A/N I am so horrible at keeping up to date with things so I don't know. I wrote this chapter and a few others a while age but I sort of hate typing. Sorry. Anyway there are hints at rape but nothing too bad just enough to suggest it happened. Any way read at your own risk. I forgot before but I don't own Merlin. I've officially given you a disclaimer so there you go.

What is something you will never see again?

Yesterday

Clarissa shut the door to her chambers and leaned against it. Her heart was racing a mile a minute and her brain has finally caught up. Merlin is in Camelot. It's like he's trying to get himself killed. The kings personal manservant as well. She couldn't help the excitement that filled her. This will be interesting, she thought. Things with Merlin always were.

After she had went back to her fathers mansion she never expected to see Merlin again. She knew she couldn't stay with Merlin. It wasn't safe. Although how safe it is at the mansion is debatable. It certainly wasn't a good idea after what happened to cause her to leave in the first place. She couldn't trust anyone there anymore. Even the events of her return spurred a deep hatred for all of the mansions occupants.

-o0o-

She had finally made it to the mansion. The building loomed over her menacingly. It felt as if she hadn't spent her whole life there. It's amusing how much little more than three months could change. She had ran away to Ealdor for the summer . It was like a dream there. Calm, quiet, and so very far from her bustling mansion. It was filled with cackling streams and whispering forests. She had wandered for weeks before Hunith found her. By that time she was covered in scrapes and bruises from several near misses with bandits. Exhaustion and dehydration had stopped her in her tracks. She was after all, a young girl, penniless and alone. Most people weren't keen to lend a hand. Those that were could hardly be trusted.

Yet, Hunith had helped her. She nursed her back to health and found her work in the fields. Clarissa could owed Hunith her life. So she could hardly sit by in a little village waiting for her father's guard to find her knowing what she knew of Hunith's son. Only, she had nowhere to go but here. It was luck to be found by someone so kind already. She could hardly hope to find any like them again.

She had a plan to help her stay safe. She would keep away from the guards and follow the rules. If her dad does not put her in the dungeons than the incident won't repeat itself. It would be easy. At least that's what she told herself. In reality she was never very good at following rules. That's what got her into this in the first place, wasn't it?

She stepped into the mansion and everything stopped. Everyone was frozen just staring at her. The tension was thick. It was soon broken though, when two guards rushed forward and grabbed her arms. They dragged her to her fathers office and forced her into the room. She stumbled forward, tripping over her feet in an unladylike fit of clumsiness.

Her fathers eyes were that of surprise,"So they have finally found you".

"I came back", she offered with a sad puppy face,"I missed you". She said the last part hoping it would lower what ever punishment he chose for her. It was still difficult to force out.

He gave a smile that only made her worry more. "I suppose I'll accept you back. You'll still be punished though", she knew this seemed too easy, "you'll have to spent the night in the dungeons plus the one you missed after you left".

That struck fear into her vary bones and that radiated outward until her skin sizzled with anticipation. "No! Please, I'll do anything just not the dungeons", she screamed as the guards walked towards her.

"Take her away", he said savagely. The guards dragged her sobbing body towards the dungeons. She tried to pull away, to escape the torment that no doubt awaited her. She screamed and fought, throwing her limbs in any random direction. They didn't show any problems carrying her even with her struggles. They chained her to a wall in a cell far away from witnesses. The guards left her dirty and sobbing on the rough floor. It was nearly ten minutes later when she heard the cells lock click. She didn't look up knowing what was coming.

"Aren't you goin' to look at me", a man clucked above her. She still refused to look up. "It's alright. We can still have fun with your eyes closed. I'm sure you'll find what's next very transformative", he whispered huskily near her ear.

-o0o-

It was transformative alright. That night and the next he violated her. Someone that was meant to protect her. She never made the mistake of trusting someone to do what they were supposed to again. She trained with a sword in secret every night after she was released. She practiced her skills with a bow and arrow until she mastered it. All the while everyone thought she was daddies little angel. She did what ever was asked of her without much complaint. About a month later that same guard was murdered. He put up a struggle but she had little problem plunging the sword through his chest. Nobody ever found out who killed him and she was just content knowing he couldn't hurt her any more.

From that point she transformed herself. She learned to use her looks as a weapon. She can bat her eyes and show a bit of skin sometimes. She made it a point to know just how to make a man putty in her hands. From there she can mold him into whatever she wants to ensure she's always in control. Thats what she must do now. Control is exactly the reason that at mid day she was found walking to the knights training grounds.

Merlin was sitting on a stone bench overlooking the training grounds. He was completely focused on sharpening the sword in his hand. At least he would be if he hadn't glanced up to see Arthur sparring with Gwaine. They are the two best swordsman in the kingdom, so when they fight everyone stops to watch. They always seem to be finding new ways to get one over on the other. It's really a toss up as to who would win, since they are nearly equal in skill.

"Hey Merlin", was exclaimed brightly right next to him. He had been so absorbed in the fight that he didn't notice anyone walk near him. With a squeak of, " oh my gods", he jumped a few feet in the air. Of course he was working on a (now) sharp sword, and his hand slipped, catching on the edge of the blade. Merlin looked over his hand, seeing blood, knowing he should clean it, but chose first to look over to the cause of his wound. He saw Clarissa sitting beside him with her eyebrows raised.

"Still very clumsy I see", she said not affected by the blood. That worried him. Last time he saw her she freaked out at any sign of blood. Before he could formulate a response he heard Arthur's clear, commanding voice.

"Merlin do try not to impale yourself with my sword, good servants are hard to come by nowadays", he paused," and next time you choose to scream like a frightened girl, do try not to interrupt training", Arthur joked, voice not at all unsteady at the sight of Merlin's blood. Anyone who implied otherwise were likely to end up in the stocks. All of the knights were paying attention now, always ready to enjoy the brotherly banter they have.

Merlin stared at Arthur incredulously, spluttering at Clarissa's giggles. He looked over at her and she had a mirthful smile on her face. It was the same smile she used to give him. Before she left. He snapped his head back towards his cut. Clarissa noticed this and grabbed something from her pocket. Before either realized it Clarissa's dainty hand was holding a red hanker chief in front of his face.

Merlin followed the arm with his eyes to come face to face with Clarissa. Her giggles were fading but that did nothing to smother her wondrous smile. He couldn't help the smile he returned. She reached out with her left hand to grab Merlin's injured right hand gently. She started to wipe away the blood with the handkerchief in her right hand. The red handkerchief that was so similar to the neckerchief she had bought him. He briefly wondered if that was why she bought it, but pushed it away. Why would she leave him and then have something to remember him by.

"It's not that deep", she murmured softly looking up into his eyes. She had always loved his eyes they were the most magnificent shade of blue. Like sparkling sapphires shinning in the sunlight. She couldn't stop the familiar urge to touch. To draw lines over sharp cheek bones and plush lips with her fingers. She never gave in before, she certainly won't start now.

She suddenly realized that she wasn't in control of herself at all when she looked into those eyes. She willed herself to look away, over at the king with his knights. Only to see them all sharing weird looks at the scene.

"You should probably wrap that up. Wouldn't want it getting infected", she said suddenly back to her usual confident demeanor.

"Oh... Right, of course", he stuttered while quickly getting up. He didn't want to stay there and think about her. Doesn't wand to think about pretty eyes or delicate hands or any other lingering feelings he defiantly doesn't feel for her. He rushed to Gauis and got his hand wrapped like she said. He couldn't help but remember her patching up his wounds back in Ealdor. Perhaps she hasn't changed that much. If he could just talk to her more maybe he could get a better read on her. She hasn't told anyone about his secret yet, at least.

Then he remembered, "I have no plans of telling anyone at the moment". Does that mean that she could tell at anytime if she so wishes. He couldn't hold in his shiver at the thought of Arthur finding out and thinking that Merlin betrayed him. Arthur was betrayed by too many already and he didn't want to be lumped in with any of those people, even for just a moment.

Maybe he should stay away.