I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.

Dying

Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.
It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.

Excerpts from "Lady Lazarus", Sylvia Plath

VI: Lady Lazarus

What the shit? Kaidan, on Horizon?

Joker stared at the data screens in front of him, not really seeing. He had been eavesdropping on Shepard and The Illusive Man's conversation...nothing out of the usual, really. But hearing his former shipmate was on Horizon made Joker's blood run cold. Kaidan. At the mention of the sentinel's name, he felt his chest begin to tighten. Suddenly, he couldn't take in enough oxygen. The tips of his fingers and toes began to numb, and his breathing became erratic. He tried to calm his heart rate, but the bridge became dark as his eyes rolled back in his head.

Pain everywhere. Bones grinding against each other every time he breathed. The feeling of fists hitting his gut. The sharp smell of ozone. His brain registering the smell as biotics. Pain, and then black. Nothingness.

"Shit!"

Joker clutched the armrests, his knuckles turning white. He hadn't thought of that memory in a very, very long time. Chakwas had warned him about emotional triggers. He took a deep, steadying breath; in through his nose, out through his mouth. Gradually his heart rate returned to normal, and he slumped in his chair, cold sweat chilling his skin.

"Joker? Are you ok?"

The sound of metal boots on the gangway pulled him out of his panicked haze. Garrus, fully armored, spun his chair around. The pilot leaned his head against the back of his seat and squeezed his eyes closed. "Yeah, just give me a minute." He clenched and unclenched his hands, trying to return feeling to his fingers.

Garrus knelt next to the chair, his head cocked to the side. "You don't look ok."

Joker opened his eyes and stared at the cockpit canopy, watching blue and indigo currents eddy over the surface of his ship. "Alenko is on Horizon," he said, his voice barely a whisper. Garrus stood abruptly and said something in turian that even Joker's impressive lexiconical program couldn't translate. "Yeah, that about sums it up. And of course, the Illusive Jackass has Shepard going down there to 'investigate'. So, naturally, shit is going to hit the proverbial fan." He slumped further in his chair. "Fuck. I need a drink. Or ten."

Garrus made a low growling noise in his throat and shook his head. "That's not really what you need and you know it." He ran a hand along his fringe and snapped his teeth together. "Don't make me confiscate all the liquor on the ship and give it to Chakwas. You know I'll do it."

"Yeah, yeah, I get it." He waved a hand at the turian, rolling his eyes. "I'm fine." Joker cleared his throat, checking the status of their FTL vector. Shit. Two minutes. He shook out his hands. It wouldn't pay to be panicky now, in case they needed to make a quick break for it. Shepard would be taking the shuttle down, and Joker would use the curve of the planet to hide from any ladar the Collector ship had.

"Are you ready to go, Garrus?"

The sound of Shepard's footsteps walking up the gangway made his stomach clench again. He cursed the Illusive Jackass over and over in his mind, wanting desperately to punch something, but first hand experience told him that would be incredibly unwise.

"I am," Garrus replied, his voice wary. If Shepard noticed, she said nothing. Joker felt her come up behind his chair, grabbing it for balance as they shifted out of FTL.

"Be on the lookout, Joker," she said, laying a gloved hand on his shoulder. "The Collector ship is in the system."

Out of pure reflex, he jerked forward, surprised at the contact. The hurt look on her face made his gut twist even more, and he swore internally. Garrus, ever tactful, took her by the shoulders and steered her back down the gangway, muttering something about seeker swarms.

It had been over two years since Joker had seen Kaidan Alenko. They had been debriefed together; Kaidan had stuck to the Alliance's official version of the story, while Joker couldn't stomach defaming Shepard's hard work in exchange for a promotion. The pilot was now well-rehearsed in the sentinel's dossier -thanks to Cerberus- which did nothing but solidify his idea that the biotic was unstable, at best, and possibly a sociopath. His gentle manner and soft-spoken ways managed to charm the brass that mattered, while Joker's biting snark and refusal to parrot the Alliance's bullshit story got him grounded. There had been the debriefing in the hospital the few months after the crash, and the full-panel brass grilling once he was discharged. Kaidan was only present for the latter, but made a show of discounting everything Joker said.

They had gotten along quite well before the destruction of the SR-1; Kaidan was a fastidious navigator, and followed procedure to the book. There had never been any indication of his mental instability during their hunt for Saren, except the occasional migraines from his L2 implant. During an episode, he would sequester himself to the med bay for hours at a time, refusing to see or speak to anyone. At first, Joker felt bad for the man. But as time progressed, Alenko began using his migraines as a way to garner sympathy from Shepard, and if she saw through the ploy or not, she was always commiserating. What began as innocent curiosity eventually gave way to Kaidan actually pursuing Shepard; Joker knew better than to think they had actually done anything, but the thought still made his heart clench painfully.

Fucking Alenko, he thought, and busied himself with watching the ladar readouts. With the radio jamming in place, he needed to be diligent; and he couldn't afford to lose another Normandy.

The colony was deathly silent, apart from the constant drone of the seeker swarms. Mordin's countermeasures seemed to be holding up; the bug-like creatures seemed to be just a minor annoyance rather than paralyzing them outright. The sky above was churning violently, tinted a sickly yellow as the clouds swirled around the hulking Collector ship. Shepard's gut had dropped to her feet at the sight of the vessel; immediate fear for the Normandy, which she knew was hiding somewhere along the curve of the planet, and for the colonists that were missing.

They hit the ground running, Garrus and Grunt flanking her as they made their way through abandoned prefab pods. The krogan seemed to be taking everything in with wide eyes. Shepard doubted Okeer had imprinted any information regarding the Collectors. So far, he was proving to be a valuable asset. His new favorite move was allowing a hoard of husks to overtake him, the cybernetic zombies clinging to his armor and moaning. He would then throw himself bodily against any solid surface, leaving dents and crushed husk corpses in his wake. Shepard had to admit it was an interesting tactic, but it kept a majority of the husks off her so she could focus her biotic hits on the Collector drones.

She tried not to dwell at Joker's sudden and inexplicable coldness towards her, instead concentrating all of her frustrations into the form of biotic energy. The new amp had yet to overheat, even as she was holding a fairly large singularity ten feet in the air as Garrus dispatched of the drones caught in the mass field. The familiar feel of adrenaline had flooded her system, pushing any thoughts that didn't involve surviving from her mind.

But, with each empty building, Shepard felt herself growing angrier. They had arrived too late to stop the ship from claiming its victims. She felt a touch of fear and claustrophobia as they examined a few of the stasis pods, knowing that almost the entire colony had been taken away in similar fashion. Humans, trying to further humanity's reach in the galaxy, working hard to make a living on a planet that barely resembled her home world. Inevitably, her thoughts were interrupted by incoming Collector drones, and she rolled into cover, drawing her shotgun. "Garrus, get up on top of that pod if you can. Grunt, with me. I'm going to lift them, and you shoot. On my mark!"

She felt the electric tingle of biotic energy as it enveloped her form. Reaching out into nothingness, she touched the air at its molecular level, feeling it bend. Cupping the energy in her hand, she launched it into the foray, a corner of her mind still maintaining the mass field. Several drones were drawn off their feet, floating helplessly as Grunt began raining down shotgun blasts. Garrus sprinted to the nearest pod, scaling it in no time, and was picking off husks with his sniper.

One of the Collector drones suddenly fell to its knees, its form becoming swathed in a smoldering glow of flame and flesh. Suddenly, it shot into the air, arcing back on itself, glowing bright as a star.

"ASSUMING CONTROL."

The voice emanated across the battleground, vibrating its way into her head, making her teeth ache. Without hesitation, she flung another singularity at the glowing drone, which was now advancing on her position with a renewed vigor. Its feel never left the ground, but the singularity field was holding it in place; she could see it struggling to break free and raise its weapon.

"YOU WILL OBEY, SHEPARD."

Oh, that's just great. It knows my bloody name. She pulled her shoulders back and launched a warp with as much energy as she could gather; the attack hit her singularity and tore at the drone, blasting it backwards. A move like that would have ripped apart a lesser foe. She grunted in frustration, leaping over her cover and sprinting towards the Collector.

"I WILL DIRECT THIS PERSONALLY."

Sprinting, she gathered a charge of energy, the familiar thrill building in her chest. With a grin, she launched herself at the Collector, driving the butt of her shotgun into its insect-like head. It reeled back from her assault. She leveled her gun and shot the creature point-blank in the chest, watching it explode into a shower of gore. Grunt gave her a shoulder pat and a toothy grin in celebration.

They pressed forward, encountering more drones and husks, before hacking their way into what looked to be the generator facility for the colony. There, they found a mechanic who had retreated into the bowels of the generators to avoid detection. Shepard bit her tongue as the man admitted to abandoning his fellow colonists, taking shelter and locking himself in behind the safety of steel doors.

"This is all the Alliance's fault!" he spat, pacing and throwing his hands up in frustration. "They stationed that Commander Alenko here, and built those defense towers! It made us a target!"

Shepard didn't flinch at the mention of her former cremate. Steeling herself, she glanced sideways at Garrus, who nodded. "Tell me more about this Alenko," she said tightly, crossing her arms.

"Commander Alenko? Heard he was some kind of hero or something." Delan replied. Behind Shepard, Garrus snorted. The mechanic ignored it. "Didn't mean nothin' to me, though. Would've rather he stayed back in Alliance space."

Shepard's mind processed the information. The Illusive Man had mentioned a sort of outreach program, to bridge Alliance relations between colonists. While she didn't doubt Alenko's interpersonal skills, she was aware that he had been given a promotion, and sending a commander in to do political propaganda work seemed like a terrible waste. She felt her spine tingle with apprehension. "Any idea what he was doing on Horizon?"

"He was supposed to be here to help us get the defense towers up and running." Delan shook his head, his voice gruff. "I got the feeling he was here for something else. Spying on us, maybe."

Shepard's brows knotted in consternation. "Tell me more about these defense towers."

Delan ran a dirty hand over his face, leaving streaks of grease on his cheeks. "A gift from the Alliance. Had to build a giant underground generator just to power them, but we couldn't get the targeting systems online. So, they gave us a giant gun that couldn't shoot straight. This is all their fault!"

"Why do you think it's the Alliance's fault?"

"We're just a small colony. Nobody bothered us before we started building those damned defense towers and drew attention to ourselves. I left Council space to get away from the Alliance. Nothing good ever comes from getting mixed up with them."

"The Collectors have been targeting remote colonies. The Alliance is trying to help."

"I don't need their help. Too many strings attached. That rep said he was just here to get the towers online, but mark my word…there's more to it than that."

Delan became increasingly more agitated, and Shepard decided it was best they move on with the mission. She managed to get the location of the tower controls from him, but the man refused to assist. Instead, he locked the door behind them, interface glowing a bright, angry red.

The tower controls were clear across the colony. Several times on their way she tried to raise the Normandy, with no success. She missed Joker's humor in her earpiece, but immediately dismissing the thought when she remembered the cold, closed look on his face when she touched him earlier. Worry about it later, Clementine. "Garrus, Grunt, keep a lookout. I'm going to see if I can get these towers up." GUARDIAN towers were an Alliance invention, and Shepard was relieved to find the software was the usual straight-forward collection of codes. She managed to break through the radio jamming with relative ease. "Shepard to Normandy. Joker?"

There was a crackle of static, and relief flooded through her as Joker's voice reverberated in her ear. "Joker here. Signal's weak, but we've got you Commander."

"Alright." She ran a hand along her ponytail, EDI, can you get these towers online?"

"Errors in the calibration software are easily rectified," the AI replied. "But it will take time to bring the towers to full power. I recommend a defensive posture. I will not be able to mask the increased generator output."

"Let them come," Grunt growled, slamming his fists together with a predatory grin.

"Ok, EDI. Any other tips you have for us?"

"Just one. Enemy reinforcements are closing in. I suggest you ready weapons."

Of course, it wasn't just the usual force of Collector drones and husks. Something large, ugly, and biotic advanced on them, glowing an angry blue. Shepard was sweating profusely, limbs shaking by the time her and her team dispatched the creature. It was a huge relief when EDI finally took control of the towers, firing salvos at the collector ship. For a moment, Shepard thought they had a victory. Until the Collector ship rose off the ground, thrusters melting and boiling any prefab pods in the immediate vicinity.

Delan came sprinting out of his hidey-hole, hands on his head, screaming at the departing ship. "No! Don't let it get away!"

"I'm sorry," Shepard said, laying a hand on the man's shoulder. "We tried our best."

"More than most, Shepard," Garrus calmly agreed. The mechanic snapped his head towards the turian and scowled.

"Shepard…I know that name." Delan took a step towards the commander, narrowing his eyes. "Sure, I remember you. Some kind of hero or something."

"Command Shepard," came a soft voice. Kaidan Alenko emerged from behind a prefab pod, an intrigued look on his face. "Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel." The sentinel stood before her, assessing her. "You're in the presence of a legend, Delan. And a ghost."

"All the good people taken, and you get left behind?" The mechanic gave Alenko a snide look and threw his hands in the air. "Figures. I'm done with you Alliance types." He stalked away.

Shepard watched him go, feeling her gut clench. Kaidan stepped closer to her, his eyebrows knitted together. She could feel the remnants of biotic energy on his skin, her biotics reacting at his proximity. After several moments, he stepped forward and enveloped her in his arms. She froze, holding her breath. On the SR-1, Kaidan had been handsy, but never pushy. His embrace wasn't expected, but she wasn't surprised by his audacity. Two years really changed you, Kaiden. Shepard hesitantly returned it, patting him on the back with a gloved hand.

"I thought you were dead," he said into her hair. "We all did."

She struggled to catch her bearings as he stepped away, a torrent of emotions building in her chest. "I'm sorry, Kaidan. How have you been?"

The change in his demeanor was instantaneous. His eyes narrowed, and his expression became cold and closed. "That's all you have to say?" He pointed a gloved finger at her face. "You show up after two years and act like nothing happened? I thought we had something, Shepard."

"I…Kaidan, what are you talking about?"

"I though we had something real! I loved you!" His face twisted in a pained grimace, biotic energy swirling around his form.

Oh not good. I don't want to hurt you, Kaidan. Reel it in. She took a step back, shaking, her armor smacking into Garrus'. The turian was growling low in his throat.

"Kaidan," she said, holding her hands up in front of her, a pleading gesture. "I'm sorry. You know how I felt at the time. I needed space. I needed time to think."

"Time to think?" Kaidan spat. "You've had two years. Isn't that time enough? Thinking you were dead tore me apart! How could you put me through that?"

It was as if he had struck her across the face. She turned away, tears threatening to spill over.

"Why didn't you try to contact me?" he continued, grabbing her arm. "Why didn't you tell me you were alive?"

"It wasn't my choice!" she yelled, shoving him off biotically. He stumbled backwards, eyes wide and full of hurt. "I was in a coma for two years while Cerberus rebuilt me! I was clinically dead, Kaidan! My own parents don't know I'm alive."

He shook his head and frowned. "You're with Cerberus now." His voice was low and throaty, entirely unlike the Kaidan Alenko she knew. The sentinel turned towards the turian. "Garrus too? I didn't want to think the reports were true…"

"What reports?" the turian said sharply. "You mean you already knew?"

"Alliance intel thought Cerberus might be behind the missing colonists. We got a tip this colony might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me…but there were rumors that you weren't dead. And you were working for the enemy."

She suppressed a sob that rose in her throat. If the Alliance knew about her Cerberus affiliations…panic began to curl in her stomach. She didn't want to be working for Cerberus, especially after all the atrocities her team witnessed the group committing during their search for Saren. But the Alliance wouldn't listen, and she had weighed the price of millions of lives against working for a group with less than admirable goals. She had to choose Cerberus, if it meant saving lives.

"Do you think I would work for Cerberus if they were attacking human colonies?" she said quietly, fighting to keep her voice calm and even. "People are dying, Kaidan. People are dying, and the…the Alliance is ignoring it. Cerberus and I want the same thing: to protect our colonies. That doesn't mean I answer to them."

"Is that really what you think?" he snarled, stepping towards her. "Or is that what Cerberus wants you to think?" He was in her face now, his armored chest cracking against hers. "I wanted to believe the rumors of you being alive were true. But I would never have believed this. You turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance. You betrayed me."

He hit a nerve, the constant throbbing fear in the back of her mind. Cerberus had brought her back, and given her the necessary tools to continue her fight. She felt torn between her steadfast, unquestionable faith in the Alliance and her driving need to stop the reapers. It was the inner conflict that kept her awake at night, that shook her from her nightmares. She knew there would be possible repercussions if the Alliance decided to act on them. While death had automatically discharged her from her military service, she was first and foremost a soldier.

"Kaidan, you know me!" she pleaded, grabbing his arm. "You know I would only do this if I believed it was the right thing to do! You saw it yourself! The Collectors are targeting human colonies. They're working with the reapers."

Kaiden stared down at her hand clutching his armored bicep as if it were poisonous. "I want to believe you, Shepard. But I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of the reapers to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if they're working for the reapers?"

"Damnit, Kaidan," Garrus growled, pulling Shepard back away from the sentinel. "You're so caught up on Cerberus, you're failing to see the real enemy."

"Maybe," Kaidan spat. "Or maybe you feel like you owe Cerberus for saving you. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight. You've changed, but I haven't. I know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, and always will be." He turned his head away, frowning. "I've got to go report back to the Citadel. They can decide if they believe your story or not."

"Kaidan wait!" she said, stumbling forward out of Garrus' grip. "Come with me. You'll see that I'm telling the truth."

"No it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." The look on his face was almost painful to look at. "Goodbye, Shepard. And be careful."

She watched him walk away and slumped back against Garrus. "Joker," she whispered, pressing her earpiece. "Send the shuttle down. I'm done with this place."

It was well into the ship's night cycle when they returned. Joker watched her stumble out of the shuttle and practically sprint for the elevator. Garrus and Grunt emerged slower. The surveillance camera had a manual positioning override, but Joker didn't even bother following Shepard's retreating form. He patched through a vid call from the Illusive Asshole, keeping one eye on the comm room cam and another on the maintenance reports scrolling across the screen. He listened as Shepard snapped at the head of Cerberus, walking out of the comm room and straight for her quarters.

"God damnit," he muttered, banging his head against the back of the chair. Way too many feelings were swimming around in his head, which was exactly why he avoided people in the first place. Emotions were messy and distracting. His job required him to ride the constant knife-edge of adrenaline-enhanced focus. Distractions were deadly. He purposely distanced himself from everyone. Piloting was a lonely job in the first place, sequestering himself from the rest of the crew, spending a majority of his shifts and his off hours on the bridge. Flying was comfortable to him, as was the independence.

But now, he found himself watching the one distraction he was willing to tolerate break down at the words of her former crew mate. I had no idea she was so torn up about Cerberus, he thought, dragging a hand across his face. As soon as the thought crossed his mind, he mentally chided himself. Of course she was conflicted. Shepard was the epitome of the perfect Alliance soldier: beautiful, intelligent, deadly.

"I'm going to kill Alenko," he said, his voice echoing in the empty bridge. He half expected EDI's hologram to make an appearance at his outburst, but the AI stayed silent.

"I'm assuming you saw and heard all that crap down there?" came a grating voice. Garrus was leaning against a bulkhead, appraising him.

Saw it? he thought, running a thumb along the edge of the flight console. He had watched the entire exchange through Garrus and Shepard's suit feed, once EDI had managed to secure a connection to the ground team. The look of hatred on Kaiden's face was all too familiar to Joker. With a sharp pang in his stomach, he squashed the guilt and shame down. "If I hadn't, would I be this pissed?"

"You have your own reasons for being pissed at Alenko, Joker. Don't act like I forgot about it."

Joker gritted his teeth. "Why the fuck did he have to jump on her like that? As if it's isn't disorienting enough being dead for two years, and then you have your…crew mate…dress you down for shit you had no control over?"

Garrus rubbed a hand along the back of his head awkwardly. "I knew Alenko had a thing for Shepard, but he's acting like they were mates."

Joker shook his head violently. His hands were curled into fists in his lap, nails biting into his palms. "That's what Kaidan wanted. Shepard wouldn't break frat regs, and brushed him off. Didn't stop him from following her around like a puppy."

Garrus tiled his head to the side in confusion. "What's a puppy?"

"A baby dog," Joker scoffed, rolling his eyes. "That's beside the point. Isn't anyone worried about what impact this is having on Shepard? Kaidan was like her right-hand man."

"I've thought about it. What about you? He was your navigator."

"And he beat the fucking shit out of me, Garrus, so no, I wouldn't mind putting a bullet in his head."

"Kaidan did what?"

Joker and Garrus froze. Shepard padded silently up the gangway. Her hair was still wet from her shower, hanging in a curled cascade down her back. She was wearing her worn hooded sweatshirt and leggings, her "comfortable" outfit. The look of absolute sorrow on her face was like a punch to Joker's gut. I am going to fucking kill Alenko if it's the last thing I do.

"Nothing," Joker said quickly, staring out the corner of his eye at Garrus. The turian cleared his throat. The unmistakable flush of blue was crawling up his neck. "This is a conversation for the two of you," he said, and left the bridge, laying a hand on Shepard's shoulder in passing.

"Joker, what are you talking about?" She padded closer to his chair. Joker leaned back against the seat and his breath hitched in his chest. This was not a discussion he wanted to have with her. He didn't know if he could even last through the topic of Kaidan without losing it. Oh yeah Shepard, our lovely Alenko beat the shit out of me because I fucked up and killed you…and I deserved every punch he threw at me.

"Nothing," he gritted out again, clenching the arms of his chair with white knuckles. Just thinking about Alenko was making his extremities go numb, the familiar pressure starting to build in his chest. His throat grew tighter and he felt adrenaline start to kick in. Shit, shit. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. Shit. The edges of his vision began to blur out, and he leaned his head back, fighting for air.

"Joker?"

There was a feeling of warm hands, light on his brow.

Black expanse of space. The pod was absolutely silent except for the rhythmic blip of the distress beacon. He blacked out, coming back into conscience with an excruciating jolt of pain. "SHEPARD!" The smoldering wreckage of his ship, drifting into Alchera's atmosphere. "SHEPARD!" Pounding on the pod door; the sharp snap of breaking bones. Blood. Compound fractures, he knew, familiar with the throbbing sting. He ripped his breather mask off and threw it against the door, sobbing, dragging his hands down his face, smearing blood everywhere.

The fizz of biotics. Images, trying to pull him out of his panic attack.

Pain in his legs now, where he had landed heavy on the decking. Femur break, the bone grating against his skin as he pounded on the door, screaming. "SHEPARD!" His worst mistake. He felt like his heart was going to burn right out of his chest, and he clawed at the metal.

"Jeff, Jeff, please! Breathe!"

The soft touch of another mind now, like slipping into a warm bath, pulling him from the chill of his memories. Shepard? Not Shepard. Shepard's dead. His fault. His fault! Explosions, everywhere. Her body spinning away from their ship. His ship cracking apart at the seams, drifting into the gravity well of Alchera.

"No, Jeff! Je suis ici!"

An Alliance ship, responding to the distress beacon. His pod, pulled into the cargo bay. Still pounding on the door, his hands bloodied, body battered, beyond recognition, wanting to die in her place. I killed her. I killed her. The door opening, familiar faces. Chakwas. More Alliance soldiers. Kaidan pulling him out, throwing him onto the floor. His broken leg snapping again, the bone puncturing through his thigh with unbelievable pain…The sharp snap of biotics, a fist hitting his gut, over and over. "You killed her! You fucking killed her!" I know…I know I did…I KNOW! A rib puncturing his lung, wishing it would suffocate him, take him back to the blackness. I don't deserve to live if you're dead, Clementine. It's all my fault. A fist to the face now, the crunch of his orbital bone breaking.

"Oh no…Oh no, no, no…"

The warm bath feeling again, stronger, hotter.

Jeff, please. I'm right here.

Shepard? No. You're dead. I killed you.

No Jeff. You didn't kill me. The Collectors killed me. Please, trésor, come back to me. I won't let him hurt you again.

I deserved it, Clem. I deserved all of it.

Warm hands on his face now, and soft lips. Impossibly soft lips. With a shuddering breath his eyes flew open. He suddenly had a very close-up view of Shepard's face. Eyes closed, lashes sticking together with tears. And her lips on his. He could feel the wetness of his tears hot on his cheeks.

Please, Jeff. Please.

He carefully raised his hands to cradle her face, lightly pulling her face away from his. Her eyes fluttered open, taking a moment to focus. She sighed, and sat back. Joker noticed she was kneeling between his legs, her knees on his chair. He tucked a curl behind her ear and sighed.

"So now you know," he said quietly, ashamed of the pain in his voice. Ashamed of the tears on his cheeks, of the memories he couldn't control. "They grounded me. I cared more about a ship than my crew. Shrinks, hospital stays, detox, PTSD, the whole nine yards. Kaidan got a dressing down for laying hands on a fellow soldier, and then a promotion."

Her eyes flashed darkly as she frowned. "Kaidan…is not the man I thought he was."

Joker snorted and rolled his eyes. "You're just now figuring that out? It's a known fact that almost all L2 biotics are mentally unstable. The fifteen broken bones I had are proof of that." He sighed, letting his head thump back against the seat. "But it's not like I didn't deserve it."

Shepard stilled. "Why would you say that?"

"Because I fucking killed you!" he yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. Shepard reeled back as if he had slapped her, her mouth open in a gaping "o", eyes wide. "Because I wouldn't fucking leave my ship, and you had to come save my ass. It's my fault you died, Clementine. Because I wouldn't fucking listen!"

For a split second there was ringing silence. Shepard, balanced on her knees between his legs, staring. Him, clutching the armrests of his chair, staring back. And then her mouth was on his again, with a desperate hunger he could feel. The swirling blue cloud of her biotics wrapped around them like a cocoon, their minds meeting in a clash of emotions. Images now, just fragments of her memories; the SR-1 mess, throwing grapes in each other's mouths, Tali, Garrus, Wrex and Ash roaring in laughter; his daring rescue from the volcano – he could feel her relief. Her absolute trust in him as he dropped the Mako on Ilos. Happiness and warmth at seeing him in that hallway on the Cerberus station.

His memories...Meeting her as she came aboard the SR-1 for the first time, chastising Kaidan for commenting on her appearance, but thinking the same thing himself; jumping down her throat about his Vrolick's, and realizing she truly didn't care; sharing a beer over cards during an off-duty night and losing spectacularly to her in Skyllian Five; being absolutely terrified of losing her on Therum, and then again as she drove the Mako through the Conduit.

Their memories began to overlap. His mouth moved against hers with renewed passion, feeling a crash of arousal slam against his psyche. The way she looked on his bridge in that black dress, wondering what those damned heels would look like on her naked; how her thighs would feel against his cheeks. There was a touch of fear there, and insecurity. He pushed at it, sending it back into the recesses of her mind, letting his tongue slide into her mouth. She melted into him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Brief flashes of what must have been daydreams, fantasies; the color was brighter than real life, more vibrant, and had a hazy quality on the edges. Images too quick for him to process. He clutched the back of her head in his hand, the other straying to her back, splaying his hand against her shoulder blades.

Do you understand? Her voice was soft and sweet in his mind. I don't blame you. I never blamed you.

It doesn't matter, he responded darkly. I don't deserve you. I never deserved you.

I want you, Jeff. I'm yours. Screw the regs, screw the doubt. I'm not whole unless I'm with you.

Her hands pushed through his beard, sliding into his hair and knocking his cap askew.

I disobeyed your orders, to save a ship. I can't, Clem.

I don't give a fuck, Jeff! Surprise now, at her mental outburst. You FIGHT for the things you love. You loved the Normandy, and you fought to save her. I don't give a damn that it was a ship. It was your ship. And I know you would have never let me die if you could have helped it. You did what you could. You tried to save her. Flying is your life. Fighting is mine. And if someone tried to take that away from me, I would fight to save it, too.

He groaned against her mouth and slid his hand up under her sweatshirt, marveling at the scorching heat of her flesh. His nerve endings were on fire in the best way possible. Every touch was felt twofold as their minds overlapped again. Finding the space between her breasts, he pressed his hand against her chest and felt her heart pounding against his palm. Alive, and real.

Yes, Jeff. I'm alive. And I'm here.

"Commander? Mr. Moreau?"

EDI's voice broke them apart, Shepard's biotics dying at the loss of contact. Both of them were panting, staring at each other, green eyes meeting blue and brown.

"Need I remind you that the bridge is a public place on the ship?" EDI chided, sounding slightly amused.

Shepard doubled over with silent laughter, her forehead resting on his shoulder.

"Did I just get cock-blocked by an AI?" he whispered in her ear.

She giggled and stood up from his chair, pulling him –gently- up with her. "EDI, have Miller mind the helm for a while. Mr. Moreau and I need to debrief about our last mission."

There was a pause, before EDI responded. "Aye aye, Commander."

The quietly made their way through the dark CIC to the elevator, hand in hand.

Up in her quarters, she sat on the couch, patting the cushion next to her. Joker obliged, sitting down slowly and letting the stress ease out of his muscles.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this, Jeff?"

Her eyes were earnest, searching his face. He extended an arm along the back of the couch and let his fingers brush through her hair lightly. "Why would I? I've never been one to share my feelings." He gave her a non-committal shrug and forced his eyes to stop straying to her bed. Don't even go there, Jeff. Absentmindedly he rubbed his thigh, trying to work the kinks out. Sitting for long periods of time did little to help his legs. He would have to combat it, later in the gym. Make up for a lack of activity with resistance training and treadmill work. But right now, his joints were protesting loudly.

"Let me," Clementine said, moving his hand away. She motioned for him to put his feet in her lap. "Here." She made quick work of his boots, letting them thump to the floor. He leaned against the end of the couch, using the arm to stretch out his lower back and she swung his legs up onto the cushions.

She started with his feet, hitting all the right pressure points, making small circles along the arch. He let his head fall back a bit against the couch. "I honestly can't remember the last time someone did this for me."

"You never let Bridget rub your feet?" The question was asked innocently enough, but he could tell there was a bit of a knife's edge to it. He snorted.

"Bridget was never more than a shore leave girl." He groaned softly as she removed his socks, letting her warm hands knead his calves now. She wore a slight frown at the sight of the faint pink suture scars from his most recent surgeries. The small touches sent a tingle of biotics up his legs straight to his groin. She was controlling the mental connection though, judging by the look of concentration on her face.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly, rolling up a pant leg so she could use both hands to rub along his lower legs. "I didn't know…about Kaidan. About any of it. I never even thought to ask what you did those two years I was…gone."

"Nothing really to tell," he said, voice tight. "Was in the hospital for the first month or so. When they discharged me from Huerta, I got an apartment on the Citadel. Sat through a lot of bullshit briefings. Cerberus contracted me out about a year ago." He flinched as she reached his left knee. "Careful. I landed on that one, when you…when I fell into the escape pod. They had to reconstruct it. Oh. Oh shit. That feels good." She had laid her hand on the knee in question, her hand glowing slightly blue, warm under her touch. He could feel the buzz of energy leaching the pain from his joints.

"I don't suppose I could talk you into taking your pants off?" she asked, looking coy.

He froze and narrowed his eyes at her. "That depends…"

Her flush was beautiful as it spread across her cheeks, and she tucked her chin to her chest, letting a cascade of blonde hide her face. "This works better on bare skin, that's all. If you don't want to, it's ok…"

Shit. Shit! She's trying to get into my pants? "I mean, I'm all for it, but…"

She let her shield down, her conscience washing over his with the now-familiar warm bath feeling. I'm not very good at this sort of thing. Her voice was quiet in his mind. Soft pluck of embarrassment, insecurity. But there was a feeling of need there, and a jumble of emotions he couldn't begin to decipher.

I'm still not sure I'm what you want, he replied.

Bubble of mental laughter and warmth. You're exactly what I want, Jeff. What do I have to do to make you see that?

Thinking quickly now, he swung his legs off the couch and stood, shuffling slightly to adjust his now too-tight uniform pants. She stared up at him, confused, until he offered her a hand. Carefully, he led her over to the bed and sat, pulling her down next to him.

"I'm not going to pretend I don't want you, Clementine," he said, voice wavering slightly. "I do. Really, really badly. But you're so much…better of a person than I am. And I don't want to…shit. How do I say this?" He reached out and cupped her face in his hands.

You are beautiful, and intelligent, and so far out of my league I can't even believe I'm sitting here with you. She opened her mouth to retort, out loud, but he shook his head. That being said, I also respect you. And I…well shit. I've never felt this way before. So, I want to try. To figure this out. But I can't promise I can be what you want. I can't promise I won't fuck it up.

You've always been what I want, Jeff, she replied, moving to straddle him. Sharp edges and all. Her mouth caught his, and he groaned as she threaded her fingers in his hair, knocking his cap off onto the floor. His hands moved from her face down to her thighs, fingers curling so his thumbs brushed against their apex. Again, he felt a twinge of insecurity from her, and he fought a scowl. You're perfect. Why…

I don't know if I can be what you want. A quick flash of Bridget. Of Shepard stumbling on his private files; Fornax subscription, downloaded vids. Centerfolds of human women, busty and beautiful, sex personified.

You've always been what I want, Clementine, he replied, parroting her words. He pushed back on the bed, against the pillows, and he settled his weight between her legs. He found the hem of her sweatshirt and his hand ghosted up her stomach, leaving a trail of goose bumps in its wake. She wore nothing under it, and his thumb found the soft curve of a breast. Shit. So fucking perfect.

Gasping, her back arched in response. With difficulty, he balanced his weight on one arm and drew her sweatshirt up over her head with the other, leaving her bare. She had a smattering of freckles everywhere, dusted across her chest and stomach. He kissed down her neck and chest, finding a pert nipple with his tongue. One of his hands slid down to skim the waistband of her leggings, feeling the muscles of her stomach tremble. Slipping under the fabric, he felt his breath hitch as he came in contact with her center. Her biotic connection with him was superior to verbal feedback; he knew exactly what she needed on an instinctual level. One finger, then two slid into the warmth, and she groaned, her hips bucking up against his hand.

It was all he could do to control his ragged breathing, and he pressed his thumb against the bundle of nerves in time with the ministrations of his fingers. The soft noises she was making were making his head spin, and deftly he withdrew his hand and pulled off her leggings, taking her panties with them. He wrapped one arm around her waist, moving a leg up to rest on his shoulder. His lips led a trail of kisses down her knee to the inside of her thigh, punctuated with soft bites.

Please, Jeff. Her hands fisted in his hair, hips bucking again. He grinned and slid a finger back into her, adding his tongue into the mix.

She was perfect in every single way. Every part of her body that touched his sung with energy, layering her arousal on top of his in a heady mix of emotions. Her moans reached a fevered pitch, until she came, shattering around him. Her own orgasm was almost his undoing, crashing through his mind like a tidal wave. She grew limp and collapsed back against the pillows, panting.

When she had gathered her wits, she pulled her panties back on, along with her sweatshirt. He drew himself up next to her and gathered her into his arms. "You're amazing, you know that?" he muttered into her hair. She laughed softly and tugged at his belt.

"You're wearing entirely too many clothes, helmsman," she said, deftly unclipping his belt and untucking his shirt at the same time. Joker laughed and sat up so she could pull the uniform top over his head, leaving the undershirt. Subconsciously he checked to make sure his dog tags were tucked beneath the soft cotton. "Pants too!" She slid those down over his hips, quirking a smile as his erection tented his boxers. "Is that a frigate in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?"

He growled and pulled her close again, against the soft fabric of his undershirt, rubbing his nose in her hair. "Just a frigate? Not a dreadnaught?"

She pushed against him playfully and he fell back against the pillows with a soft thump. Sliding his shirt up, Clementine kissed her way down his stomach, playing with the band of his boxers. His skin was on fire where she touched him, and he leaned his head back and groaned as she skimmed down his boxers, freeing him. "Definitely a dreadnaught," she quipped, and ran a tongue up his length. He fisted the sheets, hissing through his teeth as she wrapped her mouth around him. Fuck…how many times did I daydream about this? Peeking through his lashes, he groaned. Her hair was a golden curtain around her face, pink lips giving him an unbelievable amount of pleasure. He reached down and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, earning him a smoldering look from her mismatched eyes. A few more seconds and he was coming undone, loudly moaning her name into the dark.

She disappeared into the bathroom for a few minutes, and he could hear the sound of the water running, before she emerged with glasses for both of them. He watched as she folded her bare legs underneath her, settling on the bed lightly. She has freckles on her knees, he noted warmly.

"You haven't been eating enough, Clem," he said between sips of water. "I don't remember you ever being this thin."

She drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin there, frowning slightly. "I'm eating the same amount I always have. Miranda thinks it's the increased biotic output." She grimaced. "Gardener isn't very…skilled at cooking for vegetarians. I've been living off ration bars and MRE's for a few days now, since our produce supplies have dwindled."

Joker scowled and set his glass of water on the nightstand. "Where are we going next? Somewhere we can get more rations?"

"Illium," she answered, leaning over to open the small cryo unit next to the bed. "Since you're off duty for…eight more hours, would you like some hummus? I recall you saying something about avoiding spicy foods before long shifts."

Clementine produced a container of the spread, along with a package of pita bread. She tore a piece from one of the loaves and swirled it in the hummus. "Open up," she said, giving him a mischievous look. He complied, and she popped the bread in his mouth, fingers brushing his lips. The hummus was spicy, but the right amount, and they ate in companionable silence, leaning against each other. Joker couldn't remember the last time he felt so content. The hum of the FTL drive was a mere whisper up in Clementine's loft, and he lay back against the pillows, staring out into the vast expanse of space stretching in the window above.

"Wait," he said, running a hand through his hair. "If we're going to Illium…"

Clem gave him a rueful grin and packed the hummus and pita back into the cryo unit, giving him a flash of the briefest of black panties. Shit. She has freckles on her ass? Down boy. "Well, technically, I'm going there to recruit a drell assassin and an asari justicar. You're going there to get a tux."

He groaned, throwing an arm over his eyes in mock indignation.

"Oh please," she said, pulling the covers back and sliding underneath. "At least you'll know what you're wearing. Kasumi keeps telling me whatever she has planned for my dress will be 'breathtaking' and 'vintage couture'." She pulled him down next to her and wrapped an arm around his waist, curling against him like it was the most natural thing in the world. Like they had done it a million and one times. He nuzzled his face in her hair and sighed.

"Are you going to be tagging along to watch me be tortured?"

Her eyelids fluttered. "Mmm. Maybe. D'you want me to?"

"Might make it more bearable."

Her sleepy smiled stayed on her face even as she drifted off. Joker watched her for a while, memorizing each curve and contour of her face, until he was sure she was asleep. Quietly, he slipped out of the bed and donned his uniform, making sure everything was in place. He really hated to leave her, but someone was bound to notice him missing from his rack, and scuttlebutt like that was a thing he would like to avoid. Giving her one last, longing look, he headed for the crew deck, a ridiculous grin plastered on his face.

Author's Note: So, if you like Kaidan, you may not like my portrayal of him in this fic. I never really liked the man, and I've never played him as a love interest in any of the games. I actually end up killing him off and keeping Ash, because she actually grows a bit in the storyline. That being said, yes. Kaidan is an antagonist to my Joker, and will be for the duration of SMDaSD. I hope if you do like Kaidan, you don't mind me abusing him a bit.

Next chapter we'll be heading to Illium. Enter Thane, Samara, and a Kasumi/Shep/Joker shopping trip. Jack has a few things to say to Shepard, and the crew may let lose a bit on Nos Astra.