Disclaimer: I own nothing of Psych and its related characters. This is just for my own enjoyment and the potential enjoyment of other Psych-Os like me, and no monetary gain was expected or received.

Rating: T+

Spoilers: None.

The Wedding Night

Juliet shot upright in bed. Carlton awoke and rose up beside her.

"Honey, what is it?"

"Oh, bad dream. Weird dream. Not exactly a nightmare, but, I don't want another one like it."

"Tell me about it," he said. She gave him a funny look.

"I don't know if I should. You might take it entirely the wrong way."

"What way is there to take it?"

"Well, it was… kind of a… non-explicit pornographic dream… and not about you. It wasn't a pleasant pornographic dream, though, don't think that."

"Well, now I think I gotta know," he said, with a reassuring smile.

She took a deep, shuddering breath. "It was my wedding night," she said. "My groom was… Vlad Tepes."

"Vlad Tepes? Wait… Vlad the Impaler? The inspiration for Dracula?"

"Yyyyyep. I don't know why. I haven't thought about Vlad Dracula since I did a report on him back in the tenth grade."

"Uh, this couldn't be a subconscious cry about how you really feel about me, could it?" he asked, hesitantly.

She shook her head vigorously. "No, Carlton, not at all. He didn't look like you, sound like you, or act like you in any way, shape, or form. He looked like the painting of him, and he kind of looked like Jason Isaacs."

"The actor? The one you like, the one that played that blond guy in the Harry Potter movies? With the stupid stick?"

"Yeah. I had kind of a thing for him, but after this… I don't know anymore."

"The dream'll wear off and you'll start drooling over him again."

"I don't drool over him!" she exclaimed, slapping lightly at his arm. "I just like his eyes, and he plays an excellent villain. Villains are always the most exciting characters in a movie. His eyes aren't as nice as yours, anyway. They're more gray, yours are bluer. You're younger and you have more and nicer hair, too."

"Ah, but he has that sexy British accent. Can't compete with that, can I?" he said, sighing theatrically. She slapped at him again.

"Stop it. I like you waaaaay better, and that's all there is to it. Why Dracula looked like him in my dream I don't know, except maybe the fact that I think he really did kind of look like him, with dark eyes. Close enough for Hollywood, at any rate. Anyway, we were escorted to bed, a waterbed, by this extremely perky couple who showed off this wide array of what they claimed were… marital aids. They were mostly seashells, and what their purpose was supposed to be I have no idea. My new husband and I were lying in bed, naked under the covers, and this couple wouldn't leave, and I was beginning to think it was the old tradition of the bride and groom being escorted to bed by the village and then the village staying round to witness the festivities? when finally they left and the, uh… 'fun' began. Fortunately the dream did not force me to witness it, but I knew what was going on, and it was… pretty brutal. I can't remember ever having a dream like that before."

"I can't help but feel this might be because of me, somehow," Carlton said.

"No. No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely not. Anyway, when it was over I got up and got dressed in my queenly or… well… princessly garb - he never was actually a king, was he? or was he? - and went to walk the battlements to cool off and calm down, but then I knew I had to come back and go back to bed and let him keep doing whatever it was he wanted to do to me, so I headed back into the bedchamber, which was enormous and had a bunch of other beds in it, for some reason, all very far apart. And as I was looking for the right one, I discovered that there were other people in these other beds. People who shouldn't have been there, and I knew Vlad would be pissed.

"So I went to the bed, where I found him asleep next to some woman he had slept with because I wasn't there for him to sleep with. And I touched his shoulder and he woke up, and I told him there were people in the bedroom. He got up, completely naked, and the nearest group of people got up and came over and… ogled him… and the woman said 'Wow,' and he said, 'Yes, this should be seen and remembered,' and then a servant helped him into a dressing gown.

"The woman he had slept with got up. She was dressed, thank heaven, and she stood there, and he pronounced judgment on her - made her his apprentice, of what I don't know, and gave her two of the necklaces I was wearing in punishment to me for leaving him still horny. Compared to the other ways he might have punished me, I thought this was quite nice of him. He then got most of the people to leave with no fuss.

"Then we came to the last person, and there were cabinets near his bed, one of which was supposed to contain money and the other of which contained treasures of some sort. A servant checked them and discovered the treasures untouched but the money missing. The man in the bed, who was the servant in charge of collecting and transferring this money to the places it needed to go, was guilty of embezzlement. Vlad sentenced him to the stake, and he fell down crying, sobbing please, no, it was too much. Vlad didn't listen, and that was the end of that. Then he took my hand and led me back to bed, because apparently he wasn't quite satisfied after all, but fortunately for me that was the end of the dream."

"I still think this has something to do with me," Carlton said quietly.

"No! No, no, no, no, no!" Juliet said, and threw herself at him and proved it in the only way she knew how.