Harry Potter x Avengers

When Aliens Attack and You've Forgotten Your Umbrella

Harry had always considered himself to be fairly atrocious at understanding the signs women sent him. He had once mistaken a come-hither look from a particularly attractive female for a murderous glare and had acted accordingly to the possible threat- "Constant Vigilance", as his retired Auror mentor Mad-Eye Moody used to say. Who knew what she could have been hiding in her voluptuous cleavage.

The red-haired woman currently aiming a gun at his head as she muttered a colorful variety of curses under her breath was making her intentions very clear, and Harry highly doubted he was misreading her signals, though he wished he was. She was nearly as terrifying as a pissed-off Molly Weasley… No, never mind; such a thing was impossible.

"Don't startle me like that kid!" the woman snarled before, much to Harry's relief, pointing her firearm away from him. Then she unloaded a round into… something. Harry finally looked at his surroundings and noted that he was definitely not in his England any more. For one, there were people. And no visible cockroaches. It was a pleasant trade-off. "What the hell are you doing out in the open? Go run for cover. Or die here; doesn't matter to me."

"What am I doing here? … Vacation?" She sounded American, but her accent was too practiced and careful to be natural. Taking in everything around him, an ill feeling settled in Harry's stomach. He had been promised evergreen and crystal water, not metal panels and an assortment of futuristic weaponry found in those crappy telly shows Dudley used to watch setting off a fireworks show in the streets. Maybe he wasn't on Earth anymore, but in an alien spaceship that looked similar to the ones he saw in the films where the heroic main character is abducted, dissected, and left as a cadaver in some desert for scavengers to feast upon. Yeah, that's how the stories went. 'Oh Merlin, I have to get out of here!'

"Run for cover?" Harry repeated to himself again. "Yes, of course; I'll go do that then. Just another innocent bystander citizen hiding during the end of the world; nothing to take notice of here. There is no hero cannon fodder or secondary character-destined-to-be-another-casualty-in-the-background present, sorry, try again tomorrow when my shift ends."

"Why the hell are you still here?"

Harry grinned. "You're a main character, right? Why the bloody hell are you still here?" He received an annoyed look from the redhead as she tossed away her empty cartridge and pulled a new one from some pocket dimension on her skin-tight body suit.

"Do you see those aliens in the sky?" Harry glanced upwards as he was instructed and saw that there were indeed 'aliens' that looked disturbingly like floating steal space whales weaving their way through the monumental buildings. "And the troops on the ground?" Sure enough, Harry spotted several group of Egyptian-robots striding menacingly over the cracked pavement. "Do you know what they are?"

"Skynet's henchmen? Voldy's less ugly, better equipped cousins? The primary antagonist in this episode?"

The Russian cut Harry off before he could get more creative. "That is the Chitauri horde that's pouring through a portal across space to assist a madman in taking over the Earth and enslaving humanity."

Blinking rapidly, Harry rocked back on his heels and whistled, suitably impressed. "Haven't heard that one before. But, if that's the case," Harry frowned, "Why are you standing here explaining the plot to me when you should be fighting or whatever. This sure seems like climax time to me."

"I…" She trailed off. With an irritated growl, the women twirled around and stalked off.

"She goes into unnecessary detail about the main conflict, but doesn't even introduce herself. This is definitely America," Harry concluded. A large, red and gold human-shaped pile of shrapnel suddenly fell next to him, leaving a large dent in the concrete beneath it. Harry jumped slightly at the impact and brandished his wand and sword, then stared down at the debris curiously.

"What exactly are those 'Chitauri' firing at people? Looks like one of the more eccentric suits of armor Dumbledore keeps in his study."

"Yeah, well you aren't too much to look at either. Really, a sword and a stick? You're at the wrong fight, buddy," the armor snarked back at him. It tried to get back up, but was then pushed back several meters by a blast of green light, lodging its metal body even further into the concrete.

"Hmm, a Piertotum Locomotor spell gone wrong maybe? I never seen an animated object develop a sense of self either. Hermione would have been thrilled to be able to study such a specimen," Harry mused, still staring at the flailing android. He felt a curiously electrifying presence approach behind him and turned around. Floating down from the sky was a figure that Harry guessed most comic book supervillains tried to emulate; or maybe he was trying to emulate them. Either way, the slicked back, long black hair, ridiculous cape, and frankly embarrassing horns jutting from his head had Harry internally warring between readying his sword and relaxing into a conjured lawn chair with a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans.

The villain-esque man lowered himself towards the groaning scrap metal and began laughing in a way that laughter isn't supposed to sound like. "Had enough, tiny human? Where are your so-called Avengers now? Oh, that's right; off fighting against an endless army they can't defeat in a desperate attempt at salvaging a world not worth the endeavor. Freedom is almost upon us; a freedom from choice. I just pity the fact that none of your fellow heroes will be here to witness your death." He put the glowing blue scepter against the armor's chest plate. "Any final prayers?"

"Too… many… words… no one cares about. Dying… of… boredom." The red hand laying at the metal man's side suddenly flipped supine and a jet of power surged up into the black-haired man's face, blasting him up and back.

"Thanks for letting me recharge, Ye God of Stereotypical Villain Chatter. Our little bantering sessions are always the highlight of my day."

"Oh." The horned man's words finally made what his magic had been trying to tell him click in Harry's mind. "There's a person inside of the metal encasing. I was wonder why that guy was making such a big deal about wasting a chunk of metal. Hmm, I wonder if I should maybe help…"

"Uh, kid?" Harry glanced at the metal- 'man, it's definitely a man, despite the packaging'. "Yeah, hi. So, can you possibly run away now? Seriously, we need to keep casualties at a minimum, so… skedaddle. Shoo."

Harry looked around again, and then took a closer look at the patch of cement next to him. With a determined nod, he took a step to his right. "Is this enough shooing? Is shooing the correct verb? It doesn't sound right. How would you spell it?"

"Uh, that's… not what I meant," the man started. He quickly shook his head. "Ah, screw it. If you get injured or killed, just send the hospital and/or burial bills to Stark Industries. Fury is probably already going to make my company fund this stupid project; might as well try and make the cash dry up quicker. You ever dreamed of spending eternity in a golden sarcophagus? Damn, this is starting to feel like a concussion."

"S-h-o-o-ing? Is there not an e, then? Poor e; so left out. I hope he wasn't bullied as a child. Maybe the Alphabet Agency Luna told me about would consider adoption…" Harry started wondering away, his curiosity with the not-metal man sated and a new mystery, and possible rescue mission, occupying him.

"What do you think?" But when Harry turned back around, only a crater in the ground greeted him. "Oh, right. That guy is probably another main character, since he was fighting what looked to be the main supervillain, so he must have other things to do than ponder e's safety."

"Supervillain? Oh yes, I think I like that. Although I was thinking for along the lines of 'Supreme Overlord', or something of that ilk, after I conquer Earth." The horned man was back, apparently, and stood on an upturned car before Harry.

"High goals," Harry noted, thinking, 'I don't care if this is another Voldemort, it's not my problem, hero complex is over, definitely don't want to fight, your wand and sword are contradicting that, Harry, put down the wand and sword, Harry, why aren't you doing it?'

"But first," the man smirked, jumping from the car and slowly stepping towards Harry, "I'm going to make sure the little men playing at greatness understand the extent of my power. And I'll start off by personally killing off every. Single. Person they've come into contact with. Starting with you."

Harry stared impassively at the now identified megalomaniac. "That's not a very nice thing to aspire to. You don't deserve that pretty glowing staff. Expelliarmus." He sheath his sword, freeing a hand to catch the man's weapon as it flew towards him.

The man gaped at Harry for a moment before his eyes narrowed. "I am Loki, a god and future ruler of Midgard. You shall return the tesseract to me this instant."

"I don't wanna."

"Insolence!"

"Don't feel so bad about losing this little old thing," Harry grinned, waving the scepter. "Real warlocks don't need to emphasize or embellish anything".

Loki glared back. "The tesseract is a noble weapon, far more impressive than your pathetic twig of a prop."

Harry pouted, glancing down at the Elder Wand. "That's rude." Thoroughly insulted, he did the most mature act he could think of. He took the staff in both hands, snapped it in two over his leg, and sprinted down the street, laughing at the scream of anger and anguish following him. That Loki character had it coming.

Over the next hour, Harry found shelter in an abandoned pastry shop that seemed mostly intact. Luckily, the kettle was still functional, so he picked out an interesting tea bag—Organic Serenity SuperGreen—and sat back in a plush chair, determined to wait out the action. He could just apparate to England and search for the Wizarding World, but honestly, this place had already given him more excitement than he'd experienced in the last forty years. He could learn to like it here, once everyone stopped trying to kill one another.

Once the commotion outside seemed to start settling down, Harry set his cooled tea on a table and made his way out of the shattered front doors. He walked onto the sidewalk, and then out into the street when it was clear nobody was nearby.

"Hullo? Anyone still alive?"

A low whistling caught Harry's attention. He looked up and saw a tiny green man falling from the sky above him. The green man was becoming progressively bigger, and Harry was so distracted by the familiar robot-human in its arms that he failed to notice he was in the center of the shadow the green man was forming in his trek down to earth.

"Oh, wow," Harry wondered in awe. "I don't remember seeing that in any of the films."

A man dressed in the American flag, Robin Hood, a super buff Roman, and the scary-hot Russian lady turned the corner in time to see their two friends land.

"Kid, watch out!"

"Move!"

"Splat."

Silence. Harry was surrounded by complete and utter silence. It was peaceful, stress-free, white, and… boring. Quiet that leaves one alone with their thoughts is entirely meaningless when one doesn't know what to think about. 'Maybe I can consider the origin of this 'one', and why he thinks he is good enough for everyone to talk about all the time. Who does he think he is, Merlin? Oh… perhaps-'

"Considering most of human history catalogs Merlin along with unicorns and leprechauns that are actually stupid enough to hide their savings accounts at the end of rainbows in the 'make believe' aisles begs the answer that, no, the universal 'one' does not refer to the wizard that makes an appearance in so many wizardly obscenities. Anything else catch your fancy before we begin?"

Harry floated in the silence for a few seconds, then decided, "Yep, I was definitely talking inside my head. Is there no privacy left?" Feeling his wand in his hand, Harry sent a stupefy in the direction of the voice, which he couldn't face because gravity was evidently taking a vacation too and no amount of flailing turned him around. When his attack was met with a low chuckle, Harry sighed and relaxed, waiting for the slow spinning motion his body was naturally doing to allow him to face the jerk who read his mind.

"I didn't read your mind, Harry; I'm in your mind. Oh, there is no need for such an unpleasant face. I'm everywhere, and your mind just happens to fall into that category."

"And who are you, exactly?"

"We'll get to that in a moment. For now, why don't we start off with a little story?"

Harry gave up trying to catch sight of the man talking and sighed in resignation. "I'm listening. And by that, I mean I can't do anything but listen. And breathe. And come up with new curses that start, end, or are solely composed of 'Merlin'."

End Author's Note: When a Hulk is landing, always check for clearance first.

Please comment with suggestions for future crossovers!