JJ pov
"Why? Why didn't she tell me Lanie!" I scream crying into Lanie's arm, she wraps her arms around me tighter and wipes my tears away.
"I don't know but she did send you to that boarding school right after he showed up. Before that she always gave you the option to stay, because it broke her heart when you were away. Now do you want my honest opinion?"
"Yes." I say wiping the remaining tears from my eyes.
"My guess is she didn't want him taking you away from her, she was a nineteen year old girl whose mother was just shot she wasn't the most emotionally stable or ready to raise a child. He was a millionaire who had a three-year old daughter who was perfect. Any court would have ruled in his favor over hers and she fell in love with you when she first saw you. She cleaned up her act when she found out she was pregnant. She became a completely different person you were exactly what she needed in her life and he was standing in the way of that. So she didn't tell anyone not even me."
"That makes a lot of sense, but Castle just doesn't seem like that kind of person and I think he's just as angry as me. I am pissed that she has known my father for fourteen years, and he has missed out on his daughter's life for fourteen years. That must hurt even worse." I say going into deep thought. He really deserves the chance to get to know me. But that will have to wait until the morning because I really want to have the time to think it over some more.
"Do you still want to look at schools tomorrow?" She asks me. That was a stupid question this doesn't change that I want to patch things up with the two of us.
"Private and public. And Lanie thank you for being here for me."
"I'll always be here for you kiddo just because our staying with your mom doesn't make me love you any less I'm your aunt remember."
"I think I'm going to go to bed Lanie." I say.
"Alright but you have to be up at seven, we are looking at the first school at eight."
"My alarm is already set." I say shutting the bedroom door. I walk into the bathroom door and lock it, I turn on the shower so Lanie doesn't get suspicious. I reach above the sink and into the box that has my blades, I grab the first one and make four clean marks. I feel shitty about it afterwards it doesn't have the same effect it used to. I used to feel in charge and it cleared my mind. Now it just hurt. I put on my pajamas and fall into my bed to have a fitful sleep. I see my mother getting shot but this time Castle isn't there and she dies. I go into foster care and no one wants to take me in. Castle finds out about me, but this time he doesn't want me he calls me an abomination. He hates me and tells me to drop dead he signs away his parental rights to me and walks away with Alexis who just stares at me the whole time like I'm a freak show. I jolt awake to my alarm and grab my mom's sweatshirt and a pair of skinny jeans. I settled to a nice private school with long sleeve uniforms all year-long. I wasn't excited about the skirt I would have to wear with it but I would learn to adjust to it.
I walked into my mother's room in the hospital, and she was sleeping she seemed to do lots of it but i know it's really good for her and she needs a ton of it. I know Castle finding out about me must have doubled her stress level so that probably isn't helping her situation any. Now that I am thinking about it I probably should call Castle.
"Hey."
"Hi. It's JJ, and I thought about what you said and I think that I would like to get know you and I can only imagine what you're thinking it's horrible for me and it must be that much if not worse for you." There was a pregnant pause before he spoke again.
"That sounds awesome six o'clock sound good to you?" he asked.
"Definitely." I say
"Alright dress comfortably we aren't going anywhere fancy." He says.
"Bye."
"Bye."
My mom's eyes flutter open after I get off the phone. "Hey mom I picked a school out today."
"Really? What one?" She asks.
"Burksely academy" I say.
"Nice I'll have to look at it when I get out of here."
"Speaking of that when are they going to discharge you?" I ask cautiously.
"Well Friday if I'm good, then bed rest for another two weeks. Then limited exercise for a month, then therapy for another month and a half then if I'm deemed fit then I can return to work. It's going to be a long and strenuous process and I really am going to need you Jess. I know my limits and I am ready to begin the process."
"I'll always be here for you mom."
"I know baby. Who were you on the phone with?" She asks curiously.
"Castle he wants to get to know me better. I am going to dinner with him tonight at six." I am surprised at what I see when I look at her face there is not anger or resentment in her face the only thing I see is happiness.
"Mom do you like him?" I ask not breaking eye contact.
"Its complicated." She says after a long pause.
"I think you should give the poor guy a chance. He seems like an amazing guy. And he is my father." I say instantly regretting saying the last sentence.
"You have every right to be pissed at me, I really should've told you about him but I was terrified of telling you. I loved you so much and I didn't want to take even the slightest chance of getting you taken away. He was rich and I was nineteen and definitely not in the best circumstances to raise a child and I really didn't raise you. You raised yourself while I worked long strenuous hours and then when I could afford to you went off to boarding school. I'm really sorry but I am different now Castle is breaking down my walls again, and I think it has really changed me. I mean I started writing you about cases and everything, I really just wished you would have written me back." She says tears streaming down her face and I felt a few come down mine.
"It's alright mom I completely understand and I didn't completely raise myself you were there when it mattered. You came when I got sick at school, and you always called to say goodnight if you weren't going to make it. I did wish you were there more, but when it really mattered that's when you were there and no one else could replace you. And I did get your letters, I have all of them in a small box at Lanie's. I thought it was super sweet that you were writing me about your day and cases, just those small things made my days easier. When I was missing you I would re-read them. I was just way too stubborn to write you back. I was angry and I'm sorry." My vision goes blurry from the tears streaming down my face, and I can only imagine the amount of tears coming down her face.
"I forgive you, I was super stubborn too. I didn't want you to see him, or him to see you. And I took all my anger out to you, and I'm an adult I should know better."
"Alright so you're not angry that i want to get to know my father?"
"No I am actually really happy that you want to get to know him. I think I want him to be a more permanent part of my life after I get out of here, but don't think that it is definite because I'm not entirely sure yet." This puts a smile on my face I'm finally getting what I have always dreamed of a family. It was nice when it was just me and my mom, but in my dreams I always dreamed up a man for my mother and we lived happily ever after.
"Alright, but there is something that I need to tell you about, something that I'm going to need your help and support on. And by help and support I don't mean sending me to see a psychiatrist or psychologist I need you to promise me this mom." I say a few tears trickling down my face.
"I'll help you work through anything. Its alright I hate them too, but I think I might need to go see one after this."
"Alright but you promised mom." I say rolling up my sleeve to show her my arm littered with scars and the four fresh marks. She looks at my arm and then up into my eyes. Her eyes fill with hurt, disappointment, and worry.
"It's alright mom Lanie looked at them they aren't life threatening, but I promise you I am stopping." I say looking away from her eyes, it hurts to see the disappointment in her eyes. She pulls me onto her bed next to her, and pulls me into a hug.
"When did you start doing this?" She asks.
"When I went to that boarding school. I felt unwanted and unneeded, I just felt like I had failed you in some way. I fell into a depression, but after being back I feel so much better. Everyone has made me feel loved and wanted and I'm better I promise I just need you to be there for me that's it." I say still in my mom's embrace.
"It's all my fault." She whispers barely loud enough for me to hear. Her tears hitting the top of my head.
"Mom it isn't I swear it was my fault I should have called, texted, or written to you. If I was feeling like that, I could have even talked to a teacher or a counselor there. You can't blame yourself I know I blamed you for the longest time, but being back here showed me that it wasn't your fault. But I also realized that I am not a failure. I've always thought that I was a failure compared to you. But I know that I'm not now and mom I love you alright so don't blame yourself for what I did."
Author's note: This chapter covers a lot of the more difficult stuff , and coming up next is some daughter father bonding time to make up for it.