A.N. Exceptionally delayed update. I hope to get this story finished on here by the end of summer, but obviously no promises. Thanks for sticking with me through unintentional lapses in updating =]
River was waiting for him when the Doctor finally returned to his proper TARDIS. He hadn't wanted to go, but Rose had insisted, saying it wouldn't be right of him to stay. Saying that his TARDIS was where he needed to be and her TARDIS was where she needed to be. So he'd left her, tucked into her bed for two, with a kiss pressed to her forehead and a cup of tea on the bedside table in case she couldn't sleep.
Now he was here, in his TARDIS, feeling miles away from Rose, and River was standing before him at the console, her back to him. The Doctor knew he didn't look presentable; his hair mused, his bow tie askew, his tweed still damp. But he couldn't bring himself to feel shame, all he felt was drained, and a gnawing feeling of being apart from Rose. Though, strangely enough, he also felt buoyant, lighter than he had in centuries, because he finally had the chance to apologize to Rose, and she had forgiven him, had even said there was nothing to forgive.
"We need to talk," River said, one finger tapping the rotator column.
"Not tonight, River." The Doctor trudged past her, his voice exhausted.
River spun around, her eyes bright and her expression resigned. "It's always been her, hasn't it?"
The Doctor froze, one step past her, his hearts thudding a double beat in his chest. "Not tonight, please, River."
"Answer the question!"
He grimaced, his teeth grinding together as he spun on his heel. "What do you want me to say?"
She met his anger with perfect calm. "The truth."
This was not a conversation he wanted to be having. He was tired, truly tired, and he wanted to sleep, wash away everything the day had brought and start fresh tomorrow. But everything ends, as Rose had been so determined to remind him. It was time for the Doctor to stop running from River Song.
"Yes, River. It has always been Rose."
River's eyelids fell shut, she seemed to collapse in on herself. All of her bravery going out of her stance and the Doctor had never seen her look so beaten. Not once in all of his time with her, had he ever seen her look as she did now. Defeated. And he was the one that had done this to her. He was the one that had reduced his brilliant River, his defiant and always brave River, to this brokenhearted woman. It made his stomach churn with self disgust.
"Did you ever love me?" Her question was determined, even as hurt as she was.
In three strides, the Doctor crossed to her, clasping her hands painfully tight in his. He gave her a shake, trying to force her to look at him. Hesitantly, her eyes opened, fixing guardedly upon him. "I do, River. I do love you. I married you, you are my wife." He waited for this to sink in before continuing. "It's just that Rose – I never thought I'd see her again and she – she saved me, brought me back to life and I – "
"You're still in love with her," River stated quietly. It wasn't an accusation, not like he had expected it to be, it was simply a statement, one that hinted at an understanding the Doctor knew he wasn't worthy of.
His eyes ran over her frantically. The Doctor was more scared now than he had been in a long while. He was terrified of losing River; he needed her, he relied on her, and he would need her more than ever when Rose inevitably left. But what had he told Rose, how had he put it. "Not everything ends." It sounded like an apology.
"Why didn't you just tell me that? I would have understood?" Her eyes beseeched him to explain it to her, to own up to his actions.
"Because I need you, River. You loved me before I even knew who you were, or what we were to each other. And even then, even in the Library I knew I would never deserve your love, but I needed it. You are my best friend, River, and I love you. You alone have known all of me, more than anyone ever has and more than anyone ever will. No one will ever compare to you."
"But you love her more."
"No, no! Not more. Not –" he floundered, terrified by this conversation, of failing her, but utterly uncertain of what to say. "She's – She's Rose. Rose Tyler."
"And I will always be River Song."
She tried to draw her hands away so the Doctor held on tighter, squeezing to the point of pain, his gaze frenzied as it bounced around her face, from her fantastic hair, to her heart shaped mouth, to her guarded eyes, to her smooth skin. "River, I need you!"
"I don't want to be needed, Doctor," she said gently, trying to soften the blow. "I want to be loved."
"But I do, River," the Doctor pleaded, his eyes wide as they finally held hers.
"But not how I want to be loved. And not how you love her. I don't think you'll ever love me like that; and I don't think I'll ever stop loving you that way. But don't worry, Sweetie." She drummed up a smile from the very depths of her soul, from the part of her heart that hadn't yet broken, the part that would always be true to him. "I will always be there for you."
Rose woke up to snoring. For one bleary moment, she thought the Doctor was in bed beside her, that the day previous had been nothing but an imaginative nightmare. After all, the Doctor only snored after a night of heavy drinking, which didn't happen frequently. And it made perfect sense, that in her own tipsy mind, she had spun out a nightmare so realistic.
She flopped her arm to the left, attempting to wake him and put an end to the snoring so she could continue sleeping. Her arm hit soft mattress. Rolling onto her side, eyes shut, mouth pulled down in a tired frown, she fanned her arm along the mattress, searching out his lean form. Her fingers found nothing.
Panic gripped her heart; abruptly, she was wide awake. The lights were off and it took a second for her eyes to adjust, when they did, she saw that the bed was empty save for herself. But someone was definitely snoring.
Twisting as quietly as she could in the sheets, Rose scanned the bedroom for the presence of alien life forms. She found one. On the love seat. His neck craned back over the left arm and his legs sprawled over the right. One alien, two hearts, a chin that could stop traffic.
A small smile crinkled the corner of her mouth, as yesterday filed into place. Her heart ached that it wasn't her Doctor stretched out there, but it also brightened that it was any Doctor at all. He was looking impossibly cute, all disheveled with sleep, even if the snoring was annoying. Picking up the pillow that wasn't hers, she tossed it at him. The pillow arced through the air, landing with a flumph directly on his face.
The Doctor flailed, arms and legs swinging comically in the air as Rose stifled her laughter. Finally, his hands made contact with the pillow and he chucked it disgustedly from him. It landed on the floor, disappearing beneath the bed skirt.
"Oi! I was sleeping!" His tired eyes sought out Rose who gave into her laughter and curled up on the bed, laughing so hard she had to gasp for breath.
This in no way appeased the grumpy Time Lord. "Rose," he whined, running one hand through his hair in a vain attempt to tame it. "I was sleeping, Time Lords hardly ever sleep, so you should respect them when they do."
Rose rolled onto her back, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Oh, I should respect your sleep, should I? What about my sleep, Doctor? How am I supposed to sleep with you snoring like the TARDIS is landing?"
His brow creased in confusion. "What does my snoring have to do with the TARDIS landing?"
"They sound alike," Rose explained simply.
"What – I – no!" Indignation made his voice squeaky which caused Rose to crack up again. "Rose Tyler!" the Doctor said commandingly, but she paid no head, swiping instead at her other pillow and tossing it at his face.
It hit him square in the nose, upsetting the precarious balance he'd had on the edge of the love seat and he fell to the floor with a thud. Rose laughed harder at this even as she crawled to edge to ensure that he was uninjured, the length of her Doctor's shirt she wore brushing halfway down her thighs.
When she peered over the mattress at him, the Doctor's smiling face was looking up at her, ready for her. He grasped her shoulders and yanked her down with him before Rose had a chance to cry out. She felt a slight flicker of guilt about the more or less shenanigans taking place in her bedroom. The Doctor was in here for a reason and Rose had a feeling that reason was something to do with River. But for the moment she was pushing that aside. The Doctor would tell her in time what he was really doing on her love seat.
"I am the last of the Time Lords, Rose Tyler. How dare you mock me," he said, his tone all Oncoming Storm, but his fingers danced up her sides and making her convulse helplessly with laughter, carefully avoiding where the shirt ended. "I am over a thousand years old. I see all that is, all that was, all that ever could be. What are you, but a tiny human?" He found a sweet spot, right below her third rib, that caused Rose to shriek with laughter, twisting frantically in his grasp, but he refused to release her.
"I – I –" she shrieked again, batting at his hands but he remained undeterred. "I am – the – Bad Wolf!"
The name sent a chill down his spine, but it was nothing compared to the sudden blast of golden light that blinded him in the previously dark room. It lasted for only a second, one second of brilliant, shinning, golden light, then his arms were empty, Rose no longer securely trapped between them.
"Rose!" he yelled, scrambling to his feet as panic hit him full force. She wasn't even in the room now; the lights had flicked to life as soon as he stood. "Rose!" And he was running from the room, arms pumping at his sides as he streaked down the TARDIS hallways, calling for her, but she didn't answer.
The Doctor skid into the console room; the heels of his boots sliding across the grating and sending him into the console hard. His hip bounced off the cold metal and he tripped toward the doors. Wrenching them open, he shouted Rose's name again, careless of the natives he knew had been eyeing the two TARDIS's suspiciously since they first landed.
He listened hard, but there was no answer. The Doctor wavered in the doorway, not sure if he should try looking around the TARDIS again or wake the others to help him search the jungle. Then there it was, the faintest sound, but it was the sound of her voice and he would have heard it if he had been miles under water.
"Rose!" The TARDIS doors swung shut behind him as he ran blindly out into the jungle, the foliage whacking into his arms as he thrashed through. Daylight was still a few hours a way, the sun rose late on Savoh, around eight am earth time. "Rose!" he called again.
"Doc-tor!" Her voice broke from the distance.
The Doctor pulled out his sonic, shinning it in front of him, swiveling it from side to side as he scanned for her presence, illuminating the small space in front of him in a swatch of green that blended with the already green foliage.
"Rose! Can you hear me?" With his left arm, he made breast stroke motions, sweeping the leaves aside. He kicked at the roots as he stumbled deeper into the jungle.
All around him, the night was alive with the sounds of creatures unseen. Slithering, scampering, climbing, hooting; the chatter fell silent where he stepped, only to spring to life a short ways away. "Rose!"
"Doctor!"
She sounded closer now, spurring him on. The Doctor fought his way past vines that wrapped around his arms, leaves that slapped him in the face, gravel slides that would twist his ankle. With a final slashing of the arm brandishing the sonic, he emerged into a clearing. It was circular in shape, a fire burning to cinders in the center. Rose's gold eyes shone from the other side. Her arms were held out on either side, her head titled upwards, and her legs kicked fruitlessly at the ground.
"Ah, yes." The Doctor smoothed back his hair, one hand falling to straighten his bow tie. "This is not good."