Part II - Regrets

Lily looked up slightly, her beautiful green eyes meeting mine through long, thick eyelashes.

"Our parents died," she said, so softly that at first I thought I misheard her. "We came back for their funeral."

She nodded, and I saw her front teeth nibbling on the corner of her lower lip.

"I'm so sorry," I told her automatically, not really thinking about what she said. Her parents would have only been in their late 40s, they couldn't possibly be dead. And certainly not at the same time. "How did it happen?"

As soon as the question had left my lips, I realized how inconsiderate and morbid it sounded. Yet, in a strange way, I had to know.

"They were hit by a drunk driver when they were walking back home a few days ago." Lily's voice sounded dead, flat. "They won't get to meet their grandchildren, Petunia's due the month before I am. My baby isn't going to have any grandparents." She paused for a moment, before adding, "I'm an orphan."

It took a moment for this news to sink in. Sweet Mr and Mrs Evans were always extremely nice to me and made me feel welcome, much like their daughter had been. The thought of the two of them being the victims of a drunk driver didn't seem possible. They had always tried to get Lily and her sister to be friends again and, last thing I knew, been the only thing that was keeping the girls' minimal contact with one another continue.

"She didn't even send me a birthday card this year," Lily announced, flopping herself down next to me in the library. "She just signed Mum and Dad's card."

"What a bitch," I said bluntly. I had never pretended to like her, she had always looked down on me and her insults had broken Lily's heart.

"Sev," she said, her voice strangely calm. "It's not like it's my 17th, I'm only 16 this year. I'd be more upset next year."

"It's still her little sister's birthday, she should at least have the class to send something." I knew that I was being snarky about the entire thing. But, in my mind, it was ridiculous to think that somebody wouldn't want to be a part of Lily's life.

Lily looked at me and shifted uncomfortably and shrugged. It appeared that she had a sudden thought as a smirk came over her face and she raised an eyebrow. "I realize that a certain male best friend of mine hasn't sent me anything for my birthday though."

I rolled my eyes. "I wasn't aware I had to owl whatever I bought for you."

"Well, it's fun to get parcels from owls," she said. "And I usually don't get many, with the entire parents-being-Muggles thing."

"True," I nodded. "Did you get theirs this morning?"

"Yeah." She paused for a moment, before adding, "And Potter's." While I was sure that she knew I was thinking, she kept talking. "Two dozen roses, a hardcopy book with a collection of Shakespeare's plays, and a huge box of Muggle chocolate," she said. "It was massive, but at least it's useful. Though I'm not going to tell him that."

"Mmm," I murmured, thinking about the pair of shoes her best female friend, Aurora, had helped me pick out on the last Hogsmeade trip. Suddenly, I felt as though they weren't enough.

"What's wrong Sev?" She placed her pale hand on my arm and I swallowed hard.

"Nothing."

The look on her face showed her disbelief at this comment, but she let it slide. "Come on, let's go to lunch then."

I sighed, but picked up my bag as she stood up. The same thought kept ringing in my mind… "You will never deserve her."

She blinked a few times, frown lines appearing on her forehead.

Happy birthday," I blurted out.

"Excuse me?" I could feel the heat creep up onto my face.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out like that," I said in a rushed voice. "I mean, I did. I do hope you have a happy birthday. It was just a bad time to say that, wasn't it?"

She completely ignored my comments. "Why was that even on your mind?"

I hesitated, not really wanting to answer. But the glare that she gave me, one that I had grown accustomed to over our last couple years at Hogwarts, made me answer. "I was thinking about your sister and the last birthday you had when we… when we were friends." The thought stung more than I wanted to admit. "And then I realized that it was right around your birthday."

"Oh," she said softly. "Yeah, I guess it is. I feel so much older than 20 though."

I could sympathize with her. I was only three weeks older than her, and I had certainly seen more than any 20-year-old deserved too. "I understand."

I watched her shift her weight from one foot to the next. Pale pink circles had begun to form around her eyes; she looked like she was trying to avoid crying in the produce section. I watched as she fiddled with the buttons on her coat, avoiding making eye contact with me. Yet despite her red eyes, the purple-y bags under her eyes, and her lack of makeup, I still thought that she was beautiful.

"What have you been up to?" she asked me.

I could tell that she was trying to get her mind off of her parents' deaths, and I was willing to oblige. My own father had not been a part of my life since I was fourteen, when my mother had finally gotten the nerve to kick him out of the house. I had come home from Lily's house later that week, to find my mother's wand had been snapped cleanly in half and was lying beside the door. I then saw my mother, lying conscious on the sitting room floor with her leg sticking out oddly and her left eye purple and bruised. Lily had helped me through that, coming over to help revive my mother and giving me the comfort I did not admit that I needed during the Muggle lawsuit against my father. Now I knew that she needed somebody more so than I had relied on her then, yet I knew that I was not the person she wanted to be comforted by. I knew the person that she was relying on was Potter. In my eyes, she would always be my Lily. But in her eyes, she would always be his. Perhaps worst of all was that in everyone else's eyes, she had always been his. Before she had agreed to date him, people knew not to mess with James Potter and (it was painful to think) his Lily.

The thought made the rage I had been so successful at keeping at bay bubble up inside me, threatening to explode at any minute. But I couldn't do that, not to Lily. The last thing she needed was for me to cause her more problems, with her parents' death, being a Muggleborn, and having Potter's spawn growing inside of her. So I said the only thing that I could say, "I haven't been doing all that much. I've been working the evening shift at an apothecary and at a potioneer's during the day. I applied for the Defence Against the Dark Arts job at Hogwarts last year, but I was unsuccessful."

That was all true, of course. Dumbledore had his suspicions about me, though he didn't dare say it. He probably still hoped that I would turn to his side and fight the Dark Lord. I don't think that he realized how simple it would be to convince me. He had the best weapon of all on his side, working religiously to eliminate those who hated her and people like her, but he didn't know it. I don't know if I would be able to say no to Lily if she asked me. Not if it meant that I had a chance with her. Not if it meant that I could make it back into her life. I would do anything, I just needed to be with her again.

Lily, apparently, was not content merely knowing what I had been doing dead-end-career wise though. Instead, being female, she had to ask more personal questions, ones that I did not want to answer. "Have you really not been seeing anybody?"

She had tried to keep her tone light, as though the answer was neither here nor there to her. The underlying curiosity, which had gotten her into trouble so many times before, was coming out. "No," I said. "At least, nothing remotely serious."

Of course it was nothing serious. How could it be serious when the one woman I wanted, the only woman I had ever wanted, had barely talked to me for four years and was married to one of the men I detested most? I couldn't tell this to Lily though. She had never known, even when we were best friends she hadn't wanted to see it.

Lily's gave a reply of "oh", after which she fell silent. She seemed to be feeling just as awkward as I was, with her mind racing through memories. I scratched my left forearm subconsciously, as there was a slight momentary prickle of pain. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I stopped and tried to look nonchalant.

I turned to Lily, only to find her looking at my arm curiously. She did not say anything as her eyes reached up to meet mine, but a slight furrow formed between her eyebrows. "Sev?" she asked, questioning me even though she knew what my answer was going to be.

"Do you really think I could do that?" I asked softly, feeling my chest tighten at the sound of her old nickname. I refused to believe that she was only using it to get me to open up to her. No, I wanted to believe she was finally going to forgive me. I was not sure I wanted to know what she thought, I didn't want to know if she was aware of what I had done to people like her.

This question seemed to make her uncomfortable. Her hand reached back for her stomach again and I saw the ring on her hand glinting under the florescent lights as her thumb rubbed back and forth over the material. After a long pause, she finally said, "I'd like to think that you couldn't. But I really don't know." She nibbled at the side of her lip as she finished talking, looking up at me as though daring me to insist that she was wrong.

I hated that I couldn't tell her what she wanted to hear, at least not honestly. I didn't like disappointing her, not after I had done it so often already. But that was, essentially, what I had done by joining the Dark Lord. By turning against so many people like her.

Somehow, I could not make myself to meet her gorgeous green eyes, out of fear of what she would see. "I take it Potter is trying to be some big hero again, fighting against the Dark Lord."

"Yes," she snapped back. I was certain that if I looked up, I would see her trying to stare me down.

I sneered, memories from early seventh year bubbling to the front of my mind. "He always did think that it was his job to take care of people like you."

"That's not a bad thing," Lily hissed.

I finally did look directly at her again. She looked frustrated, which did not surprise me in the slightest. It had never been hard to get her riled up if you knew what buttons to press. The only time she hadn't snapped was if she had somebody she was looking out for or to avoid trouble.

I was walking through the halls at a quick pace, hands shoved in the pockets of my Slytherin robes. It was a Friday night, but I had the strong desire to be on my own, away from my fellow students. I was strolling the corridors absentmindedly, with the excuse of being a prefect ready if I were to run into a professor. But that was unnecessary, with the silence of the night only interrupted by my rapid footsteps.

I had made my way up to the third floor corridors before I heard sounds. They were soft, as though the culprit was trying not to be heard, but I had picked up on them anyway. I turned left, hand grasped tightly around my wand, trying to resist the urge to move even faster and use Lumos. When I finally did come close enough to the culprits, my adjusted eyes revealed the couple snogging against the wall.

"Lumos," I cried.

It took the couple a moment to stop after the light washed over them. A wave of jealousy washed over me as I looked at Lily and Potter. He straightened up quickly, removing his lips from where they had been trailing down her pale neck. Lily's hands pulled out from where they had been wrapped around his stomach, leaving his school shirt untucked.

It seemed to take them another second before they realized exactly what had just happened. "Snape," Potter said, inching over so he covered up Lily from my view a bit more and reaching into his robe pockets for his wand.

I smirked as he reached into his pocket. "Potter."

Potter looked down at his trousers, where slight evidence of what he had just been doing was visible. He flushed slightly. "What are you doing out of bed Snape? I think that maybe I should dock points for this. A prefect, of all people, breaking the rules."

"I was patrolling," I told him coldly, keeping my voice level.

"Bullshit," he replied, without hesitation. "There are six people patrolling tonight, and you're not one of them."

I sneered at him. "You wouldn't have memorized that," I said. "You're just looking for a reason to get me in trouble."

"No, Severus, he's not." I had missed that sweet, feminine voice. "We know who is patrolling every night and James is right, you're not one of them tonight. So just tell us why you were really out of bed."

I shook my head. "There isn't anything to tell."

"Of course there is," Potter said with a laugh. "What have you been up to Snape? I will figure it out eventually, so just save us both the effort and say it now."

Within seconds, I was three feet away from him with my wand pointed directly at his chest. "You are way too bloody arrogant for your own good," I whispered. "You aren't the god you think you are Potter. A lot more happens in this castle than you think does, but you are so sure that nothing slips under your nose."

Potter's lopsided smirk returned to his face. Once again he was so certain that he had the sun rotating around him. "Think you can do things right beside Albus Dumbledore and get away with them, Snivellus? He tells me more than you can even dream."

"Lies," I hissed.

Potter and I stood almost eye to eye for a moment before he looked behind him for a split second. "Come on Lily," he said, reaching for her right hand with his left one. "I think we should go."

The second that he turned around, revealing Lily with her puffy lips and messed up hair, was too much for me. I placed my wand within centimetres of his neck. "You don't really think you can get away that easily after being caught snogging with the Head Girl and making fun of a Prefect, do you?"

Potter's right hand flew up and grasped my wrist tightly, moving my wand away from his neck with force. "It would be my word against yours Snape," he said.

I couldn't help but sneer. "You've gotten yourself into more trouble than anybody else in the school Potter, I don't think it would be hard to be more trustworthy than you."

"Fine," he said, his voice unusually calm. "Your word against Lily's."

I froze for a moment and his grip on my wrist slackened. By the time I realized what was happening, Potter was several feet away from me and, instead, I found myself almost chest to chest with Lily Evans.

"Severus, you should not be out of bed," she said calmly. "Put your wand away before I have to report you for pulling your want out against the Head Girl and Head Boy. I want you to go straight back down to the dungeons." I opened my mouth to retort, but her eyes narrowed. "No, be quiet. I will know if you go back. But if you are back there within five minutes, I won't take any points off. So go, and do it quickly. I will be forced to take points off if you don't."

I nodded meekly, unable to not do what she requested. Instead I merely followed her orders, wishing the entire time that I had been given the chance to jinx Potter for doing what he had done with Lily.

As I stood next to Lily, across from piles of apples and oranges, I couldn't help but wish that we had been able to reconcile when we were at school. Maybe then I wouldn't be stuck feeling as though I did not know my best friend for more than half of a decade at all anymore.