Disclaimer: Teen Titans isn't mine
No lemony stuff this time. Just a bit of insight into Jinx's thought process.
"Speech"
Written text
Ugh... my head. Fuck. God, everything hurts. Fuck me. What happened... ugh... I don't remember anything? Where am I? What was I doing? God... my head...
Something smells. It smells like... shit. Shit, now I remember. Fuck, that's-
"Raven? Raven... you there? Rae..."
Fucking... that bitch. When I get up... wait a sec.
Wasn't I passed out on the floor? Why am I in my bed now? Why is there... there's a couple hairs left on the pillow next to me. They're violet - that's... she slept with me? No, not that way, not that way! But she slept next to me? And I wasn't awake to see her come or go?! Fuck!
"Raven! You were here, weren't you! Answer me! God damn it..."
She carried me here... she cleaned up after me? No, no, I still smell like, well... uh... but I think it's just me. It's not coming from anywhere else. I thought... I thought- well, I don't even know anymore. Does she care about me? She came back for me!
Why? She said she wants me. Me. She wants me to be hers... fuck. Considering how easily I fell into that little submissive act... fuck. But she cares... right? She's just... Raven. Girl doesn't have a fuckin' clue how to express herself. Well, just kidding. That whole 'I want you, you're gonna be mine' thing was pretty direct. I mean, I don't really have a choice... does it matter? Do I even care?
Of course I do! She's another girl! She's Raven. There's so many things wrong with this. And yet... but I can't fight her. I can't turn her down, and I really don't want to know what happens if I try to resist. But she's an empath! She should know how I feel! She should... she cares, right? Does she? Or am I just one of her playthings...
"Damn it, Raven! Answer me! You're there, aren't you! Why are you ignoring me!"
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why me? Of all people... why me? Like... yeah, I know I was bitchin' about being bored and shit, but fuck, she's a fuckin' demon whose trying to make me her... her... her bitch! Oh my god...
"Please..."
Alright. Whatever. She's either not here, or she's enjoying watching me squirm. Whatever. Either way, she's not responding. So fine, guess I'll just shower or something. I'll just... ugh. Rae- seriously, Rae. Are you just fucking with me, or..? What do you want?
God, I've got dried cum all over me. This is gonna take a while to get off. Bet my sheets need washing too. And if I had to guess, she's probably getting more stuff to play with too... as if those clamps weren't bad enough. Wait, wait - wasn't I bleeding from them before? I thought - oh right, she's a healer. So she does care? Or... she doesn't want me to get hurt? She wouldn't hurt me for real...
I don't even know what to think anymore. Fuck it all. I'll just... I guess I'll just want until she comes back and see what she says. Ugh.
But like, that's not good enough! What should I do? What can I do? It's not like I can run... I can't hide, I can't fight her, I can't... I can't convince her of anything. Yeah, always sucked at that shit. I, well... I- it's not like I don't wanna see her. I... used to like her. Like, you know, just as friends. Nuthin' else. We were just friends. Just- well, okay. Maybe I had a little crush on her. Just a little one. It wasn't like-
Ugh. We were both girls. It's just... just not right. It didn't matter how I felt. Or how she felt. She must've realized it too- we were both girls! And we still are. I mean, okay, I've fooled around with lots of other girls too, but I've never been in a serious relationship with one. 'Cuz like... that just seems weird. I don't know why, but it just does. It's because... because...
"But I'm the only one who understands you. You're not really going to push me away just because I'm a girl, are you?"
She did say that. She- damn it, Rae. Do you still believe that? Do you still care? Or are you just using me for your own amusement?
Fuck. I can't even think straight right now. Too sore. Still tired. Starvin'... probably dehydrated as fuck too. Ugh. Maybe I'll just go make somethin' to eat then go back to bed. What day is it? It's... Sunday, right? Yeah, Sunday. Yup. Just gonna see what I've got and - wait, shit. I didn't even remember to get food yesterday with all that shit happenin'. Ugh. Fine. Guess I'll just make some coffee and try to get enough energy to go out and get something...
Wait a sec- I smell- that smells like... bacon?
It's coming from the kitchen. Yeah. Don't tell me- holy shit.
Bacon, two omelets, french toast sticks, pancakes, waffles, damn it's all still warm too.
"Rae, what the fuck? When'd you learn how to cook?"
And where's the coffee? Like, shit, girl, you can make all this but- okay, I'm not gonna be a bitch. She made me food - that's good enough. That's- great, actually. I didn't think-
Oh, she left me a note. Hmm...
I was actually going to come see you yesterday, but you kind of passed out before I could even get there. You must've been exhausted, and I suppose I don't really blame you. Thought I'd make it up to you by making you something nice to eat, especially considering how empty your fridge is. Before you say anything, yes, I can cook now. And yes, there's no coffee. Drink plenty of water, kitten. With how much you came yesterday, your body's not going to like drinks filled with all that other stuff in it. Take care of yourself, and wait for me until I get back. And be ready.
Yikes. Be ready. What's that supposed to- fuck it. Not gonna think about that.
P. S. Left you some money in case you're short on cash.
Really? Really- holy mother of- 1000 dollars. That's 'some money'? Shit, she must be filthy rich. Or really generous...
P. P. S. I also left you one of my cloaks, since it's really cold out. It's enchanted to keep the wearer warm.
She what? She- where is it? It's... oh, there's a package over there. It's - yeah, it really is one of her cloaks. It's so soft... it smells like her. Damn...
She really does care, doesn't she? Maybe she was feeling guilty about yesterday? Or... ugh. I think she felt bad, didn't she? She never does something like this unless she's trying to be nice, or she knows she messed up or something, but still, for her to give me one of her cloaks...
"Rae, you didn't have to..."
But, well, not gonna complain about that either. She cares! She really does! That's a relief. I thought - I thought... well I don't know, but somehow, I just feel better. Whew. 'Kay. Guess I'll eat then.
Monday
*sigh. Another long, boring day at work. Nothing ever happens here. Does anything ever happen anymore? God, my life's so fucked.
It's not that I really hate it for what it is... it's just... monotonous, you know? Like, I'm just the gal who serves people their drinks and that's it. Nothin' else to it. Stand here for eight fuckin' hours a day doin' that. And nothing ever happens.
I mean, small talk's fine 'n everything, but- actually fuck, I hate small talk. Fuck that shit. Bein' all polite and 'how're you doing' and 'how was your day' and stuff, yeah, no. Everything's always so nice and business-like to each other and it fucking pisses me off sometimes. If you're gonna ask me how I'm doing, why shouldn't I tell you how I actually feel? Social etiquette, how to be normal, blah, blah, blah, it's all garbage. What's the point in conforming to normality? If everyone's the same... then we'd just be a bunch of robots.
It's not about trying to be different either. Like, I know I'm different, but it's not like I try to flaunt it either. I'm just... not like other people! I'm just...
I guess I can't expect them to understand me so easily, can I? I'm different... I think differently, I'm just not normal, in a lot of ways...
Okay, about the whole normal thing, nobody's really completely normal, but most people are kinda close to it. Then there's some weird-ass people, and then there's people who try to pretend they're weird and different, but they just want attention, then there's me.
A real freak... you know that feeling? You know you'll never fit in, and yet you still try, because- because... I don't know. I just want acceptance? Understanding... and yet I know that nobody really can. Because I'm too different. All those other guys, the weird ones, the pretenders, the normal people, they all still have other people like them, or, I guess, the misanthropes don't really care, but what happens when there isn't someone else who's in the same boat as you?
Who else is there?
There are other metas, yeah. Other freaks like me, but they all fit so nicely into their categories. You know, heroes and villains, the ones who believe they're the saviors of humanity and that shit, or the people who just want to mess around, like Joker, or they just want money and power, like Luthor, or the people who hate everything, like Slade... but what happens when you're none of those?
I don't know what I am. I'm just me... I don't fit anywhere. I tried! I just don't really... sympathize with the way they think, I guess. Not a hero. Not really out for money, or power, don't really hate everything, don't really like hurtin' people, but then again, don't really care to save all the shitheads out there either. Hah, what do I even want?
You know, Rae and I used to talk about this sometimes. The whole, what the hell're we doin' with out lives shit. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lookin' for that whole deeper meaning to everything philosophy stuff. That's more Rae's thing. But sometimes I do gotta wonder...
Ugh. I wish Rae was here. It used to be so much easier with her around. Even if she scares me... at least I know she kinda gets me. Least she won't judge me for soundin' stupid and talking about all of this. She was always good at listening... I knew she cared, too. Which is more than what you can say for a lotta people. And she still does? I think...
Hmm. I wonder if she'll show up today...
Wednesday
Damn it. Where is she? It's been three days already! I thought she said she'd be back soon. Okay, well she didn't say soon, but still! Is she seriously just gonna keep me waitin' here? I'm gonna fucking die of boredom if she doesn't get back soon...
But then again, I might die from... well, whatever she's gonna do to me when she gets back... damn. I mean, can you believe it? I'm still sore from that shit she pulled, and it's already been four days since that... I dunno how much more my body can handle. But...
Like seriously. Sometimes I gotta wonder. What. The fuck. Am I. Doing with my life..?
Literally nothing. Literally just standin' here, watching time pass by, and doing nothing. Fuck this shit. Am I seriously just gonna stay at this shitty job forever? Can you imagine? In like, 15 years, 40 year old Jinx, still here, doin' the same thing day after day. Wake up, get some coffee, watch some TV, go to work, come back, watch some TV, go to bed. Do some side stuff with the boys on the weekends, but that's it. If I get stuck doin' that...
Fuck. Not gonna stick around for that. Rather die. Yep, rather have Rae fuck me to death than have that happen. What's the point in living if you don't even like it? What's the point in living if you don't even feel anything? Can't feel anything around here. No excitement, no energy, nothin'. Hell, there's nothing even depressing, or sad, or infuriating, or anything. At this job, all I get to do is feel nothing. Be nothing - not a person, just a robot, handing people their drinks. Just doin' my job...
'Kay, no. No, just no. Now that I think about it, being tortured by that bitch is way better than this shit. I think I could get used to it - hell, I think I might like it now, considering how bored I am with... everything else.
Okay, fine. She's not a bitch. She was my best friend for a long time, until she left. Well, until everyone left.
Ugh. Everyone left... there's never anyone for me. I'm always alone... but she came back!
She came back, so why isn't she here? She came to see me once, and then... damn it, Rae, you promised you'd come back. You promised, so why aren't you here? Are you just gonna leave me here? Are you just gonna be like everyone else..?
Friday
"Jenny. Jenny. Jenny."
...
"Hellooo? Earth to Jenny. Are you still alive?"
...
"Huh?"
"The fuck... I stand here, waving my arms in front of your face for five minutes, and all I get is a 'huh?'. Damn, you must really be out of it. What's botherin' you?"
"Nothing really..."
Nothing you'd understand, Wally.
"Jinx, what's wrong? You know you can tell me. I won't make fun of you."
I'm glad you care, Wally. I really am. But you just wouldn't get it. You're one of those guys. I know that. You're a legit hero, and that's fine. But I'm not, and that's why we broke up to begin with, remember? 'Cuz I'm not really one, and you're not willing to let me have my fun.
"It's nothing. I'm just tired."
"You don't look tired. Well, maybe you do. But not like, physically tired. Wait. Don't tell me. Is it that time-"
"Seriously?"
"Haha, sorry. Look alive, Lucky. Being so mopey doesn't fit you!"
Ugh. This guy... "Wally, I just need to be alone. Can you please not bother me today?"
"No. Something's bothering you and-"
"You are."
"Funny. But seriously. Something's been buggin' you lately, and you still haven't told me what it is. It isn't just one of your random mood swings, is it?"
Just one of my random mood swings? Really, Wally? Really?
Of course this isn't just a random mood swing! I have this bitch showing up after, what, like five years of no contact, and she's telling me that I'm going to basically be her nice little sex slave. And then she makes me do what she wants, and she leaves me no choice but to obey her, and she fuckin' scares the life out of me, and she forces herself on me, basically, and the thing is, I can't fight her. I know that!
And you know what? You know - you know, that's fine. It's all fine. I don't give a shit. No, what really's scary is... is... she still hasn't shown up. It scares me 'cause... what if I really am just a toy to her? What if... what if she gets bored of me and decides to abandon me? I thought we were friends, Rae. I thought...
"Wait, wait, Jenny. Don't make that face. Jenny-"
"Just - *sniffle* - just..."
"Wait, don't cry. I didn't mean-"
"Don't - *sniff* - touch me. Just... give me... *sniff* a moment."
Oh my god. Am I actually crying? God, this is so embarrassing. I haven't cried since I was six... and in front of Wally, of all people. Fuck me. I just... I don't want to be alone anymore... I just want there to be someone. No. Not just someone. Please come back... please don't abandon me...
*sigh.
"What am I even going to do..?"
Back home. Home sweet home. Where the heart lies, and where you have family waiting for you, waiting to take care of you, and make you feel welcome, and where there's lots of love, and all that mumbo jumbo garbage.
Nah. It's fucking empty. As it has been. For... well, five years. Meh. Guess that's not gonna change.
But... I really don't know how much longer I can keep this up. It feels like... it feels like the life's drainin' out of me. I feel like there's just nothing left for me. Inside me, or outside, or whatever.
Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if I was just dead. It's not like anyone really cares. Maybe Wally does, but he'll get over it. He always does. And least I wouldn't hafta be miserable anymore. I'd just be, well... dead. I wonder... well, I used to be too scared to do that shit. But I'm really starting to get sick of this. If there's nothing else left - then why not? Because... because... well, because I'm still waiting for her. Because she came back-
Hell, do I even know that for sure? Like I said. She's not even here. And I doubt she cares very much either. Yeah, she used to, but people change. They stop caring, and they leave, and you're left alone again. Yep. That's how it's always been. Shouldn't I be used to it by now?
Hmph. Not really. Fuck that. Guess I'll just go to bed. Least sleeping's still nice. Wish I could just sleep forever. Ah well. Good night-
Wait, there's something under my pillow. A piece of paper..? Oh- a note! From... oh god. Please. Please let it be her. Please tell me she's back. Please tell me she hasn't ditched me.
Sheesh, kitten. You really gotta calm down sometimes. I could feel your distress from miles away.
"You could? Raven, if you could feel it..."
I didn't mean to be away for so long. Something came up, and I had to take care of it. I'm sorry for leaving you alone for so long. I didn't mean to. I really didn't. Don't think that I'm abandoning you, kitten. Remember what I said. You're going to be mine, and it means that you'll always be mine. Mine, and mine alone. Do not forget that.
Regardless, I hope you're feeling a bit better now? If so, try to get some sleep. I'm a bit tired, so I won't be talking to you tonight, but rest assured, we're going to have plenty of fun tomorrow. So, be ready, kitten.
"Well then..."
Well, I'm still fucked. But you know, I actually kinda look forward to it. Kinda. I wonder what she's gonna do...
A/N: So I've been told a few times that my depiction of Jinx's character is a little different and somewhat non-standard, and I agree. I'll admit that my goal with these things isn't really to write a character consistent with the show or comic representations, but rather just to create a believable person that can be empathized with. (And to practice writing...) Writers, in the end, are creators, and not monkeys, and even if copying characters and stories is, to an extent, reasonable, just trying to mimic the works of others doesn't really bring something new to the table. So there's a bit of the logic behind that...