As soon as I wake up, I lean over the shadowy edge of my bed and and vomit on the rug. I gasp, retching hard, eyes watering and hair sticking to my face.
It's just a recurring dream. That's what the counsellor said anyway. Don't let it affect you. Don't let it affect you.
The rug is soaked, again. I sigh and bundle it up, just about shoving it into the shower cubicle. I pick my way back out into the tiny room and take the duvet as well. I'll scrub them clean when Mike goes out, but for now I will just lock the door from the outside and pretend its because I don't want him to see "the state of" my bathroom.
Just as I'm about to leave for the second time, I catch a glance in the mirror and see my face.
I give up.
Not even going to attempt to go back to sleep. If I can't sleep on a normal night then what chance do I have after a nightmare? I'll just switch on the desk lamp and read over some material, filling my mind with law instead of thinking, of feeling. For a moment I reach to switch on the main light to chase away the lingering darkness. Then I sharply withdraw my hand.
If Mike sees it and comes in...He will sigh and shake his head and say he loves me but its getting too much now. He says its all a problem in my head and I'm just too weak to deal with it, and I agree with him.
If only I knew how to deal with it.
I heave open a Volume II of "General Law In Practise". When I met Mike, three years ago, we were at the end of high school, about to graduate to law school. I was 19, he 20, and we went to law school together. Young and enamoured with one other, convinced that the other was the true love. At law school, we took different classes; taking pains to see each other as often as possible, to not drift apart.
Mike decided in our second year that law was not the career for him.
We still love each other. We still love each other, don't we?
Now I'm not so sure. This summer I'm going to start an apprenticeship at the National Court as a junior lawyer and Mike...Mike is going into advertising. He didn't want to do "boring law". But we have to stay together, we have to... for the sake of the baby.
Michelle is less than six months old - so young - and sleeping in the room next door - because there is no room in here - there's barely space for my bed . If there was I would sleep with her. I would sleep on the floor with my darling Michelle.
Again, Mike disapproves. I don't have an obsession with Michelle - I just love her. She's my daughter. It's natural... I love her so much I would give up my life for her. I put down the book and look at the clock. 1:03.
I think I'll just check on her. Maybe go read in her room.
Hopefully Mike doesn't come along too.