I am surprised that Ma found the time to go with us to the fair and that she doesn't let slip any snarky comment about me and Maura. I can feel her eyes on me when we are alone and I got to bite back a growl by stuffing a bit off Nick's blue cotton candy into my mouth.

"Hey," he whines and glares up at me.

I hear my mother chuckle and I have to smile myself because of his reaction. Haley is the one who always name the trees, flowers and birds. I think that's something she got from Maura because Haley's eyes are just as excited like Maura's when she is explaining something to us.

"Maura left the house in a hurry last night after she got a call." Ma says all of a sudden and I tense up. "Did you catch a new chase?"

I decide to avert her eyes and shake my head. "No, we didn't. And even though we did, you should know by now that I can't talk about ongoing cases to anyone."

"I am not anyone, Jane." Ma retorts and slows her steps. "I am your mother."

I can't suppress the urge to roll my eyes and furrow my brows. "You know what I mean, Ma. And of course you are not anyone."

Ma smiles up at me and places her sunglasses on Haley's nose because she whines that she left hers in the car and that the sun is blinding her. "Well, it must've been an emergency, because she, Andy and I were about to have a late dinner. Is Constance okay?"

"As far as I know," I grumble and steal another piece from my son's cotton candy. I catch his look and ruffle his hair. "Relax, I buy you a new one."

"Maura would not approve that." My mother says but is smiling.

"Maura is not here." I reply emphatically and sigh. I know why she is mention my ex-wife all the time. She is trying to figure out if I know where Maura went last night. Well, I do know it, but that doesn't mean that needs to know too. "Can we talk about something else?"

"No." She shoots back and has a final tone in her voice.

I blink a couple of times and heave a sigh. After I screwed once again up this morning I just want to distract me with a nice afternoon with the rest of my family. When I am alone I can deal with how much I hurt Maura once again this morning.

"Jane, what's wrong," Ma asks and I can feel that she is staring at me.

I have to swallow down the lump in my throat and shake my head. If I tell her that Maura and I end up in bed last night and that we fought this morning, she'll be really mad at me. I frown when I have a small hand in my own and look into inquisitive hazel eyes. I force the upcoming tears back because I have to be strong for either of my kids now, I can let my tears flow when they are in bed later. I smile down at her and sigh once again.

"Mommy makes breakfast for us tomorrow too." Haley asks and I clenched my teeth as I see the hope in her eyes.

God damn it, what have we done? What have we been thinking? Of course Nick and Haley would get high hopes and then we destroyed them once more as we started to fight and Maura hurried out. I can feel that my mother questioningly eyes are glued to my head and I am sure that she is going to ask all kind of questions. "No," I answer and the hope in Haley's eyes vanish. "No, I'm afraid not, Haley."

Her chin starts to quiver and Nick let his head hang and I hate myself for shattering their hopes. I scoop her up in my arms and start to rub her back as she buries her face in the crook of my neck. "I know, honey." I whisper and warn Ma with my eyes as she is about to open her mouth. "I know, Haley, and I am so sorry." I glare at Ma and know that the day at the fair is over because Nick also has tears in his eyes and doesn't seem to be in the mood to be here for any longer.

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I sit down at the kitchen counter after I asked my neighbor Celia Juarez if it would be okay if Haley and Nick spend some time with her own children. She is a single mother too and agreed to that without thinking about it twice. I did so because I am sure that Ma's going to yell at me and perhaps using some words that are not meant to be heard by a four-year old and a seven-year old. I take a deep breath as she shoves a cup of tea towards me and avert her eyes. "Thank you." I almost whisper.

She gives me a moment before she asks, "So, Maura spent the night here?"

I lick my lips and nod slowly. She didn't just spend the night here, she spent the night in my bed. "Yeah."

"And why did you pretend that you don't know where Maura went to?"

"Because …. I don't know."

Ma is pours silently hot water into her mug and seems to consider how to broach the subject. "Happened more than just a sleepover?"

I purse my lips and hate that she can read me like an open book. Only two person can do that: Maura and Ma.

"Oh, Jane." Ma groans and throws her hands up over her head as I don't answer her question.

My eyes shoot up to hers and I frown a little. What the hell? I haven't said a word yet and she seems to know already that more happened last night than just wishing good night and laying in separated rooms. I think that my face is as bright as a fire truck because she places an hand on my arm. "It wasn't planned, Ma. We were laying in front of the TV and Haley and Nick were sleeping next to us and -"

"Please tell me that nothing happened while the two of you were in the same room with my grandchildren." Ma cuts me off.

"What," I ask with an high-pitched voice and swallow hard. "Well, not much happened. I mean, Maura and I didn't have had sex while Nick and Haley laid next to us. We kissed, that's all."

"Maybe one of them caught you doing so." Ma objects and raises her brows.

"Nah, they were dead to the world." I state and sip the tea, running an hand through my hair.

"Like you never pretended to be fast asleep when you was a child." She shoot back and quirks an eyebrow .

I freeze as I am about to put the mug to my lips and blink a couple of times. My mother is right, not only once I pretended to be asleep as a child, especially when I didn't want to much attention from my family. "However," I say and clear my throat. "Maura made breakfast for the kids and when I got up she didn't look at me and acted like I forced myself on her and I lost my temper."

"You fought."

"Yeah."

She is silent for a couple of seconds and sighs. "Why did you sleep with Maura even though you know that she is in a relationship?"

"Why am I the bad guy in all of this," I growl and I can feel the anger bubble in the pit of my stomach. "I mean, I didn't force her to sleep with me or to cheat on Andy. She made this decision as well, I always -"

"She still loves you, Jane." Ma cuts me off and my mouth hangs open. "Maura is still in love with you."

"Bullshit," I mumble into my mug. "If she'd still in love me why being with such a knucklehead like Andy."

"Because she was sick of sitting alone at home and cry every single night, Jane." She replies and I start to chew nod the inside of my cheek. "She was waiting for you over a year and hoped that you would come back to senses and see that you see that your family needs you. Maura would've welcome you with open arms, but with time she realized that you probably won't come home anymore and then she started to date Andrew."

I don't know what I should think about it and am silent for now. I am glad that I asked Celia to look after my kids for now because I can't hold my tears back now. My shoulders start to shake and I let my head hang down so I can use my hair to shield my face. It wouldn't be the first time that my mother sees my crying and I am sure that it won't be the last time, but right now I don't want to hear comfortable words or feel soothing touches of Ma. I created this mess and I don't deserve those things, I don't want to feel this kind of pain but I deserve it. It doesn't matter what I want and what I don't want. Perhaps that's why Maura was so aloof this morning, perhaps when I came into my kitchen she was dealing with the whole situation herself and I, the clumsy oaf, once again ruined everything because I misinterpreted Maura's behavior.

You should think that I know Maura Isles better than myself, and once it was right. I knew her better than myself, but this time seems to be long gone.

"You still love her too, don't you," Ma asks now and rounds the corner.

I see the movement in the corner of my eye and jump up from the chair, wiping angrily my face. "Of course I still love Maura, Ma."

"So why did you leave her?" She asks and steps closer.

I wipe my nose with the back of the hand and place it on my hip. "Because … because I didn't want to drag Maura and the kids into the abyss I was facing in that time." I say and know that I have to explain a lot of things to a lot of people, most likely to myself too. I don't even know where to start. I clap my hand over my mouth and close my eyes and hate the tear that's rolling down my cheek without my permission. "I saw too many times what people can do to each other, Ma. And sometimes … and sometimes I am thinking that neither Maura nor me knew what we do as we decided to start a family. That it was a mistake that we got married."

"Why are you saying that?"

"Because Maura, Haley and Nick are my Achilles' heel, Ma." I say a little louder and start to worry my bottom lip. "Most of the times I had a close shave because I was able to put all my feelings into a little box. No, I stuffed them into a box and looked it away, that's why I was able to put that mask on."

"You mean your protective walls." Ma retorts and leans against the counter. She waits so I can chose my words wisely.

"Every time a child end up dead on one of Maura's table, Ma, I see Nick's or Haley's face." I say feebly and I have to force my lungs to draw in some air. Saying those thoughts out loud make them all to real. "I wouldn't survive it if something happens to them because of me."

Ma nods slowly and let the words sink in before she opens her mouth again, "So, you rather hurt and leave Maura and your kids before someone's after their blood because of you?"

I nod slowly and am about to say something as my mother smack the back of my head. I didn't noticed that she came closer to me and wince surprised. "Hey! What was that for?"

"For you being an idiot." Ma says louder and is about to repeat her action, but I duck away just in time. "Did the thought ever cross you mind that whoever wants to get to you is going after Maura, Haley or Nick? This person isn't going to care about your family status. Your Family might is your Achilles' heel, but in the same time they are your greatest strength, Janie." She holds up an hand when I am about to protest. "All these things you did for Maura, I mean before the two of you stared to date. You did those things because you already loved Maura back then without knowing. Perhaps you didn't see the two of you as future lovers but you cared a lot about her and tried to keep her save and you always succeeded. You always have been on time to save her and bring her back home, and she did the same for you. As far as I know, neither of you would rest until you are back home in one piece." She steps into my personal space and tap with the tip of her fingers against the spot over my heart. "Do you know hey you are working so well together," she asks and I shake my head a little, not trusting my voice. "Because you may think that you are different in so many ways, but you are not different at all. Either of you have the biggest and kindest hearts a human being can have." Ma smiles as she sees my skeptical look. "You have. Either of you put others lives before their own, Jane, and don't you dare arguing with me about that. All too often have I been sitting at home and worried about how the two of you are doing."

I chuckle and wiggle my brows. "Okay, I won't."

"Good." She says with a smile and takes a deep breath. "Go on a picnic with Maura and the kids."

I roll my eyes and take my mug to the sink. "One picnic won't fix anything."

She starts to search my cabinets for something that is stronger than tea or beer. "No, it won't, baby. But it will show Maura that you still care about her and when you feel the need to push her away again, swallow your pride, for the sake of Nick and Haley."

I open the cabinet next to the exhaust hood and take a bottle of whisky out of it. "Nick and Haley can handle the situation very well."

"That's why they always ask me why you and Mommy can't be together." Ma counter and I stop dead in my tracks.

"What?" I croak.

She fills the glass with two fingers of the liquid and hands me one. "They might seem to be little but they notice what is going on, they understand what's going on."

"We don't sway them, Ma."

"That's what you think, Jane."

"What do you mean?"

My mother takes a swig of her drink and sighs. "Jane, how long did it take for you and Frankie to take a side after your father left me?"

"Dad left you for no reason, he left you because of a damn midlife cri -" I say low and trail off and lower my eyebrows. "You can't compare that with Maura and me. I am no plumber and I never said things to my children that I can't take back while I was drunk. They don't have to take a side, just like you."

Ma sighs now and frowns. "Does Nick and Haley know that?"

"Of course they do."

"And why is Nick and Haley sad when I bring you up at Maura's?"

I can't come up with an answer right away and frown a little. I know that a separation of parents always wrecked children, especially when they're too young to understand what is really going on.

My mother shrugs and empties her glass. "Maybe you should go and talk to Maura."

"And what am I supposed to tell her, if she's going to talk to me ever again?" I ask her and refill my own glass.

She's looking long at me and purse her lips for a moment. "The naked truth. Why everything went down the drain. And maybe Maura will understand why you did what you did."

"Or she'll bring me to a psych ward." I grumble.

Now, she glares at me and swats my arm. "You have to talk to Maura, Jane. Your father and I talked a lot, but we never really talked. You and Maura are meant for each other, Jane. Ask her to have a thorough talk and if she is willed to give you another chance."

I choke on my drink and furrow my brows. "Ma, Maura gave me more than once another chance. I'm sure that she's sick of it."

"You won't if you don't go and talk to her." Ma replies and grabs the bottle from my hand that I didn't know I was still holding. "Do you really want to watch how Maura gets herself completely unhappy and eventually get married to Andy?"

I have to smile a little and take a deep breath. I start to roll the glass between my hands, but as my brain starts to understand what my mother just said and my mouth drops open. "What? Is he going to pop the question?"

Ma turns the corners of her mouth downward and shrugs. "I'm sure he will at some point."

I clench my teeth and swallow down the lump in my throat. The thought of Maura accepting this guy in her life is already a lot to take, but thinking of him popping the question makes me really sick. "I'll try to talk to her."

"Not tonight," she replies and wiggles her brows. "I know that Maura has a day off tomorrow and Andy won't be there. I can watch my grandkids for a couple of hours."

I roll my eyes but smile, taking a sip of my drink. "Thanks, Ma." I say and my smile drops at the thought that I am probably the last person to whom Maura currently wants to talk to. I down the liquid and refill the glass one last time. I do feel like get tight tonight, but I know that my children are waiting for me at my neighbor's apartment and I don't want them to see me in a drunken state. I huff and shake my head before I down my last drink of the night.