The Secret Life of Brian
by LDEJRuff
Chapter 7 - Chickens and Tomato Juice
A few days later, a green car pulled up into the driveway. Behind the steering wheel of the car was Ernie the Giant Chicken. Unlike in his usual encounters with Peter, he didn't wear an angry expression. Instead, he wore a sad expression.
"Oh, Brian," Ernie thought. "I can't believe that you would do this for your own son. But I will do as you said on the day you got your car back..."
Flashback to last month. Ernie was driving his car, minding his own business.
"Okay," he began, "I just need to find flour, milk and eggs for Nicole's birthday cake, then I can surprise her with..."
He stopped short when he noticed Brian Griffin sitting on a green bench.
"What the hell?"
Ernie pulled into the area where Brian was. Brian quickly took notice. Ernie exited the car.
"Brian Griffin?" Ernie asked, confused. "What are you doing here? Didn't you just kick the bucket a couple days ago?"
"If you want to know the truth, Chicken," Brian began, "you must promise me that you won't tell anyone about my still being alive, not even Peter."
"Are...Are you bribing me?"
"Nobody said this was a bribe. Okay. The truth is...I used one of Stewie's machines to clone myself. It wasn't me who got run over and killed by that Benz, it was my clone. And the man who drove that Benz...was me. I killed my own clone, and made all of Quahog believe me to be dead, so that I can be with my own son, Dylan. The only other people in the city who knows about me still being alive are Jerome, that jerk, Glenn Quagmire, and now...you."
"You know what, Brian?" Ernie began. "That's just the act that can get you into trouble." With that, he pointed a primary index feather at Brian. "But," he continued, retracting the feather, "I'll do what I can to keep your secret."
"Thanks, Ernie."
"By the way, your family sold your car to a used car dealership."
"Thanks for letting me know. If I can get it back, just promise me another thing."
"Another promise?"
"Yeah. Promise me that you won't get into anymore fights with Peter. These kinds of fights can lead to violence and destruction. So, if Peter doesn't want to have another bad reputation with the chicken community, just tell him that you're sorry for the Griffins' loss."
Ernie thought about it.
"Okay, Brian," he said. "You got yourself a deal."
With that, Brian shook Ernie's wing.
Back to today. Ernie got out of the car and knocked on the door.
"Okay, Ernie," he thought to himself. "Just keep your cool and don't break your promise."
Peter opened the door, and his eyes narrowed when he saw Ernie. Just when Peter was about to punch Ernie, the chicken stopped him.
"Wait," he said, giving a wing signal. "Before you and I get into another chicken fight, I just want to say...I'm sorry for your loss."
"You..." Peter began, unclenching his fist, "You what?"
"I learned that you've lost your dog last month," Ernie said. "I...I can't fight you anymore knowing about this information."
"Yeah," Peter replied. "And it broke our hearts so much when he died."
Ernie started to feel guilty. "I know it may not be much, but I'm also sorry for all the fights that I've been in with you. The expired coupon. The dinner fiasco with Nicole. Everything."
"No, Ernie," Peter replied. "If anyone is to blame for the fights, it's me. I'm the one who should be sorry."
"So, do we call a truce?" Ernie asked, offering a shake.
Peter looked behind himself. Lois, Meg and Chris have also been watching. Lois couldn't help but feel sad for them, so she nodded her head in agreement.
"Yes," Peter finally replied, shaking Ernie's wing. "Let's agree never to fight again."
"Good."
"Ay!" Vinny shouted from the backyard. "Oh! Oh! Ay! Ay! Oh! Again!"
"Hey, what's going on?" Ernie asked.
"Oh, that's our new dog, Vinny," Peter answered. "Something bad must have happened to him."
"Oh, my God," Lois said, walking to Peter and holding her nose. "Vinny's just been sprayed by a skunk. Get the tomato juice."
"Holy crap," Peter said, panicked.
"You know," Ernie informed, "tomato juice may be a good idea to get rid of skunk smells, but it can leave a permanent stain in the tub. I guess sometime afterwards, you can bleach the tub for it to regain the white color."
"Wow, Ernie," Peter began, unimpressed, "that sounds kinda lame."
Later that day, back at the Flannigan house, while Brian was busy mowing the lawn, his phone started vibrating. Brian stopped the mower and answered it.
"Hello?"
On the other line was Vinny, sitting in a tomato-juice-filled bathtub and collarless.
"Hey there."
"Oh, hi, Vinny," Brian replied, smiling. "How's it going?"
"You know, a funny thing happened to me today," Vinny answered. "I was outside in the backyard sunbathing, when all of a sudden, a skunk came out of nowhere and sprayed me with its musk."
"Oh, no," Brian said, worried. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," Vinny replied. "Peter and Lois were lucky enough to prepare a tomato juice bath for me to get rid of the smell. Anyway, remember those chicken fights Peter usually has with the Giant Chicken? Both agreed to never fight again, after what happened last month."
"Oh," Brian said. "That's good to hear."
"Well, I gotta go," Vinny said. "I gotta let my mother know how I'm doing. Talk to you later."
"Okay, Vinny," Brian said. "Keep taking care of the Griffins for me."
With that Brian hung up while Vinny tapped his mother's number on the phone.
"Hey, Ma," Vinny began, "remember, I told you, one day I'd be swimming in marinara?...Ma?...Ma, turn down the TV!"
Inside his bedroom, Stewie was in his crib, arms crossed.
"Stupid skunk plan didn't work," he sulked. "Guess I'll have to search for other ways to get rid of Vinny." He turned to his teddy bear, Rupert. "Rupert, do you have any ideas?"
...
"Hmmm, good point," Stewie continued. "I'll have to find some news about Italian-Americans. If it's bad, I'll have to tell him about it that he'll get a heart attack."