Morgan held his cellphone loosely in one hand, shaking his head slightly while his thumb skated purposely over the screen as he formed his reply to the very annoyed woman he'd made casual plans with. He'd already canceled one set of plans with absolutely no problem, but Giselle seemed to be making up for the earlier amicability. Really how was it his fault that Giselle didn't tell him she'd wanted him to meet her friends? Although to be fair, had she told him that, that would have given him more incentive to bail out on their nebulous weekend arrangements. It wasn't just her regular friends; he'd sort of met them already. No, she wanted him to meet her two best friends since high school.
Derek absolutely did not want to meet Giselle's friends because he knew where that would lead. When they wanted you and their closest friends to approve of each other, they were setting you directly on the path to meeting the parents and he definitely didn't want to meet Giselle's parents. Once you met The Parents, you were in deep. Too deep. Much, much deeper than he wanted to be with Giselle and he had thought she understood that, that he had been clear. Apparently he had thought wrong. He frowned as his phone buzzed and scanned the latest message before rolling his eyes slightly and exiting out of the conversation. The last several messages had ended or started with 'we're done talking' but it seemed as if Giselle wasn't anywhere near done talking.
He did feel a little guilty, but what could he do? He'd apologized every way he could for everything he should but it was the fact that he wasn't budging on refusing to be sorry that she wanted more when he didn't that was causing the issue. Well, that and they should have really been having this discussion face to face but at least this way, he was more clearly at fault. The silver lining here being that Morgan habitually bailed out of relationships by making something his fault. It wasn't a secret he did this, everyone close to him knew the only things he was committed to were the team and his family—and the team was his family in so many ways that it was simpler to let his friends assume that's all it was. No need to delve deeper.
Derek Morgan was a smooth-talking, carefree libertine with a heart of gold who left a trail of physically sated, but emotionally wanting women in his wake. It still wasn't exactly a terrible reputation to have by most counts, but it wasn't completely true either. He'd been like that even before going to Northwestern, nevermind the BAU. It was easy to play into the role of the womanizer because that's what people wanted to see, but he always got stuck in the same place—he always got found out.
Derek could play the Lothario perfectly fine as long as he didn't spend too much time with one woman. If they bought into the ladies man persona, everything was copacetic and running smoothly. It was when they found out (or he accidentally let on) that he was a sensitive romantic who had a hard time trusting his heart to anyone that the problems would start. They would take it as a sign to move forward and he as a sign to back out. It wasn't as if he didn't care for any of the women he was with—quite the contrary really—and therein laid the problem. The women he saw…he knew he couldn't make a single one of them happy in the long term. Of course he cared about them and he had even loved a few, but they'd never be happy with him because he knew if he were ever offered an ultimatum, he would always choose the job. He'd never been with anyone that he was willing to even hypothetically entertain redirecting his commitment from where he wanted to focus it.
First, his excuse had been to focus on football and grades so he could get out of his situation and into a good school. Then he got into a good school and his focus became on football and grades so he could stay in a good school and make something of himself. Then after his injury, instead of swinging his energy towards his girlfriend at the time like she'd wanted, he'd focused on the police department so he could still make something of himself. Then the focus was on the bomb squad, and now the BAU. He was making something of himself now while making the world less safe for murderers and victimizers in the process, but there was no end goal anymore; there was no 'just until this next step' he could tell someone to wait for because there was no next step.
What he was doing with the BAU was the most fulfilling thing he'd ever done and he knew he'd never be satisfied doing anything else. He was still that young boy—that man—who couldn't fully give himself to a romantic partner out of fear and doubt, he wasn't naïve about that, but he had never been with anyone who made him want to try. It wasn't fair to anyone he got involved with to let a relationship run its course to the inevitably fiery end just because something was good now. And neither did Derek think it fair to himself to get serious with someone he couldn't feel the most like himself with—be the most happy with—or try to make something work when he knew he'd disappoint them as soon as that inescapable ultimatum would come up. Which consistently led him to various permutations of the conversation he was avoiding continuing with Giselle at a frequency he didn't care to think about let alone admit.
Only, Emily hadn't been totally wrong in her assessment of his feelings for Garcia at the bar the previous night and that was a problem too. Maybe even the biggest problem.
Derek knew that if he asked Penelope out on an actual date she'd say yes; he wasn't as endearingly (but frustratingly) obtuse as Emily and JJ. He had also never been so freely himself around someone he was attracted to as he was with Penelope. The question of if he could be happy with her was such an emphatic yes, that asking it seemed like the only exception to the 'there are no stupid questions' guideline. He knew without a doubt that he'd never have to worry about being given the 'job or me' ultimatum because he knew with complete certainty that if they were together, she would never ask him such a thing. It probably wouldn't even cross her mind as something she'd want to ask.
But the scary part, the terrifying part, was that if they got together…if they were in a relationship in the way he was able to picture so clearly in his mind that he sometimes very nearly confused himself into thinking they were memories…if she asked, if she needed him to walk away from the job—he would and he would without feeling like a difficult choice had been made. He could see where Emily was coming from, that she thought he was in her situation save for the serious reciprocation of at least something but when he'd told her it 'wasn't like that,' it hadn't just been a line.
Derek was the first person on the team Emily allowed to get close to her and they were alike in a lot of ways: they were both obstinate as all hell, they both preferred to project a certain image and attitude that was sometimes contrary to their true selves, they both had a hard time trusting, they were both short tempered (and incredibly passionate) about defending what they knew was right to the point of being almost casually self-sacrificing both physically and emotionally—and that was just the 'big stuff.' He truly thought of her as a sister and without offense meant to the sisters he shared blood with, sometimes it felt like Emily was something more than that. They weren't just friends who worked together, they were partners. Whenever it counted, they had each other's backs and sometimes that included saving each other's lives. That afforded a certain kind of trust that few people got to experience with others in their lives.
So when Emily had turned the tables on him at the bar, he had wanted to tell her what he'd meant by his situation being different. Had wanted to, but had stopped himself for the same reason he wanted to tell her. She hadn't been wrong about him being scared but she had seen his hesitancy, his (apparently less than stellar) attempts at hiding how much he was into Garcia, and had misinterpreted it as fear of attachment. If there was one thing about Penelope Garcia that didn't scare him, it was how he felt about her. No, what kept him from saying anything, from starting anything was the thought…the feeling, that he wouldn't be enough for her.
What he felt for Garcia didn't dismiss or cheapen the love he'd felt for others, but it was so sure and so harmonious with the ideas of how he thought love should be, that it seemed more tangible, more possible: more dangerous. There was part of him, and not a small part, that was in almost constant panic at how easy it could be because he'd never felt quite like this about anyone before which meant that the resulting pain would be so much worse than anything he'd known before. Maybe it was selfish, but he wanted to protect himself from even the off chance of that kind of agony. Every thought that popped up unbidden from some desolate inward space that whispered how undeserving he was seemed to have total merit.
Could he be what she needed? What she wanted? What she deserved? Sometimes the answer was unequivocally 'no' and sometimes he had absolutely no idea but both of those answers led to him not saying anything. As much as he knew she'd be receptive to serious advances and as much as he wanted to make those advances, the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt her or give her cause to lose faith in him. If he didn't know the answers to those questions, he couldn't possibly try to be with her. He couldn't risk destroying something and someone so dear to him because of his own deep seeded insecurities and issues. It was ironic that it was because Garcia made him want to try that he couldn't and he'd wanted to explain that to Emily.
Emily would have been able to put things in perspective for him, would have laid everything out neatly in her mind and picked through it with him and just the knowledge that she would have made him oddly grateful towards her despite the fact that he'd let her believe her own conclusions. Derek was also well aware that Emily was likely very capable of getting him to unbind himself from his own hesitation and sense of dread to make a move. He still had enough willpower not to let that happen. Emily would never push him, but once you asked her for advice on something, that was as good as giving her runway clearance and there was no stopping her. As much as Morgan wanted Emily's advice and perspective, he didn't want to let go of the fear. The fear was keeping him safe; the fear was keeping Penelope safe.
His phone vibrated violently against the wooden tabletop and he sighed as a way to brace himself for opening his messages. Right now, all he wanted was for Giselle to stop texting him every three minutes and Garcia to get there so they could figure out how to get Emily and JJ to stumble into each other instead of around each other. Preferably over a budae jjigae hotpot.
As if in response to his thoughts (or the rumble of his stomach), a thud on the table surface across from him caused him to look up. A huge handbag in the shape of a cat's head and coloured in a shade so outlandishly blue that the neon yellow of its nose and the inside of its ears seemed like a conservative choice grinned blankly at him showing too-white teeth cut from some kind of pearlescent material. Peering over the top of the bag, he watched Garcia she gracefully divested herself of a fashion-over-function scarf and bright green jacket, slipping them both over the back of her chair. He found himself returning the smile she was giving him without knowing why they were smiling.
"Denser then neutrons." Garcia said chipperly as she sat down across from him.
Morgan let the confused amusement show in his voice as he said; "Say again?"
"Neutrons." Garcia repeated while pouring herself some green tea from the ceramic pot on the table. "Remember I was trying to figure out what could possibly be denser than Jayje and Emily?" she refilled his teacup as well and didn't wait for him to answer. "Well I asked Reid before I left what the densest thing in the world is. He said something about os…oz…ozzie…" she shrugged dismissively and leaned back in her chair, picking up her cup. "Anyway, he said something about something before getting excited that I said the densest thing and not the densest material and changed his answer. So, JJ and Emily are denser than neutrons."
Morgan chuckled with a shake of his head and was content to watch Garcia peruse the menu with a rhythmic bob of her head though if she were bopping along to some song in her mind or was just in agreement with the choices listed before her, he wasn't sure. They ordered and fell into easy conversation, not turning towards the reason for their meeting up in the first place until they were nearly done with their meals.
"I think we should just trick them into going on dates." Garcia was saying, chewing thoughtfully on the last of her mandu and nodding as if that settled it.
"I'm not following." Morgan said, futilely trying to will himself into putting his silverware down in an attempt to give his poor stomach a rest. "Didn't we already say locking them in a room together would be a bad idea for everyone involved?"
"Is that your idea of a date?" she shook her head and tsked, her voice taking on affected sympathy. "Oh, honey…" Penelope laughed at the expression on Morgan's face that indicated he was about to defend either his choice of words or his ability to plan a date. Probably both. "You're a caramel coated love god and I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your technique." She assured him with merriment in her eyes. "But we can't be too obvious and these have to be dates where the goal is to get them to talk to each other."
Derek wanted to object to the implication that he didn't have much experience with dating where the end goal wasn't sex but it was the truth so he shrugged amenably.
"Anyway," Garcia continued. "You've gotta think outside the box. While I more than appreciate the in-your-face sex panther routine, this is JJ and Emily we're talking about."
"So?" He felt like his methods could be applied here. They worked, didn't they? He didn't see how it would be different just because they were both women. Besides, he'd been Emily's wingman more than a few times and knew that when she wanted to, she could be quite the licentious lady-killer herself. JJ he wasn't as sure of since they didn't often hang out just the two of them and so he wasn't as acquainted with her 'routine,' but he'd seen her engage in meaningless flirting plenty of times. She seemed to play it a little coyer than Emily; but in much the same way JJ orchestrated the BAU without anyone really thinking about it, she was definitely the one in charge of all the instances of flirting he'd seen her do with others. Morgan thought that they'd be a good fit that way; if they could get them into a physical enough environment, something would be bound to happen and then they'd have to talk. "We do it my way, and we get fast results." He raised his eyebrows at Garcia and she rolled her eyes affectionately.
"You guys take that 'don't profile each other' thing really seriously, don't you?" she shook her head and rested her elbows on the table, cradling her chin in one hand. "Well for one thing, there's no way we could get Emily to go all in-your-face sex panther on JJ."
Morgan was somewhat insulted on Emily's behalf and moved to defend his friend. "I know you're not saying you think my girl doesn't have what it takes."
Garcia scoffed and waved one hand in front of her like she was brushing the comment aside. "Emily could seduce the skirt off a succubus if that's what she wanted." She assured dutifully, patting Morgan's hand to further assuage any unintended transgression. "That's not the issue. The issue is that Emily only starts out like that with people she's not serious about and she's already in love with JJ, so we couldn't trick her into it no matter how clever I am. Besides," she reasoned. "Jayje knows that about her so even if we could get Emily to quit doubting herself about this for ten seconds, JJ would have good reason to assume she's just screwing around and neither of them wants that."
"Which leaves us back where we started." Derek pointed out a little glumly. Had Emily and JJ been anyone else, he'd have left well enough alone but they weren't. They were Emily and JJ and they were part of his family and he'd do anything to see his family happy. Especially with everything they'd been through and all the horrific things they dealt with on a regular basis. They deserved to have happiness wherever they could find it and if it was with each other, all the better.
Garcia hummed her contemplative agreement and looked as if she were going to say something when the sound of a phone vibrating stopped her. For a split second, Morgan thought it might have been Giselle reneging on her demand for some 'no-contact space' but then an odd, almost metallic wheezing noise accompanied the rattling of the vibration and Garcia immediately pulled her large purse into her lap to rummage around its insides.
"It's Reid." She explained confidently, still moving things around in her purse on the quest for her phone. Pulling it out triumphantly, she unlocked the screen and looked over the new text message before frowning slightly and typing a response.
"Everything okay?" Morgan asked when she sighed in disappointment and set her phone on the table and her purse back onto the chair next to her.
"Yeah, Reid just backed out of tomorrow."
"What's tomorrow?" he murmured a thanks to the waiter who set a black billfold with the cheque inside down on the table and swatted Garcia's hand away as she reached for it, picking it up himself and glancing at the paper inside disinterestedly.
"Derek," the blonde started in a tone that indicated she was going to fight him about paying. He expected as much, even if he'd been the one who'd gotten there last, she would have fought him about paying anyways.
He tucked his bankcard into the billfold and handed it to the waiter, shrugging glibly. "You can get me next time," he lied. It was a common argument with them when they were out together, but he wouldn't object to her paying just often enough that the promise of 'next time' was usually an effective way to end the friendly spat.
Penelope lifted her cup to drink the last of her tea and raised her eyebrows at him, indicating she knew his game and rolled her eyes when he offered an unapologetic smile and a wink in response. "Reid was supposed to come with us to the movies tomorrow." She explained, letting the issue of the cheque go.
"You got Reid to go to the movies on a Saturday?" Morgan leaned back in his chair and stretched slightly, his body telling him he wasn't going to want to eat again for a week while his mind was contemplating the likelihood of making himself sick by finishing what very little he had left.
"Well apparently not." Garcia corrected. "He was supposed to come with me, JJ, and Emily to see that movie, Iceni?"
He shook his head to answer the indirect question on if he'd heard of the movie or not.
"It's a period movie about a Celtic warrior queen kicking some serious invading Roman ass. You know how Boy Wonder can be about checking historical inconsistencies in movies and it's based on a true story, so he'd said he'd come even though it was going to be super crowded." She lifted one shoulder helplessly. "One of his academic nerd buddies just got him a last minute seat at some cognitive science thing at George Mason tomorrow. I'd try to talk him out of it since he doesn't come out with us enough, but…" she trailed off when Morgan nodded knowingly.
"Well hey," he started optimistically. "Maybe this'll work?" he leaned forward as he nodded enthusiastically about his own idea. "Yeah, you could have something 'come up' at the last minute, leaving JJ and Prentiss to watch the movie alone."
"That would be a fabulous idea," Garcia agreed readily. "But it won't work. Jayje has plans during the day and was just going to meet us there and Emily's taking her car to the shop tomorrow to update all that Starfleet technology it uses—she's carless until Sunday so I told her I'd pick her up."
Morgan set about returning his card to his wallet as the bill made its way back onto the table and flipped through his money to see if he had enough to leave a paper tip. "Okay, well how about this," he amended, weighing down several bills with his empty cup. "Ancient warrior queens sounds like a movie I could get into and Emily likes to sit in the very back while you have to fight JJ to get her any closer than the middle, right?"
Penelope nodded, a sly smile gracing her features as she caught on to his train of thought. "Right! So you and I can insist on someplace they'd never want to sit and that will leave them to get all cozy in the nosebleeds."
Morgan nodded with a smile of his own and popped the last piece of meat off his plate into his mouth before standing. "It'll be crowded enough on a Saturday that they probably won't even realize to argue about it."
Garcia tipped her head gratefully at him as he helped her into her jacket and looped her scarf around her neck again. "Perfect." She said, scooping her purse up with one hand and hooking the other around Morgan's arm as they made their way out of the restaurant. "And you're sure you're not going to be pressed for time or anything?"
Derek shrugged as he pushed open the glass door to the parking lot, tugging Garcia slightly so she would go in front of him. Giselle wanted no-contact space so it would be safe to say that any plans he'd made with her would be canceled for the foreseeable future. "I got nothing but time right now, Baby Girl." He promised as he walked her over to her car. "Just hit me up when you get home so I can get the details and I know you made it back okay."
Penelope nodded and patted his arm before releasing it and unlocking her doors. "Okay, sweetness," she said brightly by way of parting. "Try not to have too wild a night?" she grinned widely at him and got behind the wheel, the loud thump of a rock bass line permeating the air the second she turned the key.
Morgan shoved his hands in his pockets with a small smile and forced himself to move to his own car instead of watching her drive out of the parking lot.