Carol was already pacing when she heard the knock on the door. Three short wraps. Just like they'd always done to let each other know exactly who was knocking. It was just one of their many "things." Some of those things were incredibly intimate when she actually thought about it. The way he used to brush her arm "accidentally." Carol had always ignored the feeling of electricity that flowed through her from his touch, even the slightest graze. And there was this thing that happened with his voice sometimes - only when he talked to her. It was softer, lower… sexy… it made her shiver just thinking about it.
When she opened the door it happened. "Hey," he said - in that exact tone she'd just been thinking about it. Then he walked into the house, brushing her arm with his as he passed, sending that jolt of electricity through her from head to toe… Carol realized that this chat was going to be even harder than she could possibly have imagined.
"Did you, um, did you want me to make you something… dinner? Are you hungry? Did you eat? I can cook something - for you…" Carol was talking way too fast and stammering through every word.
"Nah, I'm good," Daryl replied. "That girl… with the really curly hair… she brought me some food." Carol resisted the urge to smile. Daryl would have no clue, but that girl with the really curly hair was bringing him food hoping for a little attention she wasn't going to get from him.
"Okay, um, then… I guess we can just… uh, go in the kitchen and sit… or the living room, or um, wherever you want," Carol said, feeling annoyed with herself for having such a difficult time talking.
"Kitchen's good," Daryl grunted. She led the way and they sat down at the table.
"Did you like the cookies?" Carol asked, trying to make a little small talk in an attempt to relax a bit.
"I ate them all," Daryl said, giving her a sheepish look. "I ain't had cookies since… since you left…" His voice trailed off and his words left her with a pang in her chest.
Carol knew that small talk wasn't going to get them anywhere, she needed to get right into it. She took a deep breath and decided to start a little further back than Daryl might have expected. "Do you remember when we were looking for Beth… I gave you the chance to ask me what happened with Lizzie and Mika… but you never asked. Why?"
"I knew they were gone," Daryl said with a shrug. "Just didn't think you needed to hurt more by talking about it."
Carol nodded. He was trying to protect her, as usual. "Well, I need you to know the truth because it's a big part of how I got where I was… when I left." She took a moment to compose herself, determined not to cry so early in the conversation. Carol explained to him what Lizzie was like, how disturbed she was and how she viewed the world. "So when we came back and… saw Mika…" Carol's voice cracked. "She just… she just had no idea what she'd done." Daryl was staring at her in disbelief. "She told us Mika would come back and we would see that we were wrong." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "And she said she was just about to… Judith…" Carol focussed and somehow got through the rest of the story, keeping her emotions in check as best she could. Daryl looked physically ill by the time she was finished.
"You said you couldn't let yourself feel," he said quietly. "I wanted to respect that. Thought you'd come to me when you were ready… you never did…"
"There was never a good time," Carol replied. Maybe it was a lame excuse. Maybe she was just too scared to tell anyone.
Daryl, as usual, saw through her bullshit. "There was time. There was plenty of time, like when you moved off on your own after the attack and avoided me for weeks. Or when you were doing that thing - whatever it was - with Tobin." Carol didn't miss the wounded look on his face.
"Daryl… I was too far gone by that point," her eyes pleaded with him for understanding. "Tobin… he was… I just wanted to feel normal. I was grasping. I was sinking. I thought maybe I could just live this ordinary life with this ordinary guy who goes to work every day and comes home every night." Carol saw the struggle in his face. He was trying to understand - and that's all she could ask of him. "I could hide everything when I was with him because he didn't know me well enough to see the pain. You would have seen it if I spent time with you," Carol explained. "You would have seen right through me and I would have broke - I didn't want to break."
"Why?" He asked. "Maybe I could have helped."
It was time to get to the root of the problem and hope he would finally understand. "If someone is weak - if they're broken… They can't fight and they can't kill." Carol felt the tears start to prickle her eyes. "You know when I decided to leave?" She asked. Daryl shrugged. "When we dug that grave and buried Denise. You were a wreck - absolutely tore up with guilt because you didn't kill Dwight and then Dwight killed her." She didn't mean to make him sad, but she could tell there was still guilt there - to this day. "I couldn't let that be me," Carol said, a tear rolling down her cheek. "I almost got Maggie and myself killed when we were kidnapped because I froze. I didn't want to kill - I don't - not anymore." More tears fell. "I had to get away because I loved all of you too much to risk your lives by being around me."
Daryl shook his head. "We could have protected you - I," he said with emphasis. "I could have protected you until you got better."
"Daryl, please… I need you to understand… I didn't know I could get better. I was so far down I didn't think it was possibly to come back… I…" She hadn't admitted this to anyone but Morgan, "I wanted to die."
Daryl looked like he was going to be sick for a moment and then the look changed to one of hurt, maybe something else - anger… "You didn't say goodbye," he stated, a slight edge to his voice. "You spent the night - with him… and you left a note - with him… and you didn't say goodbye… to me."
"Please," she pleaded again. "You have to know that I did all of that for a reason. I needed him there to find the note so no one would come looking for me. I didn't want anyone to find me or risk their lives trying." Carol swiped away the tears. Her heart was aching. "You wouldn't have let me leave if I tried to say goodbye - I know you and you know me… that was the problem."
"But you didn't say goodbye," Daryl said, a little louder. He seemed to be really stuck on one point but it was clearly the thing that had hurt him the most. "You know me - you have to know I looked for you as soon as I found out." Carol nodded. She knew she had to get far away before Daryl found out because he would come after her - that was a given.
"Would it really have mattered if I said goodbye?" Carol asked gently. "Would it have made a difference if I left you a personal note or something…"
"Yes," he said quickly. "No," he said right after. "I don't know," Daryl hissed in frustration. "But you just didn't. That's all I know."
"I'm sorry," Carol said weakly. What else could she say? She couldn't change what she'd already done.
Daryl stood up and Carol felt her stomach knot up. "I'm glad you're better." That was all he said before he started to leave.
"Daryl? Daryl?" She called after him. "Where are you going? What…"
"I just…" he sighed deeply. "I just need space… time…"
Carol was at a loss. Daryl was so sensitive and she'd hurt him badly. She was better… but his healing was only beginning. "Okay," she replied, following him towards the front door. "I'm here… whenever you're ready."
Daryl grunted something and was gone. Carol went up to bed and cried until she finally fell asleep.
Much like she'd done to him back in Alexandria Daryl avoided her for the remainder of his stay at Hilltop. It was agony to have him so close, but so closed off. She tried a couple of times to approach him - but stopped herself. When he was ready - if that time ever came… he could come to her.
Tara and Heath had arrived to finish the first round with Daryl. And exactly one week after Rick, Michonne and Daryl arrived a new crew came to replace the three guards. Daryl would be leaving… And Abe, Sasha and Aaron would take over.
Carol put on a happy face and welcomed the three new arrivals. Jesus showed them around and made sure they were comfortable before they started their shift. Carol said goodbye to Tara and Heath and thanked them for their hard work. Daryl was nowhere to be found, clearly still avoiding her. Carol waited a bit, but she started to realize that he likely wasn't planning on showing up to leave until he knew she was gone.
She rushed home before she got too emotional. Carol needed some time alone to compose herself. She was startled when she shut the door and turned around. Daryl was standing there, waiting for her. "Oh God, you scared me," she whispered, her body trembling from the adrenaline rush.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I, uh… couldn't leave without saying bye…" Daryl spoke soft and shyly. "Not after…" He let his words trail off because she knew exactly what he was referring to. He was upset with her for not saying goodbye when she left Alexandria - he couldn't do the same to her.
"Will you be back?" Carol blurted out. She had to know. Was this goodbye forever?
"I don't know," he said quietly. Her heart sunk. She desperately wanted him to say yes. Carol looked at the floor but when she looked up he was right in front of her. "Just one more thing I gotta do…" Before she even realized what was happening Daryl's lips were on hers. It was so unexpected she gasped. The gasp left her lips parted and he took advantage of that, slipping his tongue into her mouth. Carol felt her heart start to pound in her chest, beating wildly and her knees grew weak as Daryl continued to kiss her. She placed her hands lightly on his chest and could feel his heart hammering just like her own. He touched the small of her back and pulled her closer, almost possessively.
She had wondered many times what it would be like to kiss Daryl, but this was much different than she had ever envisioned. It was sweet yet passionate. It was… the first kiss from a man she was absolutely, 100% certain she was in love with. And that made it the best kiss of her life. Carol had no idea how much better something as simple as a kiss could be because of the way you felt about the person.
Carol heard herself whimper as Daryl's tongue glided over hers. She didn't want this moment to end - ever. But it had to… people were waiting for him. When he finally pulled back she was overwhelmed with sadness. Would that be the only time they ever kissed? Was he leaving and never coming back? Before he moved too far away and she lost the chance Carol laid her head on his chest and hugged him tightly. Instantly Daryl hugged her back. "Please come back," she whispered. "Please…"
Daryl let her go and took a step back. "Will ya make more of those cookies?"
Carol was so relieved she started to laugh and cry at the same time. "I'll make them every day if that's what it takes."
"Deal," Daryl said, with one of his little shy smiles. "Bye," he added, meeting her eyes one last time. As he walked by her to go out the door he brushed her arm and those same volts of electricity shot through her body.
"Bye," Carol whispered, watching the door close behind him. She ran to the window and watched him leave. It was the most bittersweet feeling she had ever felt. He was leaving - and he was taking her heart with him. But he would bring it back - she was sure of it. They still had so much to work through, but finally… finally they had somewhere to start.
Fuck, Carol thought, it's going to be the longest week ever!