A/N: Guest: Um...nothing?
A huge thanks to silvergoddess1001 and shippingsnailsandshit for beta-ing this for me!
Enjoy!
I leaped out of the window gracefully, my landing barely stirring the dust. Ignoring the pain that had started to bloom in my chest, I latched my hand onto the roof, swinging my body onto the ceiling tiles. I alternately crawled and leapt across the buildings to the Eiffel Tower to grieve, keeping an eye on Marinette's window all the while.
I couldn't leave her, even if she banished me. My heart belonged to her. She didn't know it well enough.
I can still see those tears, the eyes rimmed red. The deep pools of blue I had lost myself to leaking with tears, the heart she gave me breaking. I heard it crack. I would have given anything for her heart to stay whole, but it was better this way.
Better that she hate me than to be in danger. Better that I break myself to keep her safe.
I couldn't involve her in my life anymore than she already was. I knew she was Ladybug. I knew she was my partner who risked her life to cleanse Paris' citizens of Hawkmoth's deadly akumas. I knew she didn't know I, Chat Noir, was Ladybug.
Hawkmoth knew it, too.
He'd sent me a message a few days ago during an akuma attack. Lila had been possessed yet again-her jealousy of Ladybug had reached skyrocketing levels-and Volpina had cornered me during the fight.
With a purple butterfly outline over her face, she whispered, "Ladybug doesn't know your civilian identity, does she? But you know hers."
I stared at her in shock and horror. How did Hawkmoth keep such close tabs on me? "You're lying," I snarled in response. I extended my baton and pointed it at her. "You better get ready, 'cause this cat loves a cat fight!" I charged.
Volpina jumped onto my baton, running towards me. The butterfly outline still surrounded her face. She put her lips next to my ear, gripping my shoulders with her claws. "You know you're more easily influenced by my power."
I shivered. She was right. After being touched by Chronogirl and taking a hit from Heartbreaker, not to mention being controlled by the Puppeteer, I was more drawn to the whispers of Hawkmoth's power-the dark akumas and their victims held more allure for me these days.
"What do you want from me?" I demanded, shaking the baton in an effort to create the illusion that we were fighting. I needed to know more about Hawkmoth's plans.
Volpina winked, and the purple butterfly mask disappeared from her face. Her face immediately set back into a snarl, a growl escaping her throat. She swiped once, twice, and pulled out her flute to attack.
As Volpina's jealousy grew, her powers did as well. Her illusions were now able to land a few hits before disappearing, but still disappeared if something went through them. As Volpina played a hauntingly familiar tune, multiple illusions of Volpina landed behind her.
No! I thought desperately. I needed to know Hawkmoth's plans!
As I destroyed the crowd of Volpinas, Hawkmoth's words ran through my head.
Ladybug doesn't know your civilian identity, does she? But you know hers.
You know you're more easily influenced by my power.
What did he mean? I knew that I could be possessed by an akuma, but my Miraculous made it difficult to control me; however, it wasn't impossible. If Hawkmoth tried hard enough, he could have me hand over my Miraculous without a second thought if I were possessed by one of his akumas.
But what did he mean by my knowledge of Ladybug's civilian identity? Again, unless I was possessed by an akuma, he'd have no knowledge of who Ladybug was. As far as I knew, Hawkmoth could only see what his akuma was doing, and since the akumas were cleansed before Ladybug and I de-transformed, Hawkmoth would have no inkling of our civilian identities.
But I did. Suddenly, it clicked.
If Hawkmoth could control me more easily once I was akumatized and direct me to attack Ladybug, I could attack Ladybug's civilian identity to catch Ladybug off guard. It would then be easy for me to take her Miraculous and give it as well as my Miraculous to Hawkmoth.
What a simple plan. It all hinged on me being akumatized.
I had tripped over my feet at the revelation, sprawling right into Volpina's lap. Quickly, before she could kiss me (it'd been her goal every time she was akumatized) I ripped the charm from her neck and tossed it to Ladybug. An akuma cleansing and a "Miraculous Ladybug!" later, I was free to go.
I had sprinted all the way home, thinking all the while. I knew that I needed to keep Ladybug and Marinette safe. I knew that Hawkmoth needed to akumatize me. What could I do to keep Marinette out of danger?
I could stay away from Marinette as Chat Noir. Without any knowledge of her actions, it would be useless for Hawkmoth to control me. Her Miraculous would stay safe, and Marinette would be able to fight crime as Ladybug.
My mind was made up. I had chuckled darkly, swinging through the window into my room. I knew that Ladybug was the important one, after all. She was the only one who could purify the akumas. I was the distraction, the one who made the job a little easier to do. But with my powers of bad luck, she was forced to save me almost as many times as she defeated the akumas.
I hadn't gone to meet Marinette that night, preferring to stay home in order to solidify my resolve.
Plagg had picked up on my thoughts, looking at me with sad eyes. You're not the only one with this conundrum. Plenty of other Ladybugs and Chat Noirs have suffered through the years.
Did they turn out alright? I had asked him eagerly.
Plagg had shaken his head stubbornly. It's not my place to tell you. But if you're so bent on breaking ties with her, a clean break is best.
A clean break is best.
His phrase echoed through my mind. Plagg was right. Like broken bones, broken hearts healed the quickest with a clean break. No jagged shards to clean out, no cuts and scrapes to fill in. Just a single straight fracture to sew back together.
I had decided to visit Marinette tonight, before things could progress any further. I knew I loved her, and I could only hope that she did not love me yet. Better for her to think that I was toying with her than for her to know I loved her, because a true broken heart never heals fully.
I want her to be safe. I want her to be Ladybug without any hindrances. I want her to live a life without Chat Noir. She would be better off without me.
I try to convince myself in vain. She would be better tomorrow, wouldn't she? She'd be her lively self and I would stay away from her.
The iron on the Eiffel Tower feels cold beneath my fingertips, the leather of my suit protecting me from scraping my skin raw. A cold wind blows through me, and I curl up on the bars, trying to conserve the warmth I stole from the corners of Marinette's room. I didn't want to go home. Not yet.
I stole a glance at her room. I could see her silhouette through the window, a black shadow frozen in the windowpane. Her light was still on, and the circle of yellow light shined like a beacon from a lighthouse, showing me the way home.
Except it wasn't my home anymore. I knew my heart was breaking. Would it be so selfish to keep it together for a few minutes? No, it wasn't.
I shifted. The cold had seeped into my bones, and I wanted to move before it could snake its way into my heart. A crackling caught my attention. Suddenly, I realized that I was curled up in a nest of snow. Snowflakes floated through the air, landing on my mask and arms. The frost curled around me, calling me to sleep. Sleep would make everything better, wouldn't it?
A beep from my ring caught my attention. Plagg! Although I was suffering, Plagg shouldn't have to stay trapped in the ring for hours upon end. I forced my arm up, but it refused to budge. With a jolt, I realized that the tears dripping down my mask had dropped onto the iron, freezing my arm onto the metal in the winter storm.
I had to leave. I jerked my arm up and off the ground, the splintering the ice with a cracking sound. The sky rumbled, and lightning flashed through the air.
"Just my luck," I muttered. I better leave before I got trapped in the storm.
With one last glance and an "I love you", I left.
I didn't see the figure in black and red follow me home.
A/N: Who wants to slap Chat right now?