Hi everyone and Happy Easter! A lot has happened to me since my last post but the most important one is that I am finally able to open my own business. : ) However, it is taking up a lot of my time and… I think… is contributing to my recent bout of writers block. Sigh. That being said I am posting my revamped version of The Dream… well… okay…. I have spilt it into two chapters to give me time to get back into the groove of writing. I hope! No… I WILL continue until this story is complete! PROMISE!
Now this chapter was always meant to be the motivation for Katniss to finally go into the woods with Gale. I knew that Prim would be the one to get her to go and I knew this from the beginning of my story. And it would not leave me alone so I wrote The Dream one shot and posted it to see what people thought of my writing. Since it only received three reviews… well I didn't let that stop me and kept writing the rest of the story, which is now at the point where The Dream fits back into it. Oh, for you that have read and fav'ed and followed me and the old version…. THANK YOU SO MUCH! You actually kept me writing the story! This new version is… well…. It went from 4,700 words to almost 15,000… a lot more!
Thank you to all who have favorite and followed my story and who have favorite or followed me… WOW! Each one keeps me wanting to improve with each chapter!
Thank you again to all of you that take the time out of your busy lives to read and review my story and I am truly grateful and humbled by your wonderful comments. They do keep me going!
Cas, as always thank you for taking time out of your crazy busy school schedule to proof my story for me! Hang in there you only have a few days left before your really long summer break!
Wolfskin, Oh, I am so up to coffee with SC. She will never know what hit her… wink… wink!
This story and these characters do not belong to me cause if they did it would have ended with Gale and Katniss together! Anyway they belong to SC and I thank her for loaning them to me for a while!
CHAPTER 10: THE DREAM
Katniss snuggled back into the soft comfy cushions as she settled into a restful sleep for the first time in a very long time. The lines of worry and grief that had begun etching themselves onto her face the morning of Prim's first reaping began to soften and fade with each refreshingly calm breath she breathed slowly in and out. As her mind relaxed from the tortures of her nightmares her dreams floated toward happier more familiar times with Gale in their woods and the early years of watching Prim grow up. Opening wide all the thoughts, feelings, and memories she had hidden away after the full weight of what it really meant to be a victor had settled it's dark shadow over her life.
Katniss opened her eyes and blinked several times, trying to focus on the flecks of blue that were peeking out through a canopy of green above her. Why was she in the woods? She lay there quietly listening for the noise that had nudged her out of her sleep but all she could hear were the early morning sounds that you would find in the woods when everything was starting to come alive for a new day. She looked over to the other side of the campfire where Gale should have been sleeping but he wasn't there... nothing was there. No Gale, no blankets, no supplies. There was no evidence of anyone else having ever been here with her. She sat up and looked around the campsite but there was nothing familiar in her surroundings either. How did she get out here? She couldn't remember. Did Gale bring her out here? But would he have just left her here by herself? She knew that they'd had words and she had said some terrible things to him but she never thought he would just leave her... he had said he would never leave her. He had said that he had always been here and would always be here for her. She took a deep breath and tried to quiet her racing thoughts while she reasoned with herself but the panic in the center of her chest continued to grow and started to spread throughout her body like wildfire.
She tentatively called out, "Gale? Gale?" And then louder, "GALE!" She got up on her knees and looked around trying to get her bearings by finding something familiar. 'He wouldn't leave me. He's always had my back. He wouldn't leave me... would he?' The more she argued with herself the tighter her chest squeezed and the tighter her chest squeezed, the more air she tried to suck into her lungs.
She pushed herself up to her feet as she continued to breathe hard and fast and spun around looking for any signs of Gale or something… anything she could recognize. A wave of dizziness engulfed her as her world spun around and around causing her to crash back down to the hard green earth with a loud, "oomph!" She drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her trembling arms tightly around her legs, trying to hold herself together. As she rested her sweating brow on her knees she spoke quietly to herself, "Okay. Just calm down and think Katniss. THINK."
She sat in this position for a long while, trying to focus her attention on quieting her breathing and listening to her surroundings. As her breathing became more natural and her thoughts became clearer she began to sort through things looking for answers. "Okay what woke me up?" She started at the beginning, "There was a noise." She crinkled her brow and tried to focus on that one clue, "It was… something familiar." As her heart began to ache she realized that the noise felt like something she had been missing… missing so badly that it hurt to remember.
She suddenly sat up straight, frozen in place, her ears alert, her breath catching in her throat, every nerve in her body tingling, every hair on her arms standing on end because she had heard that familiar noise again. 'No,' she thought, 'that can't be. Can it?' She had heard someone calling her name. But it wasn't just someone it sounded like… Prim?! Katniss bolted to her feet and spun around again, this time looking for a part of her heart she thought she had lost forever. "PRIM! PRIM! WHERE ARE YOU?" Katniss screamed over and over. "PRIM! TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE!"
A far away but familiar voice responded, "I'm over here Katniss. Over here!" Katniss's heart jumped into her throat as she turned in the direction of that familiar sound and started running. She bound over logs and crashed through bushes, running blindly and not caring if thorns tore at her clothes and scratched at her arms and face causing her to bleed. She just needed to find Prim and take her into her arms and never let her go again. If it was Prim… but how could it be? She really didn't care at this point though and just kept running, only slowing long enough to call out Prim's name over and over so that she could keep her bearings on the direction of her little sister.
Prim would answer, "Here Katniss... over here."
Katniss finally burst through a thick layer of underbrush and out into a small clearing that was covered in a dense smoky mist. Katniss scanned around the clearing as she moved toward the center while calling out between gasps for air, "PRIM! PRIM? Are you here?"
As she neared the center of the clearing, the smoky mist began to swirl around and around, slowly lifting to reveal her little sister. Prim stood there wearing the same white blouse that was untucked in the back, just like always—this brought an involuntary smile to Katniss's chapped lips—and the same dark brown skirt she wore that day of her first reaping. Prim smiled sweetly at her big sister, "here I am Katniss."
Katniss stood frozen in her tracks, staring at her little sister as shock and disbelief warred inside her mind. How could this be? Her little sister was here... standing right in front of her, smiling that smile she only shared with her and wearing her little duck tail proudly. She wrestled with her thoughts for a few more fleeting moments then launched herself at her little sister, hugging her so tightly against her heart that Prim finally gasped out, "Katniss. I. Can't breath."
Katniss fell to her knees in front of Prim, grabbing her face in both of her hands and looked into her beautiful clear blue eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Then she moved on, examining Prim from head to toe, checking to see if she was okay and trying to see if Prim was real and that she hadn't finally gone crazy from her agonizing grief that she had been trapped in for so long. Prim wiggled and giggled and squirmed until she finally squeaked out, "Stop... you're... tickling me!" Katniss finally stopped looking her over, satisfied that she was okay and that she felt… real and solid, not like a dream or a figment of her imagination. She knelt there holding both of Prim's hands as her eyes shone with tears and confusion.
"I have missed you Katniss," Prim said softly.
"I have missed you so much little duck and I am so sorry. I tried to get to you," Katniss exclaimed through tears. "But I," as she hung her head in shame she voiced her biggest failure, "I… didn't." Her tears fell to the ground and her growing confusion wrestled within her heart as she stammered out, "I don't understand... you were... there was... bomb ... so much… fire... you were… gone."
Prim reached out and took Katniss's face gently within her hands, tilting her chin up so that loving blue eyes could look into despairing grey ones, "Shhhhh…. I know. It's okay. Really it is." Her soft breath blew across Katniss's face, calming her trembling heart. Prim smiled sweetly, "Come and sit with me for awhile."
She took Katniss by the hand and helped her to her feet, guiding her over to a log on the far side of the clearing where she had a pot of rabbit stew cooking over a campfire. Prim stooped down and stirred the stew, sending up a mouth-watering aroma from the simmering concoction which caused Katniss's stomach to send her a loud rumbling reminder that she hadn't been eating much lately. Prim turned around and folded her arms across her chest and gave Katniss a bemused look while she looked her over from head to toe. Finally she shook her head and smiled at Katniss and sat down on the log, patting the spot next to her indicating that Katniss should join her.
Prim reached into her bag that was sitting next to the log and took out some clean white cloths and a bowl that she filled with hot water from a pan that was heating beside the fire. She began to tenderly wash all of the cuts and scraps on Katniss's arms and face and then applied healing ointment to each one. Katniss smiled inside and the knots in her chest started to loosen knowing this was typical Prim behavior—to go into doctor mode whenever someone around her was hurt.
Katniss sat completely still on the log next to Prim and watched every move she made, afraid to take her eyes off of her or even to blink thinking that if she did then Prim might disappear. Because this couldn't be real... could it? Was she still asleep and this was all happening inside of her mind? But she really didn't care because Prim was right here in front of her and she was never going to let her go again. Never!
When she was done cleaning and doctoring her sister's wounds, Prim held Katniss's hand between both of her smaller ones and looked directly into her eyes. She smiled and softly said, "I'm only here for a short time Katniss." Katniss opened her mouth to protest but Prim held up her hand to stop her and stated, "I have come to help you understand and sort out everything that you won't let yourself feel."
"I know you don't like this talking stuff," she smirked, "but there are things we need to discuss for you to be able to move on." Katniss opened her mouth to protest. "Okay," Prim rushed on before Katniss could interrupt her, "first, we need to start with family. I know family has always been important to you and I know that you and Mom have not had the best relationship since Daddy died."
"Prim how... " Katniss started to say.
"No Katniss, we need to talk about this now," Prim stated firmly. "You have always felt that Mom let you down and me too. That she should have stepped up and helped to take care of us."
Katniss turned her head and looked into the fire assuming a 'I don't want to hear this crap' attitude. "She should have been there to take care of you Prim," Katniss said with memories of hurt and disappointment edging her voice. "She should have been the mother you needed after Dad died… but she wasn't there."
Prim reached out and gently turned Katniss's face so they were looking at one another again and also so she could better convey her point. "She should have been there for YOU Katniss," Prim spoke with authority and conviction, "she should have been there to help YOU with all the responsibilities of ensuring the survival of our family." Hoping to help Katniss understand the similarities between mother and daughter she stated, " But I think you know what she was going through now. Right?"
Katniss just looked at Prim with that stubborn tilt of her head that Prim knew all to well and hissed, "How would I know what she was going through, she didn't talk... she barely ate. You had to take care of her most of the time. She just checked out on YOU!" Her stubbornness flared and grew with each word she spat out.
"I know Katniss," Prim sighed, trying to think of a different angle to approach this impasse. "Okay. When you were in District 13... you became the one thing you hated most about Mom." Katniss stiffened and her eyes took on a steal glint. Prim hurried on, "You hid from everyone and everything and after," Prim softened her voice and touched Katniss's face, "what happened in the square…" she paused, making sure that Katniss could go on, "you locked yourself away not dealing with anything, not eating, not taking care of yourself. Not even caring whether you lived or died." Prim leaned her face down closer to her sister's for emphasis, "Can't you see that Mom felt that same way after Daddy died because he was the one who kept her strong?" Prim sighed, "they were like two halves to the same whole and without him she was utterly lost."
Katniss's eyes flashed and her voice was laced with anger, "all I know is she wasn't there for YOU. She wasn't there to help... YOU."
Prim's eyes flashed back as she firmly countered, "NO! Katniss! You mean she wasn't there for YOU. She let YOU down and you feel she has done it again. She didn't come home to Twelve like she should have. Right? Just like you WANTED her to do! Like you NEEDED her to do! Right?"
Katniss stared into Prim's icy blue eyes and knew in her heart the truth in her words. After several long stubborn moments, Katniss's shoulders drooped and she grudgingly acknowledged the painful truth. "Yes... YES... she should have been there for ME after Dad died. She should have helped ME take care of you… take care of us. She should have come home with ME. But she didn't... WHY?" Katniss turned her liquid grey eyes to Prim and through the tears rolling down her face she asked, "Why didn't she come home with me?" As her face distorted from the anguish and hurt she had felt for years, she cried out, "Why didn't she take care of me when I needed her most?"
Prim's heart ached for the hurt and wrongs that her big sister had silently endured for so long and as she grabbed Katniss's hand and tried to help her understand, "She just needed time to deal with everything Katniss." Prim reached out and tenderly brushed tears from Katniss's cheek. "You,"—as a little twinkle lit Prim's eyes she smiled, - "have always been so strong and determined and you have always hated her for her weakness." Prim took a deep breath and organized her next words, "She knew she needed to be strong for you this time and she knew coming back home would bring back memories of Daddy and me. And I don't think she felt like she could do it." Prim could see that Katniss was listening to what she was trying to help her understand.
She smiled proudly inside knowing her big sister always took the time to hear what she had to say. "She didn't want to fall apart and not be able to be there for you again. I think she felt she could help you better from where she is now. YOU just need to reach out to her and call her… talk to her. The two of you need to try and heal together and become a family again. Because in the end Katniss she is your mother and she does love you and you only have each other."
Katniss drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms tightly around them and stared into the fire as she mulled over Prim's words. Maybe Prim was right and her mother was trying to help her the best way she could. Because she knew that coming home would mean she would have to deal with both the overwhelming grief of losing her baby girl and the painful memories of her dead husband she had chosen to live alone in a strange district, focusing on her work at the hospital and trying her best to stay strong and not check out again.
Katniss reached up and rubbed her eyes and sighed knowing it was true that she did hate her mother for her weakness and in many way, her face flushed with shame as she recognized the very same weakness in herself from when Prim had died that had overwhelmed her mother when her father was killed in the mine. She began to slowly acknowledge deep inside herself that she had been terribly hard on her mother all these years and had let her hurt, anger, and stubbornness prevent her from understanding the all consuming grief her mother was fighting her way through.
Maybe... it was up to herself to find a way to forgive her mother and bridge the gap that was created when her dad died. Maybe... they could become a family again. Maybe? Hope flickered in her heart and started to glow.
Prim watched as different emotions played across her sister's face and waited patiently for Katniss to process the things that they had discussed so far. When she was satisfied that Katniss was ready to move on she reached out and touched her hand to get her attention.
Prim took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders and organizing her thoughts because she knew this next part was going to be much more difficult to sort out, "Now we need to talk about your choice. A choice that people and circumstances took away from you before."
Katniss reached over and brushed her hand over Prim's arm, checking to make sure she was… real. She looked up from Prim's arm with confusion coloring her face and questioned, "What do you mean my choice?"
"You have the power to make your own choice now Katniss. You get to decide whom you really love and whether you love them for all the right reasons. You have to remember that now there are no more cameras recording your every word and your every move. And there are no more crowds to please or Snow to convince that you're in love in order to protect us."
Prim urged her, "You need to think back to what you really felt before you left for the games and after you came home and not what you pretended or were forced to feel for the cameras."
Katniss's face was still scrunched up with confusion so Prim took a deep breath searching quickly for a way to push her sister into retracing her memories. "Okay, I have a few questions that I think will help get you started: One, did you really love Peeta during the first Game? Two, did you really want to marry him? And three, did you really mean what you said on the beach in the Quarter Quell?"
Stunned, Katniss sat up straight and closed her eyes then turned back to the fire as the meaning behind Prim's words hit her square in the gut. She really hadn't thought about the whole star-crossed lover situation—not with everything that had happened since Prim's… Katniss shook her head and let out the air she hadn't realized she was holding then she opened her eyes and stared at the loose dirt around the fire pit. Absentmindedly she started moving the dirt into small piles with the toe of her boot. Prim was right, she was free to make her own choice now and there wasn't anyone she had to convince… not anymore. She laid her arm across Prim's knee and looked into the flames. Slowly feelings and thoughts and pieces of her memories became clearer in the depths of the fire.
Did she love Peeta during that first Game? It felt almost like a betrayal to think it but she knew the answer was no. Really, she hardly knew him. She had seen him around school a few times and on occasion at the bakery when Gale and her would trade with his father but they had never talked to one another. She had gone to find Peeta during the rule change because she owed him.
Back when her father had died and her mother had checked out she had been forced to step up and fend for her family. She blinked and looked deeper into the flames seeing a starving and frightened young girl with no hope and a pile of dirty old baby clothes that no one wanted to buy, slumped against a tree in the pouring rain, wondering how she was going to be able to go home and face her hungry baby sister with no food. How she was going to be able to listen to her whimper during the night as her hollow stomach growled loudly because she had only water to fill it.
Peeta had tossed a loaf of burnt bread out to her instead of giving it to the hogs and the bread had landed in a mud puddle in the middle of the dirt road. That loaf of bread, with the outside blackened by fire and covered in mud, had fed her and her family for a couple of days and it had given her time to realize that she could go out into the woods and use all the things her father had taught her to survive. As a result she had a debt to repay and she had never taken the time to thank him or repay him for his kindness. But if she could help him survive and they both could go home then they would be even and her debt would be paid.
Besides, she knew that together they stood a better chance of surviving and going home to the people they loved than they did being apart. After all, a ghost of a smile formed on her lips as she thought, she had been a part of a team that secured the survival of two families for over four years.
Katniss knew deep down inside that she had grown to rely on Peeta because he was there and going through the same things she was going through and she was thankful she wasn't facing them alone. A feeling of guilt and shame welled up in her chest as her thoughts tumbled around in her brain. If she was being fair to herself and to Peeta, she knew that their relationship was based on lies and horrific and brutal circumstances. But is it fair, is it right to love someone for those reasons? Did she love him? No. Not during that first Game. Did she love him later? She heaved a deep sigh, she really wasn't sure.
After taking another deep breath to push down the feelings welling up in her chest, she made herself look deeper into the dying fire, trying to understand her jumbled feelings from during that frightening time. Did she agree to marry Peeta because she loved him? She blinked several times causing those memories to come into better focus. She had agreed to marry Peeta because, as Haymitch had told them, there was no going back. The two of them were stuck together because of the lie that was told in the first Game. The Capitol people and everyone in the Districts would always expect them to be the star crossed lovers and the lives that they could have had or dreamed of having were no longer an option. She shivered as an overwhelming feeling of being trapped like a caged animal with no way out washed over her. She remembered thinking that if they got married… maybe that would appease Snow and he would at least leave Gale and her family alone. But as she confessed her honest feelings and thoughts to Peeta towards their dilemma she once again unintentionally hurt his feelings and he had gone off to be by himself… again.
She raised her face and squeezed her eyes shut, remembering how it had felt to constantly be walking a tight rope between trying not to hurt either Peeta or Gale and to satisfy Snow's tyrannical demands. Hurt spread through her chest as she recounted how she had failed miserably at all three. Prim reached over and brushed her hand up and down Katniss's arm, nudging her back to the questions she had asked and the memories attached to each.
The Quarter Quell reading snapped into focus and all the fear, anger, and the sense of losing everything she cherished most came flooding back as tears of frustration dripped down her cheeks. She was going back into the arena and Snow would finally have his revenge on her for what she had done to save them in the first game.
She remembered running blindly out of the house and heading for the fence and the comfort of her woods beyond but as she had neared the fence her engrained habit of slowing to check for the hum of the live barricade caused her to stop when she realized that the fence was on because of the mandatory reading. For one split second she could remember having thought about throwing herself onto the electrified wires and ending this misery. It was the flash of Snow's smug face that turned her away from the fence and her woods and drove her to the only other familiar place she knew—her old house in the Seam.
She'd snuck through the backyards of the Seam knowing every family would be safe inside their homes celebrating and hugging their children with relief because they would all be safe from the reaping this year. She had entered her old home through the back door and went to her room. Crawling onto her old bed, she curled up into a ball and cried out her fear and frustration until she couldn't cry anymore.
As the finality of the announcement settled over her broken mind and spirit, something in her clicked and she began to believe that everyone would be better off without her. That Snow would leave them all alone if she was gone. And then Peeta could become the Mockingjay... after all, he was the one who had a way with words. She never did. Why would anyone want to follow her? So she made up her mind that she would do whatever needed to be done to save Peeta and then she would die, freeing everyone she loved from Snow's tyrannical rage.
Prim continued to watch the questions brush across Katniss's face and knew she needed time to work through all those memories flashing before her eyes. So she settled back and enjoyed these few quiet moments, knowing things would probably get rougher before they were done.
A cool salty breeze blew across her memory as she remembered the night on the beach in the Quarter Quell when Peeta had given her the locket. She had opened it and looked at the faces of her family smiling back at her. A part of her wanted desperately to live for them, to be there to protect Prim and go hunting in their woods with Gale. But she knew deep inside that could never be, that Snow would never allow her to be happy or have the life she really wanted.
So she had whispered a quiet goodbye to them and closed the locket, putting them out of her mind and heart forever. She had to be strong for what she planned to do and she had planned to save Peeta and then die, releasing everyone from Snow's grip.
Then she had turned her full attention on Peeta as he sat there telling her that no one would miss him. Something in her stirred at his sad revelation but was it love or was it pity? Did she feel sorry for him because he seemed to not have anyone in his life? What about his family? She knew his mother wasn't the best person in the world but he had a father who loved him and brothers that would surely miss him. Though truthfully since they had come home from the first Game the only contact he seemed to have with his family was to buy bread at the bakery everyday. This was hard for her to understand because she always put family first and so did Gale.
So she had leaned over and kissed him and told him that she would miss him. Had she really meant it? Yes. She would miss him and if she was really honest with herself she did love him... but was she in love with him? Was it a forever kind of love... the kind of love a woman should have for a man? Or was it the kind of love or bond you feel for someone you've been through hell with? Katniss reached up and rubbed her eyes tiredly. Right now she was confused and wasn't sure she could even trust her own feelings or memories.
Katniss reached down and brushed her fingers through the tall blades of grass pulling out the tallest and thickest then proceeded to tie it into one of the knots Finnick had taught her. After a few moments she began to whisper her confused thoughts out loud, "I'm not sure if I love Peeta for the right reasons." She gave a little smile then continued, "he is a wonderful, kind, and loving boy and any girl should be grateful to have him love her." Katniss paused for several more minutes, trying to connect the real emotions she had felt to each memory and not the one's she had made herself feel to satisfy Snow. "I believe... we have developed a bond... a special bond... that was created by fear and lies and horrible circumstances that we had no control over."
Katniss turned and looked into Prim's calm blue eyes, gaining the strength she needed to remember the truth from that horrific time, "I know in the beginning I was pretending because I had to do whatever I needed to do to come home to you." Her lips turned up into a quick but sad smile. "Then I pretended so that I could convince Snow and protect Gale." Her eyes darkened when she remembered the threat from Snow that Gale could be met with an accident deep down in the mines if she didn't convince him of her love for Peeta. She pushed that memory aside and continued, "But... I think that during that year together we... or I came to rely on him... because I was glad I wasn't alone." She sighed and added, "And no one else could be there with me."
"You mean Gale couldn't be there with you," Prim prompted.
Katniss just nodded and said, "yes."
"Gale has always had your back. He has always made you feel safe," whispered Prim.
"Yes," she admitted as she shrugged her shoulders and raised her eyebrows.
"But you were never really safe when you were with Peeta... were you?" Prim said as she continued to gently probe Katniss with her questions.
Katniss started to feel prickles of fear well up in her chest so she swallowed hard and forced it back down, "No. Not really." Her brow furrowed and she shook her head, "Whenever Peeta and I were together we were always so scared and forced to face things we had no control over." Tears formed in her eyes and slipped down her cheeks, "We,"—'No,'… she thought, 'it was me that Snow hated.'—"I had no control over any part of my life. If I didn't do exactly what Snow wanted he threatened to take from me what I loved the most."
Prim whispered, "he… threatened us... me?"
Katniss turned and looked at Prim, "No. He already knew I would do anything for you." Katniss sighed and turned back to the new blade of grass she had just plucked from the ground. "It was Gale."
Prim smiled inside because she already knew the answer, she just needed Katniss to say it out loud. Prim continued to lead her sister through her most painful memories, "Katniss was there ever a time when you were afraid of Peeta?"
Katniss's face contorted from pain as she thought back to her first meeting with Peeta after Gale had lead the mission and brought him back to her. She reached up and touched her neck, feeling remembered pain as his brutal attacks flashed through her mind. She was barely able to get out her strangled whisper, "yes... after… the hijacking."
Prim gave her a few minutes to process what it had felt like to have the boy whom she might be in love with try to kill her... not just once but twice. "Were there any other times that you were afraid of Peeta?"
Katniss looked confused at first but then her thoughts raced back to the first Game. She organized her memories and started at the beginning… when they were on the train and she was still dealing with the shock over everything that had just happened. How her little sister, who only had her name in the bowl one time, her name was chosen. Katniss pressed her hand over her mouth, stifling a crazy laugh... who would have ever thought that would happen?! After she took a couple deep breaths to settle herself down, she reached over and squeezed Prim's hand to capture some comfort and to make sure she was still there… still real.
And Peeta he was just so... manic… wanting to train... wanting to find Haymitch and get started on what they needed to learn. She blinked her eyes slowly and let all the hurtful and forgotten thoughts take form. 'Really,' she sighed, 'wasn't he playing the game from the very beginning?' Isn't that what Haymitch had said when Peeta had stood at the train window smiling and waving at all the people as the train pulled into the Capitol's Station. Hadn't Haymitch said, "that boy knows how to play this game."
She remembered being wary of him after that. Wary of the growing relationship that he seemed to have with Haymitch and how they would go off together and make decisions without telling her anything. Then afterward, they would tell her that they did it for her benefit or that they were just trying to protect her. But when did she become afraid of him?
Katniss searched her memory for those first few days in the training facility. She had developed her survival skills from years of hunting and gathering in the woods around District Twelve. But Peeta had a different set of survival skills, his words… he had a way of spinning his words to manipulate whatever situation he found himself in. And surprisingly a skill he learned while decorating cakes in the bakery, one he would use in the arena to hide himself in the mud and rocks. Neither made her afraid at the time.
So when had she become afraid… It took her a few moments but now she remembered. Katniss perked up flying through these memories, she became afraid of him after the announcement of the training scores. He had become sullen and quiet after that and then decided to train by himself. Why?
And after his interview when he made the revelation that he had come here with the girl he loved. He had made her look weak in front of the other tributes and the Capitol people. The anger and betrayal she had felt at that time stiffened her back and made her brows cross. She had confronted him and slammed him against the wall, both demanding that he explain himself and showing him that she could take care of herself and was willing to do what she had to do to get home to her family. It was then that she realized he could use his words to manipulate things for his own benefit. Katniss reached up with both hands and rubbed the tension growing in her temples. Did he really love her in the first game or did he just say that he did to get sponsors? Was it all just a schoolboy crush that he used to his advantage? The questions kept tumbling through her mind, making her question things she never really took the time to question before.
And during the actual Games, how did he hook up with the careers? Had he lied to them to save himself and stop Cato from killing him until he helped them find her? Isn't that basically what Cato had said to Clove that night at the base of the willow tree she was hiding in? An electric fear ran up and down her spine, just like it did in the Games, as she remembered more pieces of the puzzle. And what about what he had said when the careers had her pinned up in that tree with no possible way to escape? She rubbed her temples harder and let out a long slow breath. She could go crazy with all these questions, trying to second guess herself. Questions really only Peeta knew the true answer to… she huffed out a loud blast of air… if he could even remember after everything that had happened to him.
Katniss drew in a deep cleansing breath and let it out slowly and began to put her confused questioning thoughts into words, "Yes. During the first game when he… did the things he did… I was afraid of him." She looked straight into Prim's soft blue eyes, "but I can't blame him for the things he did. He wanted to survive just like I did... he wanted to live and go home too." Her eyes took on a steal grey color and her brows creased as she voiced her worst memory, "and when he attacked me after he was hijacked. I can't blame him for that either. It was Snow, not Peeta who was responsible for that..."
Prim nodded her understanding, "okay, so... Peeta changed and did whatever he needed to do to go home. Right?"
"Well... he... " Katniss thought about the talk they had the night before the first game when Peeta had told her how much he didn't want the games to change him. Katniss closed her eyes and let her head droop as she realized for the first time that in reality he had been manipulating and doing things he needed to do to survive from the very beginning. "I… yes," she mumbled softly.
"Katniss." Prim reached down and turned her head so that she could look in her eyes again. "You didn't change during the games. You took care of that little girl Rue just like you always took care of me. You even went to find Peeta after everything else he had done in the arena. Really, the point where you changed… where you compromised everything... " Prim sighed, "is when you went to find him. Then you became caught up in the star crossed lovers lie and had to start pretending so you could survive, so both of you could survive."
Katniss looked up at the blue sky, watching the white clouds drift away as silent tears rolled out the corners of her eyes. She remembered telling Peeta that night that she couldn't afford to think that way; that she needed to do whatever she had to do to survive to go home to her family… to go home to Prim. So survival is what she had focused her energy on, just like she had been doing since her father died. Katniss lowered her gaze and pouted out her lips in pride at Prim's comment. Prim was right, she hadn't changed during the Games. She didn't have to because survival had been her focus for years. "You're right. In many ways I didn't change I just focused on surviving and getting home to take care of my family like I have always done."
Katniss lowered her eyes and stared into the depths of the fire, seeing flashes from the game; the bloodbath, the wall of flames with fire bombs hurtling at her, the careers surrounding the tree, the tracker jackers swarming and killing, and ending with the mutts devouring Cato. Katniss closed her eyes tight and shivered slightly, "you don't understand what it was like to go through everything." She shook her head back and forth, "no, I can't blame him for wanting to survive." She opened her eyes, seeing flashes of Peeta, wild eyed and crazy, calling her a mutt and screaming that he had to kill her to save everyone. She swallowed back the tears and stated, "and we have no real idea of the things he went through when he was captured. Of how damaged he really is and whether he will ever become that same nice, sweet, and innocent boy again."
She paused and thought carefully for a few more moments, "I believe that after the first game," Katniss turned and half smiled at Prim, "he did love me." She shook her head and relinquished, "but I'm not sure I love him the way he wants me to love him. The way he deserves someone to love him. I'm not sure I ever could or if he is the one I truly need."
Prim smiled because this seemed to be going much better than she had anticipated. She knew how stubborn Katniss could be about things but she also knew that no matter how bad things would get, Katniss would always take the time to listen to what she had to say.
Looking around the clearing, Prim noticed that the mist was slowly creeping in around them. She realized her time with Katniss was coming to an end and she still had things she needed to discuss with her. "Okay. Let's talk about Gale.
"I... Gale... it's complicated." Katniss rubbed her forehead and continued to stare into the fire searching for the answers that seemed to be just out of her reach.
Okay... so this is the first half please review and let me know what you think so far. Also, I am trying to push myself to get better as a writer and really tried to add more... descriptive type stuff in this one. Let me know how I'm doing with that and how I can improve!
Make this an awesome week!