Disclaimer: I own nothing of Psych and its related characters. This is just for my own enjoyment and the potential enjoyment of other Psych-Os like me, and no monetary gain was expected or received.
Rating: T+
Spoilers: None.
A/N: Juliet's "You tell a damn good story" comes from the fact that no one would possibly suspect that Lassiter would ever write stories to begin with. As far as I'm concerned, "Captain Hook: Condemnation and Redemption" is a really very damn good story - for something written by a not-very-bright nineteen year old. I think I could definitely do better now.
OK, This One's Not That Weird, But Still…
"All right, what did you dream of last night?" Juliet said, walking into the conference room and sitting down next to Lassiter with a cup of coffee and a file of evidence.
"It wasn't quite as bad as the last ones, and I know where it came from," Lassiter said, looking up from the evidence he was perusing.
"Where did it come from?" Juliet asked.
"A story I wrote way, way back when I was in college. I had forgotten all about it, but something reminded me of it last night, so I dug it out and read it. It was the 'true story' of Captain Hook and Peter Pan."
"…So you dreamed about Peter Pan?" Juliet asked, cautiously.
"Captain Hook, actually, who the story was more fully about. You'll never understand the dream at all, not knowing the story."
"Well…tell me what it was about," she said.
"Well, it's kinda hard to explain," he said. "In it I had it that Hook was always…different. He was born a boy named James Cook, and his mother was quite fashionable, and all through her pregnancy she disguised her condition by wearing tight corsets. James got squeezed so hard that he was stillborn, with his soul on the outside as his shadow, but he was just too stubborn to lay still and quiet like a dead child should. Then his mother ignored him and his father was abusive, and when he was fifteen a sympathetic soul named Horace Eustace Smith saw his circumstances and got him out of them by 'crimping' him - hitting him on the head and spiriting him away to his ship in the harbor to work all unwillingly as a hand. H.E. Smith was, of course, better known to his compatriots as 'Smee.'
"When he came to, James didn't see any particular reason to bemoan his fate, which seemed no worse to him than the circumstances he came from, so he set to work with a will and quickly learned how to be a decent sailor. It was, of course, a pirate ship, but it never turned much of a profit, so the Captain came up with a new scheme to make money: hauling 'Black Gold' - slaves, taken from Africa to the illegal plantations of Cuba. Very few people on the ship particularly liked this new line of work, but everyone was too scared of the Captain and particularly the First Mate - Bill Buckland - to say anything about it.
"James in particular wanted to do something about it, but couldn't come up with a decent plan. One day, the Captain called him into his cabin and told him he was making him a full mate aboard the ship, with a full share of the profits. Sounded good to James, but he didn't trust it. Then the Captain ordered Bill Buckland to go down to the cargo hold and pick out a couple of pretty young slave girls for himself and James, and James got pissed off. When he did, his eyes turned red, his heart started to beat, he grabbed his dagger, and he stuck it right in the Captain's throat.
"Bill Buckland came back, saw what happened, and immediately set to trying to kill James. He drew his flintlock and tried to shoot him in the heart, but James' one shipboard friend, a young man named 'Jolly' Roger Rees, jumped in front of the bullet and died instead. Buckland drew his cutlass and stabbed James in the heart, but James didn't die - didn't even bleed. Buckland stabbed him again, in the stomach, but again, nothing happened.
"The pirates chose sides, some of them siding with James despite how scared they were of his bloodlessness and apparent immortality, and most of them siding with Buckland. They fought, and James and his men were defeated and taken below and put in chains with the slaves. That's where James met and forged a kind of friendship with a slave named Akachi, of the Igbo tribe. He didn't speak English, but they had nothing but time, and started to sort-of understand each other. Akachi called James 'Ekwensu,' which was Igbo for Evil, of which he thought James was the personification of - not because he actually knew that he was, but because he'd given up on the gods of good coming to his rescue and had switched his faith to the forces of evil if they would get him out of this mess he was in.
"James, of course, had every intention of getting himself out of this mess, and the slaves as well, if he could, and when they got to Cuba he got his chance. He and the surviving men who'd been loyal to him were chained together and left outside a police station with a note pinned to James' shirt saying they were pirates and should be hung. James managed to steal the First Mate's keys and he used them to unlock Smee's shackles, and then Smee released the rest of them. They went through the town, stealing as many weapons as they could find, and tracked down the stockyards where the slaves were kept. They released Akachi and the rest of the slaves, armed the ones that could fight, and led them back to the harbor, where they looked for a ship to steal. James found a Dutch fleut, just like the Queen Anne's Revenge, that struck him as the perfect ship, and he and his men climbed aboard and took the overly-complacent crew in a heartbeat.
"They got everyone else aboard, resupplied, and set out to put Cuba behind them before they could be tracked down. The ship's original name turned out to be the King James, which the crew took as fate, and they renamed it the Jolly Roger. They set out to return the slaves to Africa and then started pirating. The Jolly Roger was the fastest, most responsive ship on the seas, because she responded to her Captain's mood. Even when there was no wind, she'd still sail.
"James started looking for an unoccupied Pirate Isle to claim for himself. There weren't many left. Beneath the second star to the right, and straight on 'til morning, he found what they called the Never-Land, which he refused to believe was faerie-cursed. When he got there, that external soul of his wanted to stay. He himself wanted very badly to leave. He commanded that the ship be turned and put the place behind them, but when they did, he felt that he was torn in two: his shadow stayed behind."
"His shadow became Peter Pan," Juliet said, softly, seemingly utterly entranced. Lassiter nodded.
"Little by little, growing a little bit stronger and more corporeal every day. Because of the curse of forgetfulness on the island, Pan forgot he'd ever been a part of Hook, and so did Hook when he was there, as he kept coming back to hunt Pan down. At first he just wanted his shadow back, but as time went on and he forgot what Pan really was, he just wanted to kill him. For thirty years Hook chased after Pan, losing his hand in a sword fight and to the giant Crocodile that lived on the island, which started following him, eager for more. He stopped going by Cook and started going by Hook. And he stopped being the egalitarian pirate Captain his crew admired and started being the tyrant they feared. And then Pan fed him to the Crocodile, by stripping him of all the happy thoughts of victory that kept him airborne during their battle, and convincing him that he was 'Old, Alone, and Done For.' And that was the end of the first part."
"You tell a pretty damn good story," she said, impressed. "I can't wait to hear the second part. I take it then that Hook somehow survived being eaten by the Crocodile?"
"Yep. The Crocodile swallowed him whole. It didn't chomp him, or chew him, or otherwise stick its teeth into him at all. It just swallowed him. He cut his way out of its stomach with his hook and washed up on shore, where Smee and the few other surviving members of his crew - Akachi, Bill Dukes, Mister White: Pirates were superstitious about swimming - were waiting. The faeries had made the Jolly Roger fly off to England, taking the Darling children and the Lost Boys home, and they didn't know what they were going to do, but the Jolly Roger came flying back on its own, returning to its master. They climbed aboard and sailed away from the Never-Land, and as they left Hook saw Peter Pan return, which made him want to go back, but after having been defeated that way, he just couldn't.
"They went sailing to Nassau, where Hook intended to recruit a new crew, but on the way they came upon the Grey Lady, which Hook remembered was the ship that 'Commodore' Bill Buckland commanded in his fleet of slave ships. He didn't remember why he had a grudge against Buckland, but he still did, so he ordered his few men to break out Long Tom, the huge 'spinner' cannon he'd had made for the ship and fire upon the Grey Lady. They boarded her, and took the crew by sheer dumb luck, there being so few of them, and the Captain came stumbling out onto the decks from below, where he'd apparently been asleep. Hook asked him why he was sleeping down below instead of in his cabin. The Captain didn't want to say, so Hook cracked the door open, and a young woman spilled out - Buckland's intended, the daughter of his slave merchant partner, a girl named Aster. She tried to struggle, Hook subdued her, so she tried to reach a compromise with him instead.
"'I'll do what you want me to, and in exchange, you won't hurt me or give me to the pleasure of your crew,' she said. Hook made a counter offer. 'I'll ask nothing of you, won't hurt you, won't give you to my crew, and in exchange I ask only that you do for me what you were prepared to do for Buckland. Marry me.'
"She didn't particularly want to, but she recognized it was better than the alternatives, perhaps including the alternative of continuing on her way and marrying Buckland, who was now 78 years old, so she agreed, and Hook had the captive Captain of the Grey Lady perform the ceremony."
"Why would he do that?" Juliet asked. "Why would he want to marry Aster? He doesn't know her, hasn't particularly seemed to have any softer emotions. What does he gain?"
"It's a way to make Buckland grind his dentures," Lassiter said. "And you're right, he doesn't have the softer emotions - all of those went to Pan - but over time he figures out that Aster is every bit as smart as he, and a good conversationalist, good company, a good friend, and he starts to care for her. She also gets bored on the ship, so he starts to teach her how to be a pirate. For her part, she starts to fall in love with him, but when she makes a move to show him that, he puts her down. 'I can't feel that way,' he tells her. 'I'm sorry: you rather make me wish I could.'"
Juliet sniffled back a tear.
"He begins to put distance between them," Lassiter continued. "This continues until they come upon an iron-clad ship that fires upon them and the crew boards them. It's Buckland, come for Aster. He grabs her and tells his crew to make for their ship, but Hook comes flying at him with his cutlass out and engages with him. They fight, and some shrewd words from Buckland cause him to gain the upper hand. He knocks Hook to the ground and raises his sword to cut his head off, but Aster throws herself over him to protect him, just like Wendy did for Peter Pan.
"'Just let it be finished, Aster,' Hook says. 'Everything he said is true.' 'This is true, James,' she says, and kisses him. It's the Hidden Kiss. For the first time ever that he's not enraged, Hook's heart starts to beat. He gets up and starts fighting again. Buckland doesn't stand a chance.
"When it's over, Hook hold Aster close. He says, 'You know this can't last.' 'What can't last?' 'This,' he says, and puts her hand over his heart, where the beat is already slowing down. 'Soon enough I'll be cold and dead again.' 'Then I'll just have to kiss you again. As often as it takes.' 'No. That might work once or twice, but sooner or later I'll become accustomed to it and it won't work anymore.' 'Then I'll just have to love you enough for both of us,' she says. But Hook says, 'I can't be the man you need,' and walks away.
"Akachi talks to Aster. He tells her that Hook can't be the man she needs, can't love her as he wants to, until he has his soul back - and inside him, where it never has been before. He says he'll talk to him for her. He goes into the Captain's cabin and tells James they need to return to the Never-Land, tells him he needs to talk to Peter Pan, and convince him to join with him as one, so they can both be complete at last. Hook realizes he's right, so they return to the island and Hook has everyone throw down their weapons and calls out to Pan for a truce.
"He reminds Peter of what it was like to have a Wendy, because Pan's forgotten. He says, 'I've found myself a Wendy, Peter. Without you, I can never be the man she needs.' Pan comes a little closer. He doesn't want to be a man, of course, but the idea of having another Wendy is tempting. 'Will it hurt?' he asks, 'Because when I left, it hurt.'
"'I don't think so,' Hook says. 'That was destruction. This will be more like…creation.' He holds out his hand. Still not quite trusting, Peter reaches out to take it. When he does, they merge, and Hook becomes honestly and truly alive, for the first time in forever."
Juliet giggled. "Finally, a happy ending for Hook! I always liked him better than Peter Pan. Peter was always kind of…annoying, really. In his insistence that he would never grow up. Hook was a bastard but he at least had some depth of character."
"Now you know why I don't like Spencer very much," Lassiter said, gravely, and Juliet laughed.
"Okay now, I know the story, the basics at least: now what was the dream? Just that?" she asked.
"No. Actually, I told you way more than you really needed to know, but you listened so well I couldn't help myself. The dream was…kind of a sequel, really. Hook boards a ship that turns out to be captained by his mother. He tries to make some amends with her, but she tears into him, telling him that he was always worthless, that she wishes he was never born, that the happiest she's ever been in her life was the day he disappeared. Hook just stands there, drinking this all in, and his crew decide to get a little justice on their own, and start killing off her crew without orders to do so. The dream got pretty gory."
"What about his mother?" Juliet asked.
"Hook draws her aside and tries to convince her that there's something inside her that cares a little bit for him, but she refuses to admit it if there is anything. So he snaps her neck."
"Ow!" Juliet exclaimed. "Not that I don't quite see why someone like Hook would do something like that to someone like that…still, his own mother!"
"Then somehow Hook and his crew end up locked away down in the ship's hold, which is something of a labyrinth. They don't have food, so as they're scrambling around in this tight little space, looking for the way out, they have to scrounge for whatever they can find. Guster is there, and he has a T-Bone, but it's a little bit rotten, and Smee has some wine, and Bill Dukes has a couple of small raw steaks and a bag of tiny live oysters. They all sit down and start to eat, but the oysters start jumping and sticking their feet out and just being generally repulsive, and then suddenly they're out on a rock above the sea and the waves are crashing and credits start rolling and I say, 'That's where it ends? That sucks!' And then I woke up."
Juliet laughed. "Okay, maybe it wasn't quite as weird as your other dreams - not quite - but it was still plenty weird. Have you given any consideration to what I said earlier about talking to a professional?"
"You think I need to?" he asked, shyly.
"Oh, maybe not," she said, sounding rather coy. "Maybe what you really need is something better to dream about."
"Like what?" he asked.
"Oh, like maybe...this," she said, and lunged across the table and kissed him full on the mouth.
A/N: You have the basics of the entire story here, even though you didn't really need them to understand at least the basics of the dream. Still, if you should happen to want to read the story in its entirety, blanks filled in, it is available in two parts here on my page, somewhere down near the bottom. "Condemnation" is the first part; "Redemption" is the second. You don't really have to know anything about Peter Pan to understand the story, because it is entirely AU, though loosely based on the movie starring Jason Isaacs and Jeremy Sumpter.