Prompt: Beautiful peoples Katherine and Eden (or LikeTotallyEden on YouTube) who wrote the amazing 2009 phan song recently wrote a phan song called 2012 and its so great and it makes me so emo and it fucked up my life about how great it is. Watch it above. You will love it, and you will cry. Both guaranteed. This is an inspired Song!Fic
Genre: Angst. So much angst. Be prepared my snuggle muffins.
Triggers: sad, homophobia, self hate, and drinking
Words: 2118
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Things used to be so much easier when we were so much younger
I denied who I once was because who I once was wasn't me
I remember all the days back in 2009. We had three hour breakfasts, and watched films on your sofa. We were in our own little bubble. Puppy love some called it. Oblivious to all the hate in the world, all the negativity towards our love. Oh what I wouldn't give to have that back.
we once fell in love but now we're just falling
we were falling and now we're just stalling
I can't help it. Everyday I see you and it pains me. Once we were loud and happy and together, but now we're just stuck. I don't know what to do Phil. You were always better at relationships than I was. What do we do?
I love you but it hurts to speak out loud
Everyone tells me what I'm feeling is wrong. I shouldn't be gay. I can'tbe gay. It's wrong and vulgar. But if it's so wrong, how can this feel so right? My heart isn't wrong. My love isn't wrong. But I no matter how much I want to be heard. I don't speak.
when im speaking though speakers, talking through filters
everything I say just comes out wrong
"God Phil! Get out! I don't need you here! I'm not in love with you!" I yelled and ran out of the house. I couldn't handle this. I can't. It's not fair everyone is constantly telling me what I should and should not be. If that fucking video didn't leak, God... What did I do to deserve this?
The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared
I don't love him. I don't. I can't. It's wrong. It's everyone else's fault! I'm not I'm not gay!
only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up
I can never bare to look at Phil. When we bump into each other at the flat every word out of our mouths is forced. He grits his teeth and clenches his fist. I can't help but flinch. Phil never used to be aggressive. Did I make his like this? Why did me and my stupid feelings have to fuck everything up?
I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine
but you're not longer mine
I hear Phil slam the door to the flat. Probably leaving to get away from me. I wish I could get away from me too. All of these stupid fucking thoughts about Phil buzzing around my head all the time.
I place my laptop on the ground and lay my head back on my pillows. I lied there for what felt like hours, I only came to my senses when I felt something damp on my cheeks. I didn't realize I was crying. It seems like in the last months I've done everything but cry. Some days I would lash out and yell and kick and scream. Some days I would go to pubs and drink all my thoughts away. Every single brief thought of those beautiful blue eyes would be washed away with cheap liquor and desperation.
I wiped hastily at the tears leaking from my cloudy brown eyes. I want to feel Phil's arms wrapped around me like they used to. I want him to hold me tight and wipe the tears away. But he can't. Because I can't love him and he can't love me.
Sobs rock my body and my lungs convulsed. I can't remember the last time I cried so much. I hold my own arms tight around me, just like Phil would. If he didn't think I hated him. Just the opposite. I hated how much I loved him. Everyone said my love was wrong. I hated it, I hated that my love for you wasn't real to anyone else. I hated that because of my stupid feelings, you're no longer in my arms.
Last night you slammed the door and the wood hitting the wall broke our red string of fate
"Dan! Stop it! Just stop it!" Phil screamed at me, with tear tracks down his face.
"I'll stop when you stop acting like we can still be friends!" I yelled back. I saw all the color drain from his face and his eyes narrow. He didn't look upset anymore. He looked so angry.
"Stop being friends? What the fuck has gotten into Dan?! What happened to you? Last time I checked you'd be dead without me Dan! How can you treat our relationship like it's nothing Dan?!" Phil yelled harshly.
"Fuck off P-Phil! Don't you u-unders-stand t-this isn't a fucking rel-lationship! I d-don't need you a-anymore!" I yelled with my voice breaking cracking.
"Whatever you say Dan," Phil said flatly, turning around and running back to his room.
you're that little ray of sun that burns me and blinds me with your light.
my candle glows brightly but yours outshines me, blind me with its light
Every morning I woke up, life seemed pointless. My best friend hates me, I hate myself. Everything is fucked. As much as I say I don't, I need Phil.I need him so much. Phil was my light that helped me every second of every day. My entire world is black and lifeless without him. Nothing seems to be important without Phil. The entire world has died because he's gone, and he was my entire world.
I love you but it hurts to speak out loud
when im speaking though speakers, talking through filters
everything I say just comes out wrong
"I hate you I hate you I hate you!"
God, I love you so much Phil it pains me.
"Get out! I hate being with you!"
Please never leave me. I don't know what I would do with myself.
"Why are you still here?!"
Why haven't you left me yet Phil. Gone to someone better, more stable, who's willing to come out and be with their boyfriend in public.
"Get out."
You can do so much better than me Phil. I don't deserve you. Don't let my stupid fucking petty issues drag you down. You're better off without me.
The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared
I remember the day the video leaked. It was all such a blur. You kept apologizing, at first I thought you were crazy, it wasn't your fault the fucking video got released. I told you to stay calm and that everything would blow over. We both knew our excuse "it was just a prank" probably would't work on the fans but we tried anyways. For most of the days after the accident, I was the one comforting you. Seeing you stressed broke my heart and I always tried my best to keep you in good spirits.
It was like our roles were reversed, you kept being anxious and stressed and I would calm you down and distract us with video games and forts and films.
But after a while, the constant scrutiny of "omg dan r u like a fag!?1!1" got to me. Suddenly me comforting you turned into me talking harshly about how we just shouldn't film videos together. And that turned into me talking about how we just shouldn't go out in public together.
And after the last months, I said, maybe we just shouldn't be together.
I hated it, every single word I uttered. Only at the time my brain told myself that I, we,would be better off not dating. The worst fucking mistake of my life.
only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up
I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine
but you're not longer mine
Sometimes I feel like maybe this is all a dream. One day I'll wake up in your arms and you'll kiss my forehead like you used to. We'll cuddle and kiss and be in love just like we used to.
But every single day I wake up, alone. We're in separate bedrooms and we don't even speak. I'm so desperate to get you back yet, everyday, I only push you farther away.
The way you had my heart when we were younger pretty quickly disappeared
only looking through the holes in my fingers but my skin it healing up
I keep telling myself the lies im fine im fine im fine
but you're not longer mine
I hear you sobs through the walls of our flat. All I want to do is go into your room and hug you, make you smile again, hear your loud laugh instead of the wrecking sobs. Your crying is because of me. All your tears and days spent wasting your thoughts on me. It's my fault we became like this. Constantly on edge, slowly breaking and wasting away.
Oh Phil, how I wish you were still in my arms.
little ray of sun, do you think that we are done?
"Phil, we need to talk," I say as I knock on his door.
"Yeah like we haven't been talking for the last 8 months," Phil replies back sarcastically. I don't blame him. If I was Phil, I would punch Dan in the face.
"Phil can I at least come in?" I ask desperately. And I was; I was so desperate to speak to Phil when we aren't screaming or crying. Or sometimes both.
The second I walked in any remark he was about to say got caught in his throat, his face fell and he remained silent.
"Phil, I... I... I don't know what to do," I said, searching for the correct words.
"Neither do I Dan," Phil said quietly, without raising his head or looking me in the eyes.
"I don't want you to leave. God, p-pl-please don't leave me Phil," I said desperately. As if this was my last pleading moment before Phil would get up and walk out of my life forever.
"I would never leave Dan... Its just..." Phil starts.
"Just what?" I look up hurriedly, not knowing where Phil was leading this.
"Just that... is this the end? Of us?" Phil asks, his eyes are gathering tears and he does nothing to stop it.
"I don't know Phil, I don't know. But I hope not," Is all I said before I exited Phil's room and walked into my own.
you're that little ray of sun that burns me and blinds me with your light
my candle glows brightly but yours outshines me, blind me with its light
Phil is my light, and I can't bare to lose him.
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A/N: I know I said my next one shot was going to be the continuation of the poem "Hazel Eyes" but this song came out yesterday and I immediately wanted to write a song!fic for it. I hope you all liked it but sorry if this sucks. I wrote it all in about 5 hours. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and have a happy new year!
Btw this one shot is dedicated to phanatic_bandgirl for being amazing an sweet.
Unrelated news but on Christmas Eve i came out to my family (basically just the siblings I hadn't came out to yet) and my brothers kinda pissed me off. Like my brothers Alex and Matthew were basically like 'we get you're gay, just don't flaunt it so much'. And I'm just like tf? I had already came out to my mom, 2 sisters, and my brother Gabriel and his girlfriend before them, so on Christmas Eve I came out to my brothers Matthew, David, Alex and Alex's fiance. None of them were homophobic but I wa awkward. Uh, I guess it could've been worse. But like, the question "when did you first know" UH IDFK MAYBE WHEN I REALIZED I WASN'T STRAIGHT DUMBASS ITS NOT THAT HARD TO COMPREHEND.
Okay, I'm sorry for being annoying.
Anyways, ilysm 3 love you my snuggle muffins
xxxxxx Nicole