The Secret Life of Brian
by LDEJRuff
Chapter 9 - Information About Glenn Quagmire
Some time later, while the Griffins were watching Muppet Babies, there was a knock on the door. Peter answered and saw that it was Glenn.
"Hey, Quagmire," Peter greeted.
"Hey, Peter," Glenn greeted back. "Do you mind if I hang out here a while? I accidentally made eye contact with a transvestite at a bar, and he followed me home."
"Oh, sure," Peter replied. "Come on in, Quagmire." Glenn started to take his shoes off. "Oh, you don't have to take your shoes off. Our house sucks."
At this, Vinny walked to the door to greet Glenn as well.
"So, Quagmire," he began, "if you're some kind of big ladies' man, how come I never see you wearing a necklace?"
"I, uh that's not really my thing."
"I'll get you one."
"Please, don't," Glenn begged.
"Hey, come on!" Stewie said, dressed up like an Italian and emulating one as well. The guy wants to get you a necklace, let him get you a necklace!"
Cutaway: Vinny's voice actor, Tony Sirico, in live action footage, was busy watching TV in his living room.
"Stewie, please," Tony warned, "I know you're trying to be like the dog I voice, but it just ain't you. And Vinny, give Brian my regards."
Back to the living room.
"Will do, Tony," Vinny replied, giving a thumb up.
"Vinny, who are you talking to?" Peter asked.
"Oh, uh, nobody," Vinny replied uneasily. Afterwards, he went upstairs so he could talk to Brian on the phone, in private.
The screen split to show Brian talking on the phone in the living room of the Flannigan house on the right side of the screen.
"Hello, Vin," Brian said.
"Hey," Vinny replied. "Listen, you ain't gonna believe this, but Peter's neighbor, Glenn Quagmire, has come over to visit."
"Oh, lord," Brian feared. "He's probably going to spill the beans about my being alive."
"Well, he didn't," Vinny said. "Wait, how'd he know you're still alive?"
Brian sighed. "First of all, besides you, he's one of a few Quahogers that knows about my still-going existence. Second, Glenn's the person you gotta watch out for. He and I have been rivals since Season 8."
"He's your rival?"
"Yeah," Brian nodded. "If you have a few minutes, I should tell you more about him."
"Despite being a ladies' man, Glenn Quagmire's also a sex offender, a neglectful father and a cheating pervert. I tried to gain his friendship once, but he chewed me out one night while we were at the steakhouse with a rant about why he didn't like me. He started by calling me the worst person he knew. He says that I constantly hit on Lois, Peter pays for my food, saves me from certain death, and I repay him with being a liberal douche. And to make matters worse, I defecate on his lawn, that is, until Lois forced me to use the toilet like everyone else in the family. And more about Glenn, he reminded me about how I never pay anyone back. And what always bothers him is how the women I date think I'm a soul dog. Glenn dates women with honesty. He compares me to Holden Caulfield, saying that my interpretations are intellectual, while Holden's are sorta bratty. He usually calls people 'phonies'. And Glenn calls my writing terrible, even though I happen to be a great writer, since I've written two books, including my self-help book, Wish It. Want It. Do It. I tried to envy Glenn by taking the love of his life, Cheryl Tiegs, away from him. Glenn turned the tables when he took my ex-girlfriend, Jillian, away from me. It was when, another night at the L'Espèce d'Andouille, we traded insults at each other so much that both Cheryl and Jillian decided to leave us on account of me being a user and Glenn acting like a unicycle street performer with a parrot on his shoulder. But enough about that night. It's time we talked about the other night. Glenn hated my liberal textbook agenda, like the time I tried legalizing marijuana, and the time I talked about homelessness being the biggest American tragedy. That was before I found you, when you told me and Dylan how your owner, Leo died. And more about Glenn's rant, he called me out for being an atheist, a two-timing college failure, and a bad father. He concluded the rant by saying that he called me a big, sad, alcoholic bore. Our rivalry took a turn for the worse when I had sex with his genderbent father, Ida Davis, who was once known before the sex change as decorated war hero Lieutenant Commander Dan Quagmire. When I found out about this from Stewie, I threw up in his room for thirty seconds and was grossed out. Glenn beat the crap out of me the same day after I took a bath, and threatened to kill me the next time I came to his house."
Throughout Brian's lecture, Vinny was frozen in fear.
"Wow, Brian," he suddenly responded in the form of a whisper. "It's no wonder you and Quagmire ain't friends. I just hope Dylan didn't listen."
"He didn't, Vinny," Brian replied. "Besides, he's out at work starring in an episode of Parent Boppers, anyway. He'll be starting high school soon."
"Well, I gotta go, B," Vinny said, cupping a paw to the speaker of his phone. "Give my regards to Dylan. Oh, and Tony said hi."
"Okay, thanks, Vin," Brian replied. "Talk to you later."
With that, both dogs hung up. Brian's side of the screen expanded when he got a reminder.
"Oh," he said. "I have another momentary visit at the hospital to check on Tracy. Mustn't forget that."
Author's note: And thus begins what happens during "Into Harmony's Way".