can anymore. I was wrong."
"I bet you're hungry, Harrison. How about we go downstairs and check on dinner, huh?" Astor smiles, bending over to pick up her brother.
"No!" He yelps, scurrying away from his sister to grab onto my leg as if it were a buoy. "We have to find her, daddy."
He's right, we do have to find her. I have half a mind to scoop my son into my arms and get in my car and just drive, but then I remember the promise that Deb and I made to ourselves. We have to leave Harrison behind, for his own good. It's bad enough that Deb and I are forced to go on the run because of the choices I've made. I won't let my son suffer the same fate.
"She's going to be right back, buddy." I assure him. "In fact, I'm going to go get her now."
"Really?" Harrison asks, eyeing me skeptically.
"Really." I reply. "Why don't you go help your sister set the table? Aunt Deb will be back before you know it."
"Okay," Harrison answers, resigned. "I'll put a plate next to mine. For Aunt Deb."
The hopeful smile on Harrison's face as he grabs on to Astor's hand and follows her out of the room almost breaks me. I catch a hint of doubt still present in his expression as he leaves, and it's clear to me that although he may not understand what's going on, he does know that something has gone terribly awry.
"Goodbye, daddy." He says.
I can't bring myself to say the words back to him. Goodbye, Harrison.
It's too final, too real. I'm not ready to let my son go. I don't think I ever will be.
Cody follows after his siblings, stopping for a moment to give me a puzzled look before shutting the door behind him. After the sound of feet stomping down the stairs fades away, I leave Maura's study and let myself into Cody's room, which is thankfully unlocked. I search the room for a pen and paper, finally finding them tossed haphazardly in Cody's backpack. I sit down on his bed, searching my mind for the proper words to put on the page.
Cody, I start.
There's a lot that you may hear about me soon. I want nothing more than to tell you that none of it is true, that this is all some big misunderstanding, but I don't want to lie anymore. I only wish that you could be young forever, without a care in the world, but I know better than anyone that that isn't reality. Please, don't let what you're about to hear bring you down. You have every right to hate me, but I want you to know that I've always had you in my heart, and I always will. You, Astor, and Harrison are the best parts of me. Keep them safe. Watch over them for me. I love you. I'm sorry. – Dexter.
It's all I can bring myself to say, yet it isn't nearly enough. I think of all that I wish I could say to Harrison, my poor sweet boy, but it's better this way. A letter would only leave the toddler confused, and I trust in the fact that Astor and Cody will pass my sentiments along to their little brother when the time is right. A selfish part of me still insists that this won't be the last time I see my son, but I banish those thoughts soon enough. It's better this way. It's better this way.
Next I head to the guestroom that Deb and I shared, smiling to myself as I recall how we chose to spend our night. The scratches that decorate my chest still tingle as if her hands are still on me, but my heart aches for more than just a ghost of a touch.
I scan the room, making sure that there isn't anything left behind that either of us will be needing. We didn't bring anything overly important inside the house, just a duffle bag containing a couple of items of clothing, so I leave it. The rest of our bags are still in the trunk of my car, and I don't want to draw any attention to myself by lugging a very heavy bag right out the front door. Knowing Deb, she'll probably yell at me for leaving her shit behind, but I don't mind it. In fact, I actually kind of welcome it; but I actually need to find her first.
I tip-toe down the stairs, cringing each time the wood creaks noisily beneath my feet. I reach the bottom of the staircase, half-expecting to be greeted by the barrel of a cop's gun. The coast is clear, however. I hear the sound of the Bennett's sweet laughter echoing from the dining room, and there are no cops in sight as I peak through the blinds to inspect the situation that awaits me out front.
I steal one last glimpse at my beautiful family, thankful that no one seems to realize that I'm even there. They'll all be better off when I'm gone.
I close my fist over the knob and turn, stepping out into the dark of night that I know so well. Once I pull the door gently closed behind me, I break into a sprint down the block until I find my car. I jump inside the vehicle with no time to waste, shoving my hand into my pocket to retrieve the keys.
"You have to hurry, son. You've got to find your sister." An all too familiar voice says as I wrestle with my key ring to find the one that I need.
"I'm going as fast as I fucking can!" I snap, finally arriving at the right key and thrusting it into the ignition.
The motor roars to life and I quickly move the car out of its parking space. Once finally on the road I slam my foot down on the gas, running every stop sign I come across.
"Careful, Dexter, careful. Keep your eyes on the road. It's more important than ever to make sure that you don't lose your cool. Not with everything that's at stake." Harry insists.
"What's important is for me to find Debra!" I growl. "Weren't you the one who just told me that I needed to hurry?"
"Yes, but you can't start making rash decisions now. You're going to get yourself killed if you keep driving this way. And what use will you be to your sister then? She needs you, Dexter." He states. "Don't lose sight of that."
I ease up on the gas and actually come to a full stop at the next stop sign. An SUV decides to thoughtlessly run the stop sign, and I know that we would've undoubtedly collided if I hadn't just gotten myself under control a few seconds earlier.
"Jesus Christ!" I shout, slamming my hand down on the steering wheel. "What a fucking idiot!"
I'm well aware that that reckless driver was me just a few short moments ago, but I don't have time to dwell on the irony of the situation. I force myself to calm down once more as I begin to ease my car carefully down the next street.
"So where exactly are you going, Dexter? Or do you just plan on figuring this out as you go along?" Harry asks.
"Well, seeing as I've never had a GPS embedded in Deb's skull, I don't see what other options I'm left with. A GPS is a good idea for next time, though. I'll keep that in mind." I say, only somewhat sarcastically.
"Think, Dexter. Where are you most likely to find Debra?" Harry presses. "There aren't many places in Orlando that your sister could have gone. I need you to think."
Orlando is a big city, one that is largely unfamiliar to my little sister. The thought of her aimlessly wandering the streets at night, frightened and alone, fills me with dread. She's a cop, she knows how to take care of herself; but she's also unarmed. She doesn't even have a cell phone now, thanks to me.
I know better than anyone what type of monster comes out to play when the sun goes down. I have to find her, before it's too late.
"Maybe she's back at the Bennett's…" I mumble. "I shouldn't have left so quickly. She probably went to hide in the backyard. Or maybe in the basement, even. Why didn't I check?"
I consider making a U-turn and going back in the direction that I came, but something urges me to keep driving. I know Deb better than anyone, maybe even better than she knows herself. I can do this. I can find her.
I scour my brain for something, anything that I could have possibly overlooked. Suddenly, it all becomes clear to me, and I curse myself for not coming to this conclusion earlier. There's obviously only one place that Debra would have gone.
I drive on for what feels like hours, second-guessing myself the entire way. Do I actually remember how to get there?
A few minutes later, I finally reach the street that Maura had parked on earlier today, and my heart sinks in my chest at what I see, or rather, what I don't see. There isn't a light on in sight. The place must be closed for the night.
I decide to park my car anyway, settling on the closest available spot, which is almost a full block away from the arcade. I get out of the car and begin to walk down the sidewalk, making sure to keep a leisurely pace so I can properly take note of my surroundings. The brisk chill in the air is an odd one considering it's only the start of a Florida winter, and I hope that Deb has found somewhere safe and warm to wait for me.
I reach the arcade and just as I'd suspected, it's definitely closed. I start to wander down the rest of the block, refusing to accept that I made the wrong assumption. Deb had to come here. If not here, then where?
I turn around and start to walk the opposite way, slowing down when I notice a lean figure shrouded in darkness sitting on a stoop a few doors down.
"Deb?" I call out, my voice barely above a whisper.
I'm too far away for the person to hear me, so I continue to make my way down the sidewalk. As I get closer, those familiar long legs are unmistakable as they lay stretched out on the concrete, even in the black of night.
Deb sits and stares off into the distance, shakily bringing a cigarette to her lips and taking a long drag. I take off running, closing most of the distance between us in a flash. My heavy footfall must startle her, because Deb drops her cigarette to the ground as she lurches up off of the stoop and prepares to run away.
"Dexter?" She asks, stopping to squint in my direction.
Once Deb is sure it's me, she bolts toward me and I hold my arms out to her. She leaps into my embrace, wrapping her legs staunchly around my waist. I hold on to my sister tightly, prepared to never let her go.
"Well, it's about fucking time." She says, a playful smile spreading across her face.
I smile back at her and then start to trail relieved kisses across her neck, her cheeks, and finally, her lips. She cups my face in her hands as we deepen the kiss and my tongue finds its way inside the warmth of her mouth. She tastes of tobacco, paired with her usual hint of sweetness that I have come to love so much. Deb begins to run her fingers through my hair and I break the kiss before this situation has the chance to escalate any further.
I lower Deb back down on the ground and she wraps me into her arms, resting her head on my shoulder comfortingly.
"I was really worried about you, you know." She whispers in my ear.
All of the previous playfulness is gone from her voice now; replaced with a nervousness that I've rarely if ever heard from her.
"I was really worried about you," I reply, lightly massaging the back of her head. "Debra, you're shivering. Come on, let's get out of here."
I take her hand in mine and lead her to the car. Once she's sitting safely inside, I go to the trunk and dig through one of our bags, pulling out Deb's favorite hoodie.
"Here, put this on." I say, handing her the garment.
I watch her until she zips the hoodie up completely, and then I turn the heater on and pull Deb close to me. Even though her arms are covered now, I still feel the urge to rub them up and down, needing for her to be as comfortable as possible. She sucks her teeth and tries to shrug me off, pretending like she doesn't need my help as always, but I ignore her objections.
"I should turn the heat up some more." I say, briefly stopping my ministrations to reach for the button.
"Jesus, Dex. You're acting like I've got frostbite or something. Relax," Deb laughs. "I think I'll live."
"I just don't want you to get pneumonia, Deb. Excuse me for being concerned about you." I say.
"Hey, I wasn't complaining," She smirks. "I know how much you care about me, Dexter. It's nice."
We sit for a while, neither of us saying a word. We're perfectly content to sit and listen to the sound of the other's breathing, to relish in the other's heartbeat. It's hard to believe that mere minutes ago I was fearing for my sister's life.
She's here now, so beautiful and more importantly, so alive. I don't know what I've ever done to deserve her, but I promise myself that I'm going to keep on doing it. I never want to lose this.
I rest my head on Deb's shoulder and she starts to run her fingers through my hair the way I love so much. Her touch has become such a source of comfort for me. I hope she never lets go.
"You know," she starts, still tousling her fingers through my hair. "I hate to admit it, but I was actually kind of scared that you wouldn't know where to find me. I know I'm giving you a hard time about it now, but I was kind of afraid that I would freeze to death out there or something. That would've been one stupid fuck of an ending, huh?"
"I don't want you talking about endings anymore, Deb." I say. "It's about time we started talking about beginnings."
I lift my head off of Deb's shoulder, already missing the soothing solace I find in her delicate fingertips. I reach into my back pocket, retrieving the set of plane tickets.
"Our flight leaves next week," I announce, holding one of the tickets out to her. "It's departing from Atlanta. I thought it would be less risky for us to get on a plane out of state instead of here in Orlando. And going back to Miami is definitely out of the question. Miami International is huge, but someone is bound to recognize us there."
"I can't believe it's actually happening," Deb says, staring amazedly at the ticket she holds in her hands. "We're actually going to make it, Dexter. After all that we've been through. We're finally on our way."
"We are," I smile, reaching over to squeeze her hand. "I swear to you, Deb. You're going to get your happy ending, and I'm going to give it to you, no matter what happens."
"Well, my happy ending is nonexistent without you, so you should probably stop being so melodramatic, dumbass." Deb says.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I question, confused by her sudden change in attitude.
Deb's vast spectrum of emotions has always been one of the things that I admire about her the most; but sometimes it gets hard for me to keep up with the rapid fluctuations. This is definitely one of those times.
"It means that you better quit acting like you're planning some grand sacrifice in the final hour. I've got three words for you, Dex: Not. Gonna. Happen." She replies.
"I just need you to know that I'd do anything for you," I sigh. "I've let you down too many times, and I can never make any of it up to you, but I'm still going to try regardless. Is that so wrong?"
"No, Dexter. No it isn't," she says, gazing into my eyes and placing her palm flat down on my chest. "But what is wrong is you feeling like you have to become a fucking martyr to somehow set things right. What I did, the choices I made…I have to live with that. Me, not you."
She pauses to blink away a few tears, and then fixes her expressive hazel eyes back on mine.
"Sure, my life probably would have taken a different path if I never found out about all the things that you've done…but standing by you? Refusing to give up on you? That was my choice. And if someone asked me to do it all over again, I'd still choose you. I always will." Deb states. "And if that makes me pathetic, then I'll wear that brand with a fucking smile on my face. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's you and me, Dex. For always."
"Always," I echo, leaning in closer to touch my forehead to hers. "I love you, Deb."
"I love you too," she replies, giving me a quick peck on the lips. "But what the hell are we waiting for? Let's get the fuck out of here."