Chapter Three: The Calm
A/N: I know this chapter is a little slow, just bear with me. I needed this one to prepare for the next few chapters. Just a heads up: I wrote the majority of this on my phone, so if there are any egregious errors, please let me know! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
Eve was steaming on the entire walk back to the little bar where everyone else was waiting. Erwin did not try to speak to her, just let her lag behind and take her anger out on the sidewalk beneath her feet. She cursed everything she could think of: Pixis, the entire military, those Wallist assholes, the Titans, the Walls, herself… She flexed the hand she'd punched the wall with, causing fresh bits of blood to squeeze between the cracks in her skin. The pain was enough to keep her in control of her anger.
When they arrived at the bar, she deliberately ignored everyone and sat down at the little bar alone next to the wall. The desire to leave them all and escape back into the chaos that was the world outside of Wall Rose was strong. The only thing keeping her rooted to her seat was the very real possibility that her people would be banished should she attempt something so brash. Her pride had been wounded, and she was given almost no time to nurse it back to health.
"Eve?" Her eyes were narrowed and dark when she turned her head to look over her left shoulder at Armin. He had a small, nervous smile on his face.
"Can we talk?" she hissed under her breath. The smile slipped from his face and he nodded once, suddenly solemn. She stood up abruptly, the barstool scraping against the wooden floor slightly. He followed close when she headed outside. Wrapping her arms around herself in a poor attempt to keep the biting wind from slicing through the thin shirt she wore, she looked around for somewhere they might have a conversation without being overheard. She studied their surroundings, noting a small alley between the wide bar and another building she assumed was a small shop of some kind. She headed for the dark, narrow space and smirked.
There was a large wooden box pressed up against the bar. With the low roof on this side of the building, she was certain she could climb on the box and pull herself up to sit in relative peace. There were no windows on that side of the second and third floors, so being overheard was a limited concern. Her goal in mind, she slipped into the alley and clambered up on the large wooden box. When she glanced over her shoulder for Armin, he was staring up at her, confused. She said nothing, just made her way over to the roof and latched on to the ledge.
Lifting herself up, even from chest-level, was far harder than she expected it to be. She cursed herself. Back in the village, she'd been able to climb trees with branches higher than this with ease- even with three broken ribs. She flinched hard when Armin's hands grasped at her waist and shoved her up high enough for her to climb the rest of the way on her own. He waited until she was settled on the ledge of the roof before climbing up himself with ease.
"What's wrong?" Armin asked. She frowned. Even now, he just looked grateful- like the fact that she was speaking to him again was the best thing in the world.
"You lied to me, Armin," she accused. He frowned and looked down at his hands, his hair falling in her face. She sighed. "However, I trust you more than anyone else here. Commander Pixis told me that I was responsible for keeping my people safe behind the Wall. My actions will determine whether or not they, and I, are allowed to stay."
Armin looked over at her, a small sad frown pulling at the corners of his lips. "That's… I'm sorry, Eve."
She gave him a heavy sigh and pulled her arms tighter around herself. The bitter wind cut through her thin clothes, chilling her down to her very bones. "I wanted to leave them all behind, Armin. I was so tired of being responsible for their lives… Commander Pixis has reminded me of the total impossibility of that ideal. As of now, I'm a conditional member of the Survey Corps, similar to Eren. I will be evaluated before I'm allowed to go with you all on the next expedition. I have to prove I've been reformed into a proper soldier."
"We can all help you with that," Armin offered softly. She tilted her head to look at him thoughtfully. "You have the hard parts mastered, so it's only a matter of simple basics for the rest…" She turned her head back to look out at the dark side of the building across the alley.
"I have to prove that I'm useful," she spat, bringing her knees up to her chest. "How am I supposed to prove that, exactly?"
"We'll come up with a way," Armin said with a light shrug. "We all have our moments out there when we're securing the supply route. And you have a heads-up on most of us: you know how to get to Shingashina without all of us dying in the process. That's useful, isn't it?"
She remained silent for a moment. He was right, she supposed- at least to a point. "Alois wants to join the Survey Corps with me. He'll need to learn everything as well. Commander Pixis said that if I die, the burden of proof would fall to him. He's only nineteen… I can't let that happen. He won't be able to handle the pressure."
"Don't be so negative," Armin chided with a gentle smile. "We will figure something out. You're freezing… Let's go in. I know you must be hungry, too." She nodded and uncurled her limbs. Just before Armin hopped down, she stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.
"Do me a favor?" She stared into his big blue eyes, searching for any sign of a lie.
"What?" The burning curiosity showed up once more. It almost softened her gaze, but she was resolute.
"Don't lie to me again." He opened his mouth as if he were going to protest, but she shook her head before any words came out and he shut it once more. "I'm serious, Armin. No matter what it is, no matter how much trouble you think you'll get in- do not lie to me."
"Eve…" He was still trying to say no.
She sighed. The last thing she'd wanted to do was threaten him. "Believe me, Armin, when I tell you that you won't like me if I find out you've lied to me again. I'm not the nice person you seem to believe that I am." That burning curiosity in his eyes intensified, hiding a layer of pain. She let him go. Pinpricks of old memories were trying to force their way into her mind. She stared down at the wooden box below, redoubling her efforts to keep the memories at bay.
"Okay." She looked back up at him and found him resigned and almost depressed- shoulders slumped down and hair hiding his eyes. "I promise. I won't lie to you again."
"Thank you." She hopped down onto the wooden box, then onto the cobbled ground of the alley. "Now… how do I go about getting food here?"
Armin landed on the ground beside her and gave her a weak smile. She could see that the promise she'd just forced him into was weighing him down. Despite that, she felt reassured. She couldn't have him spying on her any longer and reporting back to Commander Erwin or anyone else. Secrets were bound to come to light when she went to visit her people- she needed to know what Armin was planning on telling the others to have suitable explanations ready. Some things could not be explained away with a few words…
"Come inside." She followed him around to the front of the building. Captain Levi, dressed in street clothes with a dark cloak, was approaching on the dark street. He adjusted his gait last-minute, but she'd seen the limp. Her eyes narrowed at him. "Captain?" Armin gave a quick salute, but Levi dismissed him with a quick wave of his hand. He tossed the curtain to the side as he slipped into the bar. Eve and Armin entered just behind him, but all the saw was his black cloak vanishing up the small staircase behind the bar.
"Have a nice chat?" Erwin asked, drifting by them on his way up the stairs after Levi. Eve did not respond, only watched him mount the stairs. She cursed under her breath, but decided that it didn't matter what he'd heard. He had to expect something like that from her, right?
Armin led her to a seat at the bar and she sat down on a stool beside him. The large woman behind the counter waddled their way, a glass and rag in hand. "What'cha need?"
"Something to eat?" Eve asked. The woman sort of chuckled at her.
"What'cha want, dearie?" She grabbed a bottle from a shelf under the bar and poured the water from it into the glass in her hand. She sat it before Eve and she guzzled the entire thing, earning another chuckle. The woman refilled the glass, but left remainder on the counter in front of Eve.
"Something hot," Eve breathed. She forced herself to drink the second glass slowly. "I don't…"
"Just bring her that stew you had earlier if there's any left," Armin spoke up for her. She threw him a grateful look. The large, matronly woman nodded and headed over to the massive fireplace tucked into the corner. Eve frowned into the glass in her hands. The realization that she didn't even know how to live behind Wall Rose struck her with a deep pain in her chest. Even before the fall, her interactions with others had been limited to the few small villages around her family's farm. She had a vague impression of money and how it worked, but it had never been a major concern of hers. Anything she'd ever needed had been provided for her, or she'd just gone and taken it from some abandoned place.
"Becoming a soldier isn't the only thing I need to learn how to do," she admitted dryly.
"You'll get the hang of things," Armin said with a small smile. She wondered internally if he was glad that she now had to rely on him. She'd be lost in this capitalist world without a guide to show her around. "It's not so difficult…"
"Armin… I was fifteen when the Wall fell. I'd never been to an actual city until we started going out for supplies for the village." Eve could smell something wonderful coming from a steaming bowl the woman behind the bar was walking over to her. She sat it down before Eve, found her a spoon, then grabbed two large loaves of hard bread and placed them on a plate by the bowl. Eve ripped a piece of the bread off first and dipped it into the thick stew. She bit off a piece and almost melted right off of her bar stool. It was delicious- fatty chunks of beef, chopped carrots, onions, potatoes, mushrooms, and little green peas all floated in the hearty liquid. Eve ate another few bites of the bread soaked in the stew before picking up her spoon. She forced herself to eat it slowly so she didn't overfill her stomach as she had earlier.
"Meat is a rare treat for us," Armin told her softly. "Enjoy it while you can." She nodded once, then looked over at him thoughtfully.
"What about when you're outside of Wall Rose?" she asked. "Doesn't anyone hunt?" Armin shook his head.
"I think Sasha's the only one who came from a hunting village," he said with a shrug, "but she's never said anything about hunting for us."
"I guess it is hard to get enough meat for everyone in one trip," Eve muttered. "I'll have to talk to her about it for the next expedition… Between Rosa and Klaus, I learned quite a bit. I can't compare to them, but I can kill my own dinner if necessary."
"That's useful," Armin remarked with a small smile. Eve rolled her eyes and continued to eat. When she couldn't eat anymore, she left the spoon in the bowl, but wouldn't let the woman behind the bar take it.
"Commander Erwin said my possessions were with my people..." Eve trailed off, thinking of her small bag of clothes and the thin, pale gray quilt she'd brought with her. Her drawings had all been stuffed into her bag as well. Those were now her only reminder of home. When would she be able to get those things?
"We found a uniform for you before we left," Armin mentioned. "Though I don't think anyone thought about anything else you'd need." He looked over at her sheepishly. "It's really too late to take care of that now. I don't really know what we can do."
"Don't worry about it." Eve shrugged and picked at the loaf of bread, nibbling at the crust. "I can just sleep in this shirt. It's certainly long enough." Armin chuckled and nodded in agreement. "Are we going to see my people before we go to headquarters?"
"You'll have to ask Commander Erwin about that," Armin stated. "I think it's on the way, though, so maybe we can."
"Well, if Alois is to join as well, we will need to collect him." Armin nodded. "And I can get my clothes and check on Leonardo. I'm sure Mina is taking care of him, but I worry..."
"We will get a few days of downtime before we go back out again," he said. "You could spend that time with your people." Eve nodded once.
"I don't want to waste this but I can't eat anymore," Eve admitted, gesturing to her bowl.
"Hey Sasha!" Armin called, waving the bright young woman over to the bar. She came bouncing around the tables and stopped short just a few centimeters away. "Do you want the rest of Eve's food?"
"Yes!" she exclaimed, a bit of drool already forming at the corner of her mouth. Eve surrendered the bowl. She thought Sasha was going to choke from how fast she was scarfing it down. Armin chuckled and leaned close to Eve.
"Her nickname used to be Potato Girl," he whispered. "Remind me to tell you the story sometime." Eve looked at him with one eyebrow cocked, but nodded her agreement. Sasha passed the now-empty bowl back to Eve, then gave her a large grin.
"Thank you!" Sasha plopped down on the empty stool next to Eve. "Did I hear you say something about hunting?" Eve nodded with a light shrug. "I never thought about hunting on the other side of the Wall before. We should ask about that on the next expedition!"
"Would certainly make for a better dinner than what we usually get." Eve looked over shoulder at Jean. "Just a heads up- Sasha snores."
"So do you!" Sasha shot back. "You're louder than I am!"
"The only thing louder than you is a train," Jean remarked casually. "Right, Armin?" The blond on Eve's right held up his hands defensively with a nervous grin. "Come on! Back me up!"
"Armin isn't the type to tell outright lies," Sasha countered with a triumphant grin. Eve chuckled. Jean and Sasha continued their back-and-forth, each trying to get Armin to decide who snores louder. Eve laughed lightly.
Was this what it was like to live without the constant fear that a Titan could destroy your home and everyone you loved in a single moment? She found herself longing to feel the sense of ease they had, but every time she tried to relax, an unfamiliar sound from outside or a shout from one of the soldiers behind her would make her tense up once more. She yawned first, and found it humorous that Armin, then Sasha, and finally Jean all mimicked the action within a few seconds of the one before. Maybe, she thought, she could learn to live again- not just survive.
Eve learned a while later from Armin, after her yawning continued at regular intervals, that they would be sleeping in the rooms above the bar that doubled as an inn. Normally, they would have just borrowed a few rooms at the Garrison's barracks, but with the recent influx of freshly-graduated trainees, they didn't have the room available. The Military Police had downright refused them even two rooms- an expected reaction. The rooms in the inn were small, but most contained two beds. Eve would be sharing with Sasha. Sasha showed her the way to the fourth floor and the third door on the right.
The two beds were shoved against opposite walls- one beside the door, the other by a window. Eve found her new uniform on the bed by the door. She held it up to gaze at it. The supple leather jacket was brand new. Before she even slid it over her arms and let it rest on her shoulders, she knew it would be too big. It didn't fit like Sasha's or Mikasa's- theirs were snug while hers hung loosely. She frowned and wondered how large the rest of the uniform was going to be on her. She sighed and shrugged off the jacket before folding it and moving the entire pile that was her new uniform to the little dresser that sat beside her bed.
Sasha traipsed over to her own bed and flopped down before pulling her boots off. Eve followed suit, but began undoing all of the buckles. She noticed a tinge of pain her left side as she bent down to start on the buckles, but paid it little mind. There were bound to still be pains after breaking three ribs...
"You'll have to have new boots, too," Sasha remarked as she stood. She left her own pair at the foot of her bed and picked up the small leather satchel that sat beside them. Pulling out a soft pink night shirt, she continued, "Maybe the man who fits everyone can come out to headquarters." Eve shrugged and pulled off her first boot, then started on the second. She was focused on her boots as she heard the rustling of Sasha's clothes while she changed. Eve frowned to herself.
"This uniform is going to be too big." Eve looked back up just as Sasha pulled the shirt down over her head. Eve couldn't help but notice how muscular she was, and frowned. She pulled off her boot and picked then both up to toss them at the foot of her bed. "Is there anyone who can tailor it for me?"
Sasha shrugged. "Krista is good at patching holes and replacing buttons. Maybe she can help." Eve nodded and vowed to keep that in mind. She sighed and stood, unbuckling the belt at her waist. The pants were so loose, they almost fell off as soon as she did so. She pulled back the blankets and sat down to take off her socks. "You don't have anything to sleep in?" Eve looked down at the yellow shirt that fell almost to her knees.
"No, but this is fine for tonight. I'm hoping we can stop by my village on the way to headquarters tomorrow to get my things. One of my people is planning on joining the Survey Corps as well, so he will need to come with us..."
"I have an extra if you want it," Sasha said with a grin. "I have nightmares sometimes. I wake up soaked in sweat, so I make sure I always have something to change into." Eve frowned. She knew all too well what that was like...
"I think I'll be okay." She was reluctant to change in front of Sasha. What would the girl say when she saw how thin Eve was compared to her?
"Catch!" Sasha tossed the spare gown across the room. Eve caught it easily. The fabric was the same pale blue that Susanne's dresses were. It made her ache for the woman, and for Doc. How was he holding up after losing his wife of over 50 years? She didn't imagine that it was easy for him. With a resigned sigh, Eve stood and pulled the yellow shirt up over her head. She heard Sasha's light gasp and flushed pink. "You're so thin... I can see your ribs." Eve frowned and grabbed the blue gown. She was dressed again as quickly as she could be. She felt more embarrassed at having Sasha see her now than she had when Armin had helped her change so long ago. At that time, she'd felt confident that the massive bruise had been more of a distraction than the sight of her ribs.
"I was in that coma for three weeks," Eve mumbled, scrambling for an explanation. She didn't want to admit that she had spent almost a year eating as little as absolutely possible so that she could give more to Annalise even before there was an infant growing inside of her. She thought of Leonardo. At least he had been born strong and hearty, despite the early and messy birth. Images of Annalise bloody and cut open came to mind. She shoved those thoughts away and looked back over at Sasha.
"No wonder your uniform doesn't fit!" Sasha turned and grabbed her pillow. "Don't worry, you'll get enough to eat now. We might not get meat very often, but we eat well enough." Eve didn't respond, just copied Sasha as she fluffed her pillow. It wasn't that she couldn't have had enough to eat back in her village, but during the winter months, it was especially hard to feed everyone, and Annalise eating had been more important. She stood and moved across the smooth wood floors to turn off the gas lamp. With the room swathed in darkness, Eve climbed back into bed and pulled the heavy quilt up to her chin as she curled up on her side, facing the wall.
Somehow, even after being asleep for three weeks straight, she was still tired. Her dreams were dark swirls of uncertainty, but at last, there were no images of dying women and children and monstrous Titans eating her friends whole. She did not wake every few hours drenched in sweat, heart racing, and paranoid. It took Sasha shaking her shoulder for a long moment to get her up and moving the next morning. She found the small washroom at the end of the hall and scrubbed her skin raw as fast as she could manage in the cold streams of water. Once she was dressed in the ill-fitting uniform, she joined the others downstairs for a simple breakfast of plain oatmeal.
"Good morning, Eve," Armin greeted. She nodded at him before settling down on the bench with the warm bowl in her hands. "Did you sleep well?"
She nodded, but began to shovel her food into her mouth. When she'd woken up, she been starving. Pains were shooting through her midsection all morning because of how hungry she was. The others seemed to find her eating strangely funny, yet they did not laugh- only eyed her with mild pity in their expressions. She did her best to ignore them, but was pleased she didn't have to try for long. Upon Erwin's appearance, he announced that everyone had exactly five minutes to be ready to leave.
Eve smirked over at Sasha. They remained seated while those around them scrambled to finish eating and run to get their belongings. Sasha had already gathered their things in her satchel and the long strap crossed her chest from where the bag rested on her hip. They ate what they had left, then headed outside to wait for the others.
A/N: Well, let me know what y'all think!