Hey people. I apologize for the late update. Okay, so there is(was; my step dad fixed it, thank god!) a fucking virus on my computer called "Security Shield" and it fucked my shit up! It's a virus that prevents chu from browsing on the internet, pop-ups occur and whatnot! (A Fake Security Scanner; automatically downloads when browsing the internet. It downloaded) So this is SUPER delayed! I had to use my step-dad's laptop, to update!
"What the fuck you lookin' at?"
"You need people like me, to point chor fucking finger at."
"I always tell the truth, even when I lie!"
"So... Say good night to the bad guy!"
Tony Montana
-Scarface
(Which has nothing to do with this chapter!... Or does it?... Heheh, Nah, I just love Scarface and Tony Montana!)
Ah! Well, welcome to Chapter 6 of Anko The Therapist! And Part 2 of A Date with the Serpent! This was a bit delayed. I was planning on updating a couple of days ago, but time got the best of me, including pure laziness, the fact that I was busy! But here we are, with a brand new chappie! I'd like to thank all of those who alerted, favored and reviewed! Thank you so much! It means a lot to me!
I hope you all enjoy!
Annabel: Told ya that you'd like Canada! Being Canadian rules, so... I'd brush up on our culture if I were you... For those who don't know, I am PRETTY mix! My nationality includes being Canadian! Hehe! And that is SO like you to catch errors that I never noticed! Well, enjoy this chappie, girl! And take care!
Jimmy: Thanks again dude! Heheh, we'll see who is behind this castrophee!
LeMemeFox: Thanks! Ahh, yes! The Kakashi/Anko... Well, I wouldn't say that they actually kiss in this chapter... But, we'll see! Haha!
Guest: Well thank you! And here's that update!
Jerr: Hey gurl! Thanks for za review! Now come on! Iruka needs love too, haha! Kakashi gets all of the love, whether it's from OCs, people or even Yamato! Lol, Mr. Umino needs some love haha! He usually paired with Sakura though... Anyways, enjoy this chappie!
Now, today's MAJOR guests!
Kakashi Hatake
Iruka Umino
Might Guy
Tsunade
?The Mystery Character?
Today's MINOR Characters
Konohamaru Sarutobi
Jiraiya
Naruto Uzumaki
Asuma Sarutobi
Shizune & Ton-Ton
Rikku Tsukehime
Anbu forces (they are Cameos that have dialogue)
Medical Nins (Same for them; Cameos that have dialogue)
Etc
*Note: There are special characters who will not be revealed at the moment! They make cameo appearances and they have dialogue!
And now, our main character:
Anko Mitarashi
Anko: *sings* No matter where life takes me, find me with a smile! Pursuit to be happy, only laughin' like a child. I thought life would be this sweet, got me cheesin' from cheek to cheek... And I ain't get away for nothing cause that just ain't my style... Life couldn't be better! This gon' be the BEST DAY EVER!
Kumi: *sweat-drops* heheh, yeah... She's singing Mac Miller's song: Best Day Ever...
Anyways!
Chapter 6: Hebi no hi. Pato 2
(A Date with the Serpent; Part 2)
Written By: Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan
Starring:
Anko Mitarashi
Etc
Disclaimers: I own nothing. Kishimoto-Sempai owns all of it. Except for the following: Stuff
WARNING: This chapter contains slight adult content (NOT! PEOPLE, NOT GRAPHIC) that may be suitable for the rating of T, MORE Paradox Arguements, twisted philosophies, MAJOR Adult Language, stuff that may be considered Iruka bashing, weird concepts, some Murderer, A bit of horror, EXTREME humor and crude humor. If the following is too much( Yeah right, haha...) Then I do NOT know what to do for ya... Eh, Kumi-Chan's just kidding! This chapter is as chaotic as it gets! This is the epic PART TWO, my ninja! Enjoy! Enough of my babbling! On with ze story!
*Murder She Wrote... Dan Da-Da-Da, Murder She Wrote, Murder She Wrote*
Haha! One of my favorite songs! Sorry... On with ze story!
(Another thing! This starts off the next day, with Anko's dream and then stuff gets into action!))
"W-Who was that guy?" Rikku Tsukehime asked, shuddering a bit. Anko let out a heavy sigh and dryly retorted, "Genma... He may be in need of some Anko Therapy... Heheh..."
"You know... Maybe you should be a NORMAL Therapist..."
*Anko's Dreamscape*
-Echoes-
Normal Therapist!
-Knock, Knock-
Mitarashi, stood up from the couch and quietly opened her door. "Hi, Friend. How are you doing?" She reprimanded in a sort of eerie and monotone voice. "Please come in." She said, leading the way. His cold and piercing eyes gawked at the woman. He turned to his half-crazed partner, who clicked his tongue in annoyance.
"Itachi... She does know who we are... Right?" The blue-skinned man asked, raising an eye-brow. The eldest Uchiha shrugged his shoulders, retorting in his husky voice, "All of Konoha should know who we are, Kisame." The two men stepped in her apartment and looked around, cautiously.
Maybe it was a trap... This could be a whole set-up... They had to be careful. "Please, close the door. You are letting all of the A/C out. And have a seat so we can get this session on the road." Anko chimed, taking a seat on the couch, placing her hands in her lap. Kisame started to chuckle as he tightly gripped his famous broad sword, Samehada.
"Bitch, just to let you know... We're here to kill you." He snickered. The violet haired woman cocked her head to the side and reached on the nightstand table, picking up some reading-glasses. She put them on and started to review and flip through a stack of papers. "And... Hoshigake-san... How does that make you feel?" She asked, folding her hands and placing them in her lap.
Kisame gave her a confused look while Itachi rolled his eyes. "How does it make me feel...? Well... Now that you mention it... No one ever asked me how I felt about killing... Nor did they ask Samehada... I mean he just... - - -" He started to explain. "Wait a fucking minute! Why the hell am I explaining this to you?" He roared, his small white eyes narrowed as he bared his razor-sharp teeth.
"Ok... Yes, I see... May I ask, where do you see yourself in the next six months?" She questioned again, as her reading glasses drooped down her nose. She peered over them with her pupil-less light brown eyes at the now pissed blue skinned man.
Kisame glared at her, gritting his teeth.
"The next five months?"
He gave her another look.
"How about the next month?"
He kept the same expression on his face.
"The next three weeks?"
He was stoic.
"The next day?"
Kisame's expression:
(=O_o=)
*Moments Later*
Anko nodded her head as Kisame lounged on the love-seat sofa and told her his problems. "And... Can you believe that people have the nerve to call me Gills, Sharky and Fishy-chan?" He whined, sniffling a bit. "Do you think I like being called all of these corny and meaningless nicknames? ! I have feelings you know... And another thing... People say they wonder how I taste as sushi... That's not very nice..." He trailed off, finally bursting into tears. Anko nodded her head, handing him a box of tissues. Itachi let out a sigh, thinking to himself.
Eh.. This is going to be forever seemingly...
Who knew Kisame was like that...
.
. . . .
. . . . . . .
... ... ... ... ... ... ...
I'm think I'm just gonna' make a sammich.
*Reality*
Anko jolted up and let out a sigh. She wiped a bit of drool from the side of her mouth and jumped out of bed. She shuddered at the thought. Her... Normal. A Normal Therapist.
Well... Here's to another day dealing with this damn mystery... She thought, stepping into her bathroom.
*Kakashi's Dreamscape*
"So... Are you ready?" She asked, straddling him. The tied-up Kakashi nodded his head, smirking under his mask.
She smugly smirked and sighed, "Well... Then I'm going to have to ask you to remove the mask."
"Well... As you can see, master... I'm a bit tied." He cackled, moving his wrists around and glancing at the hand-cuffs that bound his two hands to the bed railing.
She rolled her light brown eyes and with a few tugs, his mask that hid most of his face was off, quickly tossed to the carpeted floor. "Did you bring the whip?" He asked, trying to hide most of the enthusiam in his voice.
The violet haired woman thought for a second before reaching behind her back and cracking the leather whip meant for the most harshest of activities... Even sultry ones. She bent down and kissed his lips, before biting them and well... Using her slightly long tongue to trace over his parted lips. She knew he wanted some tongue action... But, That had to happen.
All of a sudden, before anything else ever had the chance of going on, Iruka burst through the door, gripping a mace in his hands. "Just what the hell is my wife doing here! On TOP of YOU?" He boomed, getting a crazed look in his eyes. Then Gemna leaped into the room through the open window. "Anko! What the HELL are you doing married to this sucka'?" He pointed to Iruka. THEN the over tanned man with the buck teeth and the turban head-dress rolled from under the bed and ranted, glaring at Iruka and Genma, "Mother-fucker! I knew it mother-fucker! You playa-hater! This ol' 'biatch' is yo' wife! Mother-fucker!" Then Guy burst through the ceiling wearing his speedo thongs, shaking his ass. "Hey! You guys ready to party?... And Anko... You and Kakashi?... Who would have thought of it!" He exclaimed, slapping his butt-cheeks. Little did they know, Orochimaru was video-taping the whole entourage. And lastly, Tsunade and Ton-Ton burst in, walking out of the bathroom, wearing matcing bikinis. "I wouldn't go in there for about thirty-five to fourty-five minutes... But, Hey!... You two want a foursome?" She asked, her and the pig striking a pose.
Oink!
Anko glanced at Kakashi and he glanced at her. "You know what? This fucking dream is getting to weird and is NOT a turn-on anymore. I'm going back to my dreamscape." She sighed, getting off of his lap and poofing away. Kakashi let out a sigh and said to himself, "... I guess I'll just read some Icha Icha and play around to get rid of this feeling."
*Reality*
Kakashi groaned, sitting up in bed. He stared at the ceiling wishing that his fantasy had come true... Without the three idiots and the others interuppting...
*Iruka's Dreamscape*
"Oh! Iruka! I always loved you!" Anko exclaimed, kissing him over and over on the lips. Iruka beamed a blissful smile and he chimed, "Let's make it happen! Now!" He started to unbutton his pants and pulled them down.
"Oh yes! Please! Give it to me Iruka!" She screamed, tackling him to the floor.
"Anko... If loving you is wrong... Then I don't wanna' be right!" Iruka yelled, grabbing onto her hips.
*Silence*
. . . .
. . . .
. . . .
"Uh... Anko... Why are you silent?"
*Silence*
"Like seriously, Iruka... You just like... ruined the fucking mood..." She sheepishly retorted.
Anko stood up and poofed away sighing, "Well. I think I'm just gonna' go back to Kakashi's dreamscape... Hopefully you stop interuppting, saying that I'm your wife and those other people stop fucking coming as well..."
*Sniffle*
Iruka started to cry...
Too bad his words were corny enough to drive her away...
*Reality*
The tanned young man slowly sat up in bed and let out a heavy sigh. Even in his fantasy land... He couldn't have his way.
*Later That Morning*
"Iruka-Sensei! Do we have to take this exam?" A very annoyed Konohamaru asked, as the teacher passed out examnation papers and pencils. He rolled his dark brown eyes and explained, with annoyance laced in his tone, "Yes, Konohamaru. This exam is crucial if you are to gain some knowledge on things... Brain-storming and tactic wise."
Konohamaru let out a heavy sigh and stared at the thick packet that sat on his desk before him.
"Didn't you get a mission or somethin', Iruka-Sensei?" Some other kid asked.
"Why, yes, yes I did. I have to atleast distribute this exam to you kids. And then I off to continue the mission." He explained once again.
As soon as he was done passing out the exams, Iruka made his way to the front of the classroom and started to write on the chalk board.
Class, do NOT open the Test Exams until told to do so by the Substitute teacher.
DO NOT TALK during the test or you will be invalidated.
It is mandatory thay you complete this test.
NO CHEATING!
When he was done, he placed the chalk on his wooden desk and nodded his head to the class. "Understand?" He chimed, smirking at them.
"But, on the contrary... You never explained anything." Renji Hyuuga whispered, fixing his glasses that drooped down on his face. Iruka rolled his eyes again and pointed to the board. "That! Do you understand that?" He asked, plastering a rather annoyed expression onto his face. Renji smiled and then frowned, nodding his head.
Of course, Konohmaru had to be the jokester of the class and do a real bother-some thing.
He opened his test packet and flipped through pages, coming to the blank page that said: This page is intentionally left blank. He smirked deviously and rasied his hand. Just as Iruka was about to walk out the building, he stopped, answering, "Konohamaru? What is it?"
The boy raised his packet in the air and squeaked, "Sensei! The page says: This page is intentionally left blank." Iruka nodded his head and sighed, "Yes. I know. And your point?"
"Well, therefore, it's not blank! The book lied to us! And doesn't that count as one of those Paradox-things you told us about?" Konohamaru shouted.
"... Just take your darn exam." He slurred, walking out the door.
-Four Man Team's Meeting Place-
Three of the Four Man team were gathered, waiting in front of the Ichiraku Ramen shop. Guy was as usual, doing quick warm-ups that he thought made him "Extra Youthful", the silver-haired ninja had his head buried in an Icha Icha book while the violet-haired woman stood waiting around, impaitent as ever.
She quietly grumbled to herself about the tanned young jounin being late and how she could be spending her time doing something else.
"Paitence is the key to victory, Anko!" Guy coaxed, through deep-breaths as he performed some push-ups... On one hand. She rolled her light brown eyes and let out an annoyed sigh. "Well the only fucking victory I get out of this is seeing my old sensei and beating the shit out of him... Not to mention the ryo we're getting paid. Therefore, there is no need for paitence." She seethed, glaring at the ground. The chilvarous Might Guy started to do some jumping-jacks, articulating, "Remember Anko, slow and steady wins the race!"
The violet haired woman rolled her eyes once more complaining, "Where the hell is that poor excuse for a man?"
Just as those words escaped her mouth, Iruka who came around the corner, fought back a low growl that was emitted in the back of his throat. "That 'poor excuse for a man' is right here." He grumbled, making air quotes at 'Poor excuse for a man'.
"Yeah... Well it took ya' long enough." She slurred, resting her hands on her hips. Iruka walked up the the group of three and nodded his head while roaming his fingers through his mahogany brown hair that was tied in a pony-tail. "Anyways, my students had an exam to take... That's why I'm late." He explained. Kakashi closed his Icha Icha and smirked under his mask.
"Well, let's get going on with this mission!" He chimed. "Wait! First, I want to show Anko that I indeed can pick up a woman." Iruka blurted out, flashing her a toothy grin.
Mitarashi was about to snicker and she pinched the bridge of her nose. "You? Pick up a woman?" She asked, trying her hardest to surpress a laugh. He rolled his chocolate brown eyes and nodded his head once. "Yeah." He simply said.
Iruka... Pick up a woman? Now that's a sight to see... Guy and Kakashi thought in unison, smirking at the idea.
"Well, be amazed at my tricks..." He boasted.
She raised an eyebrow and sassed, "Tricks? And just what tricks do you plan to use?" Kakashi snickered, causing Iruka to narrow his eyes. His tan lips curved into a smug grin and he started to stick his tongue out over and over in a fleet motion.
*Extreme SILENCE*
Everyone was silent at Iruka's actions. This guy was bound to get in trouble with any and every woman he encountered. Anko's amused smirk quickly turned upside down into a scornful frown.
"Dude, are you fucking stupid or what?" She hissed, giving him a death-glare. Iruka stopped his actions and gazed at the sort of bummed-out and disgusted Guy, the smirking Kakashi and the scowling Anko. "That's nasty, man." Guy grimaced. "What? What's wrong?" Iruka asked, oblivious to the fact of what was wrong with what he did.
"Well... When you stick your tongue out like that... It means you lick and eat vagin- - -" Kakashi seemingly tried to explain while blushing a bit. "Ah, Ah, Ah, Kakashi." Anko interuppted, getting a devious look on her face. "Let's let Iruka pick up his woman... And then we'll see if his trick worked... Damn he's stupid..." She chimed, whispering the last words to herself.
Anko looked around at the innocent civilians and smirked when she saw the perfect person. A blonde with curvacious features and dark brown eyes. Anko pointed her out to Iruka but glared when him and Kakashi liked what they saw. Guy... Well, he was just ignoring the situation; being that it was "Unyouthful".
Iruka's lips curved into a cocky and toothy grin, he started to strode over to the damsal who was busy chatting away with another female who went by, unnoticed. As soon as Iruka was next to the women, he began chatting with them as well. "Hey, there pretty ladies." Was all the the trio heard until the bustling sounds of the city drowned out their conversations.
"Hey. Kid." Anko whispered to some kid who was walking by. His dark blue eyes stared up the Anko, half-fearful, half-interested. "You wanna' see something funny?" She asked, without taking her eyes off of Iruka and the two women talking. He shrugged his shoulders retorting, "Sure."
The violet-haired woman pointed to Iruka before sneering, "Look at that idiot over there and just watch."
Iruka's Conversation
"Hey there, pretty ladies."
The two women glanced at him and exchanged looks before smiling a rather flirty smirk at him.
"Hi there, Handsome." One smirked. "Oh indeed, you are handsome..." The blonde said, licking her red lips. Iruka couldn't believe himself... They said he was handsome.
"So, what can we do for you today...?" The blonde asked, seduction lacing in her tone.
"Well... I'd like to know why two beautiful women like yourself are out here, just talking..." He trailed off, raising an eyebrow and grinning. They exchanged glances for the second time.
Anko's Thoughts
What the hell? I don't believe it... He lasted a MINUTE talking to those floozies...
All of a sudden, Iruka started to stick his tongue out over and over in a fleet motion. The two women grimaced and the blonde smacked him across the face.
Mitarashi clutched her stomach, laughing hysterically. He glared at the two of them, hissing, "Ugh! I can't believe I thought you two were pretty... " He started to slowly walk away with a scowl on his face. "Bitches..." He seethed, "Lesbians..." He added in, making his way back over to the trio. She stifled her laughter, letting out a heavy sigh. "Who the hell told ya' that, that'd work on picking up girls?" Anko inquired, to the grumbling Iruka.
"Genma..." He whispered, pouting a bit.
"Well, Genma was drunk as fuck last night." Mitatashi pointed out.
"That explains why he said 'Rack em' over and over to me..." He scorned, wincing at the thought. "Well, now that this unyouthful activities are over... Can we please get on with this mission?" Guy pleaded, bouncing up and down.
-Meanwhile-
"Wh- Wha- What do you want with me?" The petrified victim spoke that nearly came out as a choke.
He was silent and just kept that same evil smirk plastered on his scaley and pale white face. He slowly took a step forward to his soon to be victim. The air stilled and tension as well as fear filled the atmosphere. "I'll be taking that chakra from you, now..." He whispered.
Screams echoed throughout the small alley-way where everything went down.
-Local Corner Store-
"So... Tell me again, what happened sir... Because all of this shi- - -"
"Language, Anko." Iruka advised. The violet haired woman rolled her eyes in slight annoyance and rephrase her words.
"All of this crap" She glanced at Iruka before continuing on, "Isn't adding up... And Guy, get a anbu team here, right away."
Guy gave her a quick nod before poofing away. The local corner store had a 'Snatch and Run' before another murder occurred. The middle-aged man narrowed his eyes before retorting through gritted teeth, "Look, lady... I told you, some foriegn man came in the store... Yelled Snatch and Run and all of a sudden, random people started to come, snatching things off of cabnits, shelves and out of the freezers, running away out of the store! Then, I heard loud screams and TA-DAH! A murder victim!"
Mitarashi nodded her head before hissing, "Watch that damn attitude of yours, too."
She walked over to the door, where Kakashi stood waiting and he noted, "Do... You think this was just a cover-up or distraction so no one would notice the murder?"
She shrugged her shoulders, getting into deep thought. Perhaps... While this "Snatch and Run" was going on... People would get distracted and pay attention to the store... Meaning when the time was right, whenever Orochimaru was ready, BAM! His next victim... Just like that. Within a snap of the fingers... So by the time this whole situation with the store cleared up, no one would even know about the next murder... She articulated in her mind.
"Hey... Can I buy some of these powdered doughnuts?" Iruka asked, picking up a package of the snack-food. The man who owned the corner store let out a sigh, groaning, "Sure. Take it, it's on the house... Considering half of my fucking stock got stolen!"
"Geez... Do as Anko said... Cool the attitude." Iruka grumbled, backing her up and opening the package of powdered doughnuts. He took one out and took a bite, enjoying the taste of the sweet. He licked some powder off of his lips, just before Guy came back, Anbu forces with him.
"So, I want a clean-up in this place and also an inspection. Then do a scan around the village." Anko ordered to the squad.
"Right!" They all chanted, simotaneouly.
"C'Mon guys, let's head to our next destination." Guy suggested, walking out of the shop with the other three following behind.
As the four of them walked through the city, Iruka was carelessly smacking away on the doughnuts.
"Hey, Iruka?" The violet-haired woman questioned to him. He abruptly turned around, muffling with his mouth full, "Yessuh?"
She smirked, asking while tripping him, "Remember this?" At that moment, he went stumbling over but caught himself before he could hit the ground. "You should really lighten up on him..." Kakashi chimed, placing his arm around her shoulder. She rolled her eyes, while winking at the glaring Iruka who continued to stuff his face with the doughnuts.
"Iruka knows I be playing..." She teased. "Speaking of playing..." Anko sensuously whispered, flicking her tongue out to lick against Kakashi's cheek. But of course, his mask's fabrics got in the way of her tongue meeting his flesh. "When exactly will you stop parading around town with that mask on?" She asked, raising an eye-brow.
"That depends... Master..." He whispered in a husky voice. The two of them exchanged flirty glances until screams caught their attention.
"It came from that way!" Guy yelled, pointing in the direction of where the petrified screams came from.
"Everyone quick!" Anko shouted, grasping a kunai in her hand. She turned to the Anbu squad, ordering, "You three that way! You four this way! You five the left, and the rest scan from above!"
"Right!" They all simotaneously shouted. Except for two idiots... Kohaku and Shiro. They bounced with excitement, looking around with short swords gripped in their hands.
"Oh shit! Oh shit! What do we do? What do we do!" Shiro excitedly shouted, looking around.
"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Where do we go? Which way do we go!" Kohaku exclaimed, fidgetting around.
Anko wanted to face-palm at the two imbeciles. "What? Is this your first fucking time getting into action?" She asked, glaring at the two of them.
"Yeah! We just graduated from the Anbu Academy two days ago! Yesterday was our first day!" They rejoiced. She rolled her eyes in utter annoyance, waving them over as her and Kakashi broke out into a fleet sprint, attempting to get to their destination in time. "Just follow us.." She slurred as they ran. Iruka stuffed the remaning doughnuts in his mouth and ran along with them.
"Help me!" Someone hollered. Guy leaped onto the roof, jumping from building to building while looking down, trying to find the source of the screams.
As soon as Kakashi and Anko was about to pass another alley, they saw the scene laid out before them.
Some thing was hovering over a young girl. He had arms and legs, but the strangest thing was the snake tail, that was connected with his backside. Mitarashi narrowed her eyes, flinging the kunai that traveled with great speed and emmense power. The thing was able dodge the blow, turning to reveal it's appearance.
The thing was half man, half serpent... No doubt it was one of Orochimaru's disciples or different forms. He had the same peircing, yellow snake eyes, purple markings under his eyes, not to mention a headful of black, silky hair. Hell, someone would think it was the snake, Orochimaru. It hissed it's long tongue, as vemon started leaking from his tongue.
"So.. You're the one known as Mitarashi Anko... The one who carries Orochimaru's DNA and chakra in the body..." It spoke, that basically came out in a hissy but deep voice.
Anko's lips curved into a modest smirk as she retorted, "Yeah, that's me. Who's fucking asking?"
"Hidomaru. One of Orochimar's expirements." He hissed, turning back to the shuddering girl. Sweat started to beat down her forehead and she winced as his tongue touched her neck.
"And just what are you doing here in Konoha...?" Kakashi questioned, trying to buy time and stall the creature.
It smirked, showing it's small but sharp fangs where most of the venom leaked and dripped. "Gathering chakra for the fool... To restore his arms." He simply told them, not taking his piercing snake eyes off of the girl.
Damn... Where the hell is Guy and Iruka? Anko thought, quickly flickering her eyes around the alley, looking up,to the left and right. There was no sign of the two men.
*Meanwhile*
"Huh? Where the hell did they go?" A lost Iruka said to himself, as he sprinted through the city. All of a sudden, he halted his movements and listened to his gurgling stomach. "Oh..." He groaned, clutching his churning abdomen. The doughnuts went right through him... If you know what I mean...
"Damnit! Not now..." He panicked, holding his butt. He had to drop a load... A huge one at that. Iruka looked around, before running to the nearest house. Jiraiya's House.
He banged on the door, waiting for an answer.
Minutes later, Jiraiya answered, wearing a tank-top and boxers. In his hand, he held a bag of grapes and he chewed them, continuously.
His lips smacked away, chewing and munching on the fruit.
"Hey! Jiraiya! Can I use your bathroom right quick?" He asked, fidgetting around. It took the old man a while to answer. "Hmmm... What you gotta do? A number one? Or number two?" He inquired, putting a handful of grapes in his mouth. "Honey? Come back to bed!" A female voice purred from the inside of the house.
"Just a second!" He chimed, turning back to Iruka.
Iruka's head snapped to the left and then to the right. He had to make sure no one heard this...
"A number two..." He whispered.
Jiraiya automatically shook his head 'no' over and over. "No, no, no, no, no! If it's gonna be anyone dropping a load in my house, it's gonna be me!" Jiraiya reprimanded, closing the door in Iruka's face.
"Damn!" He hollered, letting out a heavy sigh. Iruka really had to go! He turned around the corner, picking up Jiraiya's newspaper... That old man spent his time writing Icha Icha and flirting with women... No way in hell he read newspapers... More like reading sex novels...
He went around the back of his house, quickly unbuckling the belt that held his pants up, unzipping the zipper and pulling his pants down.
He squatted down and went down to business... Yeah... He was taking a shit... Heheh...
"La-La! La! La! La! La!" Naruto sang, circling around Jiraiya's house.
I'm gonna' see what Pervy Sage's doing! He thought, smirking a bit. The blonde made his way to the front door of the Sannin's house... But he stopped half-way there. He saw, Iruka squatting down, with a newspaper...? What does that tell him?
"Hey! Iruka-Sensei! You wanna' spare two dollars so I can get a small bowl of ramen?" He questioned, taking a step forward. The blonde squinted his eyes and cocked his head to the side. The tanned young man panicked for a moment. "N-Naruto!" He growled. "What the hell do you want?" He asked, sweating a bit.
"Well... I got a lil' bored, so I decided to come by Pervy Sage's house..." He explained, stepping through a few bushes to get a closer look at what he was doing.
"Uh... Iruka-Sensei... I may not be the smartest kid/ninja in the world... But from here... It looks like you're taking a shit!" He exclaimed. Iruka's chocolate brown eyes narrowed as his hand reached for the newspaper. He quickly rolled it up and attempted to whack Naruto with it. "Naruto, get the hell away from here... And... where did you learn such language?" He whispered. "Hey... And don't tell anyone about this! Understand?"
Naruto nodded, walking back to the front of the house... But who could resist?
He cupped his hands over his mouth and boomed, "Hey! Iruka-Sensei's over here taking a shit!" His voice echoed and many people passing by, stopped to look, some smirked at the amusement, while others grimaced.
"Naruto!" Iruka yelled. "You said you wouldn't tell anyone... !"
"Oh yeah. Well... I'm not gonna' tell anybody else..." He trailed off, walking away; the boy contiued to sing his "La, La', La's."
*Meanwhile*
Anko tensed as she watched the thing in action. His fangs that was dripping uncontrollably with venom was now glowing with chakra. He was about to bite the girl until Guy's chilvarous and heroic voice silenced his actions.
"I am the man who hates when the women scream between their legs! I am the man who likes to say: What the hell about it! And another kind of man I am!... A YOUTHFUL man!" Guy recited, giving a 'thumbs up' to the creature and flashing his one million dollar smile. Anko and Kakashi both let out an annoyed sigh and sweat-dropped at his "speech" that made NO sense, once so ever! He appeared with Kohaku and Shiro as back-up... A true face-palming moment.
"Hey... What the fuck is that thing...?" Shiro squeaked, crossing his legs as if he was trying to hold in pee. "Man... This is why you never, ever seal some sick-o's arms away... He sends bullshit like this to stir up trouble!" Kohaku complained.
"Gents, Gents, calm your tits! We have a mission here to do!" Anko ranted, as most of the veins she had popped. Of all men to be here at the moment, it had to be them!
"And Guy! Just where the hell is Iruka?" She questioned, glaring daggers at the man dressed in the jump-suit that was a horrible green color.
"Well, that I don't know... But what I do know is... I'm gonna' drop kick this guy!" He shouted, leaping up in the air. "Hey, uh, sir?" He inquired to the half-amused man/serpent. "Do you know who to spell, Sui (Soo-ee)?" Guy asked. "Sui...? What kind of word is that?" The thing was distracted for a moment before Guy exclaimed, "Too late!"
"SUUUUIIIIII!" He yelled, extending his leg out, kicking the thing. His heavy foot made contact with the scaley skin on the face of Hidomaru, knocking the thing out.
Anko winced as Guy's foot made contact with the imp's scaley face.
Damn that had to hurt... She thought.
All of a sudden, some Hobo who lived in the dumpster, jumped out of the large dump, skipping over to the knocked out Hidomaru. He looked over him and yelled in his face. "Damn! You got knocked the fuck out!" He started to laugh and glanced at Anko, Kakashi, the now fainted girl and then to Guy and the chuckling Kohaku and Shiro.
. . . . .
"Kakashi?... Should I 'Surprise Ninja' this guy now?" Mitarashi, questioned in the awkward silence.
"... Uh..." Was all the silver haired Jounin could say.
Finally Iruka arrived on spot. "Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late... I had business to tend to..." He explained, laughing nervously. "Well, it took ya' long enough." Anko slurred, walking over to the man/serpent. She grimaced, taking in all of his appearance.
"Send out the word for a medical team... And make it quick, since you oh, so had much more important shit to do than being here for back up." The violet-haired woman snapped to him. Iruka roamed his fingers through his mahogany brown hair, and nodded his head, poofing away.
"Do you really think it's over?" Kohaku whispered to Shiro. The man shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know... But this seemed easier than it looked... I wonder how much we get paid..." Shiro murmured back.
Anko slowly walked over to the thing, and bent down, trying to get a good look at him. Across his cheeks was a large foot print of Guy's left sandal. Her eyes flickered to the fainted girl and then back to Hidomaru. "Alright... Let's get this guy back to- - -" She started to say. All of a sudden, it's eyes snapped open and his lips curved into a smug and eerie smile. Kakashi shifted over to a stunned Mitarashi, and picked her up, moving her from harm's way.
Hidomaru transformed into a small BOA snake, slithering away, quickly.
"Fuck! He got away!" She ranted, clenching her fists. Anko wiggled out of Kakashi's strong arms and ran over to the brick wall where he managed to slither through. In the lower-left corner of the wall was a small hole, big enough for a cat to squeeze through... They had lost their lead, AGAIN. "Calm down Anko... It wasn't your fault." Kakashi tried to coax. He placed a soothing hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it away. With a scowl formed on her face, she seethed, "I'm... Going to go report back to Lady Tsunade..."
Just then Iruka came running around the corner into the alley-way, with atleast seven Medical Ninja with him. "I'm here..." He announced, stopping in his tracks as he gawked at a silent fuming Anko. She dashed past him, making her way to the center of Konoha; To the Hokage's office. "What's with her?" Iruka asked, looking at the spot where one of his best friend's stood. Before. The silver haired jonin let out a heavy sigh. The four man team, now consisting of three men and two anbu sat in silence.
. . .
. . .
. . .
"Break time anyone?" Shiro suggested, holding one finger up, breaking the silence that ensued on them.
-Ichiraku Ramen Shop-
"So... You want to know what I think?" Shiro asked, lapping up some of the ramen's salty soup. "Lay it on me." Kohaku said, slurping some of the noddles.
"What if there was a killer snake, who fucked a human being and gave birth to that man/snake shit?" Shiro questioned, raising an eyebrow. Kakashi and Iruka both stopped eating their ramen and gave him a questionable look. "A killer snake? Possibl, Yes. Having relations with a human being. No." Iruka articulated, shaking his head at their conversation.
"But there is a such thing as a killer tape though." Kohaku noted, pointing his chop-sticks at Iruka.
"There's no such thing as a tape, movie or video that will kill you, Kohaku." The silver haired jounin reassured.
"Hell yeah there is!" Shiro laughed. "In fact, I know someone who definately knows about that." He mused, nodding his head to the thought.
"Oh really?" Guy remarked in a curious tone.
"Who?" Kakashi added in.
"Wait up man, I heard Hiroku from 90th street watch a movie last week. And this morning... He woke up DEAD!" Shiro added in.
Guy, Iruka and Kakashi wanted to face-palm. Too bad Anko wasn't here... Because she would really have something to say.
Kohaku grimaced, and reckoned, "Man, how the hell do you wake up dead!" Shiro rolled his eyes and scratched his head full of jet black hair. "Cause, you're alive when you go to sleep!" He retorted to the other anbu's disbelief.
"So you're telling me that you can go to bed dead, and wake up alive?" Kohaku dryly inquired.
"You can't go to bed dead, man! That shit would be redundant!" He ranted with a sigh of irritation. "No it wouldn't; Cause' you can go to bed and not be dead. And you can die and not be in the bed." Kohaku retorted with simple directness.
Shiro rolled his eyes once again before remarking, "But you in the bed! That's how you wake up dead in the first place, fool!"
Everyone was silent for a moment until Kohaku beamed a satisfied smile, "That's some quantum shit right there!"
Shiro and Kohaku shook each other's hands. "That's what I'm talkin' bout'! You always stay on top of shit!". Kohaku exclaimed, hugging the brawny Shiro.
"Are you two done?" Kakashi asked, raising his dark haired eyebrow.
The two anbu exchanged skeptical looks and they both nodded their heads. "Yeah... That about sums it up." Shiro sheepishly remarked, drinking his ramen's salty soup.
-Tsunade's Office-
"Come in, Mitarashi." The Lady Hokage spoke. Anko opened the two red-wood double doors, slowly walking into the Hokage's office. She bowed her head slightly; Her light brown eyes looked like glass that could shatter at any given time.
Tsunade took a long sip from her sake and glanced down at the huge stacks of paper on her desk. "So, the status report?" She prompted, crossing her arms over her large chest.
Anko was silent for a moment, glaring at the wooden floors. "He got away." She seethed through gritted teeth. The violet haired woman clenched her fists and stuffed them in the large pockets of her tan overcoat. She stood in the middle of the room awaiting what the Hokage had to say. Instead of words all she received was eerie chuckles. Tsunade's head knocked back as she continued to laugh... Menacingly.
"Mmmm..." She moaned, entwining her fingers in her blonde hair. "He got away, huh?..." Tsunade questioned, leaning her elbow on the wooden desk. Mitarashi nodded her head once. A quick gasp escaped her lips when the Hokage stood up from her seat, slowly walking over to her. Her high-heels clicked and clacked against the hard, wooden floors as she made her way over to a sort of stunned and dazed Anko. "You know what I have to do right?" She questioned, licking her ruby red lips. Anko cocked her head to the side in deep thought.
This... This isn't Tsunade. She thought, narrowing her eyes.
-Outside of Ichiraku Ramen-
"Man, Anko's taking a long time..." Iruka complained, slumping over with a small frown engraved in his face. "Probably out with Kakashi..." He added in, grumbling.
Kakashi raised an eyebrow without taking his eyes off of his Icha Icha book. "Iruka... You know I'm right here... Right?" The silver haired jonin asked. Iruka rolled his chocolate brown eyes and mumbled back, "How do I know if you're not a shadow clone?..." Guy and Kakashi exchanged glances. "And how would I have time to make a shadow clone and sneak off with Anko?... Plus, she was angry... And went to give a status report to the Hokage. Which is what she's doing right now." The Copy Ninja retorted, shutting his book closed. Iruka was silent but he waved Kakashi off. "... You're Kakashi Hatake... You can do anything..." He whined, puckering his bottom lip out.
Guy was silent as well but then nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah... Kakashi, you can do anything... So... If you are a shadow clone, then deteriorate right now, at this very moment. Iruka and I will close are our eyes... And when you don't poof away... Well who knows what'll happen..." Guy trailed off as he walked to Iruka's side and they both closed their eyes.
Kakashi let out a sigh, rolling his eyes. What idiots... He thought.
"Are you trying to poof away?" Guy asked, with his eyes still closed.
-Fart- (I am not getting in detail about a guy farting! Lol)
"There. I poofed away." Kakashi chimed, scratching his head full of silver hair. Iruka and Guy both grimaced and covered their noses. "Geez... Kakashi's shadow clone sure does stink..." Iruka sneered.
"And I heard, that when your shadow clone poofs away, the smell that is left, is that person, and is that smell that was left!" Kohaku exclaimed.
That sentence makes no fuckng sense. Kakashi thought in his head.
"Yeah, so what he means is, Kakashi's shadow clone stinks, so that means he stinks!" Shiro espied, smirking under the baboon mask that he wore. "Hey, where'd you get that mask?" Kohaku asked, taking it off of Shiro's face.
Shiro was silent for a moment, before snatching it away and hiding it behind his back. "... I... Found it." He blurted out.
"Hey! Give me my mask back!" A anbu officer roared, sprinting over to Shiro. He looked around, and sighed, "What mask?" The anbu officer rolled his eyes. "The one that you took from me. Five minutes ago." He seethed. Shiro shrugged his shoulders, muttering, "My friend... I have no idea what you are talking about." Next thing you know, the two men broke out into a fight... Kohaku stood on the side-lines, being the hype-man.
Iruka and Guy opened their eyes and they smiled when they saw Kakashi. "Kakashi! You're back!" Iruka cheerfully remarked, patting him on the shoulder. "And here you thought, a shadow clone wouldn't fool us!" Guy mused, slapping him playfully on the back.
All Kakashi did was smugly smirk under that mask of his. "Yes..." He murmured.
"Serves you right." The anbu officer spat, glaring daggers at Shiro before taking his mask and walking away.
Yeah, Shiro lost the fight. "Man, why didn't you help me?" He complained, whimpering a bit. Kohaku yelled back, "What you mean?"
"If that was me, I would have jumped in." Shiro muttered, brushing dirt off of his attire.
Kohaku placed his hands on his hips, sassing, "Oh yeah? What about that time, back in the academy when I was getting choked by that big fucker.. What was his name... Uh, Yoko?"
Shiro was silent for a moment.
"Oh... That was different..." He stammered.
"Hey, when did you guys decide to join us again?" Guy asked, pointing to Kohaku and Shiro. The two anbu exchanged glances and laughed nervously. "Well, ya' see... I had to take a shi- - I mean, number two." Shiro retorted. "And I... Same for me! Number two! The ramen went right through me!..." Kohaku yelped.
*Silence*
. . . .
"Well... Welcome back...?" Iruka said that came out like a question.
-Hokage's Office-
"Oh, real smooth. You fucking damn, shitty piece of shit offspring from that other fucking bastard. How dare you parade around as the fucking Hokage and send me through hell on that damn mission just to have this fucking happen? You're such a bitchy ass snake/man and you stink." Anko ranted. She winced as Hidomaru tightened the ropes that had bound her to a chair. They were thick ropes at that.
"Hmmm, seems like someone has a potty mouth." The fake Shizune slurred, smirking evilly. "And just who the fuck are you? You're not Shizune. Bitch. Puss- - - Mmmm! Mmm!" Anko's words were muffled by gray masking tape. "I thought you were smart enough to actually figure this whole situation out on your own before it came to this." The fake Shizune teased.
"Mmm! Mm! Mmm!" Anko tried to say. But again, the tape muffled her words. "What was that? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you quite well." Hidomaru hissed, grabbing on the tape. He ripped it off as quickly as it was applied on her mouth.
"Ow!" Anko yelled. "You bitch! How fucking dare you pull some bullshit like this? You ass- - -" The tape was applied back on her mouth, sealing those lips of hers, SHUT.
"You know what I heard? Two loud mouths make a quite mouth." Fake Shizune whispered into Anko's ears.
With a poof of smoke, fake Shizune was none other than Kabuto Yakushi.
The violet haired woman glared at her former Sensei's right hand man. "Mmm! Mm! Mmmm!" She mumbled against the gray masking tape. The young man smirked a smirk similar to the Sannin, Orochimaru and walked around the Hokage's office. "You see, Lord Orochimaru sent us here to extract chakra for his two arms that were sealed away by that wreched, former Hokage of yours." Kabuto explained, roaming his fingers all over the wooden desk. "Sucky craftsmenship..." He whispered to himself.
"When I say former, I mean as a former Hokage and as a former living being." Kabuto laughed, pulling up his glasses that drooped down his nose.
"Now... I think it's time for you to join your Hokage and her assistant..." He whispered, taking slow steps towards the tied up Anko Mitarashi.
-Streets of Konoha-
*Kakashi's POV*
Tired of waiting for Anko outside of the Ichiraku Ramen shop, Iruka suggested that we go around town looking for her... I still couldn't get that image of her out of my head.
She was never that mad before...
We were walking around Konoha, just passing time, you could say.
"... What if she's in trouble?" Iruka kept mumbling to himself.
"Relax... I'm sure she's okay." I unconvincingly coaxed.
But deep down, I knew that there was something wrong... Or something rather strange going on.
"Kakashi-Sensei!" A familiar voice called out. I turned around just to see one of my students, Naruto Uzumaki to be exact, walking up towards me. "Where've ya' been?" He questioned, scratching his head full of blonde spikes.
I waved at him, chiming, "Ah! Naruto! So fine to see you this evening."
He rolled his eyes at me as his bottom lip curved down into a frown. "You were late for so many training sessions!- - -" He yelled, going on and on.
A sigh escaped my lips and I scratched my head, trying my best to come up with a worthy explanation. "Well... I got this mission along side, Iruka, Guy and Anko." I truthfully explained, shrugging my shoulders a bit.
He crossed his arms and faced away from me with a scowl on his face. "Well, you could have atleast told me about it! Plus, I really am in need of some training! And the only reason you probably excepted the mission was because of the Crazy Snake Lady! I already know all that you wanna' do is make-out with her! And what's this I hear you and Sasuke were doing training? That's not fair- - -" He went on and on again.
I let out a heavy sigh, scratching the nape of my neck... How on earth was I gonna' get myself out of this one... This time? I thought.
Although... That part about me and Anko is true... And so is the part about Sasuke and I training...
"Hey, Naruto... Where is Sasuke to be exact?" I asked.
He glared and shrugged his shoulders, "I dunno'... Do I look like his keeper, Kakashi-Sensei?"
The same thing Sasuke would say.
"Well... Personally, you're not keeper material, Naruto... You can hardly keep up with yourself..." I said to him; casualness laced in my tone. He glared, pointing a finger at me. "I heard that Kakashi-Sensei! ! !" He fumed. I couldn't help but smirk.
"Well, I'll be seeing you later." I chimed, patting him on the head.
"Come on, Iruka, Guy, Kohaku and Shiro." I said, starting to walk away.
"Hey! Wait a minute!" I heard him call.
Anko's Thoughts
Oh sure. If I'm so stupid and weak at the moment, how come, I'm locked in a closet with the Hokage, your assistant and a sweating pig?
Tsunade's Thoughts
...
Don't talk to your Hokage like that!...
... Damn I could really use a drink...
Anko's Thoughts
Drink your spit... Shizune's been doing that for a while now. I can tell.
Shizune's Thoughts
... That's NOT true...
Ton-Ton's Thoughts
Oink.
Translation: I'm hungry.
Anko's Thoughts
Hey, Porky, think you can chew these ropes down?
Ton Ton's Thoughts
Oink. Oink.
Translation: ... Possibly... I'm not hungry for ropes though... I was thinking of a nice, Salmon dinner... Nothing with pork or- - -
Anko, Tsunade, and Shizune's Thoughts
JUST GET TO THE POINT ALREADY!
*Ton Ton Sweat-drops*
Oink.
Translation: Okay already...
And so, after what seemed like forever, Ton-Ton was able to chew through the ropes that bound her in place... Could the piggy save the day?...
*Theme Song starts*
Spider pig, spider pig, Does whatever Spider pig does!
Ton-Ton: oink... Oink, Oink, Oink...
Translation: Uh... I'm not a spider pig you know...
*Back on Track!*
Ton Ton wiggled out of the chewed down ropes, prancing over to Shizune, whose mouth was duct-taped and who was tied to a wooden chair. The pig hopped on her lap, and started to chew the duct tape away. Shizune shook her head until the tape was away from her lips and it hit the floor.
"Ton-Ton... Okay..." She whispered in a hushed tone. "I need you to go and get help. Lead an anbu team over, and all the help you can give us... Meanwhile, we'll try to figure out how to get out of here. Try not to get caught." She murmured in the pig's ear.
Oink!
Ton-Ton hopped on Shizune's head, wiggling her way through the open air-vents.
*Meanwhile*
"I'm getting thirsty." Iruka complained. Him, Kakashi, Guy and the two chatting Anbu who never seemed to stop talking circled around Konoha FIVE times. "Let's stop at that corner store." Shiro suggested, pointing to the small store on the corner of the street they were on.
The six of them walked in and went to browsing. "Wait!... I'm broke!" Kohaku whispered to the four of them.
"Not our problem." Iruka muttered, heading over to the frozen drink section of the store. Guy picked up an energy bar, Kakashi picked up a bag of salted potatoe chips. "Hey, Guy, do me a favor and buy these chips for me." The silver haired Jonin asked, tossing the bag to Guy.
"What? No can do, Kakashi." He retorted, letting the chips hit the floor without catching them. Kakashi stared at Guy, and then the bag of chips. "You just let them fall on the floor like that?... And what do you mean, no can do? You owe me like two dollars!" Kakashi exclaimed, putting his hands on his hips, expecting an answer from him.
Guy put his hand to his ear and asked like he didn't hear a word. "Huh?"
"If you can 'Huh?' You can hear." Shiro added in, listening to their conversation. The middle aged man with the bowl-cut hairstyle rolled his eyes and raised his fist, getting a determined look in his eyes. "Let's duel over this!" He exclaimed.
Kakashi let out a heavy sigh, shrugging his shoulders. "Fine. The usual?" He inquired.
Guy nodded his head and the two men crouched down.
"One, two, three!" Guy yelled.
Guy- Rock
Kakashi- Rock
"Damn." Shiro whispered, getting into the 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' as if it was a championship game of some sort.
"One, two, three!" Kakashi called.
Guy- Paper
Kakashi-Rock
"Yeah! I win!" He rejoiced.
"No! That isn't rock! It's Boulder! Boulder crushed paper." Shiro blurted out.
"But wait a minute... That's not paper... It's blanket! Blanket covers boulder!" Some random customer shouted throughout the store. "And scissors is Chain-saw!" Another person said.
What is this? Ultimate Boulder, Blanket, Chain-saw? Kakashi and Guy thought in unison.
. . . . .
"Ow!" Kohaku yelled. Kakashi, Iruka, Guy and Shiro's attention turned to the short and scrawny anbu member who had a bottle of Black Tea in his hands... Who was also laid down on the floor.
"Ow! My back! My back! My neck and my back!" He screamed out, wincing around.
A man who was mopping the floor on the other isle, leaned on the shelf and scowled, looking down at Kohaku on the floor.
"I'm gonna' sue this store! I want a HUNDRED THOUSAND ryo! A BILLION ryo!... But we can settle this, I won't sue unless I get a free drink..." Kohaku told to the man.
"Kohaku! What are you doing?" Shiro asked to his anbu partner who was laid down on the floor.
The smallest of the two anbu rolled his eyes, whispering, "Shiro? You know how much you can get for a slip and fall in a corner store?"
"Man! It ain't even wet over there! Get your punk ass up! Get outta' here!" The man who was mopping scorned.
"Alright, Alright!... How about one lottery ticket?..."
The man glared.
"A lolli-pop?"
He bared his teeth.
"A free hug?"
He pointed to the corner store's door.
Kakashi rolled his eyes, as the clerk bagged their items and they left out the store.
"Way to go, Kohaku." Iruka scolded, slouching down and frowning.
"Yeah, don't sweat it... Because I got a free bottle of black tea!"
*Silence*
Oink! Oink! Oink!
Translation: Guys, Guys, Guys!
The men's silence was broken by Ton-Ton's hooves patting against the ground and his heavy breathing. Not to mention the frantic oinks that emitted from the pig's throat.
Everyone stopped to look at the pig, that stopped running and was almost out of breath.
"... Isn't that the cutie's pet pig?" Kohaku questioned, taking a swig from the bottle of black tea. "Which cutie? Shizune? And that's Ton Ton..." Guy answered. "You think Shizune's cute, Guy?" Iruka questioned, opening the bottle of water he brought. Guy looked to his left, then to his right and then up and down. His cheeks were flushed with colors of light pink. Even though he had tan skin, you could still see his slightly blushing skin.
"Who me? S-Shizune ? Cute? No way! Why on earth would I think of something, so-so-so... What's the word... UNYOUTHFUL!" He stammered, slighly glaring at Iruka.
Iruka gave him a "psshh!" And waved him off. "It's not a bad thing to think of someone to be cute. Lighten up... However... Do you think it is silly to love and desire for a woman playing hard to get?" He retorted, thinking to himself a bit.
Guy rolled his eyes, "Look, we all know how much you like Anko... But let's face it. Kakashi's tappin' that."
The silver haired jonin's visible eye widened and he flustered, "What? Me?... No, no, no! Ohhh, no!... And Guy, you? Using the phrase, tappin' that?... That sounds a little unyouthful to me you know..." Guy thought for a moment before panicking. "Oh no! These kid's words... They're rubbing off on me!" He screamed, exhaling heavily.
"Dude, dude... Calm. Down." Shiro chanted, fanning Guy with his hands.
Ton-Ton's thoughts:
What a load of boloney these guys are. Did they even acknowledge the fact that I'm here?...
Oink! Oink! Oink! The pig squealed, standing on it's hind legs.
Everyone's eyes flickered to the pig, who was trying to tell them something.
Ton-Ton's words that come out as oinks:
Come quick! Tsunade, Shizune and Anko are in trouble! Assistance is needed... GREATLY!
Through Kakashi, Iruka, Guy and the Two Anbu's eyes:
Oink! Oink, Oink, Oink, Oink!
! ! ! !
The men stared at the pig that went snorting and oinking on.
"What... Does the pig wanna' play sharades or somethin'?" Kohaku asked. "... I don't think so..." Shiro whispered, grinning wryly at the pig.
"So... What's it saying?... I mean, none of us speak pig..." Iruka commented, glancing down at Ton-Ton as she continued to oink and snort away.
Ton-Ton's words that come out as oinks:
What the hell are you all staring at? COME QUICK! Kakashi, your girl-friend is in trouble! Iruka, your dream wife is in trouble! Guy, my master and her drunk bitch is in need of help! Kabuto Yakushi and some other creature has returned for chakra to gather for Orochimaru!
Stop STARING at me as if I'm speaking some foriegn language!
Oink! Oink, Oink, Oink, Oink!
! ! ! !
"I think the pig is in need of some Anko therapy..." Iruka whispered as Ton-Ton sweat-dropped.
"Aye... You know what's so ironic?" Kohaku questioned, squatting down to Ton-Ton's level.
"No, bro. Lay it on me." Shiro retorted.
Kohaku pointed to Ton-Ton and sighed, "Pigs understand every word us people say. But we don't understand ANY words pigs say."
Ton-Ton's Thoughts:
It's so shocking that an idiot like you knows that... And that doesn't deserve any irony. At all.
"Kohaku?"
"Yeah, Kakashi?"
"You don't know the meaning of irony do you?"
"... No. I don't."
"Then... Please, shut up."
"... Stop putting so much emphatis on please, please."
"You just did it."
Oink! OINK! OINK!
Both of You, SHUT UP! Listen to me!
"I think, the pig's getting mad." Shiro blurted out, scratching his head.
"... I know this is bad timing..." Iruka started to say. "But... If you two are anbu, why the hell are you not wearing any masks?" He questioned.
"We were told we didn't earn the right to wear one." Kohaku defensivly retorted. "Yeah! And after this mission, we will be getting our fucking masks! Oh yeah!" Shiro rejoiced, slapping Kohaku on the back.
"Yeah!... And ouch, Shiro. That hurt..." Kohaku whispered.
Ton-Ton hit the floor in defeat.
Oink...
These imbeciles... *sniffle* Sowwie, Shizune-sempai... And Bitch Tsunade... And Crazy Anko...
Kohaku's attention turned to the pig and he gasped. "He's dead!" He yelled, attracting the attention of innocent bystanders who walked throughout Konoha. Iruka rolled his chocolate brown eyes, slapping the small and scrawny anbu on the forehead. "Shut the fuck up... And I'm pretty sure, Ton-Ton's a girl." He hissed.
"You don't gotta' be so mean..." Kohaku murmured, rubbing his forehead. Shiro bent down to examine the exhausted pig. He abruptly turned back to the other males; his dark colored eyes glowing with a mysterious light.
"You know man, a ninja like me got expirence in this type of thing." He softly articulated.
Pssh! What kind of ninja are you? Iruka thought.
Ton-Ton cracked one eye open and raised her head up.
Oink, Oink...?
What chu' talkin' bout', ninja?
"Ninja's do wrong to each other sometimes and in that way the force of the earth come around the moon and at that presense, the dirt, it overshadows the grass. And you like, I can't cut this grass man! There's no sun coming through. So, in order to enable each other, the two fruits look each other in the eye and understand we can only be ripe as to ripe is wrong... You know what I mean?" He articulated to everyone.
Oink... Oink...
A true face-palming moment... We're doomed...
"Kakashi?"
"Yes, Guy?"
"... You know, I never thought I'd see the day when the only person talking any damn sense is damn pig."
"Agreed. Humanity has lost all intelligence."
Iruka butted in their conversation.
"Who the hell would even pass these two clowns on as ANBU?..." He questioned as the three men stared at Kohaku and Shiro who was busy talking... Again!
"You want to just follow Ton-Ton?" Guy asked.
"Yes." Kakashi replied.
"Yeah." Iruka retorted.
Moments later
"Yeah man! I totally fucking agree!"
The two Anbu exchanged satisfied glances before looking around.
"Hey... Where's Kakashi and the others?"
-Tsunade's Office-
"Are the preparations complete?" Hidomaru asked to a working Kabuto.
Kabuto was silent for a moment before breaking his intense gaze. "Yes. Soon enough, all of their chakra will be extracted. Including Orochimaru-sama's chakra and DNA." Kabuto whispered, placing the scapel down that he held in his hands.
Anko's Thoughts:
I still don't see why they had to take off our shirts... Plus what if Kakashi and Iruka saves the day? Look at the bra that I'm wearing. It's plain with basic lacings, but black... They say that black is sexy... But will it be sexy enough for those two?...
Wait a fucking second... Ew! Iruka? Save the day? Nahh... Kakashi, yes. Iruka, no.
Tsunade's Thoughts:
You're one to complain... I wasn't even wearing a bra...
Shizune's Thoughts:
... Too much information, Lady Hokage...
Anko's Thoughts:
Shizune... Be quiet. You're the one who got caught for talking WAY TOO LOUD and got your mouth taped, AGAIN.
Shizune's Thoughts:
Whatever... Atleast I'm not caught in a love-triangle with Kakashi and Iruka.
Tsunade's Thoughts:
Shut up the both of you!... I'm in a crisis... My fucking breasts are out in the open!... I bet Orochimaru controls the mind of that Hidomaru guy, and he had them rip our shirt's off JUST to see our breasts!
Anko's thoughts:
Ew. Incest between me and my former sensei... No. And... Not to be a downer.. But are you sure, those boobs of yours are not implants?...
Shizune's Thoughts:
Anko~ You were hesitant when you and that snake's relationship was questioned... And Incest?... Truly a dumb thing to think. You two are not brother and sister.
Tsunade's Thoughts:
Hmph! I can't believe you would say the impossible, Anko!... They're not implants... And yeah, Shizune's right. It would not be called incest. Now hurry up and do something to COVER MY CHEST. NOW.
Shizune wiggled her leg around and used her foot to drag a scrap of disgarded cloth. She raised her leg up, and tossed the fabric, half-hoping and praying that it landed on her superior's chest.
Tsunade let out a sigh filled with relief when the cloth hit her breasts, covering them up completely.
Anko's Thoughts:
What a relief... If I had to look at your boobs for another second... Icha Icha life would have flashed before my eyes... And Shizune, I didn't know you were flexable.
Shizune's Thoughts:
Yes, I am. ... Wow... They have lesbians in that book?... Kinky...
Anko's Thoughts:
Well DUH. Jiraiya made it! When we get out of this mess, I'll have to guide you and let you read some.
Tsunade's Thoughts:
In fact, I have the whole chapter list of the first book laid out in my mind.
Chapter 1: The Snake and The Mouse
Chapter 2: Meetings in the Library
Chapter 3: The Wetness inbetween- - -
Anko and Shizune's Thoughts:
WOAH! You? Read? Icha Icha?...
Tsunade's Thoughts:
...
W-What? Heheh, don't be crazy! No, no, no!... Me? Read Icha Icha? Haha... No!
Kabuto's Thoughts:
I hate to interupt your little chick and female conversations... But, I'm pretty sure people are getting a bit bored and they would like some action.
The Female's Thoughts:
You heard what we were thinking the whole time?
Anko's Thoughts:
Oh HELL NO!
When we get out of this mess, who thinks I should 'Surprise Ninja' this bastard?
*Ahem*
"Now, before we can proceed with extracting your chakra, any last words?" Hidomaru asked, stifling laughter.
"Oh, that's right! You can't talk because your mouth is taped!" He chuckled, as his tongue aloofly fell out his mouth.
Anko glared and wiggled around in the wooden chair. She was overwhelmed with anger. Too bad the ropes bound her tightly to the chair.
"Trying to run off somewhere?" Hidomaru whispered to Anko; He blew hot air into her ears and used his tongue to lick her cheek. She shook her head over and over, glaring her light brown, pupil-less eyes at him. If that tape was removed from her mouth, she would go off.
Tsunade's amber-colored eyes flickered to Anko's light brown eyes and then to Shizune's dark colored eyes.
"Sui! ! !" Yelled a voice as an extended leg came crashing through the wall. Hidomaru and Kabuto backed out of harm's way, as they tensed and became alert.
"I am the man who hates when women scream between their legs! I am the man who- - -"
"Mmm! Mmm!" Anko's words were muffled by the tape.
(Her words: Just untie us already and shut the hell up!)
Kabuto clicked his tongue in annoyance, before grasping a kunai in his hand. "Do we really have to do this?... I mean, our job could be done by now. But, nooooo, you just had to come." He complained, striking forth at Guy. He evaded the attack, swinging his leg upward, it followed downward mimicing a crescent kick and an axe kick. The heel of his foot banged against Kabuto's fore-head, causing his glasses to fall off. He closed his eyes, holding his forehead and hit the floor, wincing.
"Yeah! So youthful!" Guy rejoiced, clenching a fist. He started to dash towards Hidomaru, swinging his clenched fist. His knuckles crashed into the jaw of his scaley skin. The half man, half serpent, hit the floor with a thud.
Guy placed his hands on his hips, flashing his one million dollar smile. "Now... Did I do good or what?" He asked to himself.
"Mmm! Mmm!" All of the women yelled through the tape.
(Just get us out of this already!... DAMN.)
"Oh yeah... I almost forgot." He remarked, rushing over to Anko, Tsunade and Shizune.
Guy gripped the edge of the tape on Anko's mouth, and he ripped it off.
"Ouch! Damn it! You could have did it slowly and softly, now untie me!" She yelled.
He just rolled his eyes sighing, "Sorry, but Lady Tsunade comes first, and then the cutie- - I mean, Shizune." He stood next to Tsunade, slowly removing the tape from her mouth.
She smiled, nodding her head. "Thank you, Guy."
He nodded his head once, before rushing over to Shizune. As he started to take the tape off of her mouth, he shook a little.
Shizune licked her chapped lips, letting out a heavy sigh. "Thanks, Guy." She whispered, as her lips curved into a small smile. "G-Gee... No, problem, Sh-Shizune..." He murmured back, scratching the nape of his neck.
. . . . .
"Okay, can we cut this crappy bull-shit and untie me, now." Anko screeched. Guy slightly winced at the harshness laced in her tone.
"Fine... We'll untie you know..." He muttered to himself, tugging on the thick ropes. With a few twists, tugs and pulls, including untangling a huge knot, the ropes that bound Anko were loose. She was able to shake the ropes off of her. A heavy sigh escaped her parted lips. She stood up, streching her tired and aching muscles.
Anko turned around just to find Guy staring at her. "What?" She asked, in an oblivious tone.
"W-Why a-are you..."
The two red-wood doors swung open and in strode Kakashi and Iruka. They were both alert but the tension faded when they gazed at Anko.
She turned to them, holding her arms out. "What? What are you guys staring at?" She asked, trying to follow where their gaze rested.
I-I... I must be in h-heaven! Iruka screamed on the inside.
... Woah... She has some nice... ... ... Assets... So plump and-and... Kakashi started to think, blushing a bit.
"Okay, are you three going to be fucking weirdos or untie, me? The HOKAGE!" Tsunade snapped, thrashing around in the office chair that she was tied to. The three men snapped out of their dazes and Guy rushed over, quickly untying the ropes for Tsunade and Shizune. The two women stood up, dusting themselves off.
"Now, turn around." Tsunade said. (More like demanded)
The three men, turned their backs to the women and they dropped to the floor, picking up their supposed disgarded clothing.
*Moments Later*
"Do you think this is right?" A skepical Shizune asked, glancing down at the shirt she wore, which was Anko's tight fishnet mesh shirt. The shirt fit tightly around her body and clung to her skin.
"I don't think so..." Tsunade remarked, examining the black blouse that Shizune wore on occasions... That she now had on. Of course, her crevices was revealed throughout the top; After all, it was a "V Neck" designed shirt.
"Pssh, you're telling me." Anko muttered, holding out her arms to show the baggy no-sleeved top that Tsunade wore. The shirt wouldn't fit Anko no way, once so ever. In fact, her bra still showed, even with the shirt on.
"What's not right?" Iruka asked, turning around. His eyes flickered over every woman in the room and they widened. He gulped as his eyes roamed over Anko's curvy figure, Tsunade's busty figure and Shizune's fit figure. "Wow..." He mouthed.
"Baka! Who the hell told you to peek!" Tsunade yelled, putting her hands on her hips. Little did she know, whenever she did that, her large chest bounced with her anger.
(... xD ... Lol, anyone ever notice in the anime whenever Tsunade's mad, or whenever she huffs in anger, her chest bounces? Heheh!)
She crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him. "Turn the fuck around before you receive a QUARTER'S pay for this mission!" She threatened, holding a fist up at him.
"Lady Tsunade watch out!" Shizune yelled, as Hidomaru stood up, stumbling towards her.
All of a sudden, a small figure came crashing through the large glass window on the other side of the office.
The room lit up with a shining blue light. A sound reminiscent of birds chirping filled the silence in the office. And here came Sasuke Uchiha, using Chidori on Hidomaru. Hidomaru let out a high pitched scream, as Sasuke thrust his hand into the creature, giving him a fatal blow and he smashed all the way, through the wall of Tsunade's office.
"Damn it! When this is over, all of you fuckers WILL fix this place up!" She yelled. Sasuke inhaled and exhaled heavily, wincing at the small shards of glass that was lodged in different parts of his body. He glared at Kakashi, screeching, "You mean to tell me... All this time... You've been loitering around Konoha reading that STUPID book of yours, with two anbu idiots, that weird green-loving jounin and the desperate tan jounin, and the female jounin? S-Rank Mission my butt! We could have been training! And to think you are always late to practice and- -" The young Uchiha went on and on, babbling while everyone stood dumb-founded at what hell he had just done. Sure Kabuto, managed to slip away without them noticing (Yeah, they still didn't notice and will never notice) and Sasuke wrecked Tsunade's office some more... But he killed Hidomaru, Orochimaru's latest Expirement and Offspring, not to mention, he was getting on Kakashi... Harshly.
... I never thought I'd be hearing this from Sasuke... Usually Naruto babbles on like this... What's next? Someone goes gay or lesbian? Kakashi questioned to himself.
Tsunade's busted doors opened, just to reveal the two anbu, Kohaku and Shiro.
"Oh shit! Oh fuck! You see what that kid did? He came crashin' through the window and shit and was like, BAM! Chidori! Oh shit, ninja!" Kohaku exclaimed, bouncing around with excitement. "Yeah, ninja! Now that the snake-fucker-man is dead, we can get PAID!" Shiro rejoiced.
Kohaku skipped over to the dead Hidomaru and spat, "And one other thing! What you didn't see comin'... Shiro and me... We're gay!"
Everyone was silent, even the pissed off Sasuke Uchiha.
See, I knew it... This day just gets weirder and weirder... I think I'm going to ignore this conversation... And stare at Anko's... ... ... Assets... Maybe later... We can make-out... Kakashi thought to himself, smirking under his mask, at the thought.
Shiro looked around, and perked his lip up. "What? I ain't gay." He said.
Kohaku's smug smile faded and he turned his head around, retorting, "What?... But what about that club you took me to?"
"They play good music."
"What about our trip to Sunagakure...?"
"I wanted to go shopping."
"... What about our pictures with the Raikage...?"
"He makes pictures look good."
"... But what about today, when you said we were taking a shit and you were actually sucking my di-"
"Man, whatever! I'm not gay, point blank, dude!" Shiro shouted, interuppting Kohaku's interesting sentence.
.. .. .. .. .. .. ..
. . . .
. . . . .
"Should I 'Surprise Ninja' these homosexual narcs and then have their minds wiped... So they can start over their horrible lifes... And actually pass their ANBU academy...?" Anko blurted out in the awkward silence.
*Everyone's Dream of the Hokage*
"Boo-ga-Boo-ga-BOO!"
"Ahhh!"
"Hey, hey, calm down..."
"... The Third Hokage?... What are you doing in my dream?... And... Why are you young and good-looking?"
...
"I'm not the Third Hokage in your dream. I'm just a ninja... Who is nominated to become the Hokage. But listeennnnn upppppp!" He popped his lips at the "P".
*shivers*
"Can you not sound like a ghost?"
...
"But it's fun..."
"So.
"Geez... But anyways... Hahaha!"
"Can you get on with this...?"
"Alright.. We're just gonna' broadcast this to everyone..."
*Waits paitently*
"So... Uh where are you exactly, Sarutobi... It looks like you're in a book store... Or video-store of some sort."
*Sarutobi ignores the question*
*Gets out video camera, and starts to video tape*
*Sarutobi clears his throat*
"*Ahem*. Yall, watching this tape right now... That means I didn't make it... Either I'm a prisoner or worse... Dead. But either way it goes, I'ma tell yall the rules to surviving a situation like this.
Rule number one. You gotta' be quick.
Rule number two. Never look back.
And rule number three. Whatever you do, DON'T FALL.
*Gulps*
Now yall, wish me luck.
...
Snatch and Run!
*grabs awhole bunch of Icha Icha and porn videos*
"Aye! Come back here muther-fuckers!" The clerk yelled. *gets out gun*
*BANG, BANG*
"Son of a Gun!" He screamed as Sarutobi and the others escape*
*Video ends*
(x_.x)
"So... What should I do now Hokage? Please repeat."
(-_-)
"Fuck it. Get yourself killed."
Done. This was long and I know it. Was this chapter worth the long wait? And that may be the last that you see of Kohaku and Shiro. They were convient at the time. Like it? Was it funny? Made you laugh? Hated it?
And, an announcement!
School starts for me in a couple of days! So expect updates on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays! It really depends on how much homework and shit I get on other week-days!... Not like I do it anyways! Haha!
Well, since I live in south Florida, I have a couple of days off for Memorial Day, which is the Monday after the Aug. 20th Monday...?...
Yeah, I'm a teenage girl who doesn't pay attention to her state's holidays! A couple of words:
Dubstep, Fanfiction, Red-Velvet Cake, Anime, Manga, Writing and FScene8. That's all my love and devotion!... And Family, Friends and other stuff... INCLUDING all guys who I'd marry and who are hot... Not all of them... Heheh!
Anyways, you know the usual, Review PLEASE! Pweddy Please! Reviews makes this teenage girl SO fucking happy! Free huggles for everyone who reviews! Thank you to everyone who alerted/favored/reviewed! Thank you SO much!
Thanks For Reading!
And another thing: Should I stick with this love triangle thing with Iruka, Anko and Kakashi..? It'll be hard to decide who she'll actually end up with!... But I'm thinking of something completly naughty and limey, not lemony for Kakashi and Anko... Not explicit... Or yes to explicit...? I'd like some input from readers, so don't hesitate to review or P/M me with ideas, criticism, concepts or requests!
Oh yeah, plus Updating-wise... I'm not sure about the status of my computer... I can still type, and do stuff on it, it's just that stupid virus is EVIL and it's killing me cuz' It will NOT leave me alone when I TRY TO GO ON THE FUCKING INTERNET! Stupid pop-ups and shit! It's like some bastard who lives in this twisted world of ours, literally has the time of the day to go and make that fake mess and then control everything it does! And I'm not trying to get a life-time grounding from my step-dad if that shitty virus shows up on his lap-top, so... We'll have to see! My computer was punishing me because whenever I went on the internet, I'd NEVER type "www." Never. My bro claims that when you don't do that, you hurt the computer!
*plays inspriational music*
So everyone. From now on, promise me that you'll type that "www." stuff! Kay... Nah, I'm joking, it's too much work... Well, I'll do it on occasions. I promise!
(These A/Ns are so long... Anyone else agree?)
Next Chapter: a surprise for Kakashi/Anko fans... Yeah, their gonna do some stuff... More into everyone's dreamscapes... Will she ACTUALLY become a normal therapist? Nah, you'll have to wait and see!
And Omifuckingosh. Who heard about that bitch, *cough* Kristen Stewuart *cough and her cheating on Robert(Rob for short) *sniffle* (I loveee him) Pattinson? She did him SO wrong. I hate her now. Who else is gonna' think *awkward...* when watching Breaking Dawn part 2? Haha!
Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan
P.S: I happen to have many ideas circulating in my head which is ridiculous (but amazing) simply because I got so much to start and finish, BUT, they're really good, so I'm writing them all and finishing them before I publish. And yes, most are Naruto stories.
Well that's all!
Reviews, pwease! :3