One Week Ago
Finn held the door of the little café open for Rae as they stepped out into the tranquil late November night. Not a soul in the world was wandering the calm, tree- lined streets besides the two of them. The sun was slowly descending beyond the trees, leaving the sky a striking blend of purple and orange, casting a glorious light upon them as they walked in comfortable silence. Finn never minded silence. Sometimes moments, such as this, were just too perfect to have the air filled with mindless noise. The silence between them was the most comfortable thing Finn had ever experienced.
He'd only known her four short weeks but that was all he needed. From the second he met her something clicked in his mind and his heart and he felt as if everything in his life led up to that moment. He never believed in the term "soul mates," he wasn't even sure he believed in real, true love. He'd be in love before, or at least what he thought was love, but this was different. Rae was different. His life never really made sense until she waltzed herself into it.
He was in love with her, there was no denying that. He'd been trying to pinpoint the exact moment he realized he was in love with her all day and it all came down to the first time they ate lunch together. He'd seen her from across the union and was captivated by the way she read. Watching her read felt like invading her most vulnerable and private thoughts, but he couldn't allow himself look away. The way her hazel eyes skimmed across the page and her lashes fluttered on her cheeks enthralled him to where he almost couldn't breathe. He never read any of the books she had but when small smiles danced on her lips when she found something funny, or when her eyebrows scrunched in confusion she was exposing the most vulnerable part of her soul to the world and his reached out to meet it.
A soft breeze blew golden leaves off a nearby tree and Finn watched as Rae hugged his leather jacket tighter to her body. He never knew it was possible to be jealous of an inanimate object. He ached to be what kept her warm. His hand was itching to reach out and grab hers and lace their fingers together. She already carried his heart in her hands and he longed to feel her heart beat in his own.
Tonight, Finn. You have to tell her tonight. The longer you wait the more it will eat you alive not to know if she feels the same. Today was perfect. There will never be a more perfect moment.
"I really like this place, ya know?" Finn looked around their small university town with a fond smile.
"Yeah, it's got somethin', doesn't it?" She answered, her eyes sparkling from the glow of the setting sun.
"It's crazy to think how different my life is now because I chose to come here. Like, my life could have gone in a completely different direction had I gone somewhere else, ya know? My friends would be different. Who knows, maybe even my future wife." He turned to her and smiled, hoping she followed where he was trying to lead the conversation.
It's true, though. If I hadn't come here, would I still have met Rae? What if she hadn't come here?
"I know exactly what you mean. I almost didn't come here but then I came for a tour and it just felt right, like I could imagine my life here. Is that weird?"
"Not at all. I know exactly what you mean. Arch and I came for a tour when we were in college and we felt the same way."
That settles it then. We were supposed to come here and meet. It's fate. Oh, god. You're turnin' into Archie, mate.
"Did you two always know you wanted to go to university together?"
"I don't think it was somethin' we ever actively thought about. I just think we knew it would be weird if we weren't constantly around each other. I mean, I've seen him every day of my life since I was 6. I think we'd fall apart without each other, actually." A nostalgic smile spread across his face as he thought about everything he and Archie had been through together. Archie was his rock when his mom left and his dad lost his way. Finn was his protector when he came out and certain people felt it was their job to tell him how disgusting he was. There's nothing one wouldn't do for the other.
"I think it's great that you two have each other like that." It filled his heart to know how much Rae cared for Archie.
"Do you have a friend like that?"
"Nah, not really." He watched as a downhearted expression fell on her face.
Shit, salvage it, Finn. Salvage it!
"Well, you have Chloe and Izzy and they're pretty close, yeah?" He grinned at her, hoping it would bring back the happy Rae from 30 seconds ago.
"Yeah, I guess you're right." She didn't meet his eyes.
Fuck. How did I mess this up already?! Shit, there's her dorm. You have to do it now, Finn. You have to do it now!
"Uh, ahem, Rae. I want to talk to you about last night-" He started to say but Rae cut him off.
"Finn, you don't have to say anything." There was an understanding in her eyes that gave Finn the courage to go on.
"I know I don't have to, but I want to. I know I told you a few weeks ago how pleased I am that I met ya, but I don't think you truly understand what that means to me." He needed to reach out and touch her, any part of her, just to know that she was real. But his nerves had the best of him and his hands were shaking uncontrollably.
Deep breaths.
"The only other person I've ever been able to talk to about my mum, besides Ms. Pam and my dad, is Archie. And he's my best mate and I guess, in a way, you've also become my best mate. And I – I really value our friendship and that I know I can talk to you like that, ya know? I trust you so much, Rae, and trust is a hard thing for me to give. And Jesus, you make me laugh so fuckin' hard. Harder than any person I've ever met. And there's – there's somethin' I've been wantin' to tell ya for a while now and I know if I don't say it now, I feel like I never will."
He looked up to see Rae's eyes were hazy with unshed tears. "What?" She barely whispered.
Finn took a deep breath before he spoke. This next sentence, this monstrous eight word sentence, was about to alter the course of his life forever. Once it was out, there was no going back. And he never wanted anything more.
"Rae, I think I'm in love with you."
A thousand different emotions flashed across her face and Finn couldn't tell which one she was feeling the most.
"Finn, I-" But what she was about to say, Finn would never know.
"Rae?" A figure from the shadows of the parking lot emerged and Finn felt his heart drop to his stomach.
Not fuckin' again! Who is this, twat? Are those… Are those flowers?
"Liam?" Rae was exasperated.
Liam? Who the fuck is Liam?
"What're ya doin' here?" Her face turned sour. There was a fire in her eyes and such malice in her voice that she was almost unrecognizable to Finn.
Finn racked his brain, trying to remember if there was ever mention of a Liam. There wasn't.
"Rae… Who's this?" He asked, terrified to hear the answer.
"No one." She snarled in the direction of Liam. "He's no one, Finn. C'mon. Let's go inside." Her hand was cold as ice as she tried to pull him away but Finn was stubborn. He wanted answers and he wanted them now.
"Who is he, Rae? And why'd he bring you flowers?" Finn's heart was no longer in his stomach. It was now a wretched taste in his mouth as he realized the flowers in Liam's hand were daisies.
They're her favorite.
"She's not told you about me, eh?" Finn realized this was the first time he spoke since his abrupt arrival. "I'm her ex-boyfriend."
Finn's eyes shot to Rae. He's not sure why it bothered him so much. He had exes, plenty of them, but it was the way Rae was reacting to him that made him uneasy.
Is she still in love with him? Is that what she goin' to tell me? Did they ever actually break up? Why does he have flowers?
"Why'd you bring her those?" He pointed a shaking finger to the bouquet in Liam's hand.
Rae was still trying to pull him inside but he was having none of it. Liam was here for some reason and Finn wanted to know what it was.
"They're for tomorrow." Liam lifted the daisies in Rae's direction with a small smile on his face.
What's tomorrow?
"I don't want them."
What the fuck is tomorrow?
"What's tomorrow?" He half yelled, wondering what Rae could have possibly kept from him.
I thought we told each other everythin'?
"Jesus Christ, Rae. Do ya not tell your boyfrien' anythin'?" Liam looked incredulous at Rae.
Finn felt a small bout of pride fill his body at the thought of Liam thinking he was Rae's boyfriend.
Boyfriend. I like the sound of that.
Rae was looking at her shoes when she finally spoke. "He's not my boyfriend."
Finn felt the rush of a thousand heart breaks. He felt empty and numb, like the wind had been knocked out of him and the world fell from beneath his feet.
"Right. No. I guess I'm not." His voice broke on the last word and it took everything in him not let the tears burning his eyes fall. He wouldn't give Liam the pleasure.
"You know what?" He started, looking between the two of them. "I'm just gunna go. Rae-" There were so many things he wanted to say to her but none of them could even begin to lessen the pain he was feeling, so he said nothing. "Never mind." And he turned to the direction of Merle Hill. He knew she was shouting after him to stay but all he could hear was "He's not my boyfriend" repeated over and over at full volume. The pain sat heavy on his chest like a brick and he was too weak to lift it up.
How could I have been so stupid? How did I read it all wrong?
When Finn opened the door to his house, he found three perfectly happy and in love couples sitting on the couch watching a movie. It made him nauseous.
"Hiya, Finn!" Archie beamed at his friend. "Wanna join us?"
But Finn ignored him and bolted up the stairs to his room. When he closed the door he slumped against it and finally let his tears fall. He never let himself cry, not since his mother left, and they felt foreign and hot on his cheeks. He was angry for so many different reasons. He was angry that Liam ruined the perfect evening they were having. He was angry that he was crying. But mostly, he was angry that he let himself believe Rae loved him, too.
If this was 10 years ago, he would have punched a hole straight through the dry wall, probably breaking his hand in the process, but he knew better. He had different ways of coping now. He walked over to his record player and reached for his well-worn "The Queen is Dead" album. Finn put the needle on "I Know It's Over" and fell face forward onto his bed. He took a deep calming breath and breathed in the ever so familiar scent of Rae's shampoo and choked back another sob.
Knock. Knock.
"Go away, Archie. I'm fine." He lifted his head from the pillow and shouted to the closed door.
"When has listenin' to The Smiths ever indicated a Nelson man was fine?" Archie shouted back.
Knowing Archie would come in anyway, he stayed silent. Finn couldn't help but smile at how well his friend knew him when he quietly opened the door and laid next to him on his bed. The two stayed silent, letting Morrissey's whine fill the room.
"It's so easy to laugh. It's so easy to hate. It takes strength to be gentle and kind." Archie softly sang next to him. "Ya know, I always thought the line described you perfectly."
Finn turned from his stomach to his back to talk to Archie. "Why?"
Archie adjusted his glasses on the bridge of nose. "I mean, 'cause he's right. It does take guts and strength to be gentle and kind when you have so much anger. And when we were kids, you were so angry and it was easy for you because you had so much rage and you just needed to let it out. But then, I don't know, once you started seeing Ms. Pam and your dad got better, you were back to being the gentle and kind Finn I always knew you as. And I know you still struggle with it and I just always thought you were so strong to not let it consume you. You're the strongest person I know, Finn."
Finn smiled affectionately at his best friend. "Thanks, Arch."
"Anytime, mate. Now. Are ya gunna tell me what happened or am I just gunna have to listen to The Smiths on blast for a week?"
Finn had never been more grateful for Archie. He always knew just what to say to make him laugh when he needed it.
"Rae happened. " He said meekly.
"Ah, right. Out with it then."
"Well, we had this great day together where we were laughin' and jokin' like we always do and after last night, I don't know, I felt like maybe she felt the same way, too. And so I walked her back to her suite and I, uh, I told her how I feel."
"Atta boy, Finny!"
"And then her ex-boyfriend showed up."
"Oh, fuck."
"Oh, fuck indeed. With flowers for something goin' on tomorrow."
"What's tomorrow?"
"I haven't a clue, mate. She never told me anythin' about it. Did she ever say anythin' to you?"
"No." Archie thought, shaking his head. "I didn't even know she had an ex-boyfriend. I mean, I figured as much with all the times we've played 'Never Have I Ever' but no one she's ever mentioned by name. What was he like?"
Twatish.
"I don't know. Big, Irish, kinda crass. Rae seemed really uncomfortable that he was there and I think she might still be in love with him, which is why she never mentioned him."
"Why do you think she's still in love with him?"
"Cause he called me her boyfriend and she said I wasn't."
"Oooh." Archie sighed. "The Smiths."
"The Smiths." Finn answered dolefully.
The two lay in silence, letting the white noise of the record player wash over them before the next song kicked on.
"So what're ya gunna do?" Archie asked a few minutes later.
"What d'ya mean?"
"Well, are ya gunna just sit back and do nothin' or are ya gunna fight for her?'
"Do I even have that as an option, though?" Finn huffed out.
"Course you do, mate!"
"I don't even know if I want to, ya know?" He confessed. "I don't know if I can be around her. It's out there now, Arch. I can never take it back. And it was so embarassin'. I told her I love her and she just stood there, starin' at her shoes, tellin' some twat I'm not her boyfriend. I mean, I know I'm not but I was really hopin' she would, I don't know, say 'yeah, ya know what? He is my boyfriend.' And I just – I just keep imagin' them laughin' at me after I left." Finn ran his hands through his hair timidly.
"Oh, Finn." Archie sighed sympathetically. "Not only is Rae your best mate, but she's a good person. You know she'd never do anything like that."
"You're right. I know you're right, but I just can't stop myself from thinkin' it, ya know?"
Archie nodded his understanding and remained silent. He knew Finn was done talking about it. At least for now. Once Finn got these thoughts in his head, nothing anyone could say would make him think otherwise. Only he could be the one to talk himself down from it.
Rae probably could, too, but what do you do when the person who you want to help you the most is the one person you can't talk to about it.
A few hours later, well after the music stopped and Finn had fallen into a restless sleep, Archie rolled off his bed and turned the record player off. He stood in the door of his friend's room and wondered how far he was going to let his stubbornness take him this time.
Finn woke with a raging headache equivalent to that of a hangover. He realized it must have been from crying because when he looked at himself in the mirror he noticed how bloodshot and puffy his eyes were. He quickly splashed his face with cold water, hoping that would do that trick. It was one thing for Archie to see him crying, he was his brother after all, but he knew that if Chop or Peter had even caught a whiff of him crying they'd do nothing but take the piss and he was just not in the mood.
Finn dried his face and pensively looked at his reflection. He never thought he was a bad looking guy, adequate at best, but it always confused him when girls would fawn over him as if he were a pop star. For as long as he could remember girls would do anything and everything to get him to notice them and it always made him feel uncomfortable and unworthy. Since his mom left, he almost felt like he didn't deserve to be loved by a woman.
That was until Stacy, of course. Finn's first girlfriend and who he thought (at the time) was the one true love of his life. Stacy was beautiful, everyone thought so. Her eyes could rival the sky on the most beautiful of summer days and the sun was no match for her golden hair. The first time they had sex Finn couldn't imagine anything feeling better. Then they had sex for the second time and he immediately retracted his first sentiment towards it because surely nothing could be better than that.
Stacy taught him many things in their year long relationship but perhaps the most important thing she taught him is what real love is and what they had was not real love. He wasn't even sure he ever really liked her. Sure she was nice enough and she was gorgeous, but they were two completely different people with completely different interests. It seemed they were only together because they felt like they were supposed to be together: the popular girl and the fittest lad. It made sense to everyone but them. Their sex was incredible but it was passionless. They never made love and if Finn was being honest with himself, he'd give up meaningless, mind-blowing sex in a heartbeat to have something that really mattered with someone he was really connected to.
When they finally called it quits, Finn wasn't heartbroken like he'd always imagined he'd be after his first break up. He wasn't even sad. He was more relieved than anything. They didn't love each other and even though they both said it, they knew it wasn't true. It'd been two years but he could still remember what she said as if it were yesterday. "Finn, you deserve someone that's worthy of the love you have to give, because you have the kindest heart of any person I've ever met. You deserve someone who appreciates the gentle and compassionate man that you are. Honestly, you deserve someone who is worlds better than me."
With Stacy, Finn quickly learned how to properly please and appreciate a woman. He fooled around with a few girls after Stacy left but none of them stuck. He wanted to believe her, that he was worthy of the kind of love she thought he could give, but the thought that he'd never be good enough always sat in the back of his mind. That was until Rae, of course.
Archie was right, she's my best mate. Maybe she was just genuinely surprised her ex showed up. I'd probably shit a brick if Stacy just appeared out of nowhere. But, the main difference is that Rae at least knows about Stacy… I've never heard her mention Liam before. Do I honestly have any right to be this upset about it? She'll probably call me today and say it was all a big misunderstandin' and then bang on about somethin' –
"Oi, Finn!" Peter banged on the bathroom door. "What the fuck are ya doin' in there? Please don't tell me you're havin' a wank, mate. You have a bedroom for that, ya know?"
Finn rolled his eyes in jest and opened the bathroom door. "You're ridiculous, ya know that?"
"Course, mate. Imagine how borin' this place would be if I weren't. We'd have to deal with Archie's incessant history ramblings and The Smiths at top volume." Peter winked as Finn slid by him, his sea foam green eyes sparkling in delight. "Y'alright, though? Last time you played The Smiths like that you received a letter from your mum."
Finn felt his heart drop slightly. He didn't realize Peter knew about that.
"Oh, yeah. I'm fine, thanks, mate. Just had a bit of a headache, really." He smiled weakly.
"Alright. Well if you ever need to talk, you know where I live." He pointed to his door and Finn nodded.
Finn first met Peter in their Child Development lecture and when he informed Finn that he was looking for three housemates, Finn elected himself and his two suitemates: Archie and Chop. Peter's father owns the house the boys live in and even though rent is cheap and there are virtually no rules, they still maintained a clean and well put together house. Finn couldn't have asked for better housemates. They trusted each other, they respected each other, and most importantly, they genuinely enjoyed spending time with each other.
Finn made his way downstairs and plopped on the couch in between Archie and Chop, rubbing his temples as he did so. He opened his eyes when he heard Jennifer Aniston's voice coming from the television.
"Oh, why are ya watchin' this shit? It's doin' my head in." Finn groaned.
"Sorry, mate. Izzy put it on before she left and we just haven't changed it yet." Chop apologized but made no movement to change the channel. He secretly loved the show as much as Izzy and Archie.
"Yeah. Besides, it's not shit, Finn." Archie added, rolling his eyes. "It's mint. And this episode is great. It's the one where Ross and Rachel are on a 'break' and he sleeps with the Xerox girl and Rachel finds out and Monica, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler are locked in Monica's room while they have a never-ending row in the living room."
"Right." Finn sighed as he nestled into the couch. It's not that he hated Friends, he actually rather enjoyed the wit and found it incredibly clever, it's just that it reminded him of Rae.
His mind drifted back to just few days earlier when he was hammering on about something that annoyed him and she stopped him mid-sentence to tell him he was "such a Chandler."
"Such a what?" He asked confused.
"Chandler. Ya know, like from Friends?"
"Yeah, no, I got it. But how am I a Chandler?"
"Cause, like, could you be any more cynical? And ya kinda awkward sometimes." She smiled cheekily.
God, I love that smile.
"Oi! Alright. If I'm Chandler, who are you, then?"
Rae mused over her options before she spoke. "I'd like to think I'm the perfect combination of the three of them. I'm hilarious like Phoebe, I'm a bit neurotic like Monica, and like Rachel…"
Beautiful. You're beautiful like Rachel.
"Besides the name, obviously," she laughed. "I would say I'm strong-willed like Rachel."
Finn couldn't help but smile at her. "Fair enough. I still don't see how I'm like Chandler, though."
"'Ey, at least you're not a Ross like Archie is."
Finn loved when Rae made him full-body laugh. "He really is a Ross, isn't he?"
Finn tried hard to suppress a giggle as he sat next to Archie now. "See!" Archie exclaimed when he caught Finn's laugh. "Told you it was funny."
"You're right, mate. Sorry I ever doubted you." He smiled.
The boys sat in content silence as they finished the episode. Every few minutes, Finn's eyes would flash to the telephone hanging on the kitchen wall, willing it to ring and begging for it to be Rae on the other side. He knew he could call her, too, but he felt like the ball was in her court in a way.
I made the move already. It's her turn now.
On one of Finn's many telekinetic attempts to make the phone ring, Archie's eyes followed Finn's and gave him a small smile. Finn gave him a weak one back and averted his eyes to the tv. With every passing minute that the phone didn't ring, the more anxious Finn became. He didn't even care who was on the other end anymore, he just desperately needed it to ring. Two episodes of Friends came and went as Finn was about to throw in the towel and go for a run when the phone finally started ringing.
"I got it!" He shouted and he darted for the phone. "Hello?" He asked breathlessly.
"Well hello there, Finn." Peter's mother's delicate voice laced through the receiver. "How are you, my dear?"
"I'm fine, Mrs. Summerfield, thanks. How're you?"
"I'm just wonderful, darling. Thank you for asking. Is my son available for a quick chat?"
"He's upstairs. Lemme get him."
"Thank you, dear."
Finn placed his hand over the mouth of the phone and hollered upstairs for Peter. "Be right there!" Peter shouted back.
"He'll be right down, Mrs. Summerfield."
"Well thank you, Finn. Have a wonderful day, love."
"Thanks. You, too."
Finn placed the phone on the counter and went upstairs to change into gym shorts and trainers. Being trapped inside with his thoughts was slowly starting to eat him alive and he needed fresh air. He stopped halfway up the stairs to ask Archie if he wanted to go for a run with him but he had plans to meet Barney for lunch.
Finn stepped onto their front stoop and inhaled deeply. It was the perfect temperature to run for miles and not sweat to death, but there was a biting chill to the air and he knew his lungs were going to ache for a bit later. He bent at the waist and touched his fingers to his toes, feeling a tight pull at his hamstrings. He breathed deeper and stretched farther, trying to get as much oxygen into his bloodstream as he could. He stood up and pulled each arm across his chest, jumping as he did so to get his heart beating. When he felt supple enough, he set off, letting his feet guide his way.
He always loved the freedom of running. He could go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted and at his own speed. He never had an end in mind, he always let his feet dictate his path and his body would tell him when he was done. When he was young and angry, Ms. Pam suggested outlets to control his aggression. He loved football, but it never helped relieve his aggression because he didn't get to hit anything. He boxed for a bit when he hit puberty but when he was 14 he almost lost an eye in a fight and his father begged him not to do it anymore. Though it wasn't the same as using his fists, running quickly became the greatest high he'd ever experience. He could have a thousand and one different things on his mind, but when he ran his mind was a completely blank canvas. He could only concentrate on the rhythm of his breathing and the sound of his feet hitting the pavement.
He was just rounding the corner off Beverly Road on to Main Street when he saw them. It was only their backs but he could recognize that flow of raven hair anywhere. It was what his dreams were consumed of.
Rae.
He quickened his pace to catch up to their retreating figures, hoping for a chance to speak to her about the night before. When he finally got close enough to make his presence known, he felt his heart stop.
"But you do like him, right?" Izzy eagerly asked.
"Are you mad? No!" Rae laughed. "Ew. No. I could never even think of that. He's so not fit, Iz. I don't understand why everyone thinks so."
Finn inhaled sharply. It felt like someone much bigger than he punched him in the gut and took a baseball bat to his knees at the same time.
No. No. No. She's laughin'… She's actually laughin' about me.
Finn couldn't stomach what the rest of their conversation was going to consist of his. He quickly withdrew to The Chippy and emptied the contents of his belly in the men's toilets. He ran the cold water and stuck his head under the faucet, letting it flow across his neck. Finn wanted to punch a hole into every piece of the tiled bathroom he could but he was also not looking for a trip to the hospital or the police station tonight. His breath was coming out ragged and painful. The world started spinning around him as he gripped the base of the sink tightly.
Deep breaths, Finn. Deep breaths. Calm down.
Knock. Knock.
"Just a minute." Finn answered breathlessly.
You can do this, Finn. You can calm down. You have got to calm down.
He took one final calming breath and looked at himself in the mirror. "You can do this." He said in affirmation. He opened the door to a young, shaggy headed boy with crystal blue eyes and a mess of freckles littering his face.
"Y'alright, man?" The boy asked, taking in Finn's disheveled appearance.
"Just needed to cool down. Got a bit overheated on my run." He forced a laugh.
"It's 10 degrees outside?"
"Right." Finn gave a small nod and moved past the boy.
When he got outside The Chippy he took another deep breath and could already feel a pain in his esophagus and he wasn't entirely sure if it was from his run, his vomit, or his heartbreak. He tried to run again but his legs betrayed him. Not ready to go home, he dug in the pocket of his gym shorts and found a 10 pound note. He thought about going to see a movie but he decided the best place to spend that money was Lynch's.
Finn placed himself at the bar and asked the man behind it for a whiskey neat. He didn't want to sit and nurse a beer and make small talk with the other patrons, he wanted to feel numb. When the bartender came back with his drink, he downed it in one gulp and asked for another.
"Rough day, kid?" The bartender asked, a husky Scottish accent ringing through the pub.
"You have no idea." He answered as he let the sweet auburn liquor burn his already aching throat. "What's this, mate?" He asked lifting the empty glass. "Don't think I've had it before."
"Ah, it's called Maker's Mark." He responded, lifting the bottle off the back shelf to show it to Finn. "It's an American whisky, just became available here in the past few years. Smooth, innit?"
"Yeah. Can I have another so I can actually enjoy it? I'm Finn by the way."
"Bill." He smiled, pouring Finn another drink. "This one's on me, Finn."
"Oh, you don't have to do that, mate. I have the money."
"I know ya do, but I wouldn't be a good barkeep if I didn't buy a poor brokenhearted lad a drink, eh."
"That obvious, huh?" Finn sighed.
"As a bartender it's me job to notice these things. That and to pour drinks." He added as he poured another pint for the old man swaying on his stool at the far end of the bar. "So what'd she do? Sleep with your best mate?"
"My best mate is gay. It'd be weird all around if she did that. Nah, she just didn't love me like I loved her."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Finn."
"Eh, it happens." Finn answered as he felt the whiskey warm his body.
Bill was about to ask another question when a girl Finn recognized from university made her way over to him. She was pretty in the predictable way: blonde hair over blue eyes. A small waist with nothing to hold onto and a sour looking smile that was so forced Finn almost choked on his drink trying not to laugh.
"You're Finn Nelson, right?" A syrupy sweet voice weaved its way into Finn's ear.
"That's me." Finn answered, not taking his eyes off the glass in front of him. He'd never been one to enjoy small talk. Especially not when it was blatantly obvious this girl wanted more from him than to know his name.
He could feel her shuffle impatiently next to him. "So, I was just wonderin', I've seen you eat lunch with that girl in the union –" Finn looked up from his glass and turned his body towards her so swiftly she had to take a step back.
No. We are not havin' this conversation.
"Ya know," she continued brazenly. "The big one." She whispered and made a motion to display Rae's size.
She has a name, ya know?
"Rae. Her name is Rae." Finn answered through gritted teeth.
"Right, Rae. Well, I was wonderin', she's not your girlfriend, right?" She laughed as if it preposterous she even had to ask.
"No, she made it very clear that she is not my girlfriend."
"Well, her loss and my gain then." She sneered, running her hand up his back.
You have got to be fuckin' kiddin' me?
Finn stood from his stool and threw his note on the bar. "Thanks, Bill." Finn nodded as he downed his drink in one gulp and left without another glance back. He could hear Bill chuckling behind him and could only imagine the look on the girl's face.
Finn felt a bit dizzy as he walked home. He knew he shouldn't have stood from the chair as quickly as he did and he also knew he shouldn't have downed three whiskey neat's with nothing in his stomach, but desperate times and all that. The house was dark when he walked in and he was grateful for it because he didn't really feel like talking to anyone. He showered as quickly as he could in case someone came home and ruined his solitude. He put his favorite mix tape in his WalkMan and curled into the pillow that still smelled like Rae.
He didn't fall asleep. In fact, he's sure he didn't sleep more than thirty minutes all night. He faked slumber around 10 o'clock when he saw the light from the hall ooze into his room as someone, presumably Archie, peeked their head in to see if he was there. When the door closed, he rolled over onto his back and stared at his ceiling for the next two hours.
I thought love was supposed to be easy. Everyone always says it's worth the fight, but what if you're in the fight alone? No one tells you what to do then. "Be honest," they say. Yeah, well look where the fuck my honesty got me. How am I goin' to face her tomorrow at lunch, knowin' she doesn't feel the same? Knowin' she laughed at me? She was bound to tell Chloe and Izzy about what happened, that must've been why Izzy was askin' if she liked me. And she just laughed. Nope, that's it. I can't see her tomorrow. The embarrassment will be too much. I'll see if Peter wants to study for our test that I'm inevitably goin' to fail.
The next morning Finn knocked on Peter's door and asked if he wanted to study together over their lunch break.
"Oh, yeah, mate. I'm so not ready for this exam. Will Rae be terribly upset?"
She probably won't even notice.
"Nah, mate. She'll be grand." He swallowed the rising lump in his throat.
"Library at noon, then?" Peter asked as he threw his bag over his shoulder.
"Noon." Finn agreed.
His Adolescent Development lecture was one of his favorites but today he couldn't focus on anything. Nothing was making sense, he stifled countless yawns and the second hand of the clock was deafening. When it was finally time to leave, he threw on his red flannel jacket and made his way towards the library.
I really miss my leather jacket. I wonder how I'll get it back from her. Probably in pieces.
Finn wasn't paying attention to where he was going and found his feet were leading him to the union.
Nope. Not goin' there
He quickly redirected his route to the library and found Peter in one of the study rooms on the second floor. Studying with Peter was the perfect distraction he needed. For as much of a jokester as he was, he was actually quite studious. His father was a big time investment banker in London and his mother was a well-respected attorney, so having a solid education was a necessity in the Summerfield house.
Knowing it would only take about five minutes to walk to class Finn hung out in the library until 1:25 for fear of running into Rae outside their classes and being further humiliated. When he turned the corner around building 10, his heart fell into his stomach when he saw a tall figure with raven hair standing outside the building, craning her neck looking for him.
Shit.
"Oh, hey, Rae." He could feel her eyes boring into his soul but it was too much for him to meet them. If he even dared to meet her eyes, he would have been torn apart at the seams.
"Hey!" She exclaimed, a bit too eager. "I was worried about you. Why weren't you at lunch?"
"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I forgot I had plans to meet Peter for lunch to study." He lied.
"Oh, okay. Thought maybe something had happened to you." She laughed. It wasn't the same laugh that Finn had fallen in love with. It was the same laugh he heard yesterday and it made his teeth ache.
"Nope. Just lunch with Peter."
"Look, Finn-" He noticed her hands were shaking but he wasn't ready to hear what she had to say.
Not before a test. I'm already at a breakin' point, I don't need to hear that she doesn't want to be friends anymore. I just need to get away.
"I gotta get to my test. I'll see ya laters." He finally looked at her face and saw that it was a bit puffy, almost like she'd been crying herself.
Finn's exam went exactly how he expected it would: horribly.
10) Which of these examples could best be described as cognitive dissonance?
A) Rae laughing at how unfit and annoying Finn is.
B) Rae and her twat of an ex-boyfriend laughing at Finn's confession of love.
C) Rae telling Finn she doesn't think they should be friends anymore.
D) All the above.
D. Definitely D.
The rest of the day carried on in much of the same manner. He knew it would be hard to see her but he didn't really think about what it actually meant. He used to spend his days obsessing over the way she'd tuck her hair behind her ear when it fell in her face or the way her nose scrunched into a laugh. He used to revel at the fact that he could make her laugh like that. But now all he could think about was her laughing at him and it made him queasy.
Monday night typically meant football club for the boys in the house on Merle Hill, but tonight Finn wanted to do anything but. He felt weak and exhausted. Climbing up the stairs to his bedroom was a chore and when he made it to the top, glistening with sweat, Chop was concerned.
"Y'alright, Finn? You look… Pale."
"Yeah, mate. I think I'm coming down with somethin'." He lied. He wasn't becoming ill, he was heartsick. As much as he respected Chop and valued his friendship, he wasn't willing to share this with him. "I didn't sleep a lick last night, so I should probably stay home."
Nicely done, Finn.
Chop started inching away from Finn, hoping to not catch whatever it was he had. "Alright, mate. Well, get some rest. Gotta be ready for Saturday, we need you."
"Right. I just need to sleep." Chop nodded as he slowly backed into his room, closing the door abruptly, causing Finn to chuckle as he made his way into his own.
Finn knew all he needed to do was sleep. Since Saturday he'd only managed about five hours cumulatively. It wasn't just that his mind was poisoned with thoughts of Rae, every aspect of his life was, too. Music was no longer an escape because it would remind him of a conversation they had. His body was too run down and exhausted to play football or go for a run. Not to mention, his bed, his sanctuary, was filled with the scent of her shampoo and every time he breathed in, he breathed her in. He knew he should wash it, so he could at least try to sleep, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. As much as he hated having every part of his life consumed with her, he wasn't ready to let it go. If he did, then it would truly mean she wasn't his.
It took Finn a while to fall to sleep, but when he did, he got a glorious five hours of uninterrupted slumber. Come Tuesday morning, he felt a thousand times better than he had the previous two days. But still not well enough to face Rae, meaning he spent their usual lunch date hidden away in the library listening to The Smiths on his DiscMan. He went to class early and stayed late to avoid running into her outside the building. When he came home from class he'd run up to his room and pretend to sleep, letting everyone believe he was still recovering from being sick.
The only one who really knew what was going on with Finn was Archie and he was getting tired of his friend's moody behavior and, above all, his lying. The two were driving to football practice on Wednesday when the silence was becoming too much for Archie to handle.
"What the fuck is goin' on, Finn?" He asked not taking his eyes off the road.
"What're ya talkin' about, Arch?" He sighed resignedly knowing exactly what Archie meant.
"Why're still actin' like someone kicked your puppy? Haven't you talked to Rae?"
"Uh." Finn shifted awkwardly in his seat.
"What?" Archie's crystal eyes were set ablaze when they flashed towards Finn. The last time Finn saw this fire in his best mate's eyes was when Simmy, the college bully, crossed one too many lines and Archie beat the ever loving shit out of him. Finn had never been more proud of Archie in that moment but the fact that the same fire was now directed towards him made him uneasy.
"I, uh, I haven't talked to her yet." He shrugged.
"Why the fuck not? Have you just been starin' at each other durin' lunch, then?"
"I haven't been eatin' lunch with her."
"Why?"
"It's too embarrassin', Arch. I know she wants nothin' to do with me and I just don't want it to be confirmed."
"So you think avoidin' her is the best option? You don't think this is hard for her, too? How do you know she's not feelin' the exact same way as you, Finn? How do you know she's not takin' you avoidin' her as means to say you're the one who doesn't want to be friends? You do realize you're actin' like a total prat, right?"
"Oh, get off your high horse, Arch. She hasn't tried to talk to me either." Finn was growing defensive and taking it out on Archie, who didn't deserve it in the least. "And for the record, I went to the union today to see if she was there and she wasn't. So you have no idea what you're fuckin' talkin' about."
"Right, well, at least I'm not the one who's about to throw a truly wonderful and rare friendship over a bit of miscommunication." Archie huffed out in anger. The two rode the rest of the way in an uncomfortable silence, both too stubborn to speak first. Finn felt instantly guilty for the way he spoke to Archie. He knew Archie was trying to help but once Finn set his mind on something, nothing anyone could say would change it. They arrived to the pitch and Finn couldn't keep it in any longer. He finally let out his biggest fear to his best mate.
"Where did I go wrong? What did I do? What is so wholly unlovable about me?" Finn caught a tear before Archie could see. "Why does no one love me?"
Archie put the car in park and turned to his best friend. "Finn. You know that's not true. Everyone loves you. You're brilliant, you're funny, you're charmin'. You're a great friend, even when you're bein' a stubborn knobhead." He beamed at his friend. "I don't know what's goin' on with Rae, but the only way you can know for sure is to talk to her. You can't avoid her forever, Finn."
Finn caught another tear before it fell. "I just never expected it to be this hard. I actually don't think I ever thought about what not havin' her in my life meant."
"No one does, but the hard is what makes it great. And you still have her, Finn. You're just lost and you need to find your way back to her. Yeah?"
"Yeah." Finn agreed weakly.
But how?
Finn never really thought it was over. He and Rae had a connection, real and deep at that. Archie was right. They were just lost from each other at the moment. They'd find their way back soon enough. So when Rae wasn't in the union on Wednesday, he thought maybe he had just missed her. But when she wasn't there at their usual time on Thursday or Friday, it was the first time he truly thought it was over.
The boys were getting ready to meet the rest of their football team for a drink at Lynch's when Finn opted out. "You know, I'm still not feelin' 100 percent, so I think I'll just stay home and get some rest. Need to be ready for tomorrow." He smiled to them.
"That you do, Finny boy!" Chop said clamping his hand hard on Finn's shoulder.
Peter and Chop made their way down stairs while Archie stayed back to talk to Finn. "You sure you don't wanna come, mate? Maybe a night out will do you some good. I feel like you've been cooped up in here for days."
"I'm fine. Really, Arch. I am. I just want to relax tonight, honestly."
"Alright. Well, if you change your mind you know where we'll be." Archie gave his friend a confident smile before he followed Chop and Peter down stairs.
He heard the front door close and decided the one person who could always make him feel better was just a phone call away.
"'Ello?" His father's cheery voice rang through the hand held.
"Hiya, pop." Finn sighed into the receiver.
"Oh my boy!" He could just imagine his father in their small kitchen, leaning against the counter with a giant smile spread across his face. It made his heart ache to imagine him all alone in their silent house. He was sure music filled it, much like it did when he was growing up, but without Finn there, his father didn't really have anyone to talk to in the morning or over supper. His father, much like Finn, was a handsome man. He had emerald green eyes that would put an actual emerald to shame, a flawless, bronzed complexion, and always perfectly tousled jet black hair. He dated sporadically over the course of Finn's life, but no one ever stayed long enough to make an impact. He knew that his father was silently praying for the day his mother would return and admit she made a terrible mistake.
"How are ya?" Finn asked his dad.
"I'm just fine, Finn. Just fine. How're ya doin'? How was that party you and the boys were throwin' for your friend?"
"It was fun, I think she was surprised but one can never be too sure with Chloe."
His father laughed. "Ah, right. And how's the girl? Did ya tell her how ya feel yet?" He told his father last week that he was hoping to tell Rae how he felt soon.
"That's actually why I was callin'. Uh, pop, how do you get over someone?" He swallowed down the lump in his throat.
"Oh, Finn. What happened?" His father's voice grew soft.
"I, uh, I told her how I felt last Saturday and she, uh, she doesn't feel the same."
"Oh, Finn. I am so sorry, love." Even as a grown adult male, he still liked the fact that his father called him "love" as a way to soothe his wounds. "What did she say, then?"
"Well, that's the thing. She didn't really say anything. Her ex-boyfriend showed up just as I was tellin' her and she said I wasn't her boyfriend."
"So she didn't actually say that she didn't care about you?"
"No. But it was the lack of sayin' anythin' that proved she doesn't." His father was silent on the other end. "Dad? Ya still there?"
"I'm still here. I'm just listenin'. Have you tried to talk to her since?"
"No. I, uh, I was kinda avoidin' her for a while because it hurt too much and now I think I've ruined it forever. What if –"
"Nothin' is every ruined forever, Finn. Take it from me. Don't spend your life thinkin' 'what if.' 'If I had done this.' 'If I had said that.' It will eat you alive for years and years. 'If' is the shortest word with the longest meaning. It may hurt to know the truth, but at least you'll know and you won't have to spend the rest of your life thinking, 'what if.'"
"Is that what you're doin' with mum?" He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He made a mental promise to himself that he would never bring up his mother to his father.
"Not any more. I had my closure with your mother a long time ago, Finn."
"What? When?" Finn felt his mouth drop open. He had no idea his father ever confronted his mother about her leaving.
"Do you remember, I think you must've been about 8, when you went to spend the week with nan?"
"Yeah?"
"Well I went to America to talk to your mother."
"You what?! How are you just now tellin' me this, pop?" Finn was both proud and angry with his father. He was proud of him for standing up for himself and angry for keeping it from him for so long.
"You were so angry with her, Finn. If I had told you at any other time, you would have just brushed it off without hearin' me out. And I don't blame you, son. You have every right to be angry with your mother, but you shouldn't be. Anger is a heavy burden to bear."
"So why are you tellin' me now?"
"You're a man now, Finn. You understand the ups and downs of love, the give and the take. That it can be the most exhilaratin' ride of your life, with the most dangerous consequences. But you know, no matter the obstacles, no matter the pain, the good far outweighs the bad. You wanna know how you get over someone, Finn? You talk to them, you be brave. You don't hide behind a bunch of 'what ifs.'"
How is that Archie has basically been tellin' me this exact same thing for a week but I'm just now listenin' to it. You can't hide anymore, Finn. Life is hard, it will always be hard. It's what you do when the goin' gets tough that shows the kind of man you are.
"You're right, pop. I've been too scared to talk to her because of my embarrassment. That's not what a man does. That's what a prat does."
"You're a good person, Finn. And anyone who is lucky enough to know you, is lucky enough."
"Thanks, dad. I love ya."
"I love you, too, son."
When they hung up, Finn fell onto his bed and had the best night's sleep he had all week. He was finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Finn and Archie were passing the football back on forth on Saturday morning when Chloe's car pulled up.
All right, Finny boy. This is your chance to lay everything on the line and know once and for all where you stand. Wait… Where's Rae?
Finn jogged over to where the girls were standing with Chop and Peter when he caught wind of what Chloe was saying. "Yeah, I dropped her at the train this mornin'. She'll be back tomorrow night."
"Hiya. Uh, where's Rae?" Finn's voice came out an octave higher than usual.
"Like you fuckin' care, ya prick." Chloe spat as Izzy's face turned the color of her hair.
"Oi! That was uncalled for, Chlo. What's goin' on?" Chop asked looking between the three of them.
"Ask him." Chloe snarled in the direction of Finn. "He's only bloody ignored Rae all week and here he comes actin' like nothin' happened."
"Why were ya ignorin' Rae, mate?" Peter questioned. "I thought you two were best mates."
"I–" Finn tried to say but Chloe but in.
"'Were' bein' the operative word. Her complete wanker of an ex-boyfriend, who made her life miserable by the way, showed up last week on the anniversary of best friend's death and Finn thought it would be the best time to completely forget all about her. Didn't ya, Finn?"
"What? That's a low blow, Finn. Why'd ya do that?" Chop asked growing a bit protective of Rae.
"Her best friend died?" Finn felt sick to his stomach.
How come she never told me?
"Oh, like you didn't know." Chloe shot back.
"Chloe, I swear. I had no idea. She never told me…" Finn trailed off, feeling his heart break at the thought that Rae didn't trust him enough to know this information.
"Right. So she never told you about Tixy or Liam?" Chloe asked, disbelief written all over her face. "She tells you everythin'."
"I promise you, the first time I ever heard her utter the name Liam was last week when the twat showed up. And the first I've ever heard about a Tixy was about 15 seconds ago." Finn's mocha eyes were pleading with Chloe's sea form green to believe him.
"You really didn't know?"
"I really didn't know." Finn responded, raising his hands as if to prove he wasn't hiding anything.
"So then you really didn't know she's hopelessly in love with you." Izzy squeaked.
"She… She what?" Finn felt his heart swell to burst.
She loves me. She actually loves me!
"Oi! She's in love with ya, ya half-wit. I swear you can be so daft sometimes." Chloe smiled at him for the first time since they arrived. "Now, you go to bloody Stamford right this second or I swear, Finn Nelson, I will kick you so hard in the testicles that you'll wish you were dead." Chop and Peter instinctively covered their own junk and grimaced at the mere thought of something like that happening.
"Right!" Finn clapped his hands in merriment. "Oi! Archer!"
"Yeah?" Archie hollered as he came running over.
"I need to borrow your car, mate."
"What for? Where's Rae?" Archie asked, realizing she wasn't there.
"Exactly. I'm goin' to get my girl, mate." He beamed at his friend.
"It's about bloody time!" Archie exclaimed as he rifled through his bag for his keys.
"Thanks, mate! How much time do I got, Chlo?" He asked turning back to Chloe.
"Her train arrives in Peterborough at 1:30 and then it's about another 30 minutes to get to Stamford. So if you leave now, you should make it about when she does. And, lucky for you, I have directions in case she wanted me to drive her." Chloe turned back to her car to get the directions.
"Is this why you've been actin' funny all week, mate?" Chop asked Finn. "Cause of Rae?"
"Uh, ahem, yeah. Sorry I lied to you, guys. I just, uh, I didn't really want to talk about it." Finn offered feebly.
"That's fine." Peter interjected. "We understand. Just, uh, know that you can talk to us about this kind of thing, mate."
"Thanks." Finn smiled at his friends as Chloe came back with the directions.
"So, these are directions to her house." She handed him a piece of paper, pointing to the top list of instructions. "And these are directions to the cemetery. My best guess would be to try there first, honestly."
"Thanks, Chlo. For everythin'." Finn grinned down to her.
"Hey, I love her and she loves you." She smiled back to him.
"Right, well, here goes nothin'!" He cried as he jogged to Archie's car, an array of "good lucks" shouted at his back.
She loves me. I love her. We love each other. We're goin' to make this work. For once in my life, I'm finally gettin' what I want. And the best part is, she wants me, too.
Finn drove the whole way to Stamford, his boots still on his feet, singing every song on the radio no matter how shitty it was. He was happier than he ever remembered being. Nothing could touch him. Not even the thought of how awkward their first conversation was going to be. Rae was the sun on his face on a warm summer day. She was the soft breeze that circled him as leaves danced around him. She was the song in his head. She was the beating heart in his chest. She lived in his soul and there she would forever stay. She was his everything and he knew should always be.