8
After "the dream", Loki can't go to sleep again. He gets up with a resigned sigh, angry all of a sudden. He's unsure whether this anger is at Tony, at his situation, or at himself, but he feels angry. Also, slightly hungover.
After a quick shower that serves to clear his head if only a little, he decides the room feels too stuffy to remain there. He gets dressed in comfortable clothes and makes his way out. He doesn't want to socialise, much less see Tony right now, so he heads to the balcony garden. The shape of the tower allows for there to be a landing pad for Thor or Tony's suits, and a garden on the other side. It's mostly for show since, to Loki's knowledge, nobody uses it but Banner.
When he gets there, though, he has to be grateful for the Doctor's absence. He has to do some introspecting and this is best done alone, especially now that he feels he would be annoyed by the other's presence.
He pulls a mat out of the supplies rack by the entrance and sits cross-legged near the edge of the balcony, admiring the view of the slowly approaching sunrise. He lets his mind drift, trying to grasp at some things he knows need to be thought over. First of all, he thinks of Tony. He's not deluded, he knows he's attracted to the mortal, but he hasn't let himself believe he can do anything about it. Up until last night, he thought the attraction was completely onesided.
Now, though, he lets himself wonder. What if the small smiles, the occasional touches, mean something? He can recall Natasha looking at him weirdly that day by the pool, and he remembers Bruce's inquisitive looks and the words "quite openly bi."
When he bothers to think about it, he hasn't seen Tony spar with any other Avenger, preferring to work out alone. And the only person allowed in the lab besides Pepper is Bruce because, as Tony says, they're science bros. To be allowed quite openly into the man's space, to be encouraged to be there, makes Loki feel like smiling for some reason.
Then, there's the dream. Loki's worried about that one, quite frankly. On the one hand, it was amazing to be able to fantasise about sex again. He hasn't had that happen since he was far younger and, since Sleipnir, his sex drive has been near nonexistent. He's glad, then, that he can still have those thoughts. However… The thought of sex now still makes uncertainty and fear twist his stomach into knots. In his dream it was particularly unsettling, what with the vulnerability and compliance, and the thought that he subconsciously wants all that sits ill with Loki now that he's awake. He feels exhausted from hiding and would finally like to go back to normal, as much as he was normal before he had a child, but at the same time feels apprehensive of what will happen.
There's nothing for it, really, except seeing if he can work out the confidence to let go with a partner again. They would have to know, though, and it's this part that still terrifies Loki. The last person to find out wasn't exactly accepting and, should it happen again that they're… That Tony is… The risk is still too great, but is Loki willing to take it?
The clang of the elevator distracts him, and he turns away from the New York skyline, lit by the rising sun, to face the Black Widow herself, in her training gear.
"Good morning," she says pleasantly, "I didn't expect to find you here."
"Good morning," he replies in kind and explains, "I had some thinking to do and this seemed like an appropriate place to be alone."
She stops in her search for a mat and says uncertainly, "I could leave…"
"No, no, it's alright," interrupts Loki, gesturing to the floor, "sit, please."
She does as requested, legs stretched out in front of her, and they fall quiet for long minutes, gazing out into the horizon. Avengers Tower is only a little higher that most skyscrapers in Downtown NY, but since they're a little ways away from the center of the city, they get a nice view.
Natasha breaks the silence first, "I've always found this to be a nice place to clear my head. I tried meditating in my room, but it's too quiet for my taste."
"Likewise," replies Loki, wrapping his arms around his knees, eyes lost to the play of light on the reflective buildings. They fall silent again, Natasha sitting primly on her mat, Loki's hands fidgeting with the wooden deck floorboards.
"If you want to…" she starts, then sighs. "I know I'm probably the last person you'd feel comfortable talking to, but you look like you need to talk something out and I could listen, if you wanted."
Loki chuckles mirthlessly, "Strangely enough, it's easier to speak with you than it is with a certain thunderer in the vicinity." He falls deep into thought then. Should he tell her? She seems to have him figured out to a certain degree; he remembers their conversation in the pool quite clearly. She's also a master spy who managed to outwit him a while ago in the helicarrier. Granted, he wasn't at his best then, but still. She probably knows all he has to say already. And it would be good to have someone to talk to.
Loki sighs and asks quietly, "Can I be certain you'll keep my confidence?"
"That sounds very formal," she answers, but then meets his gaze earnestly to say a simple "Yes."
When he takes a minute to start talking, she looks at him quizzically. Loki can feel a blush starting under his cheeks, regardless of how cold his skin is when it's blue like this. "What I will tell you is of a very… personal nature," he says uncertainly.
"Loki, I've been a spy since I was no more than a teenager, there is literally nothing you could say that would surprise me."
Loki chuckles, glad that she's so earnest. "I don't really know where to start."
Natasha just stays silent and looks out into the city.
"Ever since I was younger," he begins after a minute, "I've been second to Thor. While we were raised to have allegedly equal opportunities, it didn't take me long to realise Odin Allfafther favoured Thor over me in certain situations."
Natasha hums.
"There was a time when I wondered whether my mother was attempting to compensate for this in her affections for me."
"Mama's boy?" She asks with a wide grin.
"Thoroughly," replies Loki, smiling fondly at the memory of warm laughter. "In any case, my upbringing was, in most cases, more relaxed than Thor's. Even if I did not know it then, I was being groomed for the position of advisor, prepared to offer counsel to Asgard's future king."
"We knew all this when we met you in Stuttgart," says Natasha, prompting him.
"Of course," deadpans Loki. "I've told you I had more free time and less responsibilities than Thor. What do you believe this led to in my youth?"
She grins. "A bored, spoiled" Loki makes a sound of protest at that, "prince of Asgard? I can only imagine you—forgive me for being crass—fucking your way through every single lady in the realm."
"Indeed," continues Loki, "although my fascination with the ladies did not last. I am… Otherwise inclined." He's afraid to look at the spy, but relaxes when she huffs and comments, "Obviously. And I assume you were quite the catch as well?"
He chuckles, then goes serious again. "I created a reputation for myself, and not a flattering one."
"I can imagine how it went," she interjects bitterly, standing up from her mat to go and lean her forearms on the railing of the balcony.
"Yes," Loki tells her back, "and so later on…" He swallows, takes a deep breath, "the Allfather was disinclined to believe me."
Natasha turns to look at him, then. Her face is contorted into an expression of both pity and understanding. If the second wasn't there, Loki would be quite mad. He doesn't need pity. However, it seems to him that she's making that face as much for herself as she is for him. This story is old news for her.
He supposes his own face is mirroring the expression. For a moment, they are both quiet and bask in mutual understanding. Loki has to admit, the last person he imagined he would be able to talk has become one of his closest friends in the time he's been travelling back and forth to Midgard.
Natasha remains silent for a moment longer, looking out into the city once more before telling him, "If you ever need anyone to talk it out with, I'm your girl."
"I appreciate it," replies Loki.
"Well. It's my turn to cook breakfast," she sighs, heading for the elevator. "Want to help me?"
"Certainly," answers Loki with a chuckle.
_oOo_
As is usual for them, the Avengers pour into the common kitchen one by one, some dragging their feet, some fresh from a shower. Loki hands out plates as soon as Natasha finishes the omelettes they're having and turns the espresso machine on for everyone to get their caffeine dose.
Tony's the last to come in, sitting down and immediately laying his head on the table.
"I am so hungover…" He mumbles into the wooden surface, then requests, "Never let me drink again," making miserable eyes at Loki.
"Dude," interjects Clint, "Your own fault. You should know better."
"Yeah, Mom. Hey Nat, do we have any vodka for a Bloody Mary?" he asks the spy, cracking one eye open.
"Nope," she replies, "we ran out on Steve's birthday, remember?" Steve goes bright red in the face, and Thor chokes on his coffee trying to hide a snort. It took some time, but eventually they all decided that Tony should be left to his own devices when drinking. The man has proven that any and all attempts (generally by Steve) to get him to stop drinking will just fail and Tony will get the alcohol he wants or needs, usually aided, strangely, by JARVIS, who has strict orders to obey Tony unless he feels his master's life is at immediate risk.
"Right! Fun times." Tony turns to Bruce, who's finishing a mushroom omelette with gusto, "Brucie, could you hook a brother up with painkillers?"
Banner nods, and when they're done, they head to Bruce's lab for the medication. Loki lets out a relieved sigh when they get into the elevator, and can see Natasha give him a quizzical glance out of the corner of his eye.
"Why couldn't he just take some aspirin again?" asks Clint to the room at large, starting on clearing the table and handing the plates to Steve at the sink.
"It's the reactor, remember?" says Steve. "According to Pepper, he got to a point where over the counter meds just weren't cutting it. Not to mention the Palladium thing, radiation burns and early onset osteoporosis from having metal plating installed in less than ideal conditions." He shrugs, "If you ask me, it's good that he's consulting Bruce on this."
Loki has to school his features into a neutral expression after hearing this. If Tony's team knows this it must be fairly common information, but it still sounds like a delicate situation. However, he feels it's not his place to ask in detail. Also, Natasha's been sending him calculating looks the whole morning, and he really doesn't need her to figure him out before he's had a chance to do so himself.
After everyone leaves for the day, Thor to visit Jane, and Steve, Natasha and Clint for SHIELD, Loki grabs a book from his room and heads to the common living room to read. It's several hours later that Tony walks into the room, tablet held out in front of him and a young voice asking him, "But how can I get it to be lighter without sacrificing firepower?"
"Are we talking legal or illegal here?" Tony says, plopping down on the sofa across from Loki, who raises an eyebrow at him.
"Tony!" the voice calls from the screen, "If I want to be able to bring it to the contest, it has to be legal AND non-lethal."
"Well I don't know about lighter, but you could change the placement of the air cannister and hold it closer to your body, which means that you don't have to hold it like it's going to bite you in the face and control it better."
"What about kickback?"
"Well, if you hold the gun closer to your body it won't hit you in the face when it fires. Simple physics, really."
"Okay, well, I have to go heat up dinner for my sister, but thank you. I'll call you next week?"
"You bet, buddy," replies Tony with a smile and a wave before locking the screen of the tablet.
"Who was that?" Loki asks, trying to make it nonchalant.
"A friend," says Tony, "I met him a couple of years back and he lent me a Dora the explorer watch."
Loki's confused frown must speak for itself because Tony elaborates, "His name's Harley. Great kid. Bruce says he's like a mini-me. I basically have my own minion."
"You're teaching a child to build guns," deadpans Loki.
Tony lifts his hands, palms up, in self-defense, "Potato guns. For a state contest. It's a solid step up from the Mark II, believe me. We have a good chance this year." He grabs the remote and turns on the TV, zapping through channels.
Loki gives a small smile, turning his attention back to his book. The way Tony talks about Harley is so proud it's almost dad-like. He's seen the team interact with children before, witnessed Steve's patience, Bruce's teacher-like quality. Thor, as expected, is not good with them. He's too loud and moves too suddenly, as if he were still growing into his limbs himself. Natasha and Clint though, are naturals. They know just how to make a frightened kid stop crying, will get them to smile very easily, and the children trust them. He hadn't imagined Tony like that before now.
After a few moments of trying to stare at the engineer without him noticing, Loki has to give himself a slight shake of the head and get up to go to his room again. This kind of obvious pining is no good and he's still confused about the dream.