"Liam?"
Rae couldn't believe his name was coming out of her mouth. She couldn't believe he was standing in front of her with a shit-eating grin all over his stupid face like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was the first time she's seen him in almost a year and she'd always wondered what she'd do if she ever saw him again. Now that the moment was here, she couldn't move.
It's all a dream, Rae. Everything. Finn telling you he loves you. Liam being here. It's not real. Just close your eyes really tight and when you wake up, you'll still be in Finn's bed.
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and when she opened them it wasn't Finn's poster lined walls like she was hoping for but the darkest night she could ever remember. It was as if someone sucked all the happy stars out of the sky that were shining so brightly not even two minutes before when Finn confessed his feelings to Rae.
Oh, right. Someone did and his name is fuckin' Liam.
"What the fuck are you doin' here?" She asked him, a venomous chill in her tone.
Finn was looking between the two of them trying to remember if Rae had ever mentioned a Liam before. He remembers everything she's ever said to him, which is a lot, and he doesn't recall the name Liam being uttered once. Especially not with as much bitterness as she's presently doing. Finn doesn't think he's ever heard this much hatred come out of her. Not even when Chloe was banging on about the Backstreet Boys one night and Rae pretty much declared they were the worst thing that ever happened to music.
"Rae… Who's this?"
"No one." She spat in the direction of Liam. "He's no one, Finn. C'mon. Let's go inside." Rae tried to pull Finn's hand away and lead him inside the building but his feet were cemented to the ground.
"Who is he, Rae? And why'd he bring you flowers?" Finn's voice was drowning in pain as he looked from the flowers in Liam's hands to Rae's sunken face.
This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This cannot be happening. Wake up, Rae! Wake up!
"She's not told you about me, eh? I'm Liam." His thick brogue boomed through the quiet night and Rae's heart crept up her throat, begging to be thrown up. "I'm her ex-boyfriend."
Finn's eyes darted from Liam to Rae. He didn't like how uncomfortable Rae suddenly became around this guy and he surely wasn't about to leave without learning the answer to why her ex-boyfriend brought her flowers. "Why'd you bring her those?" He asked, pointing a shaky hand in the direction of the daisies, which Finn knew were her favorite.
"They're just so friendly, aren't they?" She said once when they were walking around the campus lake. "No one can be sad when they're lookin' at daisies, Finn. It's physically impossible, even for a grump sod like you." She had given him the most beautiful smile and it was then he knew she had his heart. His heart swelled at the memory but was soon brought back to the present where he felt like a deflated balloon left after a children's birthday party. Once so happy and filled with hope for what was to come just to be brought down by a single prick.
"Please, Finn, can we leave it and go inside? Please?" Rae was practically begging Finn to listen to her, her eyes pleading with him to follow her.
"Uh, they're for tomorrow." Liam hesitated before he offered them to Rae.
"I don't want them." Rae warned Liam, looking him square in the eye for the first time since he arrived.
"What's tomorrow?" Finn asked looking between the two of them again, wondering if he's missing something really important in Rae's life.
"Jesus Christ, Rae. Do you not tell your boyfrien' anythin'?" Liam asked exasperated.
"He's not my boyfriend." She answered quietly, crossing her arms over her chest and suddenly becoming extremely interested in the color of her shoes.
Finn's eyes snapped back to Rae as he searched her face, hoping he heard her wrong. When he finally spoke, his voice was so small that it shattered Rae's heart. "Right, no. I guess I'm not."
He took a deep breath, looked between the two of them once more and declared: "You know what. I'm just gunna go. Rae – never mind." And he marched off before Rae realized what was happening.
"Finn, wait! Please don't go!" He kept walking without a second glance back. "Finn!"
The world was spinning around her, like a top that just wouldn't fall over. She felt like she didn't know what was up and what was down. Her breath started to hitch in her throat and then she couldn't catch it at all. She couldn't tell if she wanted to vomit or pass out.
"Count to 10, Rae!" She could hear her friend's voice in her head. "Just count to 10!"
1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10…
Her world was no longer spinning but she was downright frantic by the time she turned back to Liam.
"What do you want from me, Liam?! Why are you here?!" She screamed at him.
"I came about tomorrow." He offered with a shrug, trying to give her the flowers one last time. "I knew it was gunna be hard for you and I wanted ya to know that I – that I was thinkin' about ya."
"No," she said to him, manically shaking her head. "NO! Ya don't have that right, Liam! Not anymore. In fact, ya never did!" She finally took the flowers he'd been trying to offer her for the past 10 minutes and started bashing him over the head with them.
"Ey! What're doin'? Stop!"
"Do you have ANY idea what you just ruined for me?!"
She finally stopped hitting him with the flowers and looked at him through tear packed eyes. He lifted his arms up and looked around as if he was trying to find the answer.
"No, of course you don't," she huffed out to him. "Because all you've ever done is think about yourself. How the fuck did ya find me? There's no way my mum, Karim, or even Kester gave you my address."
"I, uh, I broke into Kester's office." He said with what he hoped was a winning smile. "I just had to see ya, Rae. I wanted to apologize."
"Ha!" A sharp chortle escaped her lips. "Apologize for what, Liam? For cheatin' on me with Amy for all those months? For makin' me feel worthless every single day of our relationship? What you think that showin' up here the night before her anniversary will make me forget you weren't at her funeral? Huh? The day I needed you the most you couldn't be bothered to show up! You think these fuckin' make up for it?" She asked, raising what was left of the flowers. "I needed you!"
"I'm sorry, Rae! Can we just get over it and move on?"
"There will never be a day when we do anything ever again. Do ya hear me? I spent months workin' past the shit you put me through. I spent months hatin' myself, feelin' worthless because of ya. And now the most wonderful man I have ever met just walked away from me because I see ya and all those feelin's come floodin' back and all my attempts at recovery are gone."
"How many times do I have to tell ya, Rae?" A devilish smile danced across Liam's face and his eyes twinkled even with the lack of light. "Recovery doesn't work. We'll always be fuck ups. There's no way that twat could understand ya like I do. I can't believe you even let yourself believe he'd like ya." It was his turn to laugh and it was rotten. It made Rae feel sick.
"How dare you try to speak ill of Finn. He's more of a man than you could ever even wish you could be. He's kind, he's compassionate, he's smart, and he's funny. And if you really must know, he loves me and not in the way that you so claimed to have 'loved' me, Liam. He loves me for all that I am and all that I'm not. And he does understand me, more than you ever could and more than you ever thought you did. You never knew me, Liam. Nor will you ever get the chance to know me again."
"Rae-"
"No! Listen to me you astronomical piece of shit. You will never again have the right to make me feel insignificant. Do ya understand me?" She stopped crying now, unyielding in the face of her greatest adversary. "I refuse to allow you to continue to have this hold over me. I refuse to let your thoughts and your actions plague my day to day life."
She took a giant breath of air and it felt like the freshest air she's ever breathed.
"Are ya finished?" The breezy façade he had up early came crashing down to a vicious aura that circled his head like a swarm of angry bees.
"I am so far past finished with ya, ya complete arsehole. I never want to see you again. I never want to hear from ya again. You are not a good person, Liam. Never have been and you probably never will be. God, I should have listened to Kester in the first place but you fucked with my mind so much, made me feel like I needed ya, like I couldn't make it without ya. Well guess what, douchebag? I'm fuckin' makin' it. In a fucked up way, Liam, I'm actually glad I saw ya tonight because do ya have any clue how long I've waited to say this to ya?"
"Probably about a year I can imagine," he pursed his lips and shook his head.
Is he cryin'?
"Longer. Since that very first time we fucked and you told me not to take my clothes off." Rae cringed as the memory flashed through her mind. "Remember? 'We're not exactly-'"
"Oil paintin's. Yeah, Rae, I remember." He said as he swiped at his eyes.
Oh, fuck. He really is cryin'. Was I too harsh? Maybe I did take it a bit too far but this has been built up for so long it all came spillin' out so fast that I couldn't really stop it.
"I just wanted to come about Tix, Rae." He added, swallowing the lump in his throat. "I didn't really want to come hear about how much I fucked up your life. But now that I did, I'm sorry. I really am. You were always a much better person than me and I'm sorry I made your life so utterly miserable." He caught another tear before it fell down his cheek. "Good luck, Rae. With everythin'." He added with a small nod before he turned back to the car park, leaving Rae's life forever.
I finally told him everything I've been feelin' for years so why do I feel so miserable?
Rae didn't know how long she stood outside after Liam walked away. Her throat was dry and her heart was heavy. She started running her finger tips up and down the scars on her legs, something she hadn't done in months and it made her nauseous. She quickly made her way upstairs to her room. It wasn't until she was greeted by a friendly, "Hiya!" from Chloe that she finally broke down and cried until there were no tears left. She didn't even know the exact reason why she was crying, there were just so many.
I can't believe she's been gone for a whole year. I can't believe Finn said he loves me and I just let him walk away because of Liam. I can't believe I finally told Liam what I felt and I feel terrible because of how much I hurt him, which is total bollocks after all he put me through. I shouldn't feel bad for him, but I do. I've never been that cruel to someone before, I didn't even know I was capable of that.
Rae clung to Chloe's shirt for a good 45 minutes before the contents of her stomach were screaming to be let out. She ran to the toilet and vomited up everything until she was doing nothing but dry-heaving and sobbing some more. Chloe quietly came in and sat on the edge of the tub as Rae flushed the toilet and slumped up against the wall, hugging her knees to her chest and dropping her head down on them.
She could hear Chloe shuffling around her and she could hear the water running from the faucet but it felt like it was all miles and miles away. Soon she felt something ice cold and wet on the back of her neck and she realized that Chloe had gotten her a wet washcloth to cool down.
"You all right, babe?" Chloe asked for the first time since Rae broke down in front of her.
"Yeah, I'll be all right." Rae mumbled into her knees.
"You gunna tell me what happened?" Chloe pressed as she sat in front of Rae, bringing her hands into her own.
Rae looked up to meet Chloe's dazzling brown eyes filled with so much concern and love for her that Rae almost started crying again. "I don't know where to start." She sniffled.
"Well, why don't you start wherever you feel most comfortable startin'?"
Rae took a deep breath trying to steady her voice before she started speaking.
"It's a long story." She started, trying to dissuade Chloe, sure she wouldn't want to hear it.
"I've got all night, babe."
"Right. Well you know how I was in hospital a few years ago?" Chloe nodded her comprehension. "I guess I never told you about the people I met there: Tix and Liam. They were two completely different people who shaped my life in two vastly different ways. Tix was my polar opposite in every way but she was also my best friend from the moment I met her. Where I was brash, she was calm. I'm this big, burly person and she was this tiny, quiet person. I was in hospital for hatin' myself for eatin' too much and she in hospital for hatin' herself by not eatin' enough. Our differences were what brought us together. We both so wanted to be more like the other that we just clicked.
"And then there was Liam. Liam was like me, he looked looked like me, he acted like me. I loved that he didn't care what anyone thought about him. People would try and say shit to him and he'd come back with these amazin' zingers that would make 'em shut up on the spot. It was like a breath of fresh air being around him. I started to think that maybe I could be like that, too. And then we started datin' and it was amazin' for about the first month." Chloe visibly tensed not sure where Rae was going with the rest of the story.
"What happened? He didn't hurt ya, did he?" Chloe asked her voice raised half an octave.
"Physically, never. But there are still some emotional scars left from him that I've been tryin' to erase for months. He thought that because he could say such negative things about himself, that it'd be alright for him to say them about me, ya know 'because we're the same, you and I.'" She mimicked his voice and it made her feel sick again.
"I don't think we ever had sex completely naked because he never wanted me to take my clothes off." Rae felt Chloe's hand grow tight around her own. "And it went on like that for over a year."
"Rae… Why – Why did ya put yourself through that?" Chloe asked her voice hoarse with emotion.
"I felt like it was the only love I deserved, ya know? He would tell me every day how lucky I was to be with him because no one else could ever love me. And I believed him. I knew he'd been cheatin' on me for the majority of our 'relationship,' but I lived with it. I was scared of not bein' with him."
"When did ya finally leave him?"
"Uh, this is where it gets hard…" Rae inhaled harshly and Chloe squeezed her hand tighter. "Tixy, uh – ahem – she, uh, she died a year ago tomorrow." It was Chloe's turn to inhale sharply.
"I am so sorry, Rae." Chloe sympathized as a single tear rolled down her cheek.
"Thanks." Rae gave Chloe a weak smile. "But, uh, Liam didn't come to her funeral. It was the only time in our relationship I ever asked him to do somethin' for me and he couldn't even be bothered to show up. I looked for him the entire time, thinkin' maybe he was just stayin' in the back, but he wasn't there. I went round to his after the funeral to find him stoned out his mind claimin' he forgot the funeral was that day. So I broke up with him, told him I never wanted to see him again."
"Good for you, Rae!" Chloe cheered.
"And I hadn't seen him since… Until tonight."
"Whaaaat?" Chloe's face fell.
"Yep." Rae shook her head still not sure she believes everything that happened herself. "Even brought me flowers for tomorrow."
"What did ya say to him?"
"It honestly could not have been more awkward, Chlo. Finn was there-"
"I was wonderin' why you're wearin' his jacket. Why was Finn there?"
"Uh, well, as it turns out, Finn's in love with me…"
"What?! Oh my god, Rae!" Chloe lunged forward and wrapped Rae in her arms. "I knew it! I knew it! So are you two an item now? How'd he tell you? This is so excitin'!"
"Yeah, well, I don't think he wants anythin' to do with me anymore…"
Chloe stopped doing her happy dance. "What d'ya mean?"
"Well, uh, Liam walked up as Finn was tellin' me how he felt so I never got a chance to tell him how I felt myself. And then he called Finn my boyfriend." To which Chloe squealed. "… And I said he wasn't and then he walked away."
"Rae! Why would you do that? You love Finn! You shoulda told that twat Liam that he was your boyfriend and you shoulda kissed him senseless in front of him."
"I was scared, Chloe! Seein' Liam again brought back every miserable thing I ever thought about myself. I was scared of what he would say to Finn, ya know? I was scared that he'd tell Finn all these terrible things about me that Finn would start seein' them himself and realize that he doesn't actually love me."
"That's ridiculous, Rae."
"I know. I realized that after he walked away and by then it was too late. I was finally able to tell Liam all the things I've felt over the past year, though. And ya know what he did? He fuckin' cried and then I felt miserable. He just always has this way of makin' me feel bad for shit he's done."
"You should feel the opposite of bad, Rae. You needed to get it of your chest and he needed to hear it. He should feel bad and I'm sure he does. That was extremely brave of ya, Rae. I'm so proud of you. And you should be proud of yourself."
"How can I feel proud when I feel like such shit?"
"You feel like shit because you can no longer use Liam as your scapegoat. You can no longer hide behind the way he made you feel. You can't allow his words and his actions to stop you from doin' things and feelin' things and that terrifies you. You're finally a free woman with nothin' holdin' you back."
"But what about Finn? I'm sure he wants nothin' to do with me anymore. He was so hurt."
"You two have a relationship founded on honesty and communication. Tell him everything you just told me and you'll be just fine. Yeah?" She smiled at Rae.
"Yeah." She feebly smiled back.
God, I hope you're right.