Author's note: apologies to lovers of Alice in Wonderland and The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The children and their parents filed into the hall. The littlest ones sat at the front and the teenagers sat as far to the back as possible, hoping not to be noticed. Village pantos were not really cool places to be seen but it was a Nanrunnel tradition and no one wanted to offend Lord Asherton. Besides there would be fireworks over the harbour at eight o'clock, just after the show finished.

"Fair crowd," Barbara said nervously.

"About two hundred normally," Tommy replied.

"Two hundred! I can't do this in front of two hundred people!"

"Of course you can. It'll be dark. Just pretend they're not there." Tommy took her hand and squeezed it. He wanted to kiss her but now was not the time. They had both been embarrassed when Stuart had glared at their clasped hands earlier. Tommy had not even realised he had hold of her fingers until then. Barbara had laughed it off about being unsteady in heels and they had both rapidly dropped their hands.

"Easier said than done." Barbara squeezed his hand when he started to loosen his grip, then took a deep breath. She was trying to tell him that if this was more than friendship she was willing.

"You'll be fine." Tommy took the chance and gave her a quick, friendly peck on her cheek. He stepped back quickly enough to see her blush and smile. Tonight he would kiss her properly. He felt a foolish grin break across his face. She grinned back so he gave her a very quick kiss on her other cheek. A definite promise of things to come. "Right, I'd better go adjust my whiskers. See you onstage."

"Break a leg!" she called after him. When he was out of sight she jumped up and down excitedly on the spot. He brought out her inner schoolgirl.

"Five minutes! Five minutes till curtains open," Dorothy called as she clapped her hands at them, "places please."

Back in his tree trunk, Stuart took his position. He had loosened the straps he had found to a more relaxed fit. He coughed lightly to clear his voice. He nodded to the huge lad from a farm outside town whom he had paid five pounds to operate the curtains. The lad began to pull the heavy chain and the curtains slowly jerked apart. The boy moved and nearly tripped over the bucket of water than was there as a fire bucket. Stuart tried hard not to laugh. He regained his composure as the curtain finally opened.

Dorothy had turned on the music. It sounded like Peter and the Wolf meets the Beach Boys. Heavens knew where she had found it but it suited the surreality of the panto. The noises from the audience faded to rustling silence. His moment of fame was upon him. The spotlight shone awkwardly in his eyes then lowered to pool him in glory.

"Once upon a time in a forest behind Nanrunnel there lived an innocent lass called Janice who used to skip through the trees and talk to the animals. All the creatures of the forest would gather to wave to her as she passed and the trees would tell her tales of the wind. The spotlight widened to illuminate the stage and Barbara skipped around humming 'it's a Wonderful World'. The aidience cheered the heroine.

The spotlight focussed back on Stuart. "Then one day a new and menacing force was evicted from London and had to move into the forest..."

Winston stepped out. "Nya ha ha!" he menaced, "my name is Witch Way and I'm the new wicked witch of the Cornwall forests. I will control the forest and all its creatures!" The audience booed loudly. Nkata waved his broom at them. "None of that or I'll turn you all into frogs. Mind you from the look of it that would be an improvement!"

Winston moved close to Stuart. He pulled a small cauldron from under his cloak then broke off a branch of Stuart's tree. "Ow that hurt!"

"Shut up Tree of History or I'll chop you down and build a house. Nya ha ha!" The audience booed again. This time there were hisses.

Winston turned his back on the tree and bent over the cauldron to light a fire so his backside was facing Stuart. A loud, long, blurting fart noise came from the stage and Winston stood up quickly. The audience laughed. "Phew!" they cried.

"Phew indeed!" agreed Stuart who was now holding his nose with his hand that was encased in a leaf-covered glove.

Winston laughed. "Plenty more where that came from. I had twenty caterpillar burgers last night. Now for my evil spell. Add three drops of yak's blood..." Winston scratched his head and looked at the cover of the book he was reading from. "I knew I should have bought an English spell book rather than one on Amazon. Cow blood will have to do." Winston pretended to add ingredients to his pot and began to chant. "Double bubble brew of trouble, fire burn the woods to rubble, make all the creatures big and small, look like idiots one and all!"

Dorothy rapidly turned the lights off and on a few times and hit a pan with a spoon to simulate thunder and lightening. "A foul air fills the woods and all in it are afraid," Stuart said ominously.

There was a rustling noise. "I'm not yet ready. I must hide until my spell is prepared," Witch Way bemoaned. Winston gathered his pot and moved offstage.

Tommy came in from the other side. He roared rather timidly then hopped around the stage pretending to forage. He stopped next to Stuart and lifted his leg. He let out a long satisfied sigh. That had not been in the script. "Rabbits don't wee on trees!" Stuart complained.

"Lion-rabbits do." Tommy said with decided glee then hopped away to explore the grass on the other side of the stage.

Barbara came skipping onto the stage near Stuart, singing. "Tonight's gonna be a good, good night. A feeling, woo hoo, that tonight's gonna be a good night." She move closer towards the spot Tommy was frozen. "That tonight's gonna be a good night.*"

Winston burst from the trees. "What do we have here? Nya ha ha!" The audience booed. "A fine looking lass, ripe for corrupting."

"Who are you?"

"Witch Way!"

"To where?"

"No, I'm Witch Way, Wicked Witch of all Cornwall."

"You don't look very wicked. You're clothes don't fit and you have a five o'clock shadow." The audience laughed and booed Winston as he tried to adjust his clothes.

"I lost my real clothes in a spell that went wrong. Cheap imported eye of newt; it's just not the same. Anyway the witches' op shop was a little short on options. Seems a lot of witches are now going to Hogwarts and have taken all the glamour gowns. We working witches are left with the dregs. Why are you so happy?"

"I'm in the woods." Barbara spread her arms. "They're peaceful and beautiful."

Winston raised his arms and swung them down in a spell. "Piffle on the woods!" The lights flashed and the thunder noise returned. The stage plunged into darkness. The audience gasped.

When the lights came up there was less light and the backdrop seemed gloomier. "And so poor little Janice was left alone in the woods. She sat waiting and worrying what to do..."

Barbara sat on the log. Huge wracking sobs came from her. Tommy moved up beside her. "Don't cry."

Barbara leapt up and squealed. "What are you?"

"I'm Bradley, the lion-rabbit."

"Lion-rabbit? Your father was a lion and you mother was a rabbit?"

"No, the other way I think would be more...practical."

"But you're purple!"

"It's a long story. What's your name?"

"Janice."

"What a sweet name. I know we will be friends."

The lights faded except for a spotlight on Stuart. "Little does Janice know that Bradley was once a Prince who was picnicking in the forest when the previous wicked witch turned him into a lion-rabbit, the colour of his cloak."

For the next forty minutes Janice and Bradley had adventures together in the forest, evading Witch Way and talking to the trees and learning the secrets of the forest. They even had time for a tea party. Finally it was time for the showdown. Stuart continued his narration. "Now armed with the secret weapon that would defeat the witch Bradley and Janice waited."

They were sitting on a low bench that was decorated as a fallen tree. Barbara sneezed. It was not in the script and she sneezed again. "Are you okay?" Tommy asked.

"I think I'm allergic to your fur!" The audience giggled.

"Then I shall shave it off but first we must defeat Witch Way."

"I'm hungry."

Again it was not in the script and Tommy and Stuart began to chuckle. It seemed Barbara had completely forgotten about the audience. "Then I shall feed you later with a platter of Nanrunnel's finest seafood and fruits of the forest but first we must defeat the evil old crone."

"Oi! Not so much of the old," Winston said mischievously. He was not sure why they should have all the ad lib fun.

"Hark, I think I hear her!" Tommy cried. He and Barbara stood up. Stuart noticed they were holding hands again. That was not in the script either but it settled it for him. Winston was not the only one with evil thoughts.

Winston appeared from behind Stuart. The audience booed and called out "behind you, she's behind you."

"Nya ha ha. At last I have you alone." The audience booed loudly. The strains of Surrender** wafted from the speakers.

"Your Cheap Tricks can't defeat us Witch Way," Bradley cried. "Nobody wants to want you." The adults in the audience groaned.

Winston raised his hand. "Behold the Magic Purple Orchid. It has the power to command you to my will."

"Well, it is rather stunning," Bradley agreed looking at the shiny metal photo Winston was holding up to mesmerise them.

"Is everything in this forest purple?" Barbara asked as she gave Tommy an elbow in the ribs. It was only now she realised they were holding hands again. "Be a prince Sir! Put up your magic shield and fight with the boldness of your lion, the speed of your rabbit and the courage of your heritage. Oh and here's that potion."

Tommy drew himself up to full height and charged at the witch. The audience cheered and yelled instructions and encouragement. He grabbed Winston and in a practiced move threw him onto the soft mat hidden from the audience's view. They grappled as the audience yelled 'fight, fight, fight!'. Finally Winston made a last straggering attempt to stand then fell down in a dramatic death after Tommy liberally sprinkled him with the potion. The audience clapped and stamped their feet.

"Oh brave Bradley, my hero!"

This was the point where the curtain was supposed to close but Stuart did not give the signal. "And so now our hero and heroine are alone. Will he reveal himself to her?" The audience tittered and Barbara and Tommy glared at him. Even the dead witch guffawed.

"Why, what do you mean Tree of Knowledge?" Barbara asked with fake innocence.

"A lion-rabbit? You seriously think a lion bred with a rabbit? Ask him about the spell that made him so."

Tommy took up the thread. "Tis true Janice. I was turned to this by the last wicked witch. I am a prince now trapped forever in this body."

"Can nothing be done?"

"Alas no. The curtain must fall on me like this." It was a clear instruction to Stuart.

Stuart actually laughed at him. "Poor Prince. You can free him with a kiss!" The audience cheered. Stuart used his branch-arms to whip them up. "Kiss, kiss, kiss!" he cried with a cheeky grin.

The audience took up the chant. "Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!"

* Black Eyed Peas, 'I Gotta Feeling'

** Cheap Trick, 'Surrender'