Chapter 2: Christian

You

I back to our room, hope that you still sleep so I can have more time to build my lie. But why I need to lie, maybe you don't care why I disappear whole night just like you don't care how hurt am I when you call that name when we stay together, when we kiss, when we make love. I am just your best friend, I am just a substitute. Nothing can make me be important to your life, nothing I can do you make your heart just be mine in one second.

You are not here it makes me feel happy and sad at the same time, I don't expect that you will worry about me, but just seeing you sit right there and look at me then that just enough for me. You are not here the room was so cold. I lay down on our bed, try to find some heat left from you. So glad that you not here so I don't have to face you right now. But deep down inside of mine, I hope that you are here, support me, kiss me, cover me with your warm hug even those do not belong to me.

I fall to sleep when I do not want to, sometime I hope that I will never wake up. Never need to face with the reality, stay forever in the dream, where your heart, you hug, your love words are my, and only for me.

- Jay, Jay wakes up

Your smile so bright, I don't know what happen, what happen to make you so happy like this. You keep cover me with your tie hug and kiss my cheek.

- Jay he back Jay, he back. I am so happy now Jay. Chris he back with me.

So Chris keeps his promises, so what I am going to do now? If Chris has back to Adam side so where is the place for me. I wanted to kiss your lips the last time, but… you don't let me do it. My hands still on the air when I try to hold you, you turn your back to me.

- Look, Jay we will have a date tonight, I need you to help me look better than ever Jay.

- Adam, you always perfect.

I try to keep my voice be normal, I try to not cry. I used to think that you're happy is my happiness, but now… your happy hurting me so hard. I can't even breathe. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I should not come and talk with Chris, maybe I must happy to be a substitute, then I can stay with you forever. I am not ready for it, I am not ready to leave you one more time.

- Baby you don't need to rush, we have all night.

That voice breaks the moment between us, why he here? Oh, I just stupid for that question.

- Chris baby, why you here?

- So I can see my man? So sad.

- No, Chris. You are here everything will be perfect.

- You so smell, get your ass to the bathroom or I will cancel our date, I don't want my man smelly.

- OK, as you wish my love.

You kiss him, I am still here you don't see it? I am still here. It so hurt. I know now in your eyes just see only him, the man you love. Adam can you just answer me, if he here with you then where I am meant to be. I can't replace him, and I can't be him, I can't make you love me, I can't tell you that how much I love you, nothing that I can do.

"Adam what I am going to do if he back to you?"

Maybe I need to turn around and walk away, that's all I can do now because if I am still standing here I will die.

He

- How does it feel Jay? Hurt?

He asks me when Adam disappears into the bathroom. His voice like a mock, I know what kind of person he is, he loves to see how people getting hurt, he loves to make people get hurt and he enjoys seeing they bleed and torment. Just like what he does with me right now, if Adam tears my heart into smaller pieces, then Chris is a person who play with my heart like a fun toy, he took out all the oxygen to make it stop beating and then when I nearly death he gives me a small air to bring me back.

- Thanks for keeping your promise.

- Don't be that sad Jay-Jay, your Adam happy now you must happy for him too.

He holds my chin made me face him. I hate to look at that eye, I can see how clear am I, pain, bleed, dirty, no way to run, no place to hide.

- You still remember our deal, Jay? If you want Adam happy then you need come up with me every time I order you.

He crazy, how can he think that I will accept this, maybe he can get me one, but it doesn't mean I will let him do it again. I will never let him have a chance to touch me again.

- What? What the hell are you talking about? You can't do it, what happen if Adam know? It will break his heart.

- If you care about him that much Jay, then…. don't make me get mad. You have no choice, Jay. At the first time, you come to me, there was no choice for you. Now be my good toy, Jay.

- Fuck you, no one can own me. You are an asshole.

- You have good lips Jay, and your voice was so sexy, but keep it on my bed, not here. Last time I must share you but from now on Jay, you and your body belong to me. I do not own you, but you sell yourself to me, so I am your master. Be ready, we will have so much fun later.

- I hate you, Chris. If there are people in my life that I want to kill most then that person will be you.

- So it means I can be a part of your life, I think I will happy for it.

What the hell is he talking about, he so crazy. How could he be a part of my life? He is a fucking asshole. He kisses my lip, that was I most hurting kiss I ever had. I betray myself, I betray Adam. But what can I do now?

- Jay, you know what? If something I can't have it, then I will break it.

What it means what was the thing that he can't have. He has everything that I wish for, what does he need for more. He kisses me one more time and walk away from me when the bathroom door open.

- What do you mean?

I softly ask him when he passed me, but there is no answer for me, my last thing I see was he and Adam hands in hands walk away together.

Me

I find myself standing alone in front of Randy room, what the hell I am thinking right now. I tell myself a thousand times that I can stand on my own, but why after everything happen I still run into that warm hug. I know I can't give him anything and I took too much from him.

- Jay, we need to talk.

- What is it Cena, I am not in the mood now. Maybe later.

- No, WE NEED TO TALK RIGHT NOW.

What happen to him, I am so tired right now, I need to rest, I need to find someplace I can hide myself and cry out my heart. I need someone can save me… I need… him

- OK, make it fast, I don't have time.

- Jay, I need you to get away from Randy.

- What?

- Stay away from him, that's all I want.

- You can make me, you have no right to tell me what I need to do.

- I will Jay, I will. If you don't do it, I will.

He pins me on the wall, it hurt me a bit.

- You hurt, then keep it for yourself, don't bring it to another.

- But I…

- If you care about him, you must know that you are not worthy to stand by his side. Don't become a dirty bitch Jay. Randy deserves more than it. I am his friend, I don't want to see him get hurt. So if you still have self-esteem Jay, then leave him.

He leaves, let me sit alone right there. Why? Why people always try to stop my escape route. I have nothing now, I just need someone to hold me safe and warm. I just need someone to make me feel that I still alive. I know what I am doing was so wrong, but please don't take my last hope away from me.

But Cena was right, I can make Randy be hurt like me, he deserves more than it. He needs someone to truly love him, not a life vest when you sank you take it when you safe you forget it. I know my heart can't have a place for him or more truly is me and my heart not good enough for him. I must leave, leave before I can. It must be now or never.

I am hiding myself in a dark room, cover my body with a blanket and fancy that was a hug from someone. Even it does not have a heat, but it keeps me feel safe a bit. I need to learn to be alone, I need to face with the true… the true that I will never have love.

Why? I always ask myself. What did I do wrong? I try to be good, I do all my best. Why God gives love to everybody, even the smallest insect they can find a part of their life expect me, why he forgets me?

"Come to my room tomorrow night Jay" It was a message from Chris. So the game begins.

Who am I now, so shame on me, no love, betray my best friend, and be a cheap slut?

Him

- Jay where have you been? I am worried about you. I heard that Adam and Chris are back together…. it… Jay you still fine.

- Leave me alone Randy, you don't need to show me your kindness. Your pity makes me sick.

I can see the pain and surprise in his eye. Randy, I am sorry, I know that will make you hurt, but I would rather hurt you once more to hurt you forever. If you leave me, you can find someone truly loves you, love you with all their heart. You will happy, please just leave me, and just remember me like some little Firefly flew over your life.

- Jay, what are you talking about? The joke was not fun.

- I am not joking Randy, I am sick to be with you. Leave me alone

- Did someone say something to you? Jay, don't listen to them, Jay looks at me. I choose my way to be on your side and I will never regret what I have chosen. Jay, please.

- I told you don't touch me, leave me alone.

I slapped him, and thumping hard on his chest, but it didn't work… please leave me, what can I do to make him away from me. If he still is on my side he will be hurt, just like I do. I can't do it anymore, I can't give him the hope that will not happen.

- Even though you kill me, Jay, I will never let you go.

I can't make it, how weak am I? I am a loser, I can't win the match of love, I can't win the match of loyal and now I lose in the match to make him free, free from me, free from the pain that I bring to him. His heart so warm, it helps me feel safe.

- Let me keep you safe and warm Jay.

- Why Randy, why God, he forgets me?

- If he forgot you, Jay, then I was not good enough to get his attention too.

- Randy… make love with me.

- Are you crazy Jay… I can't do it.

- Please Randy, please just for tonight. Fuck me hard, make me scream, take my body… just for tonight Randy, please love me.

- I always love you, Jay. I always love you.

We have a crazy night, I let him take my body, Randy just so gentle with me every action, every move it so warms and gentle but I am not worthy for that, the cheap whore like I don't deserve that gentle, so I order him to fuck me hard. He goes inside me again and again, even when my body can't take it anymore, I still don't let him stop. I order him to call my name, order him to say he loves me, order him to kiss me every time he cum inside me. I am going crazy, I lost a count how many times that we are doing it, then when my body reach the limit I fall to sleep, but even in my dream I still hear that soft voice, and it said that "I love you, Jay", I don't know who the voice is it, but thank you, thank you for loving me. And in that night, no pain, no nightmare just me and him sleeping peacefully together.