"So I assume it is Tom´s child?" Red´s question burned inside her brain. He assumed?
As far as she knew Raymond Reddington never assumes anything when it comes to her?
He couldn´t knew about this, could he? On the other hand he was still Red. And even if he said he would respect her privacy this man knew more about her than herself. And Liz was also aware of the hate he felt for Tom.
"Red..." she started but shut her mouth the next second. In a split second she decided to tell him the truth. It was the least she could do, because in a way he had protected her and her baby and even if Red was not honest with her all the time, she was sure it was the right thing to do and he deserved to know.
"Red, what I am about to tell you now, can´t leave this room. Probably never. Please. I can understand if you .. well if you don´t like the news but it .. it´s important for my child. But you deserve to know and I... I need your help to protect the baby … and the father... please help me to protect Ressler." And with that tears started to roll down her cheeks. For weeks she kept that secret deep in her heart and avoided to think about it most of the time. She only had admitted to herself but speaking it out loud made it … real. She was having Ressler´s child and he could never know. She opened her eyes and looked at Red. He hadn´t said a single thing which was surprising. This man barely kept his mouth shut.
"This just keeps getting better" he finally said. What?
"Lizzie you are aware of the fact that this is the worst timing ever? The Cabal is still out there and they won´t stop just because you are expecting a baby. Ressler being the father just makes it more complicated. Is he aware of the situation. No he isn´t I wouldn´t be sitting here if he were. Does Tom know?" When Red realized she was crying he knelt before her. "Lizzie, dear stop the crying. But you need to tell me everything. Why do I need to protect Agent Ressler?"
Mascara running down her cheeks she tried to get her emotions in order. Why was this so much scarier than some goddamn cabal. "Because of me" she said finally. "Remember a year ago, after Tom beat me up and I wanted more information than you gave me? Well I, I once helped Meera with a thing or two and she gave me some contacts who according to her are experts in finding things and people, even better than you – no offense- when you pay the right amount of money."
"I was so angry at you because of the thing with Sam so I contacted a few. What I didn´t knew was, that Tom had somehow found a way to observe me the whole time, contacted the people first and obviously paid the better money so they betrayed me and I ended up with Tom pointing a gun at my head. After I shot him and brought him to this damn boat I located the only contact who was not corrupted by Tom simply because he was even better at hiding than finding things and not even Tom was able to contact him."
A little bit of pride swung in Liz voice when she said that.
"Then Tom murdered the poor man on the ship and when I let him go his contacts where back on track, followed me all the time without me noticing a thing. I was so stupid and naive and well then there was my birthday. You told me to imagine a life without Tom and I did."
She closed her eyes when the memories of that evening with Ressler flooded back into her mind. She thought of the wine and the food, the shared laughter and feelings. Somehow they had ended up on the desk in their bureau his hands in her hair and lips furiously dancing with each other. Due to the wine both of them had drunk they thought it would be the best to take a taxi. But they couldn´t keep their hands of each other there was too much of held back feelings and they ended up in his apartment, clothes all over the floor and tangled up in his bed.
She woke up when the sun was falling trough the window and gave Resslers hair a golden look.
He was still fast asleep holding her in his arms and she couldn´t help but wonder if he would regret it as soon as he woke up. Not even a minute later he was awake, realizing who was lying next to him and smiled. Something she had missed on his face for a long time and she couldn´t help and smiled back. "Good morning" he had said, had kissed her on her forehead and she almost melted when she looked into his eyes. Over the best breakfast both them had in a long time, they decided to take things slowly and keep it professional.
Red who was watching her carefully noticed how even the thought of this memory calmed her down immediately and didn´t fail to notice the small smile on her face. And in the end that was all he wanted for her.
Liz continued to talk. "Tom´s contacts had observed us the whole time." She shook her head. "Do you remember the cameras installed in my home? When I was in Resslers apartment I noticed at least one. I- I didn´t told him. I called my contact to look for more while we were in the Post Office. He found five. Two of them in his bedroom. Then when you got shot, Tom contacted me. He said he didn´t want to do this but I would leave him no other choice. If I wouldn´t tell Ressler it was a mistake we slept together, he would have to start to make things right. Call me stupid or childish but I told Tom to go to hell and that I wouldn´t to a damn thing he said. And then the whole thing with the cabal started and when I was framed I knew it was Toms work. He wanted me back and this is his way to show it. He is the cabal or at least he is working for them. My only advantage was and is that he he isn´t aware of the fact that I know about everything. To this time I was already … well I knew already I was pregnant but I realized that if Tom ever found out he would kill Ressler or the baby so I slept with Tom ... told him I still loved him. I didn´t want to but it was my only chance and now Tom thinks he is the father. And he won´t hurt me or the baby because he thinks he is in love with me and we would have a chance."
At this point Red stopped her. "Thinks?" He asked. "Well I am … I was a profiler and let´s just say it like that. He is not capable of stable relationships. He has a personality disorder and is all sorts of fucked up. He is not able to be a father or a husband. He needs help. And I know what I am doing is neither right nor fair and doesn´t make me a better person than him. But I am not able to keep this secret forever. When the baby is born I have no doubt he will find out it is not his. And he will make sure to get Ress out of his way. He thinks if he kills Ressler I would come back to him.
That´s why I accepted Tom back in my life. Why I accepted his proposal and why I am trying to keep my distance to Ress because all I brought into his life up until this point is chaos and destruction. He doesn´t deserve any of it. But I can´t tell him it is his baby. He would do everything to protect us but the Cabal will kill him. I can´t let that happen. I can´t lose him.
That´s why I need your help Red."
Red looked her in the eyes. "Thank you for telling me all that. I can´t imagine your pain and I am very sorry for the circumstances you are currently living in. But you need to tell Agent Ressler the truth. You told me he is a good man and I have convinced myself of that, too.
He is worthy of raising that child. He deserves to know he is becoming a father, don´t you think?"
"No, Red … I can´t do that. He … I don´t even know what he thinks of me. First I sleep with him and now I am back with Tom? He thinks I used him. He thinks it is Tom´s child. I can not tell him. He probably doesn´t even wants to be with me and I don´t think he wants to become the father of a criminal´s baby."
"Lizzie, darling even a blind can see what he feels. And he sure as hell wants to be a father.
Sooner or later you have to tell him because when your child comes out with ginger hair you gotta explain a thing or two. Don´t do this to him.
If you want to make this right by him you will tell him the truth."
With that he gripped his fedora and left her bureau.
And for one bittersweet minute she allowed herself to daydream. Waking up next to him every morning while their little baby girl was already wide awake in her crib, giggling and brabbling.
A single tear rolled down her cheek. What had she done.