As I'm packing, I'm internally panicking. She wrote that letter so hurriedly, some of her words were smudged. She didn't bother with a "Dear Lumina," or even "Sincerely- Petunia Potsdam". What could she mean? Why couldn't she tell me in the letter so I don't have to spend all this time worrying about it? I at least want to know what I should be worrying about! What could be possibly be so wrong? And why now?

It must've just occurred to her. And maybe that's why she needs me over there. It seems everything was going along fine up until now. So it must've been something sudden. Has she discovered something? Is the manus on the loose and I need to be protected? Is the professor alright?!

Could this have to do with the secret studying he mentioned she was doing? Ohhhh, there's just too many things I don't know! Backtrack Lumie. What could you have done to mess this up? Have you done anything wrong?

…Uh.

Ugh!

Hmmm.

Mmm.

Nnngh!

WHAT DID I DO?!

I'm in danger. My life is in danger. If my life is in danger that means the professor is also in danger. How could this have happened? She said that something "vital" was "missing" from my marriage contract.

Missing, missing, what could be missing?

I was assured that love doesn't need to be present in a marriage. So it shouldn't matter that we're not in love. We didn't take any vows of love. Vows… Did I break a vow somehow? No. It would've happened already. Magickal couples don't need to live together either, so it's not that we aren't sharing a household. I've been kind, I've forgiven his mistakes, and I we were able to chat together over tea. I've been plenty courageous, I told him myself I wasn't afraid of him. What do marriages need to remain legal?

Euuh. I know mundane marriages require a written contract, that's if you have a prenuptial. There is a marriage license that needs to be in order before you can even do that. But I don't think that's how it works with magick. Was it the ceremony? No. Then the contract would've never formed at all, the marriage wouldn't have happened. We had a witness, a… Priestess? She's no justice of the peace. Whatever she is, she had the authority to bind us! I would've doubted it, but again, the marriage never would have been possible. We didn't need a blessing from the two families. I remember, it wasn't an arranged marriage.

I did well in school. Very well. It can't be that I've done something horrible enough to be expelled. So what the HELL is wrong?! I slam my palm into the hard floor. It stings, but I could care less. Why are things going wrong?!

The rest of the day is hard. I'm anxious again. For some reason she doesn't want Papa to know, so he can't know why I'm tense. Therefor I cannot be tense. I have to spend this time acting as if nothing is wrong at all. I cook, I clean, I water the plants, I walk around the yards. I can't even talk to Russet right now! Maybe e would have an idea. I could bring em with me. No… If I am in serious peril, I would be endangering em. That would be selfish.

…What if this can't be fixed?

What if I can't be protected after all?

If we can't save me this summer then I'm going to die… I'll die. Am I going to die?

I-I could actually die.

So soon? No. No. I'm not ready to go. There's so much I still have to do. I want to do so many things!

I don't know what happens after death. Some people become earthbound spirits, but spending eternity in purgatory, unheard, unseen? That can't happen!

And not everyone becomes a ghost. Lori. I don't know where she is. I can't even séance her down here. She's unreachable. She doesn't even speak to me through dreams. That's it. Once she was gone. She was gone. I haven't felt her presence or sensed her spirit since. What happens when you go gone? Where is gone?

Is that just it? You're nothing anymore? There is no light at the end of the tunnel? No sense of peace? You don't go "home"? Are you just floating around in nothingness? Are you even aware of yourself? Is it just blackness and emptiness as you rot in the ground?

"Oh, God! Snap out of it Lumie!"

I've lived such an incomplete life! I haven't done anything monumental yet. I can't go.

So will I be another lost soul? Unfulfilled and wandering, hoping for someone to finish what I started? Nu-uh. No way. No! That is not happening to me! Do you hear me world?! I am not going to die! My life was finally starting to go right! I was beginning to actually have a life! You are NOT taking it away from me!

I slap myself hard and fast across the face. Smack! "Get ahold of yourself Lumie!" I need to go wash my face.

After a splash of cold water and dabbing my face with a fuzzy towel, I open the door to find Papa outside the bathroom. "Ah!" I yelp, surprised.

He jumps a little bit. What is he doing on this floor? "Uh. Emergency? Go on in." I hastily move out of the way and leave the door open.

"No. No. I vas just checkink up on you. I vas on my vay to your room but zen I saw you rusch out of sere vith a panicked look on your face. Is sometink zee matter?"

OH… Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

"I'm just, anxious." I admit.

"Hrmf." He grunts, nodding slightly.

He looks anxious himself. "Are you sure, I'm the one who needs checking up on? You seem off."

He shakes his head. "Ahhh…"

"Go on, tell me." I urge softly.

He gives. "You aren't in any pain are you?"

"Pain? No. I feel fine. Why?"

He fidgets slightly. "I sought… You may be hurt."

Why would he- *gasp* Ohhhhh. "You're still feeling guilty about our last duel."

He shuts his eyes. I walk down the hall, signaling for him to follow.

"I just vanted to make sure you veren't puttink on a brave face."

"I wouldn't hide something like that. And Russet's magick is top notch. E would scold you if e heard what you were saying."

He smiles a little, we head down the stairs. Something else is bothering me, I press my luck, hoping this won't make him too uncomfortable. "It was an accident, an accident that I survived. You saw that you made a mistake and you rushed to rectify it. I forgive you okay? I'm not going to look at you any differently, so please quit fretting over it."

"But you can just forgive me? Just like zat? Lumina you almost died!" He raises his voice.

If only he knew how much I've had to forgive.

"Of course, you didn't mean it Papa. And I don't have any permanent damage. If I did, things wouldn't be the same between us. But what happened back there was forgivable."

He seems to understand. Still, he remains tense.

"Papa, there is one thing I don't understand. But I may be wrong."

"And vat vould zat be?" He says quietly.

"When the accident happened, and I was on the ground… I heard you speaking to me. I didn't hear all of it, and you were speaking so fast. Plus I wasn't completely conscious, so I think I may have heard you wrong."

His face shows worry. "But. I thought I heard you say- 'I can't lose you too.'?"

He stops and his pupils swell to nearly mask his snowy blue eyes in cold blackness.

"D-did I? Say something wrong? Like I said, I don't know if I-

"It vas a mistake."

I shut up.

"I didn't mean to say zat. I vas panicked. It's just…" He looks to me. "I sought I vas goink to have to relive zee vorst day of my life. I sought I vas goink to have someone I love die in my arms again. And it vas goink to be my fault."

I gasp. "This has happened before?!"

He releases a long and winded sigh. "Come. I have a feelink vee are goink to be talkink for a vhile."

We sit on the steps. "Ven I saw you, vith your eyes closed and strugglink to breathe. I assumed zee vorst. And ven I checked your vitals, I saw zat you vere slippink avay from me. Your heart vas about to give out."

That gives me a weird feeling in my chest. I'm suddenly more aware of my heartbeat.

"It vas just like ven he died. In my arms, his heart vas givink vay. Only he had a puncture vound srough his chest, and he bled out. He died just like zat. Gaspink for air, eyes shut, in my arms, unable to move. And I could do notink. I could only vatch him die. He called for me… He called my name. Sose vere his last vords."

"Who?" I whisper.

Papa clenches his fist. "Zee love of my life."

No… Don't tell me.

"He vas… Mundane. An American. Hehe. Taught me most of my Englisch. I met him in Germany, he vas a travelink musician. Played zee guitar."

No. No. No.

"I vas younger, just started doink my vork huntink criminals for zee High Court. I had finally become Zee Tempest by zen. He vas young, handsome, foreign, makink good money. Came to my country for a performance. I love music, zat's vat bound us togeser. Our love of music- of zee arts." He continues. "I frequently patroned zee theater. Music soothes zee savage beast as zey say. And it's true. Kept me from goink mad, it did. All zee sinks I've seen, all zee sinks I've done. I vas at zee concert hall for my usual dosage of healink. Zat's vere I first saw him. I heard him sing, I heard him play. And ohhhh, I had never heard a voice so angelic. He sang purely in Englisch, but I didn't care. I hadn't a clue as to vat he vas sayink. But it did not matter, zat did not make it any less beautiful. Ven he sang, I can almost svear time itself stopped to listen."

My heart sinks.

"I vas smitten. Hypnotized by him. I vas a loner, not goot vith people, maybe zat's vhy I stood out to him. It's zee only explanation I have as to vhy he vould remember my face from zee crowd. But after zat performance… I never missed a chance to attend any of his schows. I alvays sat far to zee corner, avay from zee crowd or high up in zee balconies. I admired him from afar. It's not as if I expected us to go anyvhere, to do anysink. Hehehe. I didn't even sink vee vould get a chance to speak to anoser." He swipes back his hair. "Got zee surprise of my life ven he came up to me one day, speakink fluent German! He told me zat he knew I vas a regular, and zat my face vas unforgettable."

In his eyes, I can see Papa going back in time.

"Vell, I'll spare you zee details. He vould approach me after each schow, and I vould barely utter a vord. As much I liked zee lad, I didn't vant anytink to happen betveen us, I vas still in denial zat it could. But it did, somehow. He did most of zee talkink, I simply tolerated him, puschink my feelinks aside. I adored zee man, but he couldn't know zat. Our talks became valks, and our valks became visits and our vistits became…" He clears his throat. "Ven he found out I played zee piano, it vas over. Zere vas no avoidink him now. Vee schared tips, and played togeser, and I suppose a romance vas inevitable."

Papa…

"I'd raser not get too into zat. Years vould pass before vee eventually confessed our love for each oser. And vee began to build a life. I vas on friendly terms vith his parents, he vas vith mine. His parents vere vonderful folk. Zey didn't discriminate, and zat vas rare for zee time period. Back in my time, men couldn't marry oser men. It vas considered, an abomination. But for magick folk- no one vould even bat an eyelash. Zat vould not happen for us however, because he vas a mundane. And ven magick folk marry zee mundane you have to do it zee mundane vay. Vee vould never marry." I hear resentment in his voice.

"I vanted him to live vith me, in my villa. But zen zee var happened, and stayink in Germany vas no longer an option. I could use magick to hide, but he vould never be allowed to find me. Magickal society vouldn't allow it. I couldn't flee from zee var and have him at zee same time. But he had a plan, vee could run to America. I could gain citizenschip, stay vith his parents until vee got our funds arranged. Vee both had money, but nieser of us vere particularly rich. To him, I vas a simple agent-for-hire. A detective of sorts. And he vas a vanderink musician. Money comes and money goes."

He looks far off, almost as if he's not sitting beside me anymore, but that he is someplace else.

"Um… Which war are you exactly talking about?" It can't be.

He knows where I'm getting at. "Vorld Var II, Missy."

Goodness… So you're at least a hundred years old if you were a grown man at the time!

"I made it to zee states, convinced him zat my vork for zee government allowed me easy access to travel papers. And vee did it. Vee kept our relationschip a secret in public, but vee lived togeser in private. His home vas here, in New York."

No wonder you know the city so well.

He puts an arm around me. "Zat does not mean vee didn't do any sneakink around. Zere vere underground clubs and pubs for people like us. But zat vasn't enough. Vee vanted a life, vee vanted a home. I began to make excellent vages. I had a promotion, zis vas ven I became a judge. Our little dream vas beginnink to look closer each day. It vas zis land zat vee vere goink to spend zee rest of our days in. Zis property to be precise. It vas bigger zen, and I vas determined to get as much of it as I could. I vas goink to build a splendid manor from scratch, just for us. It almost happened. You vould've had anoser Papa right now Missy, if it did. It vould've been possible vere it not for zat day… I vas vith him for fifteen years… Before it happened." His eyes glaze over.

"What happened?" I whisper.

"I don't know vhy. To zis day I don't see vhy he had to die… Vas it because he vas gay? Vas it because he didn't conscript into zee army? Vas it because I as his partner vas German? Vas it because vee vere gettink rich and zat made us a target? It vas hate. Hate killed him. Hatred destroyed our little dream. Someone shot him. Right in zee street. I vasn't zere, I schould've been. He vas on his vay home from a gig, vee had a nice apartment at zee time, it vas to be our temporary place until I could afford zee land. Zee bullet hit him square in zee chest. Bystanders fled, and I vas told zee killer shouted out 'Faggot!' before he escaped."

That bastard.

Papa shakes his head, and puts a hand to his face. "It grew dark, too dark. I heard a commotion outside, people runnink down my street. I ventured outside and a couple of blocks later I found him, on zee floor. In a pool of his own blood." Papa's clenched fists begin to tremble. "No one called for help. Zey just left him sere. Because he vas a homosexual. He vas sere, slowly bleedink to death, and zee police never came. I found him." He grits his teeth. "I could've saved him. Zere vas still time! All I had to do vas use my magick. If I used my magick he vould still be alive."

"But you couldn't!" I plea.

"I didn't care. I didn't care if I lost my powers. I didn't care if I lost my position, my memories. I could alvays start again, as a regular man. I just vanted him to live. But I vas out in zee open. Zere vere still people lingerink. Zey ridiculed him! Zey just stood sere and watched him die! I couldn't believe my eyes. I cursed at zem, I called out for help. Zey refused."

This is just… Sick.

"I needed to take him to a secluded spot. If I healed him right zen and zere, it vouldn't have been just me, zee whole magickal community vould be at stake. I vouldn't be exiled, I'd be executed."

"But it's not your fault! It isn't fair!"

"My magick vasn't vat it is now, back zen. I vas skilled, but not skilled enough to hide my actions from Zee Council. I vas goink to do it anyvay. I could've done it right zen and sere and no one mundane vould know. I had zee blue magick to make sure of zat. But zee bystanders zat fled, zey vere still vitnesses. And even if my life vas forfeit, zee officials vould not vaste resources to track down each and every person zat saw zee gunman. Not for a mundane man. I knew zis. Even if I saved him, zee magickal officals vould kill him. Because he had to die, his vound vas fatal. Zere vas no vay to explain it if he survived. Too many people saw, too many people knew. It vas a hate crime." He grips me closer to him. "So I held him, it vas all I could do. He vas already at death's door. He vas so veak, he couldn't even open his eyes… He called my name, spat up blood and zat vas it. He vent limp. Dead."

I exhale, at a loss for words.

There really was nothing he could do.

Think about the medicine during that time. Even if he healed him partially to make it look like he survived naturally, that wouldn't explain how the bullet was removed, or how he could survive such a heavy amount of blood loss. Even if Papa used a blast of magick to clear out the space and make the witnesses in the area forget, that doesn't reach any person who saw and fled or the killer themselves.

The police didn't even arrive for the poor man, what hospital would take him in if Papa somehow bought him time? There would be no explaining his survival, Papa would be stripped of his powers and only delaying the inevitable, because The Council would kill him anyway.

All he could do was watch. Watch the person he loved slip away into lifelessness. In his arms. The man died a slow and painful death, and the people nearby were laughing at him?!

"Did you… Ever find out who did it?"

In this very moment, Papa gives me a look that makes my skin prickle.

"Oh. I DID. I hunted him down. And I killed him. I killed him vith my bare hands!"

How did he get away with that?! …Never mind I don't want to know.

He chuckles darkly. "Heheheh. Did it zee fair vay. So I couldn't be tracked. Didn't use magick. I used money. He vasn't too hard to find after zat. I made sure he suffered before he died. Nice and slow…"

I can sense Papa approaching a state of mind that I don't want him to be in. I need to change the subject.

"What was his name?" I finally let out.

He sighs again, a pained expression on his face. I feel guilt well up in my chest for making him relive this horrible memory.

"He vas born here in America, but his parents vere svedish immigrants, so his name von't sound familiar."

I nod.

"Stellan. His name vas Stellan. It means… 'Calm'."

I close my eyes, absorbing the information... "Calm".

"So you can see vhy I vould let sometink like zat slip, ven you vere lyink on zee ground, as he vas. You looked too similar. It broke me. It brought all of sose emotions back. Only zis time, it vas vorse."

"Worse?"

"I lost him already. I've lived my life and have grown old vithout him. I've dealt vith my grief and made my peace. But for you, dear Lumina. You… You're all I have left of zat dream. I sought I vas goink to lose you too. And if I ever did…" He looks away. "I don't sink I vould recover zis time... I vould go mad. I'd lose it, for sure. Losink you is more zan I can bear. It vould destroy me."

Papa breaks out of character. "Until I came to my senses zat is. I'm a vizard, and luckily, so are you! So I healed you. Vas mighty stupid of me to panic like zat. It's a vaste of precious time. Ahaha! Vat an old fool I've become. Oh vell, all is right as rain."

I'm creeped out by his sudden change in mood. "How about I make dinner?"

Evening is spent chatting lightly over dinner. Papa gives me tips to work on my spell-casting and puts emphasis on me mastering my affinities, not so much trying to do everything at once. The plates are washed and I must head to bed early because I have to wake up at 3:00 am tomorrow to make it to the airport on time.

I keep waking up because I don't know if I should just get up, turn the light on and start writing my will. I shake my head. Shut up, Lumie. You're being an idiot.

It isn't long before my alarm begins blaring, I shut it off with a groan. I barely got any sleep last night. That's it, it's time to go. "Ugh…" I rub my eyes, desperate for more sleep. Curse you, Potsdam, for giving me so much room to doubt! That woman doesn't explain anything that she does. I doubt she even thinks it through, not on how it affects others besides herself.

I scoff. "Pffft. Guess who I sound like." I wash, I dress, I grab my suitcase, my book bag, and I don't forget my letters. Papa takes me to the airport, but not before he buys me a yummy breakfast burrito made with egg whites, mozzarella cheese, chopped cherry tomatoes, salt, pepper and spinach wrapped in a corn tortilla that's all grilled to melty perfection.

Papa makes a pit-stop to the airport newsstand, and sends me off with a hug, kiss and a bag of trail mix to eat on the plane. He wishes me luck and to make him proud. I'm told not to hesitate if I want to come back.

I'm sat next to the window, blankly munching, staring out at the sky, I can't help but fret. Not about me this time, but Papa. About that conversation we had on the steps. My grandfather has been through so much. Too much. It humbles me… I shouldn't be so worried about this trip, about the letter. I shouldn't have been as worried last night as I was, either. And without effort I catch up on some much-needed sleep.