Disclaimer: I do not own or make profit from any content within the Star Wars universe. I merely write for the entertainment of myself and others. All things Star Wars belong (unfortunately) to Disney now.
CHAPTER TWO:
Now that Tseebo and his information-loaded cybernetic implant were safely out of reach of the Empire, Hera could think with a little more peacefully. She didn't believe they could track his implant, but everything was tentative these days. She had delivered him to Fulcrum, her mysterious contact who's identity she kept a secret from the others. Now, the issue that was bothering her was Ezra. More specifically, his nightmares. They troubled the whole crew, and even chopper know something was wrong. During the night Ezra would wake up in such a state, Hera marveled at how he managed to get back to sleep. She needed to persuade Kanan to take a close look, after all, he was a Jedi. He could sense things others couldn't. She made a mental note of it and continued the maintenance diagnostic scan of the Phantom.
"NO! YOU CAN'T!" Shrieked Ezra as he awoke, panting irregularly, thick beads of perspiration swelling on his brow and trickling down his terrified face. After swinging his feet out of his bunk, he sat there, hunched over, eyes closed and trying to control his breathing. This was the third consecutive nightmare after Ezra's encounter with dark side of the force. With each night, Zeb was growing increasingly irritable. Ezra understood. No one should be forced to wake up every night to a roommate's moans and cries of sheer despair. The worst part was that Ezra could never remember the visions no matter how intensely he focused. The only feeling he was left with was presence of darkness, not tangible, yet looming in the background just out of sight.
Ezra talked about it with his master. Kanan recommended that the ancient methods of meditation would do Ezra some good. It was a simple enough task to explain, but far more tedious to accomplish.
"Kanan, this isn't working," Ezra said dejectedly. "Whenever I try to clear my mind and open up to the force, something else decides to push its way in. It's hopeless. I keep thinking about what I ate for breakfast or how I want shove chopper out the Ghost while we're in hyperspace."
Kanan shook his head with a grin of understanding.
"You remind me a lot of myself when I was your age." He remembered easily losing focus and lacking discipline. was by far the most monotonous of a Jedi's ways. "lets try finding a more quiet atmosphere. The cargo hold is obviously not and ideal location for beginners.
The meditation training that Kanan was instructing was anything but effective. In the days of his youth, he never took a liking to meditation and he despised teaching it. Of course, he held back from telling this to Ezra for fear of discouraging him even more.
"If only he could concentrate, this whole training business would so much smoother."
After a solid two hours or so, the pair made their way back to the Ghost.
"Any luck?" Hera asked doubtfully.
"Even if he had any 'luck', it wouldn't do the kid any good," Kanan spat. "Meditating isn't based on chance. It requires control, something Ezra has a paltry supply of."
"You really need to stop treating him like a student."
"Oh, why is that? So that Ezra can teach me instead?"
"No, just don't treat him like a student all the time. He had his childhood torn away from him at age seven. Whether he knows it or not, Ezra is longing for a father figure in his life. He's lonely; not as lonely as he was before he tagged along with us, but he needs someone to guide him as well as understand him and care for him."
Kanan digested Hera's words for several moments before answering.
"I do care for him."
"Oh come on, the biggest reason you let him come with us is because he's force sensitive. Don't think for a second that I can't see right through you, Kanan Jarrus."
With a sigh, Kanan reluctantly agreed. Back in the days when the Republic was strong, he was made a part of the Jedi way of life at a very young age. He had many Jedi masters to look to for mentoring as well as friends he could relate to. This was something Ezra didn't have the luxury of. He knew Hera was right, yet he had no conceivable idea of how to begin.
"Maybe I can talk to him later about it- after we find a solution to his nightmares." Kanan finally said.
"The sooner the better. He's hasn't been himself for a few days now." Hera turned toward the cockpit but spoke before walking inside, "I'm worried about him."
"So am I, Hera. So am I." came Kanan's answer after he was alone.
Sabine was working on another mural in her cabin when she heard Ezra walking to his own, or rather the one that Zeb reluctantly shared with him. She could tell by his fast, heavy footfalls that he was upset by the day's exercises with Kanan. She surveyed her work of a wrecked Imperial Star Destroyer and added a few more sprays with her paint gun before stepping back to admire it.
"It could use some more time, but it can wait for now." She resolved.
As Ezra lay on his bunk feeling like a failure, he noticed that the soft hissing of Sabine's paint gun had gone silent. For the time being, it was his ambient sound to keep away intrusive silence, and Ezra wished she would begin again. Instead he was startled by Sabine as she stood waiting in his doorway.
"Mind if I come in?" she asked after her pause at the door.
"Can't stop you. You've got more right to this ship than I do." His words were more harsh than what he expected. He desperately needed to think twice about certain things. Sabine wisely chose to ignore his tone.
"Just wanted to know how training was today." Sabine ventured. Considering his unstable mood at the moment, She decided to take the conversation slow at first, and maybe he would open up a little more about what was really bothering him. Unknown to her, it was mental torture.
"It's a load of dewback shit." Ezra snapped with contempt. "Kanan expects me to sit on a dusty hill with my eyes closed for hours at a time. Doesn't he understand we have more important things to do around here? I mean, do you have any idea how long I've left my stormtrooper helmet collection unorganized?"
Sabine appreciated sarcasm, but she was here for other purposes.
"Seems boring." She agreed. "What does Kanan think meditation will do for you?"
"Pfft, how should I know. He's always so confident the force can do anything. He wants me to 'open my mind' and let it probe my brain with its mystical magical powers." Ezra said, waving his hands and emphasizing 'mystical and magical powers' with another heavy dose of sarcasm. "He somehow thinks it will help me with..." he trailed off.
"With the… dreams?" Sabine questioned cautiously, careful to avoid the word 'nightmare'.
Ezra felt his face becoming gradually warmer, and most certainly more red.
"I didn't ask for an interrogation! If I wanted one, I would have turned myself in to the Empire by now." Even before the words were spoken, he had begun to regret them. "Damn, I did it again."
"Ezra, please, I didn't mean to do anything like that… We're all worried." she paused a while. "You scare us when you wake up in the middle of the night."
"Yeah? Well that's cute, because I'm downright Terrified!" Ezra countered, ending his sentence practically shouting. "You have no idea what it's like Sabine! Ever since I rescued Kanan from the Inquisitor, I've felt cold! Not the kind of cold in space, but an emptiness. I feel like I've had the life sucked out of me, like I'll never be happy again, like I've failed, like I've lost EVERYTHING! It's manageable when I'm awake, but when I'm asleep I see The Inquisitor. I see him torturing and killing. He holds me back while the rest of you are in agony! He says I can make it all go away as long as I join him, as long as I am willing to give in and kneel to him! I can't let him, Sabine. I can't let him hurt Kanan, or Zeb, Hera, or, YOU!" He finished without realizing the emphasis he put on the final word. Ezra was shaking now, breathing heavily, and feeling like one of Lothal's moons had fallen from the sky and directly onto him.
Sometime during his outbreak, Ezra stood up, which by now had left him feeling dizzy and disoriented. The next thing he realized, Sabine had one arm around his back and the other holding his head, which was positioned on her shoulder. For some reason unknown to him, Ezra wrapped his own arms around Sabine. It was a new feeling for him, or at least one he hadn't felt since the day his parents were ripped away. His mother used to hold him almost exactly like this, the only difference being that he rested his head on his mother's left shoulder instead of the right. Ezra was feeling… warm. The life seemed to be overflowing into him as If Sabine's embrace was a bonfire casting its light into the darkness of his abyss.
Sabine stood there cradling his head, searching for words.
"I'm so sorry, Ezra. I didn't know." Not much, but there wasn't much else to be said. Even through her armor, she could feel his heart rate finally slowing down from a pounding echo to a more reasonable pace. "I didn't know you had to see the Inquisitor every night." Mentioning the Inquisitor left a bitter taste in her mouth. She now understood why Ezra woke up in such a fright.
"Thanks, Sabine." he choked out, clearly overwhelmed. He was twitching in an effort to keep from shedding any more tears like those he had when in Sabine's arms. She seemed to notice anyway.
"You know, It's ok to cry a little sometimes," Sabine said trying to sound soothing. "I used to after I realized my mistake in joining the Imperial Academy. I didn't have much chance to see my family or friends ever again, and still dont, really."
This made Ezra less uneasy, and he composed himself.
"Hey, come to my cabin, I wanna show you something" Sabine announced, trying to brighten the mood.
As Ezra stepped into Sabine's cabin, his mouth just hung open in awe of the scene before him. Opposite her bed was painted a downed star destroyer embedded in the sand. It was early evening, just as the stars were creeping out, yet still light outside. Kanan was standing with Hera atop the main bridge next to one of the shield generators. The pair was looking down upon Ezra and Sabine mounted on a speeder who were trying to out-match Zeb. Chopper hanging for dear life from the back of Zebs Speeder made Ezra chuckle. Sometimes that little astromech droid really pissed him off.
"Sabine, this is Incredible." He finally said, evidently awestruck by the scene that extended from wall to wall. Even with all the commotion it depicted, There was something oddly relaxing about it. Maybe it was the stars, softly brushed into the backdrop of sky.
"Thanks, kid." She teased. Sabine knew get Ezra worked up, but this time he didnt notice that she said 'kid' instead of his name.
"I feel like I could sit here for hours looking at this… The detail is amazing, although you missed the ion canons on the star destroyer, and the sand dunes could use some shadowing. I gotta hand it to you though, I think chopper is perfect where he is. It suits him."
"Mkay listen, kid, I haven't exactly finished it yet. Just be thankful I let you see it before it's done."
"Right." Ezra mumbled in a distracted tone.
"You gave me an idea, since you like it so much, do you want to move in here for a while? I'm sure Zeb wouldn't object." Sabine didn't exactly know why she was making such an offer, but it felt like the right thing to do. "Of course, I would ask Hera if I could bunk with her." She added.
"You would really do that?"
"Sure, why not? Looks like its doing you some good already."
"I can't thank you enough. I mean, you've put so much work into the rest of the room. I kinda feel bad making you move into a plain gray cabin with half the space."
"Ezra. Space is infinite, you Gungan."
"Wow, a pun. I guess you're serious."Ezra concluded with a grin. "I guess I'll let you talk to Hera while I get my stuff." He didn't own a great many things, but he still wasn't thinking all too clearly. He gave her another quick hug before leaving in a hurry. "Funny how something as simple as a hug could be so therapeutic."