Chapter Six: Shift
A/N: Sorry for the delay!
She was falling behind again. Cursing under her labored breath, she tried to push herself just a little harder, tried to run just a little faster. Armin's back continued getting farther and farther away. The physical training each morning had proven to her, in more than one way, that she was no soldier and she never would be. She lacked the strength and stamina to keep up with the others.
"You're falling behind again." Levi's cold tone came up from behind her and she rolled her eyes. He jogged beside her as if it were nothing more strenuous than a nice stroll on a warm afternoon. She hated him.
"Fuck you," she spat. Her hand was clutching the shooting pain in her left side as she continued her attempted to keep running after the others. "I was in a coma for three weeks."
"Don't give me your lame excuses," he spat. "You wanted to play soldier, now you have to own the part."
She wanted to make some snappy comeback, but she had to focus more on keeping her legs moving, despite how exhausted she already was. Alois hadn't spoken to her in days. Sasha was weirdly enjoyable to be around, but she wasn't always up for company of any sort. How she found any sense of peace in the madness that was the Survey Corps was impossible for Eve to understand. She wish she knew where to go to get away from people, but so far, she'd always been found within ten minutes. Connie could make her laugh with his stupid antics, and the fights between Jean and Eren were always a nice source of entertainment- especially once they started throwing punches. Krista was peaceful to be near, but she seemed fake to Eve, like she wasn't even a real person.
Her days of hell had begun at dawn after her first night in the castle-turned-headquarters. Sasha woke her bright and early for laundry, then they began the daily morning torture she was currently experiencing. It started with some light stretches, then evolved into more strenuous exercises, and ended with the five-kilometer run. She hadn't even made it half way through the first morning. As it was now, she doubted she could finish today, but each day she'd improved just a little along. After the run, it would be time for breakfast and then her next level of hell would begin: Bertolt was teaching her to use the rifle. She'd practice with him for a while, and then she'd go eat lunch. After lunch it was time for hand-to-hand combat with Reiner and Jean. She'd learned that Eren was supposedly the best in this area, but she wanted nothing to do with him in any shape or form. After she was thoroughly bruised and beaten, she'd spend the remainder of the afternoon with Peter, the secondary field medic, learning basic first aid (and, as he'd added with a wink, a few things extra).
Eve kept running, determined to at least finish the five kilometers today. She didn't care if she was several minutes behind the others. Finishing today would mean achieving the goal she'd set for herself. After a week of the same thing, she thought she'd be better by now. She could see the others ahead of her, most of them slowing to a walk as they finished their final lap. She was almost there... Armin had just finished, but she still had another quarter of a kilometer to go. Levi was still at her side, but if he'd been taunting her, she hadn't heard. She tuned out everything else to focus on the tree that marked her finish line.
Just a little farther, she kept telling herself. It became a sort of mantra, and she repeated it every few seconds. At last, she made it to the tree, and she almost laughed with a small bubble of triumph. It had become painfully obvious to her that she could not keep up with the others physically. Even Armin, who was supposedly the weakest of them, could at least make the run- and do it without looking as if he would collapse afterward. Eve slowed to a walk and stayed on her feet, but bent over with her hands just above her knees, panting.
"Look at that," Levi remarked, "you actually finished this time. Too bad you still took a full three minutes longer than everyone else." She didn't have any energy left to tell Levi off, so she ignored him. "Now if only you could learn to shoot and fight, you'd at least make a sorry excuse for a soldier rather than only pretending to be one." She bit down on the inside of her cheek, trying very hard to keep her thoughts to herself.
"Are you okay?" Armin asked, approaching her with a canteen. She nodded and stood up straight, getting her breathing and heart rate under control. He passed her the canteen and she accepted it with a nod of thanks. Despite her thoughts about him spying on her and reporting to Erwin about everything she said or did, she had slowly grown close to him once more. He was often there with her when she was learning how to take apart and reassemble the rifle she detested. He'd given her a few pointers and helped her remember where all the pieces went. "Well come on, let's go find Bertolt. I think we are doing moving targets today." Eve groaned a little, but nodded and passed the canteen back to him, wiping her mouth with the sleeve of her dark blue long-sleeved shirt. Since the uniform they'd given her didn't exactly fit well, she'd taken to wearing her own shirts she'd brought from the village. She needed a belt to keep the white pants up, but that was enough. The jacket was still too big, but she doubted they were made any smaller.
"Moving targets?" Levi asked, a biting sarcasm in his tone. "I didn't think she could even hit still targets yet."
"I nailed every single one yesterday," she snapped. "Not perfect, but at least I hit them. You all had what, three years to learn this crap? Cut me some slack."
"I did it in a week," Levi remarked, staring down at her as if she was lower than the ground he stood on. Her fist balled up, but she kept it by her side. The temptation to slug him one good time in the jaw was almost painful to resist. She rolled her eyes instead and began to stomp away, off to the temporary and shabby range they'd set up for her and Alois' benefit.
"You are getting a lot better," Armin said, trying to encourage her. She sighed and slowed her pace until he caught up.
"I'm not cut out for this, Armin. I'm not a soldier. You all can teach me how to be one forever and it still won't sink in." She was a little annoyed by the truth she spoke. "I don't have much choice about it, but I'd rather be out on the other side of the Wall again. At least I know I can kill Titans."
"You still haven't recovered from your coma," Armin argued. "Just because you could before doesn't mean it will come so easily to you now. I know you lost a lot of muscle tone... You know that, too. Gaining all of that back won't happen in just a week- maybe not even a month."
"Don't remind me," Eve sighed. They had reached the little picnic table where Bertolt was usually already waiting with her rifle. He hadn't arrived just yet, though, and she sat on the top of the table, facing Armin. "No matter what, though, I have to prove I can be useful. I have to at least pretend to be a soldier. If my people are turned away, forced out of Wall Rose, they will probably all kill me for dragging them out here in the first place."
"Alois is learning fast," Armin said with a shrug. "I know you haven't spoken to him, but he's really catching on to everything- except first aid. He has the basics, but I wouldn't trust him to stitch anything up."
Eve chuckled and looked up at the deep blue sky; huge, white puffy clouds were floating lazily by on the late autumn wind. "He hates me already," she sighed. "But I can't really blame him for that. It's my fault that he has to shoulder some of the responsibility for our village."
"No, it isn't," Armin said quietly. She ignored his words and closed her eyes, enjoying the rays of the sun beating down her. The sun vanished behind a cloud and she opened her eyes once more, looking back out toward the castle to see if she could spot Bertolt. He was carrying the long rifle over his shoulder and gave a friendly wave over to them. "You need to talk to Alois."
Armin's words went without response, but she had the feeling that he'd known that was coming. She returned Bertolt's wave, but did not get up. She'd wait until he was closer. If Armin hadn't been there since the second morning, she'd have gotten away with persuading Bertolt to just pretend they were working with the rifle. She'd managed that easily enough less than a half an hour into her first lesson. He had a flimsy personality- no will of his own. Whatever anyone suggested, he would just jump on the bandwagon and go along. She could see in him a certain sadness when they fell quiet, but she never asked about it. Everyone here had their demons. Her plate was full enough without trying to take care of someone else's problems.
"I know you're just trying to help," she sighed. Glancing over at him, she could detect a faint smile. "Guess I still need time to adjust to all of this. It's hard, going from being on my own and making all of the decisions to being around so many people and following orders."
"You'll get used to it," he said with an encouraging smile. She gave a light chuckle and stared out across the yard.
"I don't have much choice, do I?" she asked rhetorically.
As Bertolt got closer, she stood. Armin gave her a hard look that she blatantly ignored. They all headed closer to the make-shift range and Bertolt passed her the rifle. For the first hour, she worked with the stationary targets once more. She was hitting every target now, at the very least, and seven out of ten of the barrels had bullet holes embedded into the small black circle painted on them. The slim round circles that served as the tops and bottoms of the barrels were tied to a rope that was hung from a tree branch and Bertolt or Armin would push them hard. She found she was better at moving the moving targets than shooting the barrels.
She'd set small goals for herself. Once she'd accomplished that small goal, she'd make it a little harder on herself with the creation of a new goal. It was the only way she didn't feel worthless as even a mock soldier. It had been extremely difficult that first day, seeing just how weak she really was compared to everyone else- even Alois. She could blame her severe loss of muscle tone from the coma or she could make excuses about how she'd never bothered with running around aimlessly or doing pushups and other exercises. She knew, though, that she really was just plain weak. It didn't matter that she was faster than anyone she'd seen so far with the maneuvering gear; it didn't matter that she could kill Titans with expert ability; all that mattered was that she couldn't compare to these soldiers. If she was going to be evaluated in two weeks, she felt certain she'd fail miserably.
When she'd extinguished her supply of ammunition for the day, they wandered back over to the picnic table and she began to take the gun apart. She wasn't paying much attention to her actions, but they'd become almost muscle memory for the number of times she'd performed them. Her mind was too busy reeling about the coming examination and what exactly that might entail. How was she ever going to prove herself- especially if it meant she would be tested alongside others? Alois was now far better at everything compared to her. She was proud of him, but she was also worried for him. If she failed, then all of the responsibility would fall to him. She knew he couldn't handle that. Ever since she and the others had started working with him, teaching him to use the gear and the swords to kill Titans, she'd kept him far from anything resembling a sense of responsibility so that he could focus solely on killing Titans. Nothing else should have been important to him- other than Mina, perhaps.
Everything had begun to slip out of her control. When they were in the village, she'd had so many worries and fears for her people, but at least she'd been active in protecting them. No matter what it took to keep them safe, she'd done it. She recalled Alois reminded her of the winter she'd rode for two days straight to find blankets and other things to keep her people warm and alive. There were various other stories of that nature- some involving heading straight for the nearest larger city and almost dying four times over to break into a hospital and take every drop of medicine she could find. She'd taken on those responsibilities because no one else was willing to take the blame when something bad happened. She could handle the outrage and despair and hurtful words when they lost another person, and his or her loved ones verbally or physically attacked her. All of that she could handle. It was here, now, not having any say over the situation she'd been placed in, that she felt useless and worthless. How could she protect her people by learning to clean a gun or learning how to grapple?
"Fuck this." Eve dropped the slim piece of metal from the slide. It clattered to the table like an additional exclamation and she stood.
"E-Eve?" Armin stuttered, looking over at her in surprise. He'd been focused on something else, but she didn't care to notice what. She turned away from him and Bertolt.
"I can't do this meaningless bullshit anymore," she snapped, her head snapping over her shoulder and eyes narrowing as she stared Armin down. "I'll be back later." She jogged away- the one time she felt a true desire to actually run since the beginning of this week of hell. Getting away from everyone around her was the goal, so she headed for the stables. Osten noticed her almost immediately and began whinnying and tossing his head, as if begging her to let him out. Grabbing his saddle from the place on the wall where it hang, she opened the door keeping him. The riding blanket was draped over the door, so she grabbed that first and then layered the saddle on top of it. He kept still while she managed the buckles. He was stamping his feet impatiently as she finished readying him for their ride, and her fingers were twitching as she moved, anxious to get away before someone came to stop her.
She led him out of the stall, climbed up into his saddle, and they were off before she even dug her heels into his side. Voices called after her as she and Osten galloped through the yard. She went straight for the forest, but avoided the road. It didn't matter where she was going, as long as she got away. She didn't look at anyone, just focused on the trees. Once they were in the woods, she allowed herself a small smile. Yes, she was running away, but it was exhilarating. Osten jumped fallen branches or tree trunks and she laughed at how eager he was to run even faster. When they broke free on the other side of the small patch of woods, she let him run as fast and wherever he wanted to.
She was tempted- oh, so tempted- to just go back to her village. Alois could provide the necessary requirements for her people to stay behind the Wall. He would hate her for dumping that burden on him, but he hated her anyway. She could no longer provide for her people the way they needed her to, but he could. He'd already begun to make friends in the Corps, and she knew he'd go back to Mina and everyone else the moment he was given half of a chance. All he needed to do was stay alive. She trusted that he could manage that at least. He was better at killing Titans than she was, after all.
The sound of horse hooves pounding the ground was unmistakable, and she knew someone was following her. Cursing under her breath, she looked over her shoulder. To her great surprise, it was Levi. She grabbed Osten's reigns a tight and forced him to slow into a trot. Levi was at her side in a split second.
His fist connected with her jaw and knocked her out of Osten's saddle. She hit the ground with a grunt of pain, grabbing the right side of her face. She stared up at him, more shocked than anything. Osten had noticed the loss of his rider and had slowed, turning to look at her and wait for her summons. Levi slipped from his saddle right in front if her, then brought his foot back. She rolled out of the way of his kick and clamored to her feet, almost slipping in the slick, damp grass. She went on the defensive, bringing her arms up like Jean and Reiner had shown her. He lunged forward, and she recognized the move as one meant to knock her off of her feet. She side stepped at the last second and tried to use his momentum against him, but he was faster than she realized. He'd spun on his toes and grabbed her, tossing her to the ground as if she were a sack of potatoes.
"What the fuck is your problem?" she shouted, getting back to her feet. He lunged for her again, and she dodged again. A high kick came at her head, but she ducked and lifted her arm, forcing his leg to the side. She'd hoped he would lose his balance, but somehow, he stayed on his feet. His fist flew, connecting with her left side of badly-healed ribs. The blow forced the air out of her lungs. Clutching her side, she knelt on the ground, gasping. Her eyes saw the next kick aimed for her head and her body reacted, flattening lower and rolling to avoid it. He was relentless, and she realized he wasn't going to stop. Standing, she readied herself once more. It took two seconds for him to advance with his next fist. She shifted her upper body to the side and jabbed her own fist into his ribs, then spun on her toes with a low kick that successfully nailed the same spot. He retaliated with an uppercut to her chin, knocking her head back and almost pushing her off her feet. She blindly threw another punch and felt her fist hit flesh. When she was back on her feet, panting and fists still raised, she smirked. His lower lip was split and bleeding. He spit a mouthful of blood onto the ground, then went at her again.
They continued trading blows, one after the other. The moment she'd split his lip, though, something had changed. It was as if he'd been toying with her before that. His fists flew faster and he was hitting her harder. She didn't understand where his rage stemmed from or why he was attacking her, but she didn't just take it. Her one advantage was that she was fast- almost faster than he was, but it didn't do her much good. Her own blows were like a child's compared to his. At one point, he kicked the ribs on her left side and she actually screamed, falling to the ground. Tears had sprang to her eyes, blinding her. She forced herself back to her feet, though, and kicked up as hard as she could manage before falling to the ground again.
She knew he hadn't hit her again since she'd been on the ground, but she didn't hear him at all. Her own lip had been split, one of her eyes was beginning to swell shut, and now she felt sure her ribs were probably broken again. It took a long while for her to control her breathing to the point where rips of pain didn't continuously cripple her each time she sucked in lungs full of air. After that, she was able to open her eyes- well, her left one, at least. The right was almost completely swollen shut. Levi was on the ground about a meter away, unmoving but breathing. He didn't look quite as bad as she did, but there was more blood on him. She'd split the skin under his eye with one of her punches, and between that and his lip both bleeding freely, there was a thick trail of blood rolling down the right side of his face from his cheek and down over his chin and neck.
"What was all that for?" she breathed, not bothering to make herself get up just yet.
"Because you're too weak," he muttered back. "You say you can't do what we are trying to teach you, but the truth is that you just don't want to. You'd rather abandon everyone you care about and leave them to be turned out into Titan territory. That's pathetic. You disgust me."
"I don't care what you think," she whispered. His words had hurt, but she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. "What do you care anyway? They aren't your people. You don't owe them anything."
"Two people died on my first expedition because of my poor choices," he muttered. She was surprised by the confession, but remained silent. "I won't watch you make the same mistake." This was in total opposition to his typical personality. She'd never thought of him as someone who would try to force anyone to do something they didn't want to. Yet here he was, telling her that he wasn't going to let her run away. She laughed. It hurt horribly and she wound up curling up on her right side, cradling the left with her hands. He sat up and she saw the scrape under his chin from the tip of her boot.
"What happened to the crap about not knowing if a choice was right or wrong until after it was made?" she breathed, recalling an overheard conversation between Eren and Alois.
"Sometimes it's obvious," Levi muttered, narrowing his eyes at her. "You think that boy can handle being responsible for the lives of everyone in your village?" She didn't answer. She knew he couldn't, and apparently so did Levi. "Stop pitying yourself. It's pathetic. Now get up." He stood and she watched him wander over to his horse, grabbing its reins and stroking its nose. She took a deep breath and more tears sprang to her eyes. She rolled to her stomach, her knees below her, and forced herself up. Half bent over, she swayed, her vision darkening and the world spinning as she held her breath from the pain radiating throughout her torso. She was about to fall again, but she felt his hand grip the top of her right arm and keep her on her feet. He began to drag her somewhere. She blinked rapidly, getting her vision to clear.
"I think you broke my ribs," she choked out, followed by a few choice curses. He'd grabbed Osten's reins and pressed them into her hand. She tried to climb into his saddle, but slipped and almost hit the ground. Levi kept his grip on her arm, though, and hauled her up. He pushed her into her saddle by her butt, but she was too distracted by the stabbing pain in her side to care. A few moments later, Osten was trotting along behind his horse. It took everything she had left just to remain in the saddle.
The ride back to headquarters was brutal. She almost passed out twice, but the fear of falling and injuring herself further kept her alter enough to hold on to Osten for dear life. She could hear murmurs and whispers when she felt sure they reached the flat yard at last, but she couldn't quite make out the words. Someone stopped her horse.
"What the fuck happened to you two?" She recognized the lazy drawl as Peter's voice and tried open her right eye to peer over at him. Although he'd asked the question with a joke in his tone, there was a deep wrinkle in his forehead from worry.
"We had a conversation," Levi stated. She could see him just behind Peter hopping off his horse. She let slip a small, triumphant smirk when she watched him cringe.
"With fists," she whispered, realizing her voice was weak and wavering.
"Well, get down, let me look at ya," Peter sighed, looking defeated by her lame joke. She tried to move, but spikes of pain radiated throughout her torso and she gave a little whimper of pain.
"I'm fairly certain I broke her ribs," Levi stated from what sounded like a very far-off place.
"For fuck's sake!" Peter groaned, exasperated. "You're gonna murder this girl… Just wakes up from a coma and now she's got twice-broken ribs… Fuck!" She could hear more words exchanged, but at that point her awareness had faded. Someone had grabbed her leg, tossing over Osten's back, and trying to lower her from his back. Fingers caught a tender spot just under the bottom of her left rib and her entire body cringed against the pain- only causing her more. It was a never-ending and vicious cycle. At one point, clarity returned and she distinctly heard him say, "Someone go find the kid that came with her! It's time he learned something useful…"
She wanted to shake her head, yell out no, and protest in every way. Alois didn't need to see her all busted up yet again. It was like a bad omen. She'd been injured when she was found so long ago by the Survey Corps; she'd cracked her skull open just before they reached Wall Rose; and now she'd been in a pointless fight and re-broke all of the same ribs. Not to mention all of the scars she'd collected over her lifetime. Armin had seen them once, she didn't want Alois to have the same impression of her. She was jostled slightly as whoever carried her began to walk. She managed to choke out the words, "Not Alois," just before the pain increased to the point where she had to keep her jaw clenched shut with as much force as she could muster to prevent from shouting out.
Her existence was nothing more than pain for what felt like hours. Logically, she knew it couldn't have been more than a couple of minutes. At one point during the onslaught, she realized she was laying down, but she wasn't left still for long. Someone had lifted her under her arms once more. It was all she could do to keep her lips pressed tightly together and not to utter a sound. Eventually she was left laying down once more. The pain faded slowly. Her awareness of the world outside of herself came back.
"This girl's been through hell, ain't she?" Peter's question bothered her, but she remained silent for a moment to try to discern who he was speaking to.
"Yeah," came Armin's soft reply. "That's why I don't understand why she said she was leaving… Then the Captain goes after her and they both come back beat up. It doesn't make any sense."
"Maybe it did me some good," she muttered, opening her left eye. The right was swollen shut. Now that she could focus on something other than the pain in her ribs, she realized that the rest of her was pretty beat-up too. She could feel the forming bruises on her upper arms and thighs, feel her jaw ache as she moved it.
"Figured you be knocked out," Peter remarked. She turned her head so that she could look at him. He was sitting on a little bed identical to the one she was in. There were a total of eight of those beds in the room, four lined up on each wall opposite each other. The fire burned to her left, warming her up. Her clothes were still damp from where she'd rolled around in the wet grass. "Thought we lost you on the way here."
"I was in and out," Eve admitted with a light shrug. "Help me up?" Peter nodded and grabbed her shoulders, slipping one arm behind her as he shoved the pillow behind her back. She grunted as he bent her over, but when she relaxed against the pillow, the pain faded. She looked down for a moment and frowned. Her entire torso was covered with a few layers of a thick, cloth bandage that was wrapped tightly enough to keep her from moving much on her own, but that was all. She grabbed the edge of the blanket on the bed and pulled it up. She didn't feel comfortable just lounging in the infirmary with nothing but bandages covering her chest. "What's the damage?"
Peter passed her a canteen and she snatched it away before guzzling much of it down. "Four broken ribs. Seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth. Left side. The top two have some fracturing, but the bottom two have complete breaks, though I don't think they're displaced." Peter gave her a heavy sigh and accepted the canteen she held back out for him. "You're lucky you didn't puncture a lung."
Eve gave him a light shrug once more. "I'll be alright in a week or so."
"No, you won't," Peter snapped. She thought it was odd; he'd never behaved so seriously before. His natural attitude was to tease and make jokes at others' expense. "Damn it, Eve! We leave in three weeks for another expedition. If you so much as do a single fuckin' sit-up before then, I swear I'll make 'em force you to stay here."
"You can't do that!" Eve protested, her anger welling up inside of her. "Besides, if I don't do their stupid evaluation before we leave, they'll kick me out anyway."
"Like hell I can't," Peter threatened. "And all I gotta do is tell Ed that you're no good and he'll make the higher ups understand that you can't do it for another few weeks." Eve's hands fisted around the blanket at her sides. "Chill out, would you? Look at the bright side- no more PT or hand-to-hand for you."
"And I'll continue to be weaker than everyone else and not able to keep up," Eve mumbled darkly.
"You didn't do anything like that when you were out in your village," Armin remarked, sitting on the foot of the bed across from hers. "There was never any issue with you keeping up then."
"I also never laid in a coma for three weeks and let all my muscles atrophy," Eve snapped. "Levi finally knocks some fucking sense into me and now I can't even get up to do anything about it…"
"What do you mean?" Armin prodded. She knew he wanted answers, but she wasn't up for discussion at this moment. She turned her head to stare at the fire.
"I'm gonna go get us some lunch," Peter interjected. "Eve, you do so much as attempt to get out of that bed, and I'll personally cut your foot off." She rolled her eyes, but he chuckled and gave her a big grin before heading for the far end of the room where the only exit lay.
The moment he was gone, Armin looked at her once more with those intense, questioning blue eyes. "What happened with Levi?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Eve asked, her tone a little too sharp. "We had ourselves a fist fight." Armin just kept staring, not bothering to give that answer a response. Eve tried to take a deep breath, but it sent shockwaves down her side once more. "Just drop it, okay? I'm determined again to make this whole shitty situation work in my favor, or at the very least, in favor of my people. That's all you need to worry about."
Armin frowned a little, but nodded. "I'll drop it," he agreed, "but you have to promise me something."
"What?" Eve asked, a feeling of dread sinking into the pit of her stomach.
"You can't give up again," he said softly. "That's not like you." Eve's head fell back against the head board and she nodded once. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me," she muttered. "I'm not doing it for you."
"I know," he said softly, "but you're too strong to just give up." She gave a pained sigh and her head turned so that she could stare into the flames once more. Armin was always so optimistic… She felt the small part of a half-assed attempted at a smile tug at her lips. She needed him to be optimistic. The other members of the Survey Corps were fairly nice to her overall, but other than Sasha, Armin was the only person she could consider her friend here.
"Thanks for that," she muttered. "I try to tell myself that I am, but it helps to hear it from someone else." Rolling her head over to peer at him once more, she saw him lift his head with a little smile. She returned it.
A/N: Sorry it's been so long since my last post! I've had that pesky "Lolita" series in my brain and I wasn't able to get it out until I wrote it all down. But now I'm back on Survival and I hope to stay here!
Thank you so very, very much to MercedesCarello for all of your amazing help! I really couldn't get through this without you! (If any of you haven't read Burning Titan, I highly recommend it!)
Please, please, please, for the love of all things fan fiction, leave a review! I can't express how much reviews mean to me- even little one-liners bring a huge grin to my face. It'll take you just a few extra seconds to type something up- don't read and leave!