AN: This is not a Frostiron-heavy chapter, it's more of a Loki introspective. Now that he's down, Loki's been reaching out for companionship, and this chapter was meant to convey that, and mend some of his relationships before we can move on with the story. Of course, this means Loki has to rid himself of his internalised racism and realise that maybe being a Frost Giant is not all that bad.

This chapter is not American-picked, so I'm sorry if that annoys anyone :/

Also, this is the third January update! Yay me!

You can find me on tumblr under latsin if you want to fangirl along with me :) Enjoy!

6

Loki wakes up and is still quite tired. It takes a moment to remember why this is and then his face lights up with a grin and he stretches languorously in bed. The cards he spent most of yesterday and last night practicing with are somewhat dog-eared, but even with extensive use he hasn't evoked any ill side-effects from the runes. And speaking of which…

He grabs one of the cards, a two of hearts, and places it face-down on his forearm, reaching for his magic in the process. It would seem the cards draw the energy without him having to specifically direct it, and in doing this, bypass the runes entirely. The scabs that were on his arm under the card, product of his healing of Tony a few days ago, fade painlessly into thin, light blue. Loki repeats this process, using the three and four of hearts as well, until all of his previous raised scars or still healing cuts fade into the same pale frost colour on his skin.

Loki has found out a lot about cards and potency since he started playing around with them several hours before. It seems there is meaning to the different suits. Diamonds and spades seem most fitting to aggressive spells, while hearts and clovers work best for healing and deceptive ones. It took Loki only a couple of minutes to figure those out. However, there are deeper meanings. For example, while the diamonds, with their sharp edges, confer the cards a knife-like quality, they also mean hardness and resilience, so when Loki tried to cast an easy strength spell on the mirror of his bathroom, the results had been nearly unbreakable. He knows, he tried smashing the reflective glass in front of him by throwing almost all spade cards at it, to no avail until he tried the Joker card on a whim. The resulting explosion nearly cost him his eyebrows.

There's even tertiary meanings to the tiny symbols. He found out that he could not lie out loud while casting a truth spell with a diamond card, but that the clover one had no effect on his silver tongue. All meanings and different potency variations, which depend on some numbers with their clear exceptions (like the seven of clovers, which is the most powerful of that suit), have been jotted down in a small notebook in Loki's elegant and crisp handwriting. There's handwritten graphs of how effective and potent the cards are, which Loki measured with the help of Jarvis. These show, as expected, a steady rise as the number on the cards grows bigger. The most powerful cards are the two Jokers in the deck, but even those run out of power after a while and have to be left to restore themselves.

Loki takes the notebook and deck of cards with him when he goes down to eat, finding Tony, Bruce, Thor, Clint and Natasha in the kitchen, the latter two apparently having returned from their mission yesterday in good health. He sits down to eat and takes dish duty afterwards, heading to the sink while everyone else heads into the living room to plaster themselves in front of the TV.

They must find nothing to settle on, so Clint says instead, "Hey, who wants to go a few rounds of Bullshit?"

"What is that, a game?" Thor asks from his chair.

"Yup, a card game," replies Clint.

Loki turns around and says with alarm, "Don't touch them," speaking over Tony, who's saying, "Yeah, but not with those, those are Loki's."

It's too late. Clint withdraws his hand with a hiss, the tips of his fingers looking red and stiff, as if severely frozen.

"Told ya," mutters Tony.

"What the fuck?" Asks Clint, glaring at Loki.

The mage sighs and heads to them after drying his hands in a towel.

"Brother, what is this?" Thor questions, Natasha silently assessing Clint's fingers.

"I discovered a way to return Loki's powers," Tony tells them.

Loki nods and adds, "These cards are my only weapon as of now, so I put a protective spell on them. My apologies. I will remedy that in a moment." He shuffles the cards and holds out the four and five of hearts. He looks at Natasha and tells her, "You as well, take off the splint," and sets out the five of diamonds.

"Dude!" Clint complains when Loki tugs his hand. Loki just rolls his eyes.

"We tried to warn you," Tony reminds him, and Clint settles with a huff.

Loki casts a simple healing spell for his fingers with the five of hearts, then uses the four of hearts differently, directing his magic deeper into it until the card starts to warm up. "Hold this," he hands Clint the warm piece of cardboard, "it will unfreeze your fingers."

Natasha holds out her arm when Loki prompts her, and he lays the five of hearts face down over where he remembers the break in her arm was from Jarvis' scans. Over it, he places the five of diamonds, since so far his research has shown that the same numbers work best together. He casts a healing spell, directing it through the five of diamonds afterwards so the bone knits itself together to be more resistant.

Once he's done with this, and Clint has returned his other card and thanked him, Natasha shooting him a small smile as she bends and twists her wrist, he notices Thor and Bruce are paying attention to Tony, who's explaining his discovery.

"…then I was thinking about using magic to integrate the Extremis modifications into a suit and it just hit me, so I got Loki and gave him the cards."

"So you did, and I thank you again," says Loki.

"It's good to see you so like yourself again, brother," remarks Thor. "Now, if you could take mercy on us before you start tricking us at every turn I would be grateful."

"I can't promise that," smirks Loki. Tony barks out a laugh and Bruce changes the subject.

"So, Bullshit?"

"Sure," says Tony, "just let me get another deck."

It's forty minutes later and Loki's about to win the game when Tony says, "Bullshit!"

"Are you sure?" teases Loki.

"I second that," says Natasha, "there's only four cards of each number in a deck."

"Have you been counting cards, Nat?" asks Bruce.

"Forget about that, Loki's lying! There's NO chance he has that eight." Tony seems certain, so Loki flips the card over and sure enough, there's an eight on top of the cards.

"Your turn to the pile, Tony!" Thor booms excitedly.

Tony crosses his arms, stares Loki dead in the eye, and says slowly, "Bullshit."

Loki holds the gaze for about five seconds before he cracks and starts laughing manically.

"All right, I yield," he says, and the eight in front of them transforms into a Jack.

"I fucking knew it!" Tony shouts and shoves the pile of cards at Loki, who's still cackling, but takes the cards anyway.

"Wait, no fair!" cries Clint, "How can I count cards when he keeps transforming them and I can't call his bluff?"

Thor chuckles and nudges Loki companionably. "Imagine our childhood," he quips.

_oOo_

"Dr. Banner?" Loki calls somewhat shyly, "Do you have a moment?"

"Sure, Loki," replies the man and waves Loki over into the living room where he's watching the news. Tony's disappeared into his workshop, Steve is in the gym with Thor, happy to finally be matched in strength, and Clint and Natasha are off at SHIELD. "And I've told you, it's Bruce. What's up?"

"I was wondering if I could ask you something about Tony. I don't think the question would go down well with him."

"Pepper?" Banner— Bruce asks, perceptive as ever.

"Pepper." Confirms Loki, eliciting a sigh, but after which a nod follows.

"I was wondering when you'd ask. The first couple of times you came here she and Tony were living in each other's pockets, right?"

"Indeed," muses Loki, "and I also remember the dark mood Tony slipped into for a while after that, and a distinct absence of Miss Potts."

"You're right, it wouldn't go well asking Tony that. He took it really hard." He sighs, as if bracing himself, and rubs his nape. "Okay. Obviously, I don't know the whole story, but from what I gather, Pepper was just too concerned about several things. She was starting to believe that Tony was only with her because it was convenient, so she wanted some distance to figure things out."

Loki grimaces in sympathy, prompting another nod.

"You can imagine Tony's reaction. Keep in mind, these are two people who had been dancing around the other for nearly a decade, during which Pepper had to deal with Tony's various flings and one-night stands."

"And when you say 'various', you're being polite," Loki interjects with a huff.

"Exactly. So Pepper had a hard time believing she had been the one to change him, to make him settle down. And Tony did change; he's not self-destructive anymore, he's not paranoid, he doesn't hide inside his suit… He's a stable man now. Pepper helped, but she wasn't the only reason for the change. The Avengers played an important role in it, too. SHIELD and his father, and Obadiah and Ivan Vanko."

Loki shifts in his seat. He knows about Obadiah, got the whole story on him from Clint while controlled by the Tesseract, and the betrayals Tony's suffered cut a little too close to home.

"It all dissolved into a screaming match when Tony wanted to start using the reactor again. It was a big milestone for them when he decided to get the surgery to remove the shrapnel around his heart. Tony thought he was free of his past and the kidnapping and torture. Pepper thought it meant they were free of Iron Man." Banner takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes tiredly. "While he doesn't tinker and overdo himself on the suits anymore, at least not like he used to, Tony is Iron Man. It's a part of him as important to his personality as being with Pepper. She understands it only up to a certain point. She doesn't get why Tony feels like he has to go out there, fight in the suit."

"Atonement," Loki mutters.

"Yes. He used to be the Merchant of Death, and then he was Iron Man. The truth is, Tony doesn't know how to be just Tony anymore. Pepper doesn't, can't, understand that."

"That's why he went to you," the sorcerer deduces.

"Yes," Bruce lets out a small, self-deprecating laugh. "For a while there, I was stubborn about being just Bruce. Being at war with yourself, between who you think you should be and who you actually are, is torture. The thing is, there's some things we have no control over. We can let them destroy us, or we can embrace them. Tony got his eyes opened when he was held captive in a cave. I screwed up and created the Hulk in an accident, but he is as much a part of me as Iron Man is a part of Tony."

Loki's eyes glaze over, and he looks over into a random spot on the wall, lost in thought. Bruce's words are getting to him, cutting through years of self-abuse and getting to a very important, fundamental truth: Loki's a Jötun. There's no changing that. And if he means to get his son back, he'd best get on with the program and embrace that fact.

"Pepper left," Bruce continues, interrupting Loki's train of thought, "and Tony had a bad time for a while, but he's back on his feet. She deserves someone safe, who can give her the attention she needs and reassure her, and he deserves someone who understands why he keeps putting himself at risk."

"Pepper is still working at Stark Industries, isn't she?" Loki asks then, imagining how uncomfortable that must be.

"Yes," chuckles Bruce, "but Stark Industries was always hers to begin with. Tony doesn't care much about it other than the research and development part. He's an engineer, not a CEO. That was always Pepper's job, and Tony's only too glad to let her keep it."

"I see. Thank you, Bruce," Loki tells him, getting up.

"No problem. You should talk to Tony about it next time, though. I don't think I get the full picture."

Loki nods, turns around to leave.

"Uh, Loki?" Bruce calls.

"Yes?"

"You are aware that part of Tony's one night stands and flings were… male, right? Tony's quite openly bi."

"Yes, although I do not see how that's relevant," Loki evades easily, though he only thinks he succeeds because Bruce is letting him. And if he does notice that his mind has been turning to Tony more often as of late, well… One life-altering revelation is enough for one day, thank you.

He's aware of Bruce's devious smirk and of the man's eyes following him out of the room.

_oOo_

When Loki tells this story again, he will definitely ignore certain details. He will be telling it again, he knows. He does realise how important a step this is for him. But he's ashamed of how his breath catches, his hands shake.

Over the last couple of days he's gotten used to the playing cards, relying on them to make use of his magic. While he knows he only has his power back because he's embraced a part of his heritage, he's still reluctant to look at himself in detail. Loki won't look in the mirror, will shower mostly with his eyes closed, and he's only too tired of avoiding human contact and being overly aware of where he's moving at all times to avoid unintentional frostbite. In his mind, there's a huge difference between using his Jötun-given magic because it's the only one he can use, out of convenience, and actually using Frost Giant magic.

However, Bruce is right.

Loki doesn't have the will, the strength and soundness of mind, that being in constant clash with himself requires. There's no Frigga to ask for advice, no mother figure to reassure him he is loved regardless of his origins and appearance. There's no more deluding himself thinking he can live up to Odin's expectations and gain the throne of Asgard. He can escape neither what he's done or what's been done to him, but through the blood flowing in his veins, through his monstrous nature, there's a way to make things right again.

Loki nods to himself, glances down at the deck of cards in his still very blue hands, and speaks. "Jarvis, close the entrance to the room, please."

The door closes and latches behind him, leaving him shut inside the glass room holding the pool. It's olympic-sized, crossing the tower almost in its entirety, and the view outside is fantastic, even if this is one of the lowest floors in the tower. Loki knows, and is reassured by the fact, that no one can see him from the outside, and so he sighs and crosses over to the other side, the mid-morning sunlight that falls among the skyscrapers hitting his back.

"Could you show me the scans from my magic going back a month ago?" He asks politely, shuffling his cards quickly until he finds the two of diamonds. A holographic screen pops up in front of him, (and really, did Tony install projectors everywhere?) showing the graphs he'd managed to compile before.

There's a steady yellow line at the bottom, showing the current reach of his asgardian magic. This line only goes up to a certain energy output, wavers, and then plummets down to zero again. Next up is a green line, showing medium-sized spikes, although it stays mostly constant.

"Start scanning, please," he tells Jarvis, "and add to the graph as you go."

He chose to start small, already has a grasp of how the numbers for the cards work, but he's somewhat wary of the power he's about to unleash. He knows magic, though, knows how to find the delicate balance of control. He takes one last deep breath, then flings the card over the pool, then follows up with a surge of awareness, a suggestion of shape for the energy to take.

There's a loud crackling sound, almost like thunder but with more brittle edges, rumbling as it moves over the surface of the water, freezing it over. Loki turns back to the window and sees frost crawling up its surface in a pattern almost like fern leaves.

The dark blue scrawl Jarvis adds into the graph shows a rapid growth, then a stable, straight line that shows next to no decline in potency. Does Loki still have control?

He tests it out carefully, pulling the frost back from the windows, then the floor, and finally, the clear surface of the pool. The small, soggy piece of cardboard sinks into the water. The graph to Loki's right shows the yellow and green lines, cutting short and plummeting down, and an almost gentle slope on the blue one, which is significantly longer than the other two. Loki stares with wide eyes, drags a hand over his mouth, then starts to laugh.

It's surprising, unfamiliar: the sound of his gleeful snickers, the way it tugs at the corners of his eyes. It makes him dizzy. He seeks out the four of diamonds, tosses it out over the water, then thinks it into transparent icicles, growing from the slushy water. They're completely clear and diamond-bright. With another nudge, he transforms then into buildings: the palace in Asgard, Stark tower, the pointy, elegant towers of Alfheim, and finally, an altar of columns like in Jötunheimr. There's Idunn's apple trees, Vanaheim's mountains and valleys. The sight touches him deep, the knowledge that he made this happen is empowering, and he finally thinks he might have a chance of success against Odin.

Loki lets the magic go, and the water thaws again. He's still smiling when he asks, "Where's Tony?"

"In his rooms, Master Loki," Jarvis replies smoothly, vanishing the graph and opening the door so Loki can step outside.

_oOo_

Loki steps into Tony's floor, makes quick way into the bedroom, and lets out a quiet chuckle when he realises Tony's in the shower.

"Stark!" He calls out, reaching for the three of diamonds. After all, it wouldn't do to freeze the mortal solid.

"Dude!" yells back Tony, "I'm having me-time in here! Whatever it is, it can wait."

"I really don't think so," says Loki, already sending a card under the bathroom door and forwarding a simple instruction: 'Cold'.

Tony screeches, his shower suddenly icy. "Okay, okay, what the fuck do you want?" He yells, voice strangled by his chattering teeth. "Just make it stop, please!"

"I only needed to tell you I've finally stopped fighting," Loki says with a wide, innocent grin. Tony shoves open the door, clad in a towel around his waist and another large one he's using as a blanket. The card is in his hand.

"Fighting what, asshole?!" He rages, "The only thing suffering here is my dick about to fall off! Can you give me back my warm water, please, before you cause me literal blue balls?!" He's attempting a ferocious glare, but the effect is greatly diminished by his chattering teeth and the almost whine he lets out when he sticks the card to Loki's forehead with the water from his hands.

Loki dissolves into peals of laughter again, even as he recalls the cold and Tony slams the bathroom door in his face.