Part 3: Saved

I stand there in my shower and just think. It's been two days since they broke me out of Hell. They have me going on some light exercises to relieve the stiffness of my body. They also have me eating this nutrient-rich goop which either tastes bland or downright revolting depending on the intended flavor. However, spending a quarter of a century in the Abyss makes any food taste good. It feels good just to put something in my mouth, make some chewing motions, and then swallow it. The only thing I don't like about meals is the plastic knives. I picked up one to pass it to an intern. For a split second I was in the arena again, preparing to kill. The flashback caused me to yell and drop the knife. After that, no one's allowed to bring any knives, plastic or metal, near me.

The only places I've seen in the building are the Reviver room, the halls, the cafeteria, and my room. These places are familiar to me now, and they feel safe. I remember in the Academy there was this one class where you learned the weak spots of the human body and how to exploit them. The kidneys, the jugular vein, the heart, the vertebrae in the neck, the head, etc. The night after I was revived I had a nightmare. I was walking toward a staircase. As I came up on the first step, I slipped and started to fall down the stairs. As I fall forward, I see a rock waiting for me on the bottom of the stairs. Stalvo sits behind the rock, grinning up at me. "Welcome back," he says just before my head makes contact with the rock. My screams attract the guards and the whole incident earns me a visit to the head doctor in the morning. I'm prescribed pills for the dreams after that. If only there were pills for necrophobia, the fear of death.

The things I enjoy the most are the basics of life. Eating, drinking, sleeping, they're all the simple, essential things of life, yet just doing them is a pleasure. Even washing myself feels good. Hence the reason why I have spent the last hour enjoying a cold shower. This is probably an excellent way to contract pneumonia, but right now, I just let the water flow over me. No fancy foams, shampoos, or perfumed water, just cold, pure water for me. The heat from a hot shower brings back too many memories, so after the actual washing, I just crank the temperature control to as cold as I can stand. I'm probably going to get a lecture from Charis or Beetee about conserving water. I'll listen when that comes around.

Someone knocks on the bathroom door. "Clove, there's someone who wants to see you." I recognize the voice of Garret, a guard from District 11.

I sigh. "Give me a moment, I'll be right out." I reluctantly turn off the water and step out. As I towel off and get my clothes on, I wonder who it is. They haven't told anyone outside the facility, so it can't be my family, who miraculously survived the War. I highly doubt its Rue. It was Marvel who killed her, but I had been one of the Career pack. I don't think she would want anything to do with me after the arena. She probably hates my guts. I've seen her at the mess hall, surrounded by most of the guards and a few of the doctors and interns. She has quite the following. I'm not sure if it's her friendly innocence/cuteness or if it's her role in the Hunger Games. Probably a bit of both. Neither of us tried to talk to the other and that's fine with me. She brings back a lot of painful memories, both earthly and hellish.

I open the bathroom to find her sitting on my bed, talking to Garret about someone named Michael. They abruptly stand up and Garret turns to Rue. "Rue, I'll be outside if you need me." I catch the second meaning to his words as he passes by, eyeing me. He really means, "Yell if she attacks you." Since I came back, I doubt if I'll even be able to hurt an insect after all that.

I hear the door close behind me and I face Rue. What do you say to a person when you had been part of a group who was hunting them and an ally of yours was the one to send them into the afterlife? Apologize right off? Ask them what Heaven was like? I decide to keep it simple. "Hey, Rue."

"Hey," I answer. She stands there, looking at me and randomly cracking the joints of her fingers. She finishes up with her right hand and continues with her left. Must be a nervous quirk of hers. "What do you think of the food?"

She almost brightens up. "It's good. Not that great on the tongue, but it fills the stomach nicely."

Another moment of silence. What do you say to the person who helped to kill you? I remember looking back after climbing a tree and getting a bird's eye view of the Careers carving up the weaker tributes that had been dumb enough to run to the Cornucopia. Clove had thrown a knife into the back of the fleeing girl from District 7. The girl had gone down with the knife in her back and when had she tried to get up, Clove sent another one into the back of her neck. The image, Clove yelling to the sky as she held the bloody knives in her hands, was burned into my brain. It's one thing to meet someone in Heaven who did stuff like that on Earth. It's another to meet them again on Earth. How do you talk with that person, let alone spread the Word of God with them? Then again, what did that say about me if I couldn't forgive someone after where each of us had been?

"Clove," I start.

"I'm sorry," she blurts out. "I know that I didn't kill you, but I know that I would've if I had the chance." She starts to tear up. "I just wanted to make my district, my family, proud. I just wanted to survive." Tears start flowing. "If I had had any idea what awaited me on the other side I wouldn't have even considered it, I swear. I'm so scared right now. I don't want to die again and go back to that place. What do I do? What do I…?" She's full out sobbing now.

For the first time, I see her as she really is. A victim. Just like me. If anything it was worse for her. She had been trained since childhood to kill. It had been expected of her and she had gone with it, just like any other kid. Even in Heaven I hadn't realized that the Careers, for all their training and bloodlust, were just victims like the rest of us. They're trained to kill for their district and that's all they know. No child should be taught that it's right to kill, except in self-defense.

Impulsively, I start over to her and hug her around the waist (I'm not that tall). I feel her jump and then hug me back. I back up as she falls to her knees, and then I hug her again. She cries into my shoulder as I just stand there, rocking her and whispering that it'll be okay. We're like that for a moment and then she starts pulling back. I let her go. "I forgive you Clove, for everything."

She sniffs and wipes her nose on her sleeve. "Thanks." She swallows and continues. "I'm afraid, Rue. I don't want to die again. Not if I go back to that place."

"How bad was it?" When I see the look on her face I add, "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

"No, I can do this. You have to tell me about Heaven though," she says.

"Deal," I say. We sit down on her bed and I turn to her expectantly.

She grabs a tissue from a box on her bedside and blows her nose violently. "Alright, first I found myself in a tunnel that was completely straight, yet no matter how long or how far I walked, I would always come back to the same place. Then this really handsome guy named Stalvo came along and when I threatened him about my knives (they were missing), he…tortured me somehow. It felt like I was being stabbed by burning-hot knives all over."

I couldn't help but shiver at this bit. I had heard about Stalvo before Lucifer's rebellion. He had been a friend of Pannol's, in fact, and a gatekeeper. He now enjoyed toying with those who came to Hell's gates before sending them into Hades.

"Then he turned into this thing that looked like a human-bat-lizard muttation. He told me I was at Hell's gate. The tunnel dissolved and I fell for a long way into what looked like a lake of fire. When I landed, I saw that there were patches of clear ground between the flames. There were people, from different times and places, fighting each other to get out of the Hell fires. Monstrous demons tortured us, beating us, throwing us into the flames. It hurt so bad, yet it didn't wound us the same way if it had happened to us here. The sounds are enough to scare anyone straight. The demon's laughter and the sceams. We also had to dodge new arrivals as they fell out of the ceiling. You'll never guess who landed on my head."

"Who?" I ask curiously.

"President Snow. Just before that I got hit by this woman. Weird grey eyes, and grey hair that didn't look natural. She was really mad at Snow for something, something about a 'Mockingjay.'"

"Oh, that was President Alma Coin of District 13. And Katniss was the Mockingjay they were talking about," I reply.

"Charis told me about the Rebellion. Man, never would have thought Everdeen could've pulled that off. Didn't know about that Mockingjay thing, though."

I also saw Brutus and Cato in there. No sooner did Cato and I see each other than they separated us on purpose. 'No comfort in Hell, Clovy,' that's what Stalvo told me. If I could have him for 5 minutes…"

She suddenly brightened up. "Rue, do think they could bring back Cato?" The hope that crosses her face suits her much more than the bloodlust I saw in the arena.

I think for a moment. "It's possible. I mean, God has to approve whose coming back to life. Five more people are supposed to came back from Heaven and five more from Hell. Prim's coming back from Heaven, so it's possible that Cato could come back."

She starts trembling. "It felt like I was down there for centuries. Centuries of dodging arrivals, burning, fighting, and torture. When I was brought up, it felt like a huge gentle hand was holding me the entire time. Stalvo and the other demons chased me up the entire time. He screamed just as I entered my body. Everything seems so, so heavenly after that. Water, food, sleep, no fires, no monsters beating me to a pulp. The only thing I'm afraid of is dying again. Rue," she turned to me, pleadingly. "How do you get into Heaven? If I go back to Hell, I know that there won't another chance of getting out. Please tell me."

I swallow. I've heard the phrase 'moment of truth' from the older saints. This was mine. Best to start with how.

"Alright," I say. "There are two ways to go to Heaven when you die. One way is to die while your mind and heart are still innocent, before you reach the age of accountability. That's when you reach the age at which you're held accountable for your sins. It's different for each person. That's what happened to me the first time. The other, and only, way is to accept Jesus Christ, the Son of God, as your savior."

She looks at me quizzically. "I know about God, and Jesus, from little I've gleaned over the years. But what does that mean, accepting Him as your savior?"

"It means," I explain, "that you admit to Him that you are imperfect, that you have committed sins, that without Him you are helpless and misguided. You recognize His sacrifice for you on the cross, and that you need Him. He loves us all Clove. It's our actions that He hates, that distance us from Him. He takes our sins upon Himself, and so we are freed of them. We then go to Heaven when we die to be with Him."

"What's Heaven like?" She asks quietly. There is a glimmer of hope in her eyes now.

"It's like home, only better. District 11 is there, only there's no Peacekeepers or fences to keep us in. Everything's bigger and cleaner. The mockingjays sing all the time. There's the palace where Jesus holds His court. When we go there we receive crowns depending on our services to Him. Just imagine your life, your world, perfected. What's your home like?"

She smiles. "I live with my parents and my little sister Calliope. My house is in a village two miles from the main settlement of District 2. My Dad worked in a marble quarry. Thanks to my enrollment in the Academy, we were able to afford a very nice house. One of my favorite things to do with my sister was teaching her how to throw a knife in our backyard." A stricken look comes into her eyes right then. "She was enrolled too, and I was helping her to train for the Games…" She stares straight for a moment and then, "There are no Hunger Games now. She's safe. What must she think of me?" Clove starts crying again. "They must all think I'm a monster."

I hurriedly put a hand on her shoulder. "No, no. I watched Katniss on her victory tour. Your family was in tears, and so was Cato's. I don't know what they think of you, but they do love you." I remember something I heard earlier. "Calliope is married with her fifth child on the way. She named her first girl after you. I'm sure she would want her children to know their aunt."

She continues to sob for a few more minutes. She blows her nose violently again and turns to me. "I messed up the first time around. Yes, they put me through that training and the Games, but I still could've chosen not to kill. Those kids probably would have died anyway, and I would still have gone to Hell, but their blood wouldn't be on my hands, their faces in my mind." She stares at the ground and then back at me. "I have a second chance now, and I'm not going to ruin everything again. How do you accept His gift?"

I nod and get off her bed onto my knees. She does the same.

"All you have to do," I say, "is to admit to Him that you're a sinner and imperfect, that you need Him as your savior. Confess your sins to Him and acknowledge His sacrifice on the cross."

I take a deep breath and psyche myself. I'm going to be pouring my soul out, literally, to a God whose existence I didn't believe in for the first 18 years of my life. If someone had told me on the day of the Reaping that I would die in the arena, go to Hell, and come back 25 years later, I'd report them to the Peacekeepers for insanity. Back then I found the very idea of me losing in the arena to be ludicrous, but now, when I knew just how vulnerable both my physical body and my soul were…this was the only way I wasn't going back to Hell a few decades from now. My life has changed far more than I ever would have guessed it would.

On Reaping Day, if asked what I thought I would be doing in 25 years, I would've said "I'll be preparing in my mansion for my next visit to the Capitol as a mentor." Secretly, I had also hoped that I'd be married to Cato by then. That dream was smashed when Cato volunteered for the arena. He had gotten the highest score of the boys; that's basically a ticket to the Capitol and hopefully glory. Said dream was brought back when the rule change allowing for District partners to win the Games was allowed. If Cato and I had made it to the end, we would've had to fight each other. Neither of us would've thought of using berries to trick the Gamemakers. The frightening thing is that whenever I ask myself if I could've killed Cato, I find myself figuring out how to do it. I definitely need some help in the violence department.

I clear my head and my throat. Time to change everything. I bow my head and start praying. "God, I'm praying to you for the first time. I probably should've done this a long time ago. I just never wanted to believe in a God that would hate the Hunger Games, and I didn't know that much about. I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the murders I committed in the arena, the lies and cheating I did to get on top, the time I had all those girls gang up on my rival, Jaylen, all the times I lusted after…after Cato and other boys." I'm tearing up again.

"I'm sorry for my pride and arrogance, for my selfishness, for all that I've done to put you on that cross. You died for all sinners on that cross, you died for me and that's more than I can understand. I need you now, God. I put my life, both here on Earth and in the afterlife, in your hands. I'm not doing this just because I'm scared of Hell." Now I've got tears running down my face again, but I don't care. It seems fitting.

"I am, but I know that I deserved to be there for everything that I did inside and outside the arena. Just help me to use this second chance you've given me. And please, if…if it's your will, just please bring Cato back. Just to have him alive will be enough." I pause and glance towards Rue, who's praying with me. "How do I stop?"

Rue glances over at me. "I always heard people say, 'In your name I pray, amen.'"

I take a breath. "In your name I pray, amen." All throughout the prayer there was this odd sensation that started at my heart and spread through my body. As I finish, it reaches my extremities. I feel…clean and light, like someone just lifted a weight off my chest and wiped some odious scum from my body. Some of the guilt is still there, but I feel so clean.

I turn towards Rue. She's looking up at me and smiling. I hug her first this time. "Thanks," I breathe into her hair.

"Thank the Lord," she replies. I nod and get up. The clock shows that it's five minutes to lunch.

"Up for some nutrient-rich goop at the cafeteria?" I ask, grinning.

"Sorry. They've moved me up from that stuff. It's grosling soup for me," she answers, grinning back.

"Darn it. One moment." I blow my nose again and go into the bathroom to wipe my eyes. "It's almost time to join your fan base."

"Very funny. You know what this means, right?"

"What? My conversion?"

"It means that we've got to spread the Word. Jesus said that He was allowing twelve people to come back from the dead to spread the Word. Judging from the Hunger Games and the War, Panem really needs it, more than anything else."

I finish wiping my eyes and study them in the mirror. "How are we supposed to do that? Isn't there a book that can help us?"

"Yes, and I know where we can get one. There was this man back in 11, we called him Uncle Remus. He would read the Bible to us kids whenever the Peacekeepers weren't around. In Heaven, he told me I could use it. It's in this one orchard back in District 11."

"Good," I say as I head for the door. "You, I, and the others are going to need all the help we can get. We can plan it all as we eat."

"Best idea I've heard all day," she says.

The look on Garret's face as we exit my room laughing is enough to start another bout. For the first time in a long time, I feel hope for the future. I'm alive, the Games are gone, I have a new friend, a new God, and a new life.