Uncomfortable.

I decided, as I woke up from whatever it was that the Doctor was planning, was the perfect way to describe how I was feeling. It wasn't unpleasant, mind, but it wasn't pleasant either. It's like having a blowjob by a muscled male when you yourself are straight; terrifying as fuck, but not wholly unpleasant as far as pleasure goes, but it certainly is not comfortable.

Except the strangeness didn't come from my genitalia. Instead, it came from my nose, or to be exact, my senses. It was like someone had decided to shoved an air freshener straight into my nose, only this time, instead of the scent of pine, it was instead the smell of the faux-sex dungeon I was in. It oddly smelled like something sterile, with a hidden putridness under it.

Animalistic would be the perfect word.

I opened my eyes, feeling them tickle for a moment, before my eyes stared at the ceiling in a perfect clarity that would make blind orphans to cry in the corner after being abused. Too perfect, in fact. I knew for a fact that my eyes were in need of glasses, something I couldn't afford buying since I was quite... economically lacking at the time.

There was a sneaking suspicion in the back of my mind of what the Doctor had done to me.

I gulped. It was quiet in here, too quiet. I would've guessed that whatever the Doctor had done to me, he would've been waiting for me to wake up from my slumber.

"Doctor?" I hesitantly called, my voice echoed as it bounced against the walls.

There was blur from under me, and instantly, I was met face-to-face with a certain cat boy, a mishievous grin that made me want slap him were it not for me being a cat person and the impossibility of such folly. "Hello!"

I yelped in surprise, and flailed. The straps around my limbs tore under my strength with a terrifying ease, and I would've further thought about it if I wasn't in the process of falling down from the cold metal table, to the cold hard stone ground.

Not much of an improvement for my poor spine.

"Doktor, he's awake!"

Immediately, in response to the admittedly adorable Cat boy, instead of mine, a pair of footsteps began to close in to me like a whore late for her daily appointment. The Doctor, the forever insane scientist he was, came into view and I noticed that my eyes caught him farther than I had before the... whatever shit the Doctor did to me.

"Vell," the mad Violator, brother of if the thick Penetrator, began. The usual mad grin on his face. "Do you want the good news or the bad one?"

I shifted my body, glaring at him in what I hoped was menacing- doubtful, but a man can dream. "What the hell did you do to me?"

"Oh, the good news first?" He tilted his head, the shit-eating grin on his face widened, and I hoped his jaw muscles would tear itselves. "Well, the operation is a success, and you're now officially the strongest Artificial Vampire ever created since you're quite compatible to Alucard's blood," he spreaded his arms out not unlike a salesman showing the effect of Viagra. "Though the bad news is, you're still not quite a True Vampire, but," he shrugged flippantly. "You're as close as we could get."

I blinked. The one part of my mind split into two parts. One was the munchkin part of mine, air humping as it cheered like a drunk father watching his football team winning. The other half of my mind was the, 'Oh my God, what have you done?!' part.

Why?

Because fucking Alucard.

Immediately, the munchkin part of me stopped air-humping, and began to wall-humping until its genitalia was bruised, and beaten, just like the current chance of me living in this world.

Because Alucard is going to literally eat me; simply out of principle when he discovered that I'm Artificial, and were he to discover that I was created byHis blood instead of Hers...

I shuddered to think about it, I'm pretty sure it was going to be worse than Luke's or that Brazillian vampire's death. That's not counting Catboy's final act, which led Alucard to kill all of his souls except one. All of that souls may as well include me.

I glared at my doomer. "I fucking hate you right now,"

()_()_()

Can I survive? Was the question that kept popping into my head as catboy and the Violator led me to some sort of place I wasn't too concerned with through a hallway of some sort. I guessed we were in Deus Ex Machina.

There were plenty of ways I could go away without having a game of Dog and Cat with him trying to eat me alive. Most of those solutions were solid failure. Deserting the Millenium? Don't forget about that chip in your head. Stabbing the Millenium in the back? Again, the chip would turn me into crisps. Trying to talk with Alucard? Pfft, that's the equivalent of feeding the Great White Shark.

Maybe I could try to negotiate to Integra? It's possible, after all, she's always the level headed one in the series, and not only that, she's also th hold the leash of a certain red coated monster. I could try to explain my circumstance, and she would either... sic Alucard to me, or spare me. Heck, I would even let the Hellsing put over a leash over my neck as long as Alucard would get away from biting my tail.

The problem would be how I would get the chance of having to talk with Integra. That said, if all fails, I could simply get Seras to kill me. If I became her familiar... well, it's always better than being Alucard's.

Well, I suppose I could just wing it from here.

"Ve're here," the Doctor said, standing before a steel door. Without further ado, we went inside.

I looked around. White tiles covering up the entirety of the whole room. In the far side of the large cubical room, my eyes spotted racks after racks of weapons; from that strange looking falchion that Luke used, to a whip that won't look out of place in a sex dungeon.

The Doctor skipped ahead in front of me as Schrodinger played with himself. "Velcome to the Training room. How about you pick your favored weapon, first? And we'll see what you can do."

I shrugged, letting out a sigh as I skipped ahead to the weapons' racks. There were plenty of them, from that strange cannon thingy that Luke had used to duel Alucard with, to an impossibly large greatsword that kinda reminded me of a certain overly large sword. Experimentally, I plucked the extremely large sword from the rack. Unsurprisingly, it took little to no strength before I lifted the bloody sword.

I shook my head in amused manner, dropping the sword back to its rack as I continued to search for the weapon that would fit me. Would it be a sword? An axe? Or maybe a handcannon?

I clicked my tongue. The question was, what kind of fight I would favor? Is it long combat, or close combat? Definitely long combat. But what would I use? With my strength as I was now, I could practically use anything as a long combat weapon...

Wait.

Anything.

A grin not unlike a certain red coated vampire broke into my face.

Anything.

Now I just need to figure out on how to create my own bayonetta dimension.