Disclaimer: Merlin's not mine. And it's probably been a year or so since I posted this, so I would love it if you guys re-read some of the last few chapters :)
All five of them sat in a circle that kept growing smaller and closer as the bottles were emptied one by one. After a while, Merlin lost count.
Percival snorted in between giggles while Gwen laughed so hard she looked as though she could barely breathe. "He did not," Percival gasped, "…tell you to do that."
"He did!" Leon protested when he could speak. "You think he wouldn't do anything to keep Morgana from beating him? He was ten years old and a girl was rubbing his face in the dirt after every duel—"
"Smearing her helmet with gaiaberries? He can't have been that desperate—"
"Of course he bloody could, this is Arthur we're talking about," Gwen scoffed before grabbing another bottle. "Merlin and I once had to hide him out during a tournament so he could compete disguised as another knight, who was actually a farmer, who'd never been on a horse. He was a very desperate human being. This," she squeaked, after tipping a little back, "…is awful, where did you find it anyway Gwaine?"
"I bribed every tavern owner in the lower town for some of their less-than-quality liquors," Gwaine answered distractedly, "The good stuff is not meant for nights like this…but you and Merlin did what for Arthur?"
Merlin was shaking too much to even speak for a moment. "We never told any of them about that, did we?"
Gwen seemed to be having the same problem as she threw her head back. "We never saw Sir William of Deira again!"
Leon's eyes bulged out. "That was—that skinny little—that was Arthur?"
Gwen and Merlin lost it again. Leon sputtered out an abbreviated version of the incident to Gwaine and Percival, who could barely believe it and applauded.
Merlin couldn't remember the last time he'd smiled this much, or the last time he felt so light, warm, and spinny. He also couldn't remember the last time he'd gotten drunk. The two concepts seemed somewhat related. And Gwen? God, Gwen. He hadn't seen her looking so relaxed since long before she'd been crowned.
"He stayed at your house?" Gwaine turned, looking scandalized, to Gwen when they reached that part of the story. "My lady, I do declare!" Gwen punched him in the arm and slumped over on the floor by Merlin on her other side.
"We kissed for the first time that day," she said, her eyes misty with laughter and memory. Merlin felt a pang in his chest and drank another gulp—whatever was in the bottle burned most of the feeling away. "Bloody wonder I fell for him at all, to be honest," Gwen continued.
"Gwen!" Leon looked actually shocked.
"What? Leon, you remember him from back then, and Merlin certainly can attest to it—Arthur wasn't worth much as a romantic prospect in those days."
"No, just a kingdom," Percival quipped.
"And what a kingdom," Gwaine drawled, casting his eyes up at the ceiling.
"It is," Merlin agreed quietly.
But Gwen shook her head. "I never wanted it," her voice drifted. "Not as anything more than a home."
There was a thought scratching at the corner of Merlin's mind, threatening the warmth spreading from his chest and throat across his whole body. He pushed the thought away. Anything to keep it from breaking this, anything.
"Leon, you remember that time I asked you for a crossbow and said I was going to kill Arthur?" he said suddenly.
"Sounds familiar, why?"
Merlin let out a guffaw that sounded almost nothing like him. "Well, Morgana had just enchanted me. I actually was going to kill Arthur."
And Gwen was howling again. Her laughter twined with Merlin's until they were both doubled over. Leon's jaw dropped, and he looked about to ask for details, but a loud hiccup escaped his throat and he too dissolved. Percival smiled wide and Gwaine took in the whole scene with a strange grin on his face.
"Bloody hell—" Gwen panted, "…we both had to stop each other from killing him on Morgana's orders…"
Merlin drowned out a cough with another drink. "I never even put that together until now," he said.
"Christ, you two," Gwaine's voice came out lower, huskier than it had been. He still smiled, but something in his eyes unsettled Merlin, made that thought return and prick jolts through his fingers.
"…You had a king with an army at your service. You couldn't have asked anyone for some bloody help with all of this?" Gwaine asked.
Gwen apparently didn't share Merlin's reservations and met Gwaine's eyes with an incredulous look. "At our service?" she snorted. "We couldn't control him. God…we were his lover and his best friend, but in so many ways we were still nothing but staff." That silenced everyone for a moment. She didn't seem to mind and took another drink.
"We never…" Merlin's head whirled as he spoke up, quietly, frowning at the moving floor, "—never actually decided weren't going to tell him these things."
"What do you mean?" Percival asked. He had stopped rolling his last bottle on the ground with his foot and now looked oddly still.
"We just didn't," Merlin responded, as honestly as he knew how. "Gwen and I, Gaius and I, we never even thought…never even considered that as a possibility. We didn't tell him any of it."
"Why?" Gwaine's eyes still caught the torchlight too well. Merlin couldn't look away from him.
"He wouldn't have handled it well," Gwen spoke this time. Her legs were stretched out in front of her. She watched the toes of her shoes as she lifted each foot and twirled it in the air, one at a time. Everyone watched spellbound as she did this. "We didn't trust him to handle it well," she finally said.
"You should have given him more credit," Leon said. His hand gripped his bottle's neck too tightly.
Gwen tilted her head. "Should we?" her brows knit together, thoughtfully, as if she were genuinely considering the question. Maybe she was.
The thought broke through. The warmth from the alcohol turned to heat inside Merlin's head. "You know what he said to me when I showed him my magic on his deathbed?" he asked the circle, settling his gaze on Leon. "He told me to go away," Merlin heard his own voice barely tremble. "Wanted me out of his sight, he looked like he was going to be sick."
Leon stared.
"He forgave you in the end," Percival started out strong, but his voice slipped, "…didn't he?"
Merlin nodded. "He thanked me," he said, his head spinning into the memory of that dark-sky day, "—when the life started to leave his eyes. And I remember him saying that, I know he forgave me, I do, but I can't…I can't think of that moment without thinking of his face when he saw what I was…he looked so disgusted, so scared of me…I've been dreading being looked at like that for so many years, and to see it on him…"
"Don't remember him that way, Merlin," Gwen had been quiet, but now her eyes bore into him. "He loved you."
"How could he?" Merlin almost giggled, his hands shaking. "He didn't know me."
Gwen shook her head, watching her feet again. "He knew you," she, almost to no one, "—he just didn't know himself." Merlin blinked. Gwen looked up and realized everyone was staring at her in total confusion. "He never realized how much of that prejudice he inherited," she said as though it were simple. "Otherwise, he would have seen Morgana coming. He would have recognized Agravaine for slime. He would have been able to figure out Merlin years ago."
"We all got that wrong!" Leon nearly shouted.
"Gwen didn't," Merlin said, still watching the queen, who shrugged.
"People are less careful around servants," she remarked dryly. "Knights, though… and kings…"
"No," Leon growled, slamming his bottle on the floor. "I stand by what I said—bloody hell, Merlin, how long did he have to process what you told him? To tell him how long you'd been betraying him? You should have given him a chance, the pair of you. Given him more time!"
"Did I say we weren't to blame, Leon?" Gwen's head swayed with drink, but her eyes still fixed on him like arrows. "We're plenty to blame, believe me," her voice sounded thick and rough.
"He doesn't deserve this," Leon exclaimed, almost frantically. "You're—you're talking about him like he was some blind sheep, or just like Uther—Arthur was our king. He was a hero! He was playing a hand from a stacked deck, and you two knew and didn't tell him—"
"He sent me away, Leon," Gwen said, and her voice changed the room.
She didn't speak loudly and she didn't look angry, but there was something raw about her, something that struck Merlin, about the circles under her black glinting eyes and stillness of her mouth. "He exiled me," she continued. No one moved, no one blinked. "He made me leave my home only to make me its ruler a few months later. I…" she swallowed thin air and it made a horrible scraping sound, "—I haven't cried once." She finally looked up, met each pair of unmoving eyes. "Did you know that?" Gwen asked, almost smiling. "I've had all this to look out for, this whole kingdom—I've had to be a queen. This is my home, I had to take care of it, of you… I'm still so angry."
None of them could do anything but watch her shaking with what finally looked like tears in her eyes.
"All that rage Morgana grew in me had to come from somewhere. Hating Arthur was so easy," she went on, swallowing. "He made me leave here. He didn't trust me, he made me distrust myself, and we never talked of it. We never talked about Lancelot, not even on his death anniversary, not even when we all mourned him together…" and then she truly did begin to cry. "Is that what ruling is?" she asked, meeting each of their open-mouthed stares as though she were begging them for an answer. "Will I ever be able to trust myself again?"
"Even if you can't," Merlin whispered, "That doesn't matter." Gwen stared at him. "I haven't trusted myself in years, Gwen," he said, sure beyond anything that she needed to know, "but I trust you."
Gwen swallowed again and shook. It was Gwaine who sat right next to her. Without hesitating, he wrapped his arms around her. She froze with shock for a moment, but he held her tighter and then she kept crying, the way Merlin cried to her, and then he realized Gwaine's eyes were glistening, too. And Percival's. And Leon was crying too, and he looked so desperate that Merlin realized he had completely forgiven him.
"We're still here," Gwaine said, setting his chin on top of Gwen's head, "…and we trust you. We've got to be enough."
They finished off the rest of the alcohol slowly, steadily, until one by one they fell asleep on the floor, in the same circle, dreaming of nothing.
Except for Merlin. He stared at the ceiling, thinking of Arthur. For the first time, though, he didn't see the face of disgust or horror, staring at magic. He saw Arthur smiling. Laughing at Merlin, crying for Uther, scowling at Morganna, staring at Gwen. He saw all of who Arthur was, the good and the bad, but not the horrible. Not the face that had haunted him since he died. He'd seen enough of that.
"Are you okay?" He started and saw Gwaine blinking sleep out of his eyes, looking serious.
"Yeah, I'm okay," Merlin answered. Then he looked at Gwen, sleeping next to Gwaine. "I shouldn't have let her carry me so much," he said absently.
"What do you mean?" Gwaine asked.
"I was losing it, screaming, and she told me to stop because she needed me," Merlin said, remembering her holding his shoulders and shaking him.
Gwaine had lifted himself up. "And what did you tell her?" he asked. Merlin found himself locked on his eyes.
"That I was sick of being needed."
Now it was Gwaine whose eyes darted away, towards the floor. "What about being wanted?" he asked.
Merlin's jaw dropped.
But Gwen turned over to sleep on her side at that exact moment and broke the silence.
Gwaine breathed out slowly and smiled, only meeting Merlin's gaze for a split second. "Get some sleep, Merlin," he said, lying back down and turning his face away.
Merlin closed his mouth, and tried his best for hours to do so.
Mithian and her troops arrived the next day. Gwen strode up to greet her at the gate first, with Gaius, the knights, and Merlin in tow. They were all exhausted from the previous night's activities, but there seemed a calm acceptance among them that hadn't been there before.
"Your majesty," Gwen said, bowing respectfully. Mithian nodded and dismounted from her beautiful black horse.
"Guinevere," she greeted in turn, grasping Gwen's forearms with her hands.
Gwen grasped back. "I was sorry to hear about your brother," she said, meeting Mithian's expressive dark eyes. She had quite forgotten how lovely the new queen of Nemeth was. Mithian had come into the throne unexpectedly after her brother died in a recent battle and her father grew too weak for the responsibility. Ruling suited her; she looked tired and there were a few additional thin creases under her eyes, but she had developed a little more muscle since her last visit and was no quite so pale. The flush from the exercise of riding made her appear all the stronger.
"And I was sorry to hear about Arthur," Mithian responded. "He was a wonderful man. For you to suffer a loss so soon after your own brother…" the new queen trailed off and looked down for a moment before continuing. "Elyan's funeral happened while we were in the thick of the battle with the Stormshold village, but I desperately wanted to be there. For him."
Gwen was actually taken aback by how sincere Mithian was, and how her voice broke at the mention of Elyan's name. She knew that Elyan and the Nemeth princess knew each other—they met at a Camelot banquet shortly after her own return from exile, and they wrote letters back and forth over the course of the next few years, but she had never suspected an actual courtship between the two of them.
"I'm sure he knows that," Guinevere found herself saying. "I—can take you to his burial site this evening, if you would like."
Mithian's mouth tightened. "Yes, actually, I believe I would."
"We haven't held Arthur's memorial yet," Gwen continued in a rush, feeling as though she were suddenly unable to stop speaking. "After this is all over, you are of course invited to attend."
Mithian lifted her stately chin. "Of course." she said firmly. "After all this is over."
Gwen gestured to Gaius, Merlin, and the knights behind her. "Shall I reintroduce everyone?"
"Actually, I do believe I remember everyone." Mithian replied, scanning them all. "Gaius. Gwaine. Percival. Leon…" she stopped when her eyes lighted on, "Merlin." Merlin smiled at her, and squirmed only the slightest bit. "To be honest, I don't know why I was surprised at all when Guinevere told me you're a wizard," Mithian said conversationally.
"Ah…" Merlin answered articulately. Leon looked incredulous and Gaius seemed to be holding back a snort. Gwaine, however, Gwen was surprised to see, looked too distracted to laugh uproariously.
With that, a little life sparked in Mithian. "Shall we?" she asked Guinevere.
"Gaius will make sure your troops get settled in before we begin our training tomorrow," said Gwen. "Dinner is served at eight…we could leave for the burial ground at six and be back in time, if you—that is, I'm sure you've had a long journey today, we could of course postpone the trip until tomorrow…"
"No," Mithian flushed, but shook her head firmly. "No, I am fit. Tonight."
A hopeful, nervous relief settled in Guinevere's chest.
"I'll show you to your room, your majesty," said Merlin, to Gwen's slight surprise. He looked jittery. Mithian followed him with one last nod to everyone else.
They all dispersed and went about their tasks, but Gwen followed Gwaine with her eyes narrowed. The moment everyone was out of earshot, he seemed to notice her there. "Can I help you, Guinevere?" he asked, almost snappishly.
Gwen ignored the remark. "What's the matter with you and Merlin?"
Gwaine slowed his step and rubbed a hand over his anxious, tired face. "I might have told him how I felt about him last night."
"How you…" but Gwen didn't have to reach far before her eyes widened, "…oh."
My main excuse for taking this long is that I had to graduate, get a job, an apartment, and grow up a bit. Thank god that's over. And I have a cat now! Her name is Freya :D I can't take credit for naming her that, but still. Thought y'all would appreciate.
If you're still reading this, I'm honestly shocked and honored that you're still around. If you're just reading this now, hi!