WITCH WEEKLY: Is James Potter not only howling for attention, but in general?
THE MORNING AFTER THE ACCIDENT
"Oh my Merlin!"
Several heads turn in the crowded street that is Diagon Alley, the late July sun painfully burning down on scalps, a general agitation searing in the air; one particularly annoyed man, probably looking to buy the paper and some cigarettes, curses loudly and says, "I've no time for this!"
He stomps off, seemingly forgetting about his nasty addiction and elbows his way past witches and wizards, onto bigger and better things like the grocery shop. (The wizarding world underwent what one might call a complete and total make-over; goodbye quills and owls – hello magically enhanced muggle technology and thank Merlin too, because honestly? Who writes letter by hand anymore? How primitive.)
"This can't be true! TELL ME IT ISN'T TRUE!" a girl screams at no one and one might think she's in great pain. She's wailing loudly now, clutching the metal railing of the cart, successfully throwing off many issues of The Daily Prophet.
"Jesus, Becky, what is wrong with y—oh my God."
Her companion stops dead in her tracks at the sight in front of her.
It's Witch Weekly in all its usual pink glory, the one thing that has managed to stay relevant since the 90s; it was baring the face of James Potter (cartoonish version of the full moon above his head) and his girlfriend Phoenix, who was holding onto his hand, both of them smiling widely; a large rip was between their walking figures, the titles 'HOT NEW COVER STORY: JAMES POTTER – WEREWOLF?' and the slightly smaller one 'POLOVO – NO MORE?' wereunderneath them written in conspicuous cursive.
She gasps and seizes Becky by the arm, throwing a galleon at the saleslady (a bored looking girl, who'd probably rather be spending the summer with her Nan in Florida right now), grabbing an issue from the stands and squealing excitedly, "Do you realise what this means?"
Becky, ever hysterical, sobs, "We were supposed to get married! He was supposed to be my baby daddy! He can't be my baby's doggy! What will my mother think?! Huh?! WHAT WILL MY MOTHER THINK?!"
"Becky. James Potter is officially back on the market. Do you know what this means?"
Becky looks at her blankly.
"It means he's emotionally vulnerable, silly! I'll - I mean, you'll be able to get him!" she says like it's the most obvious thing in the world, correcting herself hastily. "Come on, babe; let me buy you a mimosa."
"But that won't make it any better," Becky sniffs.
"Oh, please, if the rumor is true, he's even sexier now. You're a slut for danger and you know it!"
The two giggle, Becky wiping her tears and it seems like everything is right in the world again - but you know, not really.
"Look, it even says here that Rosaline is on W!Entertainment tonight. We have got to watch that!"
PRESENT TIME
On telly's all over the wizarding world, every teen wizard that didn't live under a rock was watching W!Entertainment, a program accessible to the magical population only; you'd tap your telly in a very specific way with your wand and et voila, Wizmach would take care of it. You could watch talking psychic parrots at 2am (if you're very drunk and you know … sad.) or Muggles doing funny stuff (like jumping off roof tops into frozen lakes, because they're just weird like that) or maybe even Oliver Wood's hit cook show (which nobody seems to watch for the food.
"He cooks great food, I swear!" the middle aged witch says to her agitated husband. "He's a just marvelous cook! Drool-worthy, really!"
"Drool-worthy," the husband mutters to himself. "Bloody drool-worthy,")
A short metrosexual guy dressed in a blazer and a button up is standing in a gorgeous modern studio, flat screen telly's on the walls playing clips of James Potter in various situations behind him, the logo W! smacked flat between them. There was a host's table in the middle of the room, made from wood and metal, very futuristic looking, two chairs behind it. One of them was occupied by a beautiful middle-aged witch, blonde hair cascading down her shoulders in loose curls; she was looking at Ally McDougal, host to the stars.
He was in this positon because his parents were rich and he knew it; everyone knew it; especially the girls trying to make it into the big time. Ally's lovely smile was as deceiving as his kindness, blonde hair quiffed into the heavens.
"We're on in 3, 2, 1 – This is W!Entertainment and you're watching W!News with Ally McDougal."
The camera zooms in on Ally. "Hello, everyone, today we are joined here by Britain's infamous journalist Rosaline Skeeter!"
It zooms out to show Rosaline, who waves from her chair and smiles, teeth pearly white. The tag-line: 'ROSALINE SKEETER, Head Journalist and Editor in Chief at Witch Weekly, Senior Board Member of the British Magical Beautifying Committee, inventor of the Easy Breezy Weekly Witch campaign, great niece to Rita Skeeter, Britain's Next Top Witch Finalist ('08), mother, daughter and dedicated fan of Oliver Wood, the Quidditch star-turned-celebrity chef' appears underneath her beaming face.
"It's such a pleasure to meet you!" Ally gushes and sits down on the chair next to hers.
"Oh please," Rosaline replies, rolling her eyes. "It's such a pleasure to meet you! I'm such a big fan!"
"Exciting news today, huh?" Ally says excitedly, rubbing his hands together in a child-like manner.
"You got that right, Ally," Rosaline laughs, her laugh pitched and pleasant, and throws some gold hair behind her shoulder. "Sit tight, wouldn't want you to fall,"
He laughs too, "Oh Rosaline," he says, waving his hand in the air at her, "You're truly adorable."
"You know it," she smiles and turns her head towards the camera and spreads her manicured fingers over the table in front of her. "British resident bad boy, James Potter –" she starts slowly, "beast in the sheets but also … on the full moon?"
Ally gasps. "Are you implying what I think you're implying?"
"You'll never believe what I heard. Listen up, witches: has the heartbreaker we have all known to love and lust been infected with a case of lycanthropy? Insiders close to Potter reveal that he was viciously attacked by a ruthless monster and turned into one himself, in the woods near the Chudley Canons match, which happened to be on the night of the full moon."
"The Canons lost tragically, yet again – that makes this incident seem so much more unbecoming, because after all, who wishes to see their favorite team lose and get ripped apart half to death in the span of six hours? We can only imagine the horror!" Ally adds dramatically.
"It was said that," Rosaline leans forward the camera and her looking directly at it gave you the feeling you were gossiping about someone's new boyfriend during lunch. "James Potter was last seen by Quidditch enthusiasts late in the evening, stumbling through the woods, singing at the top of his lungs with friends, looking in high spirits, which could indicate that he was drunk at the time of the attack!"
"But then again," Ally pipes, "After that match, who wouldn't be? They lost 40-450."
Rosaline looks at him and nods her head, "Right? What a travesty!"
"Anyhow, you guys; In the early hours of the next day, we saw Harry Potter, whom James has a rather rocky relationship with, rushing in and out of St. Mungos, looking pale and sickly, avoiding questions," Ally dishes. "Allegedly, James was carried in by Healers at around midnight."
The telly's behind them are now showcasing pictures of James on a carrier, his face obscured by the countless men in lime green at his side. And indeed, seconds later Harry Potter appears in other pictures, hair sticking up at odd angles (even odder than usual, Ally adds), looking like he was about to throw up right then and there.
"Ginny Potter was nowhere to be seen," Rosaline says snidely after the camera zooms in on them again. "Perhaps she had fallen unaccountably ill, like she had once stated about my aunt, the ever fabulous Rita Skeeter, and hasn't managed to be at her sons side in this possibly life threatening situation - what kind of mother puts herself and her own hindrances before her child, I cannot fathom."
Ally nods wisely. "There has been talk for years that James was an 'oops baby', unwanted and unexpected by his parents, forcing Quidditch star Ginny Potter to resign and end her career and Merlin knows Harry Potter is 'abroad on business' constantly," he air quoted the 'abroad on business' part, "Because of his ghastly wife."
"Which in result means he's barely ever home, rarely spending time with his three kids," Rosaline finishes. "But could it be more? Granted, Albus Potter was born just a year later, but have the Potters ever truly accepted James? Is this their way of pushing their son further away? Have they always preferred Albus and the younger sister Lily? Many experts have spoken out that their eldest is showing clear lack of family support and love, resulting in his frequent acting-out and leaving the paternal home for a night over at a friend's house. Or are the cracks in the Potters' marriage running so deeply, the two cannot even assist their son in time of need?"
"It's truly horrible to see a family in such shambles," Ally shakes his head and sighs deeply. He looks sad for a moment but then continues, cheekily, "On the other hand, the sexy lothario is said to be at a private ward, which only folks with pots of gold larger than Neville Longbottom's belly can access."
"Rumor has it; the notorious heartbreaker sustained almost lethal bites to the chest and shoulder area, which could devastatingly result in no more shirtless pictures of him at the beach, enjoying a non-alcoholic cocktail with a certain lady friend, Phoenix Kolovo."
Ally raises his eyebrows and leans back in his chair. "I mean, I sincerely hope it's non-alcoholic; we at W!Entertainment care deeply for Mr. Potter's well-being. But who knows with him, right?"
"Always such a little troublemaker, he is," Rosaline agrees fondly. "Oh yes, only time can tell if he has gotten any injuries to the face, like his famously marred Uncle Bill Weasley had back in '97, but let us pray not."
"We at the offices already lit a candle and started a prayer circle. You can join us now by liking our official page and hooting #PrayForJames on Hootter."
The two shoot the audience a white-toothed smile again.
"Furthermore," Rosaline continues, "We found it curious that Potter's summer girlfriend that goes by the nickname Phee was nowhere to be seen; sources reveal that their summer romance has come to an end."
Ally aww's regretfully and adds, "Naturally, questions were made: was she not a girlfriend, but merely a fling? Surely, many would deny the latter, because the young lovebirds spent the better part of this year together – but many would even go as far as saying that Phoenix is a bad influence on Potter, only grubbing his money."
"We cannot deny that she is beautiful and rather charismatic, but insiders reveal that she is mostly vacant, as one particular statement went: "She's one of the dumbest girls you'll ever meet. [My friend] sat with her last year in math class and she asked him how to spell ORANGE."
"If this report is true," says Ally, disapprovingly, "We have no doubt in mind that she is not mentally equipped to extract money from Mr. Potter. He probably ended this short-lived romance himself."
"As for the bad influence part, we can't say. Never have we seen her indulge in underage drinking, very much unlike James."
"Perhaps," Ally presses, "Her no drinking rule is simply a cover and her aim's to intoxicate Mr. Potter and convince him to transfer his trust fund money to her."
"Oh wait, no; that was what James' mother did. We sincerely hope James doesn't make the mistake Harry Potter made and marries the gold digger. Men, I tell you - so foolish."
Ally gasps, "Girl, oh no you did not!"
"But I did!" Rosaline laughs and Ally pretends to scold her. "You bad, bad girl!" he wags his index teasingly and Rosaline puts a hand over her heart and says, "Bad to the bone, sweetie, bad to the bone,"
Ally, still giggling, continues, "On the other hand, some sources fiercely deny Phoenix's empty-headedness. Here we have a letter from a fan," he points to a telly and a hand scribbled note shows up: "NO! She's smart and beautiful and she doesn't care what you people think! LEAVE PHOENIX ALONE!"
"Yikes!" he laughs, grimacing.
"Witnesses at a party in downtown London have said that Potter wrote this message himself," Rosaline explains. "But if that is true, what made the romance come to an end?"
She looks at Ally expectantly and he says seriously, "Many have argued that Potter and Kolovo don't fit together at all!"
"I mean, he's very sports oriented and laid back and she is alleged to be a complete and utter control freak and way too girlish for his taste."
"I don't know her, but I do want her hair," Ally says, looking thoughtful. Rosaline laughs.
"Oh, you silly boy!" she says, laughing, "So cute, so cute, you are ..."
"But guys; Is Potter still not over his ex-girlfriend of one and a half years, Cheryl Chang, who had famously cheated on him with his ex-best friend for life, Darren Longbottom? Is he avoiding more serious relationships in fear that his friends will yet again intervene?" Ally asks rhetorically. "I mean, it's common knowledge amongst the magical population that the feuds in the famous Dumbledore's Army aren't as rare as one might think they are, when the Potter family graces the cover of the Daily Prophet, smiling dutifully at Ministry events."
"Even James, who undoubtedly got bullied into it by his tyrant mother, trying to cover up his indiscretions," Rosaline concludes and now they're both looking at the camera.
"What do you think, witches and wizards at home; could it be? Is James Potter from now on not only a danger to himself, but also society?"
"Does his –virtually- wild side make him sexier, more mysterious?"
"Will he return to Hogwarts despite his condition? Will Harry Potter hide his son like Albus Dumbledore once hid his mentally challenged sister?"
"Could this entire story be BS? Find out more next week; stay tuned and fabulous!"
They wave and smile and the credits roll, leaving the entire Wizarding World abuzz with excitement.