Carol wanted to say yes - so badly. Was there a place for Daryl in her new life? She really wanted there to be a place for him - she needed there to be a place for him… But was there? She was such a different person now. Her entire philosophy had changed. How could Daryl possibly understand?
But it was more than that. There was one major problem with Daryl being in her life. He meant too much to her. How could she live by her new code with him around? If anyone hurt him, threatened him or even came close to it… she would kill them without a second thought. She cared about him that much… too much.
At the same time she missed him… God, she missed him. She missed talking to him, teasing him, cooking for him… She missed just seeing him walk by or hearing his voice when he spoke to someone else. She missed his damn face. His beautiful face. And now here he was looking at her with those eager eyes, practically begging her to want him around… yet she just couldn't say yes.
But she couldn't say no either. "I… I'm uh… I'm not sure," she stammered. Dammit, that look… His eyes were so sad - like a puppy who had just been punished. "Daryl…" she tried to reach for his hand but he dodged her and backed away.
"It's fine," he said icily. "It's fine…" he repeated more quietly as he continued to back away from her.
"Daryl," she tried again. She had to fix this… somehow. They needed time to talk. She needed a chance to explain things. It was like a knife stabbing into her heart knowing that she was hurting him. "Will you come here - tonight?" She asked. "We can talk. We need to talk…"
Daryl shook his head. "Nah, I've heard enough."
"Please," she pleaded. "Just come tonight okay? Please?" He didn't answer. He didn't refuse, but he didn't agree either. He was just… gone.
Carol busied herself with day to day activities and though she saw Daryl a few times over the course of the day she didn't speak to him and she could tell he was avoiding eye contact. Once he started a shift on watch she didn't see him again, but shift changed at dark, so by 10pm she was watching out the window hoping to see him approach.
Carol watched and waited, as the knot in her stomach got tighter and tighter every time she looked at the clock. By 11:30 it was clear that he wasn't coming. Her heart sank and she wanted to cry but refused to let the tears fall.
There was somewhere she needed to go. Carol grabbed a jacket and left her house. She moved two buildings over, entered and knocked on a door with the number 23 on it. Just as she was about to knock a second time the door opened. "Carol? What's going on?" Morgan asked, rubbing his eyes. She had clearly woke him up.
"I need to talk," she said, not waiting for an invite but instead just brushing past him and heading straight for the kitchen. She made them both a coffee and then sat down at the table. They had sat there many times and drank a lot of coffee. There had been some very emotional moments in that very spot - for both of them.
"Okay," Morgan said after taking a sip. "What's going on?"
"It's Daryl," she said.
"You must be thrilled to see him," Morgan replied with a smile. Carol stared at him blankly. What the hell was she supposed to say to that? Of course she was thrilled, but at the same time - it was awful. She'd made a mess of things in a matter of minutes. "You ain't happy he's here?" Morgan continued, looking confused.
"I am," Carol insisted. "It's so good to see him… but…" She was really struggling to explain herself. She had got to the point that she was very open and honest with Morgan and found it very easy to talk to him. Carol decided it had to be because she was tired - that's why she was having such a tough time. "He asked me if he could be a part of my life again… and I freaked out," she sighed.
"Tell me why," Morgan said gently.
"If he's here… If I'm around him… I'll just end up right back where I was before," Carol replied. "I'll kill for him. I need to protect him."
"You won't," Morgan insisted. "You've come too far. You need to trust yourself Carol, and you need to trust him."
"Why? Why take the chance?" She asked, feeling the tears start to fill her eyes. "I can just tell him not to come back… to send others and just stay away…"
"You can't do that," Morgan said with a little smile. "You shouldn't."
"What do you mean? Why can't I?" Carol asked. He was doing that thing where he gets all cryptic and Carol hated it when he did that.
"Let me ask you something…" Morgan said, looking serious. "Did you love Tobin?"
"Of course I did," Carol replied. "I loved everyone in Alexandria - they were… they are my family."
"No, I mean - were you in love with him?" Morgan clarified.
Carol took a deep breath. "Oh.. Um…" She shook her head. "No, it wasn't like that. I was just trying to be someone else and maybe that other person I was trying to be could have loved him someday… but it wasn't me."
Morgan nodded. "Did you love Ed?"
"Ha," Carol chuckled. "I thought I did… but I was young when we met and I know now it was never love."
"Was there anyone before Ed?" He asked.
Carol wasn't sure where he was going with this line of thought. "No, not really. A couple short term things… but nothing serious." She narrowed her eyes. "What is this about?"
"Just getting things straight in my mind before I say something significant," Morgan replied, smiling at her.
"Would you quit with the Yoda bullshit and just tell me what's on your mind?" Carol snapped.
"Okay, okay… Carol… you're in love with him. With Daryl," he said. "You've never been in love before, it's natural that you don't recognize it - or maybe you're scared and don't want to see it. But that's why you can't send him away. You're in love with him and have been for sometime." His words were slowly sinking in. "You are finally in a place where you can let yourself be happy… and you should."
Carol opened her mouth to protest but nothing came out. What was there to say? He was right. The reason she would do absolutely anything for Daryl was because she was in love with him. She left to protect him. She gave him no choice in the matter. But she had always felt like she left her heart behind - with him. It all made so much sense but had she known it before and just didn't want to see it? Or was Morgan onto something with the idea that she just didn't know what it felt like to be in love with someone. "What if… I mean - he doesn't feel that way about me, so what does it matter?"
Morgan laughed and she resisted the urge to punch him. "He does. Trust me."
"You don't know that… Daryl is… he's complicated," Carol protested.
"Carol… the only one it ain't obvious to is you." Morgan shrugged, "And maybe him." Carol sighed. "I'm serious," he insisted. "The two of you are so much alike. I don't know that Daryl has a clue that what he's feeling for you is love. I don't know all that much about him - but I'm willing to bet he ain't been in love before either."
"This doesn't change anything you know," Carol said, crossing her arms. "It doesn't change the fact that I would kill for him."
Morgan eyed her for a moment. "I don't believe you would when it came down to it. I believe you would stick by your way of life… but…" he held up a finger. "But if that's the case… he's only one person and he's the most important person in the world to you. We don't have to kill… but sometimes we have to kill. If he's your 'sometimes' you need to let yourself be okay with that or it's gonna eat you up - you've come too far for that."
Carol pondered his words. They made sense. Morgan always made sense and sometimes it was fucking annoying, but most of the time it was welcome wisdom. "So what do I do now?" She asked.
Morgan gave her a look. "I've taken you 'bout as far as I can. It's up to you from here," he shrugged. "You know I'm here if you need to talk."
"Thank you," Carol said, sincerely. "Okay, you can go back to sleep now," she added sweetly. "And I'm gonna make you something."
"Those chocolate pecan muffins were pretty tasty," Morgan joked as he walked her to the door.
"Hmm… that might just be doable." Carol gave him a quick hug. "Night."
The smile spread across her face before she even made it home. So this is what love feels like, Carol thought, resisting the urge to giggle while walking alone after midnight. Her emotions were a complete rollercoaster. The second she stepped inside she went from giddy elation to complete freak out mode. What if Morgan is wrong? What if Daryl doesn't feel the same way? Five minutes later she was thinking about all the moments her and Daryl had shared and she decided again that Morgan was right. Daryl felt something for her too.
Knowing she was never going to get to sleep anytime soon Carol went into the kitchen and started to bake. She made Morgan's muffins first. She would deliver them first thing in the morning so he could have one for breakfast. While the muffins were baking she whipped up a batch of cookie batter. It was nice to have such vast supplies at Hilltop. She could make almost any kind of cookie she would have made before the turn.
Just after 2 am she crawled into bed. Carol was tired enough to shut off her brain and fall asleep. When the alarm went off a few hours later she woke with a knot in her stomach, but also a warm feeling that took her a moment to place. Daryl… Her foggy, tired brain made the connection and she got into the shower with a smile.
But as her brain woke up it started to work too much, yet again. By the time she finished showering and was dressed Carol was pretty sure she had gone through every disastrous scenario imaginable. She headed for the kitchen and grabbed the bag of muffins and the bag of cookies she'd made before bed.
With a big deep breath she headed outside. It was either gonna be a disaster or it was gonna be great. There was only one way to find out. But before they could move forward Carol knew they had to deal with the past. She needed to talk to Daryl about leaving and everything that had happened since then. If he couldn't accept her for who she was now there was no point in her admitting her feelings - no point in hurting either one of them anymore.
She quickly dropped the muffins off with Morgan and headed to the watch post to wait for Daryl. Shift change would happen any time. Finally she saw him coming. He was avoiding looking at her even though he wouldn't have much choice soon. "Hi," Carol said when he was close enough.
"Hey," he muttered, looking past her.
Carol had enough of his childish behaviour. "Listen, these are for you. I made them last night," she held out the bag of chocolate chip M&M cookies. "They're really good. Really, really good. And everyone knows it - so if you don't want to share I suggest you hide them - quickly." Daryl tucked the bag inside his jacket and she couldn't help but smile. "Tonight, when your shift is over you will come to my place and we will talk," Carol said in a tone that told him she was very serious. "If you don't show up I will find you. We're going to talk," she insisted.
Carol was about to continue with her threats when Daryl spoke. "Okay. I'll be there."
"Huh? Oh…" she was stunned for a moment. She wasn't expecting him to agree that quickly. "Okay then… great… uh… have a good day." Carol started to walk away.
"Hey," he called out. "Thank you."
"You're welcome," she replied, turning to walk away again.
"Hey," he said stopping her one more time. Carol turned back and waited for him to speak. He hesitated and then spoke so softly that she could barely hear him. "I've missed you."
"Me too," she replied with a smile. Carol walked away quickly before she started to cry.