Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin or any of its characters.
Warning:The beginning of this chapter is a bit... intense. If reading about blood and death is triggering, then you might want to skim through it. It's important to the plot for you to understand the scene, but not necessary. I might boost the rating up anyway, since it'll just be getting more dark and *ahem* sexual in the future. Well, now that I think about it, the ending scene is kind of intense, too. You've been warned.
A/N: This is going to be sort of a "Part I" kind of thing. It ends kind of abruptly but I'll continue it next chapter, which will be soon. Also, I have no idea about the map of the walls or anything like that. I know that Mikasa's old home was in Wall Maria in the farmland, but that's it. I've read the manga and watched the anime, but most of the details will be coming from my imagination. And speaking of details, please go back and read the first three chapters if you've read them before 4/03 because I added some crucial details. I put a note at the beginning of each chapter, which basically said the same thing each time, but things will make more sense if you go back.
Also, I don't know if any of you are wondering about how this AU is set up. If you are, the year is 855 and the titans haven't breached the wall. I clarified Mikasa and Levi's ages in a previous author's note, but I've decided to make Levi the same age as Flynn Rider, which is twenty-six. Levi never met Erwin nor did he join the Survey Corps. Mikasa's parents were murdered, just like in the manga/anime, but not by kidnappers. Obviously, Eren didn't save her but a titan did in her place. If you guys have any questions, I would be more than happy to answer them.
Finally, don't you just love the new cover? It's so perfect! I really wish I knew who made it. I got it off weheartit or one of those reposting websites, so I would really love if I could find out who made it so I can credit them! And thanks for all the reviews, you guys! Keep leaving more!
This chapter was inspired by Return to Mother, another song from the Tangled soundtrack. You can just assume that this whole thing is going to be inspired by the soundtrack, unless I run out of songs.
iv: darling, i'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream
Mikasa had been in this forest before.
She hadn't the slightest idea how she knew that, but it would give off the same eerie feeling. After all, it was always the same dream. Maybe the paths would be different or the plants lining the dirt road would be of different assortments, but she knew that it was the same.
This particular version of her dream, however, was incredibly foggy and had just finished raining. Her bare feet were surely covered in mud by now as she stumbled across the dirty path. She knew that she was getting close to the end because she spotted the same three trees that would await her at the halfway point. At the end, there would be an odd house that resembled that of her parents' home in the farmlands of Wall Maria. If only I could turn around, she thought.
It was almost like it was a lucid dream of some sort. She was aware that she was asleep at this very moment and that she could simply wake up. In leaving the tower, she'd hoped that all the bad dreams and memories would stay behind as well. But as she saw a light coming from behind a thicket of branches ahead of her, she realized that she'd never be free of her parents' murder. She'd always be reminded that she'd never see them again, that things wouldn't get better – only worse.
As she continued to feel around through the darkness, she wondered if her subconscious was trying to tell her something. Dreams always had a meaning, after all. Though, she wasn't sure that she actually wanted to know what it meant. That – no matter what – everything she does will ultimately end the same way? That history will always repeat itself, no matter how different things seem to be? In all the suffering she'd endured, she refused to give in to that darker side of her.
The trees were beginning to close in on her as the path narrowed, giving off a sense of dizziness as she struggled to continue. She'd stumbled many times already, cutting herself on some tree branches and bruising her big toe on some rocks, but she kept going. If she stopped now, then it would never end. Her bare feet felt like they were inflamed but as she pushed another branch out of the way, cutting herself on another place on her skin, she was rewarded with the sight of a familiar house.
The door was wide open, which wasn't a good sign. Glancing behind her, she realized with horror that the path had disappeared completely. If she went back – and she doubted that she could – what would happen? Still, the thought of going inside was far more terrifying than the unknown.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to calm her nerves as she made her way towards the gloomy house. It was the same path that she'd take with her parents all those years ago. Her father had been in the process of teaching her how to hunt for deer and turkey. Her mother would come along, but only to watch. This time, though, she was taking the path alone.
As her heels dug further and further into the muddy path, she saw more details of the house. Modeled more so like a cabin, various plants were strewed across the yard for farming and a few pens around the back for farm animals. It began to rain again as she continued to stumble through the mud. At the feeling of her dirty feet, she wondered if she should clean herself before inevitably walking into the house. Her mother always worked so hard to keep the house clean. Even in death, she would appreciate it.
With that thought, she steered off the path and dragged her feet through the wet grass. As she forced herself to walk up the steps, clinging to the railing as to not slip and fall, she hesitated for a moment before gripping the doorway to peer inside.
Immediately, the smell engulfed her and she nearly fainted at the sight of her parents' bodies. But what had she expected to see? Her mother to scold her for being late for dinner? Her father to welcome her home with a kiss? As her eyes scanned the rest of the house, she found her eyes looking down at her feet. They were still coated with mud, even after dragging them through the grass, and blood was traveling towards them from a large puddle.
It was the same in every dream, she realized. Sometimes, she would use the water pail from the well behind the house to not just clean her feet, but every part of body that was open to the night sky. Other times, she would allow the rain dripping on each individual piece of grass to clean off the majority of dirt and grime that had caked on her feet. Every single time, though, her feet would always be dirty by the time she walked into the house, almost as if she'd never cleaned them at all.
Maybe that was part of the dream? To have dirty feet when entering the house? Maybe that was something else her subconscious was trying to tell her. To stop trying and give up. To do things carelessly, even if others wouldn't appreciate it. To stop indefinitely.
She watched as a tear fell and landed on her foot. The single drop was enough to cleanse a part of her big toe, but only for a moment. The blood would come back full force in only a few seconds, oozing across her foot like some sort of disease to coat a second layer.
Her parents had to have been dead for hours, yet the blood was still in locomotion. Actually, it was the only thing in the entire house that was moving or appeared to hold any life at all, including herself. No, she was not alive, but simply an observer. Her nine-year-old self that had actually been there was long gone, running away from danger like a coward instead of standing to fight.
As the blood traveled past her feet and onto the front steps, she wondered whose blood it was in the first place. Was it her mother's? Her mother probably spilled more blood after having her head split open. Maybe her father's? He'd simply been stabbed until he bled out or his internal organs stopped functioning. If it was the latter, which organ gave out first?
She didn't know.
That's what she wanted to scream – that she didn't know, to tell whoever was doing this to stop. She didn't know anything and she didn't want to. Knowing wouldn't help. Nothing would help, she thought as she collapsed onto her knees and allowed the blood to stain her white dress.
Her father was sitting against a wall, his head at an uncomfortable angle. His shirt was stained with blood but he hadn't lost nearly as much blood as her mother, who was lying in a larger pool of blood than when she'd first walked in. As she raised her hand to stop the tears, she noticed she was shaking, shaking so hard that she was sure she'd collapse soon. Her knees had, so maybe this was what her father felt when he'd first been stabbed. Every part of his body shutting down, but not at the same time. The smell of copper was getting to her, time was frozen as she fell forward and allowed the blood to suffocate her and engulf her completely.
I'm a coward, she thought before the blood swallowed her whole.
Levi thought of the black-headed girl currently snuggling into his chest, her breaths skating across his thin shirt and wondering to himself if she ever had nightmares. He didn't know how much time had passed since she fell asleep, but it couldn't have been more than a few hours.
Did she even know what a nightmare was? A nightmare was waiting for the only relative that you knew alive to bring you food, otherwise you'd starve. A nightmare was watching someone that you knew die from either sunlight deprivation or random assault from some thugs. This girl... she couldn't possibly know anything about what it means to suffer, to have nightmares – and she never would. Her fucking grandfather – who she's apparently never met – was going to great lengths to bring her home.
At that thought, Levi wondered about her parents – and his own. His mother had been a prostitute and the only reason he was brought into existence in the first place was because his father wanted a good fuck. Hell, he didn't even know his name. Were her parents dead like his? And did the titan have anything to do with that? Her parents could've been eaten by it and now it was using loaves of bread to fatten her up to the appropriate size. Actually, the more likely scenario would be that the titan had attempted to eat her but then she miraculously survived after being shit out and it decided to keep her as some sort of pet. That was way more fucked up, he realized.
Why did he care, though? No, he didn't care. As a human being, it was natural to be curious about others and that's all it was – curiosity. Still, he was supposed to be listening for titans and observe if they were active at night, not allow his mind to take a fucking vacation across the country. He'd heard nothing from the titans' end, though. Then he remembered that there weren't any titans around in the first place, even when it was still light out. What would he do if he heard one anyway? He couldn't even see his own hand as it stretched in front of him. They'd just have to wait for him to carve into their necks like fucking pumpkins. At that thought, Mikasa flashed into his mind again.
"I always thought that people were worse than titans anyway."
Her expression at that would be forever engraved into his mind. She'd tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear and her eyes had been cast downwards, so devoid of emotion. At the back of his mind, he knew she had a good reason for saying so.
He didn't want to say it, but he agreed with her. Titans were predictable, while humans were not. A titan's only purpose was to devour every human it could get its hands on. Humans, on the other hand, would go against their own kind in the blink of an eye. And for what? Money or power? The only reason humans desire such things in the first place is to get the edge on other humans.
What shitty logic.
As he continued to lose himself in his own thoughts, he glanced down at the sleeping girl again, even though he could barely make out any of her features. Maybe it was ignorant of him to assume she'd never suffered. He didn't know why but he wanted to know what had transpired for her to become locked in a tower under a colossal titan's fist.
The sun began to rise at that moment and he took that as a chance to memorize everything – from her softened features to that single strand of ebony hair hanging between her eyebrows. Her toes were sticking out from under her dress, other strands of her hair falling into her lap as she squirmed around, and her eyes were furrowed in an unguarded expression. At that last detail, he watched as a single tear rolled down her cheek and onto his shirt.
Suddenly, her eyes snapped open. Just like a harpoon, her eyes had the ability to take hold of anything – or anyone – and hold them there. Her back slammed into the tree trunk as she glanced at him, to the scenery around them, and then back at him, almost as if she'd forgotten where she was.
As her hands gripped at the branch and tree trunk to steady herself, he quickly focused his attention somewhere else. At that, he admired the view that the branch gave them, staring at the bloody grass below and the titans' corpses gone completely. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched her touch at that single tear and then scrub fiercely at it with her knuckles.
At her reaction, he knew that she'd be more troubled by him witnessing that single tear. Though, he wasn't sure why he cared about what she wanted.
"Great, you're finally up," he drawled. "The titans are going to be rising soon, so keep your guard up. I need to fucking sleep. Yell if you're being eaten."
He didn't look at her as he said this, but took her silence as confirmation. And with that, he settled his head as comfortable as he could into the tree trunk and crossed his arms. Maybe in his sleep he'd have enough nightmares for the both of them. Though, he had a feeling it was the other way around.
All Mikasa could do was gape at him as he settled into the bark, crossing his arms and closing his eyes. As usual, she had no idea how to act towards him. Her eyes zoned in on the dark circles under his eyes, though, and she allowed him to have this moment without rebuttal. How long had she been asleep in the first place? For a moment, she felt slightly bad about making him keep watch all night, but then remembered his personality and decided that it was a waste of her emotions.
"Yell if you're being eaten."
At that, her eyes narrowed into slits and she observed his sleeping form, hoping that the branch would break out from under him. As she looked away and squinted into the distance, though, there didn't seem to be any titans around at all – not even miles away. Is that why he was so calm? No, she realized. He'd always been like this, even from the first moment they met.
A snore erupted from him in that moment and she dragged her eyes back to his face. How did he fall asleep so fast? His arms had uncrossed in the transition and his expression was somewhat vulnerable. She didn't like him – no, she had never disliked a person so much in her life – but there were always questions lingering around him. As she watched his small, button nose breathe in and out, she realized that his harsh personality was some sort of defense mechanism. His brows evened out at that, but his lips remained a thin line.
It was at that that her thoughts drifted back to the tower and her captor. The titan was mysterious, but it'd been like no titan she'd ever seen. It was large, but if titans had beating hearts, she guessed that its heart was the biggest. Levi had mentioned more than once about his distaste for the titans – and maybe she agreed – but they'd never shown her harm. Her tower had remained safe because of the titans below and she'd remained safe because of the colossal titan that would bring her food and company. Sometimes, it'd simply drop off food and be gone within a flash. Other times, it'd stay behind and grunt at her – which she figured was its own way of making conversation. She hadn't the slightest idea what it was trying to say, but now that she was free of the tower, she felt somewhat sad at the thought of it returning to an empty tower. The last thing on the titan's mind was to harm her – surely. Still, she felt somewhat anxious at the thought of it chasing after her.
At that, she realized that she wasn't afraid for herself, but for Levi. She'd seen the way he was with his maneuver gear and how quickly he could slaughter an entire band of titans. Still, one of the titans had easily grabbed him and nearly crushed him – if not for her help. After all, even the greatest soldiers weren't enough to withstand certain titan attacks. She'd have to find some way to assist him – just like she'd done with the frying pan and clay pots. If she simply watched from the sidelines as he was injured or eaten, she would regret that for the rest of her life. It wasn't like he'd forced her to leave the tower anyway. No, she made that decision on her own – even if he'd helped her consider it. He was an insufferable, short man but that didn't mean he deserved to die.
Out of the corner of her eye, the belt strapped around his waist began to reflect the sunlight. If she could learn how to use that – which she was more than capable – than the likelihood of him surviving was higher. There would definitely be more to mastering the equipment than meets the eye, but she was strong, more than strong. Levi probably saw her as nothing but a package to deliver, but she could manage as long as she had the right equipment and training. Although, her hair would definitely be a problem. Still, she'd figure it out somehow. She refused to be a burden a second time.
With that, she quietly stood up and walked along the branch, then plopping herself down at the end to watch the sun rise. It was the same as when she was in the tower, she realized. The sun was never something that she could truly appreciate, no matter where she was. It would always be out of her reach. But as she swung her legs and they dangled over the end of the branch, she realized that she was closer to that bright light coming from the horizon than she'd ever been.
Levi woke up to the sound of chewing.
As he squinted at the blaring sun that was definitely not that fucking bright several hours ago, he tilted his head to look at Mikasa. She was perched like some sort of bird with her legs tucked underneath her as she chewed a loaf of bread in small bites, pieces of it falling into her lap, onto the tree branch, and onto the ground. His eyes narrowed. Not at the brightness of the sun, but at the thought of her eating something that was in a titan's mouth.
Her eyes met his after a minute of chewing and swallowing, and she stopped, taking note of his disgusted expression. Levi blinked at her in response. However, she took his naturally lidded eyes and parted lips as him being hungry. With an innocent expression, she offered him half of the loaf.
To her, it was a normal loaf of bread. To him, it was a loaf of bread crawling with bugs, grime, and other disgusting things. He could imagine a worm slithering out of it as she held the loaf to him.
"Don't you remember where that's been?" he asked in a sharp tone, crossing his arms.
She finished chewing and swallowing, then brought the loaf back to her mouth, taking a big bite while her once innocent expression transformed into that of an irritated one. He could only watch in disgust as he turned to look at her. The amount of germs that could possibly be in that one, single loaf was flabbergasting to him. He was hungry but not that hungry. In fact, he could admit to himself that he'd rather starve. It seemed to him, though, that she was only continuing to eat it to gross him out – and it was working.
"Disgusting woman," he muttered to himself, glancing away from her and at the sun once again. How could something be so beautiful and so annoying at the same time? He was talking about the sun, by the way.
He cracked his neck, placing his hands on his knees to sit up and stretch more of his limbs. Before he could, though, the girl in question shoved a loaf into his mouth when he yawned.
You could say that she was simply being nice by giving him some of her food... or you could say that she was being a pain in his ass. All he could do was hold it in his mouth, allowing it to go no further, and turned to glare at her. Really? Her expression was similar, but there was a twinkle of amusement in her eyes. He spit the entire loaf into his hand, grimacing at the saliva decorating a good portion of it, and chucking it without a single care – perhaps it would become a worm's new home.
"We need to ride to the wall," he said, finally standing up.
She nodded, the loaf incident forgotten as she stood up and smoothed out her dress. He glanced at her one more time before grabbing a hold of the branch to climb down.
"Do you need my help to get down or can you manage it on your own?" he asked, hoping that she'd answer with the latter. He could still taste the salt in his mouth, after all.
"I can do it."
He paused for a moment, holding onto a firm branch and watching as she gathered the basket with one hand, placing the frying pan inside to free the other. The basket swung from the comfort of her elbow and she began to pull all the strands that'd fallen off the branch in the middle of the night into her palm. He thought that she'd simply climb down, but he was mistaken as her hair slithered down the tree like some sort of snake, and she followed suit.
His grip on the branch had loosened slightly at the sight of her, but he quickly began to climb down again as she neared the ground. It wasn't like it was that high up in the first place. They'd been on the highest branch and the average-sized titan wouldn't have been able to reach them. Climbing down would've been easy enough but apparently she was in some kind of hurry.
Show off.
"You in a hurry or something, brat?" he shouted down to her, continuing to climb down carefully. As he did, he took notice of a bird's nest situated on one of the branches. The babies were lively and chirping as they awaited their mother's return. It reminded him that not all life had been destroyed by the titans – that other life was still thriving.
Mikasa didn't respond, but he hadn't expected her to. As he glanced down at her, he noticed that she was picking out leaves and twigs, combing through her knotted hair with her fingers. He wondered how often she brushed her hair in that tower and how long it took. The moment he'd met her, her hair was so shiny and smooth; it probably took her hours.
As he landed beside her with a thud, she didn't move a muscle and he wondered why she was so quiet. He didn't dwell on that long, though, as the horse made enough noise for the both of them. Mikasa dropped the strand of hair that she'd been picking at and immediately went to soothe the horse, causing it to somewhat calm down. As he glanced around at the scenery, he noticed a loaf of bread that a trail of ants were picking apart and taking to a nearby anthill.
"The wall shouldn't be more than a few miles. If we see any titans, I'll take care of it," he said.
This was the first time in a long time that he had no fucking clue what he was doing. With no gas, he hadn't the slightest idea how he would take on a titan, let alone more than one. Not only that, but every soldier in Wall Maria would recognize his face and arrest him on sight. They wouldn't recognize her but there'd be no point taking her anywhere if he got arrested. And simply scaling the wall wasn't an option either, leading back to his empty gas tank. But what else was he supposed to do? Hold hands and sing kumbaya? He'd figure out something, even if it killed him.
The horse, fortunately enough, still had a saddle attached to its back. Still, he wasn't sure how pleased the horse would be to have him riding on him for a few hours. Levi used the distraction of Mikasa coddling it to hoist himself onto the saddle, swinging his legs over each side. The horse immediately began to protest, but Mikasa scratched at its chin to calm it down. He glanced at her, nodding his thanks, then gestured for her to do the same.
"We don't have all day," he drawled after she hesitated.
As if feeling his eyes on her, she slowly walked towards the saddle, then tried to hoist pull herself up behind him. After she struggled for a few seconds, he rolled his eyes at her incompetence, forcefully grabbing her hand to pull her up. She landed directly behind him on the saddle, then situated herself more comfortably. As he gripped the reigns, he nudged the horse to take off and surprisingly, it obeyed him without a single shout of refusal.
"Put your hands around my waist," he ordered over his shoulder, glancing at her for a moment. When she didn't do anything right away, he grabbed her hand again and held it over his stomach. Slowly, her other hand followed suit and he took hold of the reigns again. "You'll fall on your ass otherwise."
"I'm not a child," she muttered as she settled her face into his back and tightened her hold around his stomach. He didn't even have to look at her to know that she was pouting.
"No? Then start acting like it."
He didn't know what crawled up her ass, but he was getting sick of it. At least yesterday she was somewhat tolerable. How old was she anyway? With the way she was acting, he'd assume she was twelve years old. Still, he could make some deductions about her age from when the photograph was taken and came to the conclusion that she had to be older than sixteen. The old man said she was around five in the photograph, then kidnapped a few years later. He couldn't decide if she was lucky or unlucky to have been kidnapped by a titan instead of a human, though.
He was pulled out of his thoughts as it began to softly rain. As he looked to the sky, he noticed that it was taking on a somewhat foggy appearance and the clouds definitely hadn't been so stormy an hour ago. In fact, the weather had been promising.
As puddles of rain began to develop across the country, he realized that it was dangerous weather for them. He could barely see ten feet ahead of him and if there were titans around, they'd make a decent meal. The forest would shield them for a few moments but after emerging, it'd be especially dangerous. Mikasa began to shiver from behind him, taking a hand away from his stomach to readjust her sweater. There was a chance that there'd be no titans in sight, just like when the military police had been chasing him. Do I want to take that chance, though? Mikasa didn't have a weapon and he didn't exactly feel confident that she could defend herself if she did.
He squinted through the fog and managed to locate a deserted village. The horse must've taken a detour or something because he didn't remember coming across it before. Pulling back at the reigns, the horse slowly came to a stop, just in time to hear a scream.
"No! Please!"
Mikasa had heard it too, as she tensed from behind him, then peeked over his shoulder at the gruesome scene before them. The fog began to somewhat clear but the rain fell down on them harder. It seemed to be a village that had long been abandoned, most likely because of the titans. There was blood everywhere but it wasn't fresh. The events that had transpired must've been at least a day ago. In the distance, he could make out the form of a titan and he knew that it couldn't be good. He glanced over his shoulder at Mikasa, almost wanting to shield her from the sight.
"Did a titan do all this?"
"Looks like it," he said in response, jumping off the horse. Nothing good could come from drawing closer, but he couldn't seem to stop himself as his boots sunk into puddles of mud, nearly tripping as his feet encountered an arm that'd been separated from its body.
The color of its sleeve was the same color as a soldier's uniform from the Survey Corps. At that thought, he realized this was why there had been so few soldiers to return when he'd all but raced out the gate. It was only a few seconds, but he had noticed their numbers were fewer. That hadn't affected him personally, though, and he hadn't thought about it too much. Still, as he encountered more separated limbs, he almost felt sick at the sight.
His head turned at the sound of footsteps behind him. He knew it was Mikasa by the sound of her feet making contact with the mud. A person wearing shoes would've made a completely different sound. At the thought of her muddy feet, it crossed his mind that her hair was probably in worse shape.
"You should've stayed on the horse," he said, turning back to look at the bloody scene. He kicked an arm out of the way in disgust, but also out of pity.
She said nothing in response but after hearing another scream from the nearby soldier, he cautiously took a step back. They couldn't be around when the titan finished its meal, he realized. He could barely see anything with the fog and rain, yet they were walking around a deserted village littered with body parts. A titan was the only thing that could've slaughtered an entire squad – or two – of soldiers. The likelihood of that very titan still lingering around was high and at that, he realized that it was still around. It'd been that very titan he spotted in the distance, though its silhouette was faint.
A pain shot through his leg as he continued to back up. After travelling on the horse for so long, he'd almost forgotten how bad his leg felt. As he turned around, though, he heard the sickening sound of a body being torn in half. Wherever the screams were coming from, they wouldn't continue.
At Mikasa standing at his side, he immediately grabbed for her arm and began to lead them away from the scene with hurried steps. Without any gas in his tank and an injured leg, there was no way that he could defend her if they were discovered.
"Mikasa."
It'd been the first time he'd said her name, but the situation had called for it. At that, footsteps began to shake the ground from under them and he began to shove at her back, urging her to run as fast as she could to the horse.
"Run, dammit!"
A/N: I originally didn't want it to end here but it was going to get way too long if I continued. And I'll admit, I got inspiration for the ending scene from A Choice with No Regrets Part II. The atmosphere reminded me of Mikasa's dream, but there will be some features that will stand out next chapter, which I'm excited for. I think it'll be the defining moment of their relationship. Also, I'm sorry I took so long to finish this chapter! As I said before, I've been editing the previous chapters, so maybe that was just an excuse for being in a rut. I'll have the next chapter up soon, though! Leave reviews to let me know what you think and thanks for all the follows!