Isn't it some fuck shit because it took me this long to update, Anko The Therapist? Sorry guise, but my mind has really been elsewhere. As much as I get a kick out of writing fanfiction, please readers, getting a shitload of alerts, favorites and reviews, I took a break. I focused on other works and sort of left this one in the dust.
I had been working on this chappie, but it ended up being halfway done and I lost interest in this chapter alone.
However, here's that update!
My imagination doesn't get as wild as it does with the epic saga one with Orochimaru/Kabuto and uh, Hidomaru, but it's here!
WARNING: This chapter contains what may be considered as Iruka bashing! AND MAJOR FOUL LANGUAGE!
Replies to Reviewers:
(Chappie 6 and 7)
Mage: Well, hello there! Welcome to the craziness! Now, I can see that you said that is is crazy... BUT YOU LIKE IT! That brings a smile to my face! (^u^)
It's Anko. So what did cha' expect? This isn't some normal therapist fic... I'll tell you that! Heheh, enchoy this chappie! Anko... Normal. It's anything, BUT.
Jimmy: Hey dude. Thanks for chur reviews! Ah, and yes, thank you again. You could say I had the fucking plague. I felt like COMPLETE shit. But, I'm back. And better. Glad you like the chappies, and here's that update! It's funny when Guy and Kakashi play rock, paper and scissors, though. So I HAD to put that up in there... With the epic twist.
LeMemeFox: Kakashi, my little pervert! -insert pedophile grin- I dunn think she'll get normal... Not in this story. I am however planning a short chappie where something to that effect happens. Poor Iruka, heheh, I hate to kinda bash him, so that's why in this chappie... There isn't as much... That also might be a lie. Haha!
JerrieHiguarashi16: Yo chica! How's ya been? Thank chu, hehe! I miss ya, too! But anyways, I'm done with Kristen Stuewart... She's WAY too slutty and is unforgiven by me. Blah, blah, blah! I did my best to make it funnay, hehe! Enchoy this one! It's all for the Iruka/Anko fans... If there is any... Poor Iruka. So what, who do people prefer him paired with?
Yeah, who do you all prefer Iruka to be paired with?
-insert GIANT question mark-
Anko, The Therapist.
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Disclaimers: I do not own no one in this chappie, or at all. I do ownz the plot, *smacks lips* Okay? Mmmhhhmmm! Yeah, this crniggadian is a soulll sista'! Haha! Kishimoto-sempai owns the characters, even Orochimaru! (Who I would let rape me... Sadly. I'm weird. You should all know that.)
Now, shall I introduce our two main characters for ze chappie?
Crowd: Yes!
Anko: Hey people, dudes, dudettes, zombies, fucktards and Iruka.
Iruka: ... So, why do I qualify for my own category?
Anko: Because.
Iruka: Because what?
Anko: You're lammmmmeeee, babes.
LeMemeFox: HA!
Jimmy: Burn.
Jerrie: Poor Iruka-babbeh!
Iruka: Screw you all... That's why this chapter is about ME.
Anko: Yeah... And the fact that you have no *BLOCKS OUT*
Kumi: Chick, we aren't trying to give away the whole ordeal about the chappie!
Enough of our babbling!
Written By: Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan
Chapter 8: Iruka's Problem
Starring:
Anko Mitarashi
Iruka Umino
Etc
WARNING: This chapter may contain slight Iruka bashing. So sorry, guy. Not the Guy, but just the word guy. Hehehehhh!
-insert Peter Griffin laugh-
"So... Tell me again... Why and how your pussycat died." Anko slurred, getting her most aloof and bored-out-of-my-fucking-mind expression written all over her face. The elderly woman sniffled and blew her nose that glowed bright red from the pressure, into a tissue.
She took a deep breath before whining, "I-I already told you... He... he... fell out of a tree!" She burst out crying once again.
A heavy and irritated sigh escaped Anko's mouth. "There. There. It's okay." She coaxed, sarcasticness, dripping from her tongue, on every word.
"Y-Yes. Th-Thank you, deary... -Puss was such a nice... loyal kitty..." The lady sighed. Anko nodded her head, picking up the clip-board and writing: this elderly bitch is so annoying with her stupid cat. I. Want. Dango. She let out another exhale before her eyes flickered up at the sobbing old lady. "Wait... If Mr. Pussy Cat fell out of a tree, how come... No ninja caught him, or you didn't inform anyone?... Plus, I'm pretty sure those tired old bones of yours has some strength left or chakra to get that cat down." She slurred, waiting for the lady to answer.
"... I'm 91 years old!" The old lady yelled.
"Hey, hey... Don't get no fucking attitude... Doesn't cats have nine-lives or something to that effect?" Anko sassed back.
"He fell out of the tree nine times."
"Well, damn."
Next Patient
"So... Why did you hit Sasuke Uchiha with your shoe again?" Anko asked, boredom laced in her tone. She leaned her elbow on the couch, waiting for the teenage girl to answer her question.
The brunette girl let out a sigh, before continuing to chew her gum.
"Be-CAUSE, I, like, asked him on a date, and that... that mean boy didn't even answer! Plus when I followed him, he gave me the most meanest look ever and stuck the gum that I offered him in my perfect hair!" She whined.
Yep, that's Uchiha, alright. Anko thought.
Next Patient
"So... Why did you tap your teeth, too much to the fact that it annoys everyone?" Anko questioned to an aloof Kiba, who kept on tapping his canine teeth.
"Well, people say they look like fangs!" He told her, gaping into the mirror that was behind her, and continuing to tap the pearly, white canine "fangs" that he had.
Next Patient
"So... Why did you send a swarm of bees to chase Konohamaru?" The violet-haired woman asked, smirking a bit at the stoic Shino.
"..."
"Are you going to be silent this whole session?" She questioned to Shino's silence.
"..."
All of a sudden, a misquito landed on Anko's arm and she slapped it before it could bite her.
Shino's eyes widened under the black-tinted glasses that he wore. He stood up, heading for the door.
"What? Where are you going?" Anko asked, watching him leave out the door.
Seconds Later
"Holy shit! Roach! Roach! Holy fuck! Roach! Help me! A stupid, nasty fucking roach is in my apartment!" Anko yelled at the top of her lungs.
Next Patient
"You know how I was obsessed with cheese?... Well, now I have a craving for dango... And pie... And cheese-cake." Chouji sighed.
Anko's eyes twitched. "When are you NOT obsessed with food?"
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"You're a fatass." - "Get out of my apartment."
Choji's squinted eyes widened. "Well, then!"
Next Paitent
...
"So, um... Why are you here again, Akamaru?..."
"Arrf! Woof! Arrf!"
...
"And how does that make you feel...?"
"Aaarrrf!"
End of the day
Man... What a bunch of chuckle-heads... Anko thought. I didn't know if I could get through the day... Phew! Thank you, Kami. Thanks. For once, you did somethin' good for me... other than blessing the land with dango.
Letting out a sigh, she settled down in the tub, filled with hot water and a little bit of bubbles.
"Peace and quiet... at last..." She murmured to herself, closing her eyes.
Tonight, she was going to get Anko Time.
What was Anko Time? Oh, nothing special. Just a lot of hours, reading Icha Icha books, eating boxes of dango, drinking sake, and last but not least, messing, with, Iruka.
A satisfied smile crept into the features of her face as she thought about how much fun she was going to have tonight. While normal therapists would be settling into bed for the next day, she would be having fun, wrecking havoc and most of all: EATING DANGO.
Oh, yeah. Life was good for this violet haired woman.
She let out another relaxed sigh, leaning her head on her shoulder.
All of a sudden, in a poof of smoke, Tsunade appeared.
Mitarashi jumped up, nearly splashing water all over the place and the Hokage.
"God damn, Tsuande!" She shouted at the top of her lungs. "What's the big idea! You need to seriously learn not to be doing that shit anymore. Poofing up in here... Out of nowhere... Almost making me scream in fear..."
Tsunade's amber colored eyes narrowed. She placed her hands on her hips, huffing, "And Mitarashi, you need to learn how to speak properly to your Hokage!"
Anko settled back down in the water, pouting a bit. "Yeah... I know..."
Tsunade's sudden angry expression changed to modest and satisfied. "Great!" She chimed. "Now that we both have an understanding... I'd like to announce that... I have another mission for you."
A loud and annoyed groan escaped from the back of Anko's throat.
"Hey! Don't you give me that attitude!" Tsunade snapped, huffing once more. "I left the scroll containing the information on your bed. The mission must be complete by morning; 7:00 a.m, to be exact."
Letting out an exhausted sigh, Anko reluctantly nods her head, waving the Lady Hokage off. "Alright, Alright..."
And with that, the Hokage poofs away.
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"You're late, Anko!" The tanned jounin remarks, smiling as a tired and annoyed Mitarashi dragged herself to meet him at Konoha's gates.
Just fucking great... Getting stuck of a DAMN mission with this guy. She complains in her head. Letting out another sigh, Anko stopped at the gates, examining him from head to toe.
"You seem extra happy tonight, Buck-O..." She dryly retorts to his cheerfulness.
Iruka flashes her a toothy grin, scratching his head. "Why, yes." - "Yes, I am."
"Do you want to know why?" He adds, closing his eyes and laughing nervously. Because I'm with you.
He couldn't tell her that. There's no way in hell.
1. He didn't have the guts to do it and we're all pretty sure that when he did, he'd shit his pants.
2. He didn't know how she was going to react.
3. He had no hair on his balls.
It's all sad.
Anko rolled her pupil-less, light brown eyes. "No, Iruka." - "I do not want to know."
He shrugged his shoulders, slightly. "I'll tell you anyways." - "W-Well... Uh... This mission seems interesting... And... Dangerous!" He chirps, holding up a fist. "I can't wait to feel my adrenaline pumping! I just can't wait!" Yeah, keep up this tough talk, Iruka! She likes it! Keep on feeding her the bait!
"And... I'll get to smash stuff! And-And... Kill some bitches!" Iruka was so caught up in his "Man-talk" that he didn't notice Anko's expression of annoyance and disbelief. Placing her hands on her hips, she rolled her eyes, once more.
"Iruka?"
"Y-Yes, Anko?"
"You and I both know you don't have hair on your balls." - "Chill out with all of that bullshit coming out of your mouth..." She trails off and starts walking out the village gates.
"Let's get a move on, so I could get back to my cozy apartment and eat dango." She adds in, waving for him to follow her.
Letting out a heavy and depressing sigh, he nods once. "Coming, Anko..."
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"Hmmm..." - "It's quiet here... Too quiet here..." Anko comments to herself, examining an "abandoned" rough city. From the looks of the tattered/battered buildings, the heavy construction needed on the buildings and considering the fact that no one was walking around, one might consider it to be abandoned.
"Abandoned?" Iruka asks, looking around.
No one in sight.
"Pssh!" He scoffs. "Anko, their just sleeping."
"Iruka don't do anything stup-"
But it was too late.
He cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Hellooooo~!"
As he shouted that, a crash was heard. Iruka squealed out of fear, leaping around. He ended up in Anko's arms. Yep. She was holding him bridal style, while he shook because he was scared.
Anko's Face:
(»_»)
"Iruka. Like I said before... You have NO fucking hair on your balls." She dropped him to the floor, making him land hard on his ass.
Anko continued to walk around, examining the "abandoned" rouge city.
Is this a ghost town or what? She thought.
The mission said clearly in bold letters, INVESTIGATE THE ROUGE CITY AT THE EDGE OF KONOHA.
That's all they had to do?
Who know's?
Anko sure as hell didn't care.
The violet haired woman shrugged her shoulders; she flips the scroll over.
Found something? No.
She turned it backwards.
Something new? Nope!
Anko then turns it upside down.
Any clue... At all?
Fuck no.
Just that little piece of information.
INVESTIGATE THE ROUGE CITY AT THE OUTSKIRTS OF KONOHA.
Are you kidding me, Lady Tsunade? Anko thought. She shakes her head in disbelief. Yeah, Anko Time was definately ruined for the night...
Except... She could still mess with Iruka...
Anko's gaze turned to the tanned jonin who happened to be glaring at the ground and rubbing his ass, in a soothing motion.
Slowly, she strode over to him, sneaking up behind him.
"Oh! Iruka! Look out!" She screamed in fake terror, startling the man. Iruka let out a high pitch scream and falling to the floor. He looked up to see Anko on the verge of crying. She suddenly burst of with heavy laughter, not stopping for a second.
Anko! He yelled in his mind. Calm yourself, Iruka... Girls like her is what makes a relationship fun... Or want to fucking rip your eyes from their sockets!
Finally snapping out of his thoughts/self-conscious, Iruka slowly stood up. Dusting himself off, he chides, "Ha. Ha. Very funny, Anko..."
The violet haired woman finally stops laughing. With a slight shrug of her shoulders, she let's out a sigh. "Oh, whatever. That little stunt right there was nothing, Buck-O."
She goes on to add, "But... Seriously... Did it freak you out that much?"
Iruka is silent before flustering, "Pssh!" - "Heck- Hell no!" He lets out a nervous laugh before turning the other way. Please believe me, Please believe me...
He turns back around just to face an annoyed Anko. "Yeah, right."
"Now, Iruka... Pull down your pants."
The tanned man's eyes widened. Did I just imagine Anko say that?
He stared at her in awe. She placed her hands on her hips and leaned on one leg. From the expectant look on her face, she was not joking.
"Wh-Why?" Iruka questioned, starting to sweat a bit.
Rolling her eyes, Anko sighs, "Just do it..."
"I want to see something..."
Reluctantly, Iruka starts to unbuckle his belt and slide down his zipper. He unbuttons the button and lets his pants hit the floor. With a heavy gulp, he looks down.
... Underwear with hearts on them...? So Iruka. Mitarashi thinks, examining him head to toe. She notices his sudden tan face turn dead beet red. Don't tell me he thinks... Slapping her forehead, she sighs.
"My examination is done. Pull em' back up."
Iruka's expression suddenly turned glum.
"What... did you want to do?" He questioned, sadness laced in his tone.
"Eh, check to see if you have pubic hair. But, you don't. My accusations were correct."
She waved him on, walking further into the village.
"What accusations?" He questions, offense laced in the tone of his voice.
"I already told you..." She says, walking around, while scanning the village from the left to right. What a strange village... Anko thought. Something ain't right...
"But, Anko..." Iruka whines.
She ignores him. After five minutes, which seemed like forever, the violet haired woman shakes her head.
"It doesn't make sense. And it's almost dawn... Let's just call it quits...?" Anko sighs, turning to face her partner. And what does she see? Iruka, turned around, hands in his pants. He's babbling incoherently about hair and shaking his head. "I don't get what she means... Is not having pubic hair a problem? Could it be a disorder running through my family?... I..."
He went on and on.
Anko rolled her light brown, pupiless eyes in utter annoyance.
She was about to disturb Iruka and his 'thoughts' but all of a sudden, there was a loud Kaboom! which made her slightly jump and Iruka squeal in fear.
Both different pair of eyes diverted to the area of where the explosion came from.
"Sounds like a bomb..." Iruka sighs, glancing at Anko.
"No shit!" She snaps, shaking her head. "Paper-bomb, to be exact." She adds.
Anko begins to sprint over toward the area.
Women... Iruka sighs in his thoughts, before following her.
Moments Later
"I don't see anything..."
"Me neither." Anko admits. Tonight was not looking up for her. Her relaxation was broken, Tsunade gave her a mission that had FUCK SHIT written all over it, and it was with Iruka. Not that Iruka wasn't good looking or wasn't fun or nice to be around, sometimes; it's just that... Well, the violet haired woman was right.
He had NO hair on his balls, meaning that he was a wimp. His true definition was the term, (clean), 'puss-puss'. And that's not the half of it. He didn't know how to have fun and he, honestly was sort of... a bore. Atleast Kakashi had a sense of humor and he had things in common with her.
Take Icha Icha for example. Anko could say, "Sup, Iruka! Come read some of this good ass Icha Icha with me!"
He'd say, "What?! Heck, no! Are you crazy!" Iruka would pause and point to his head, the section where his brain was located to be exact, "I heard that stuff like that, makes your brain rot."
And Anko would say in her mind, while having that annoyed expression, Why I thought?
Back to Reality
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, eerie but child-like giggles were heard. Both of them, quickly got alert and their eyes scanned their surrounds.
Anko caught sight of a small shadow, fleetly dashing past them.
What the hell was that?
There was some more of that creepy laughter.
"Ha-ha! You're no match for me!" A voice yelled.
"No match for fucking who?" Anko yelled to the sky.
"Tiffany!"
Anko was suddenly annoyed and became un-alert.
"Who in the name of Kami is fucking Tiffany?"
"Your worst nightmare!" The person yells, revealing their identity. Iruka starts to shiver in fear. And this really annoyed Mitarashi. "Buck-O, if I tell you that you're pretty, will you man up for atleast 5 seconds?"
He stops shivering, puffs out his chest and holds up a fist. "Hey, Tiffany... Whoever the hell you are... Fuck off! Y-You are NOT welcome here!"
Iruka went back to hiding behind Anko again.
Anko let out a sigh and gawked at what stood before her and Iruka.
Tiffany.
Tiffany was a fucking little kid.
"Oh."
"Woah!" Iruka shrieks, getting a good look at Tiffany.
The kid held up a kunai. "Come on! You wanna' piece of me? Huh? Huh?" The kid taunted. "You're in my secret turf! And where I am, crap like that doesn't fly!"
Anko slapped her forehead. Tsunade sent me on a fucking mission to investigate an abandoned village that is ruled and treated as a 'turf' for a fucking kid named Tiffany.
And what the hell?!
Tiffany isn't even a damn common name for people here in the Five Great Nations... Anko thought, rolling her eyes at each thought she had.
Anko took a step over to the kid. "I'm warning you! You better not come close!" He or She, whatever Tiffany fucking was, yelled holding up a fist. The violet haired woman did not listen and as she stepped closer, Tiffany let off a small land mine, sending Anko flying.
Iruka's eyes widened as he could see little drops of blood flying and as he watched Anko land on the ground with a hard thud.
OH HELL NO! No one hurts my woman!
"I told you lady! I told you!" Tiffany roared, crossing his/her arms over his/her chest.
Iruka started to walk over to Tiffany... menacingly!
By the time Anko awoke from the impact of the mine and her fall, she rose up just to see her leg, bleeding and her ankle twisted. She gritted her teeth at the pain she received but pulled herself together. She managed to gather herself up, but her eyes scanned the area. Iruka was not in sight. Where could he have been?
She started to limp over to the entrance of the gates but paused at the scene in front of her.
"And you better fucking promise you will never, ever, ever, fucking ever, hurt my Anko again!" He shouted, raising his hand and bringing it back down to slap 'Tiffany' hard on the ass. Iruka caught Tiffany, swung the kid over his leg and started tearing that ass up!
Anko started to snicker as Iruka gave Tiffany a lecture on his love for her, while whooping his behind. She shook her head but as soon as he was done, his head snapped up just to see Mitarashi staring at him with a huge smile on her face.
"Uh..." He held up one finger. "... How much of that did you see and hear...?"
"Eh. Just about all of it."
Moments Later
"And thanks again for sort of saving me, Iruka..." She whispered as he carried her back to her apartment door.
Iruka was blushing madly. He was carrying a now bandaged Anko Mitarashi in his arms, bridal style and he got his '15 Minutes of Heroism' when he was carrying Anko and dragging 'Tiffany' who turned out to be Renji Hyuga in disguise. When questioned about why he was in such an unstable environment, he told them, "I got bored. And my pet rocks needed company."
All went well. Except, Iruka and Anko received no pay for the mission at all and it was just a cover-up because while they were out, Tsunade and Shizune were in her apartment, reading her Icha Icha books and drinking her precious sake.
Iruka smiled, when they reached the doors. She took out her key, sticking it in the lock. With a few twists and turns, the door was open.
Anko sighed as Iruka sat her down on the love seat sofa.
"That was pretty brave of you..."
"Enough to... Earn you some hair on those balls of yours..." She joked around, flashing him a crooked smile.
Scratching the nape of his neck, he smiled back. "Heh... Thanks..."
There was a sort silence before Anko rose up from her seat, hopped over to him and gave him a long, lingering kiss... On the cheek.
He turned as red as a tomato.
She points to the door.
"Now, get out..."
"O-O-Okay..." - "Okay..."
A content sigh escapes his lips as he touches his cheek, at the exact spot of where she kissed him.
He unzips his pants and peeks in his boxers.
Her turns around and starts banging on Anko's door.
"Anko! Anko!" He exclaims. "I got one! I got one! I got a cute, little curly hair on my balls!"
-Bang! Bang! Bang!
Who the hell could that be? It better not be Iruka again to tell me about his newly grown pubic hairs...
I got up out of bed, limping to the door.
I open it.
I look to the left, look to the right but then before I'm about to close the door, someone clears their throat. I glance down.
Fucking great.
Renji Hyuga.
He holds up a circular platter.
"I baked this pie for you."
I raise an eyebrow.
"To say sorry..." He adds, fixing his glasses so that they are correctly adjusted on his face.
I'm a bit skeptical about it...
"What flavor is it?" I question, with one eye open.
He pauses for a moment.
"Pie flavor."
Done.
Sorry, but Kumi-Chan rushed. Pssh, I told you I sort of lost interest in this chappie. Not the story, but the chappie alone!
Iruka doesn't suit me like he used to. Don't know why! and imagine Tiffany looking like Tiffany from Adventure Time.
Anyway, tell me what'cha thought. Review!
Rant at me for updating late, whatever you have on your mind.
Stay tooned.
Jimmy!
Lol.
I'd like to hear what you have to say! :D
Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan