Part 2: Nothing

So I stumble there, along the railings and the fences
I know if we're face to face then she'll come to her senses.
Every drunk step I take leads me to her door,
If she sees how much I'm hurting
She'll take me back for sure

There was a moment between a glass and a complain to himself, that Richard opened his eyes wide and took a sudden decision. It was his last chance, his last moment to try and stop that wedding before it was too late, because actually he was realizing that it was not too late – not yet at least. Alcohol always tended to have that effect on him: giving him courage, making himself believe in his own chances, pushing him to do something stupid without any reservations left. Maybe he never wanted to stop thinking, he had just wanted to stop thinking rationally.

So he stood up and although he couldn't actually feel his body, it seemed to respond to the command of his mind pretty well. He headed to the door, opened it and just started walking into the empty silent hallways of the hospital, and then out into the cold darkness. What he had to lose anyway? He had already lost everything, after all. Every step was leading him to her door; he was thinking about what to tell her, about how to tell it to her… And all the while, his feet walked alone and in the right direction. It surprised him a bit how fast he got there, but not much more than his own total lack of indecision as he knocked repeatedly on her door.

And if Richard didn't hesitate to knock, Isobel didn't hesitate to open the door, appearing in front of him in all her slightly sleepy beauty and with a predictably astonished look on her face.

And I know that I'm drunk but I'll say the words,
And she'll listen this time even though they're slurred,
So I dialed her number and confessed to her,
I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing…

"Isobel, let me speak" he started to say immediately with all the new found courage he got now.

He didn't even wait for her to invite him in, he didn't even care for that. He was in a rush, because time was running out and his impulsiveness could have run out at any moment as well. Somehow, she seemed to understand, because she only gave him a small smile and a nod; instead of interrupting him as he feared, she was actually silently encouraging and he didn't need anything else at the moment.

"Don't marry him" he said with an uncharacteristically bluntness. "I am in love with you, I am the right man for you and maybe I'm presumptuous or maybe just drunk, but I think that you belong with me… Isobel, don't marry him please. Marry me instead"

He had spoken with his whole heart open and now, whether it would be filled with joy or emptied by bleeding, it was all up to her. Now that he had spoken, he could only wait for her to make her part as well and say something. After she had allowed him to say what he had been keeping for himself for ages, he needed something else from her: he needed to be accepted or refused, basically to be taken in any sort of consideration, in a final, clear and definitive way.

"Isobel, what do you say?"

But she just remained still and silent. The smile was still on her face, even bigger than before, but it seemed paralyzed, fake, distant. She was still smiling but she was saying nothing.

Oh I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh I got nothing (Nothing, nothing...)
I got nothing, I got nothing

He wanted to repeat the question one more time, he wanted to grab her by the arms and shake her; but the words were caught in his troat as he was the one being shaken. In fact, he clearly felt a hand on her shoulder, a hand that could not belong to Isobel. A pair of eyes was staring back at him, but they were not the beloved brown ones, and a voice was speaking to him, but it was not the one he was so desperatly longing to hear: a person was standing in front of him indeed, but that person was defintely not Isobel Crawley.

"Doctor Clarkson… Richard… It was just a bad dream, everything is fine"

Richard opened his eyes, this time for real, and as his eyes started to get used to the awful reality once again, he met nurse Joan's worrying face. He wanted to tell her that it had not been a bad dream at all, he wanted to tell her that nothing was right, but he didn't; not because he didn't want to appear weak though, but because he knew that that dear girl already knew all about it.

She was the orphan child of one of his friends in Downton and, a couple of years before, he had taken her under his wing, offering her a job as nurse and basically looking after her. Slowly they had developed a sort of uncle-niece relationship, maybe even a father-daughter one, and unavoidably, being the closest person he had, she had learnt much about his feelings for the presumely future Lady Merton – surely more than Isobel herself knew, maybe even more than Richard himself cared to admit.

"I think you drank too much and that is bad… Just go lay down a few hours, there is no emergency here anyway" Joan continued gently, while trying to make him stand up and follow her suggestion.

He didn't answer, but just did as she said, letting her steady her during the short walk. Only when they reached one of the empty beds destinated to the patients and she was about to hide him behind the blue curtain, he stopped her. And it was actually Doctor Clarkson and not Richard speaking.

"If there is any emergency…"

"Don't worry about it, just have some rest and get over your state. If there is any emergency, I'll call Doctor Cooper…"

As he saw the girl leaving him alone, he just placed his head on the pillow and closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a bitter chuckle. Doctor Cooper of course, the young and progressive doctor sent to practice in Downton Cottage Hospital from York. He was sure that Joan only wanted to be useful, but yet her words cut him a bit more, since he was hit by a tragic realization.

He was so terribly replaceable – by Doctor Cooper, by Lord Merton.

After all, he had nothing and he was nothing.

I don't know why but there is a "Nurse Joan" appearing in almost every single story I've written about Richard, so I'm glad I've finally said something more about her. Anyway, next - and also last - chapter will be a bit brighter for our good doctor, I promise:)