So I'm thinking about going through and rearranging all of these chapters in something that more closely resembles chronological order. I'm guessing it's probably a little hard to keep track of when things are happening and such. I have two more chapters that should be ready soon and a third that I'm still struggling with, but am determined to power through it. I also have a good idea of how to end it, but I'm really reluctant to end it. Also, it will be a tear jerker. Just to warn you.
ANYWAY. Would you all like some order to this story?
In the meantime, read, review, and enjoy!
"Tony," Loki's voice says behind him, but the man barely hears him. He's been in a forced work binge because a recent mission left him stuck in a cave after the rock collapsed, trapping him in, and the memories are fighting back like a bitch. Even if he does lay down, he knows he'll only sleep for minutes before he wakes up screaming. So he went down to the lab and stocked up on coffee, and this is where he's been for the last 60 some hours. "Tony," Loki tries again, and there's the start of power in his voice, but nothing that will force Tony to comply.
He decides that Loki probably isn't going to let it go, so he drops the tool and looks up. "What?" he asks, and he hates that he's so open with Loki. Anybody else and his voice would be angry, closed off. But with the god, he just sounds exhausted and vulnerable, and Loki can hear it too. His frown deepens.
"You are exhausted. When did you last sleep?"
"Not long enough ago," Tony sighs and turns back to his projects. Dumm-e brings him over a fresh cup of coffee but Loki intercepts it.
"Tony, you must-"
"Don't," Tony says, and god, his voice breaks when he says it. He sets the tool down and hides his head in his hands. "Just-don't. Please."
Of course Loki knows what to do. He doesn't say anything, just leans down and entangles his arms around Tony. His chest presses against Tony's back. His cooled skin helps ground Tony in the lab, far, far away from the desert heat and damp caves, and his arms form a cage around him, making him feel protected in a way he really shouldn't, but he's too tired to care.
He barely catches himself in time, as he's closing his eyes and leaning back into Loki, muscles relaxing. He jerks forward, trying to pull out of Loki's arms, but the god tightens his grip.
"Tony," Loki says, until Tony finally stops struggling. "You are safe here."
"You think I don't know that?" Tony snaps. "It's not that easy."
"I know," Loki says, and he sounds mournful, his own experiences echoing behind his words. "But you must sleep. I will stay, and nothing will harm you." For a brief second, Tony gets the feeling that Loki would give up everything, just to protect him, but as soon as he thinks it, it's gone. What they have might be love, but there's still too much need and desire between them. At least, that's what Tony tells himself.
Tony doesn't say anything, which Loki takes as acceptance, and transports them up to Tony's room which is slowly become their room. They have sex, because Loki always seems to know what he needs, but it's gentle and slow, not the fierce battle they usually have for control. When they're done, Tony ends up wrapped in Loki's arms. His head is tucked under the god's, which should have made him feel like a scared two-year old but it doesn't. Before he can stop himself, he's asleep.
He's not sure how long he sleeps before the nightmares start, but once they do, he forgets about any safe feelings he had. He feels the desert heat on his skin, hears the foreign voices, and the arc reactor twinges as he shifts and it still feels intrusive, no matter if it was his hand that made it. He hates it and wants to take it out, smash it, dare the world to kill him, but he's already issued that dare or the thing wouldn't even be in his body in the first place.
Suddenly he can't breathe and he looks down to find his chest is empty, but he knows he didn't take it out. He looks up and sees Pepper standing there, the arc reactor in hand. He takes a step towards her, but she grins and it's wrong, all wrong. She hands the reactor to someone behind her and Clint steps forward to take it and lock it in a box, shadows of the team behind him. He knows this isn't right, it was Obadiah, not Pepper, not his team, that took his reactor, come on Tony think, don't let the mind play tricks on you, but his chest is giving sharp pains. He tries to step toward Pepper again, but his legs give out on him and he crumbles to the ground. The team is gone, drifting back into darkness, and Pepper gives him one last smile, gentle and sweet, no regrets, before she waves and turns away, leaving him on the cold cave floor, gasping for breath as darkness dots his vision.
And then Tony's awake, still gasping for air. His hands go straight to the reactor to find it still in place, the gentle thrumming assuring him it's still working. For a second he contemplates disconnecting it and smashing it like he wanted to in his dream. The thing has only brought him betrayals and he'd rather be dead than see someone he trusted take it from him again. His hand finds the release-
Fingers wrap over his hand and Tony almost falls out of bed. He didn't even hear Loki, forgot he was even in the bed with him. Loki gently tugs his hand away and Tony's heartbeat flares in panic. Loki guides him back down and wraps him in his arms again so that Tony's chest is completely hidden from view. The god's chest presses hard against the reactor, giving it a comforting weight. He runs his hands through Tony's hair, grounding him. Loki doesn't say anything about the way he's trembling, doesn't say anything about the way Tony is cowering in his embrace. When Tony finally settles down enough to think he realizes that Loki is apologizing, over and over.
"Wha-" Tony clears the fear from his throat. "What are you apologizing for?"
"I tried to stop the nightmares, but it appears they are stronger than I am."
"It-it's okay. You being here...it helps."
"Did Pepper help too?" Loki asks. Tony's rational enough to recognize it as curiosity rather than jealousy.
"She tried, but it tore her apart to see me like that."
"So you hid them?"
"Tried," Tony says with half shrug. "It meant I was out of bed more often than in it. It was…one point of tension."
Loki tightens his arms around Tony. "You need not hide them from me."
Despite himself, Tony smiles faintly against the god's chest. "Because you're so open with yours?"
The fingers pause in Tony's hair, then continue. "Waking up," Loki says carefully, "and having someone beside me, whether you are awake or not…it also helps."
"Helps ground me," Tony says quietly. This is the most open they've been with each other in a long, long time.
"It reminds me what is the past, and what is the future," Loki adds, and Tony feels his chin rest on the top of his head. Loki's hands move down to his back, where they idly trace patterns. Tony's tense muscles loosen as he allows himself to relax slightly. "Neither of us have had an easy life," Loki says, his fingers sliding across Tony's neck, barely touching, and Tony marvels at the changes in Loki. Once, Loki would've made a passing comment about how his life had been much longer, with more experiences, but now he says nothing. "It does not mean we deserve to be alone."
This time, Tony's smile is more pronounced. "You've been talking with Pepper too much."
There's a huff of what Tony suspects is laughter. "You have been very busy lately, and Miss. Potts provides very entertaining company."
Tony isn't sure whether he should be terrified that Loki and Pepper have been spending so much time together, or relieved. There was a lot of tension between the two of them, and not a little jealousy on Loki's part, though god forbid he ever acknowledge it. "I'm sorry I've been gone so long," Tony sighs as he adjust his position. He pulls away slightly, still wrapped in Loki's arms.
"You had things to do. As did I," Loki says easily. Tony is seconds from agreeing before his mind catches up.
"Wait, what?" Tony pulls further away from Loki so he can see the god's face. The god just smiles, but Tony reads the tiny signs effortlessly. He groans, and allows his head to sink back into the god's arms. "You stole something, didn't you?"
"I would never," Loki says, affronted. His eyes are too wide, his face too innocent.
"Oh god, am I going to get a call about this tomorrow?"
"Sir, Captain Rogers is currently in route to come wake you. Fury has called," Jarvis' voice says.
Loki rarely laughs out loud, but Tony can always read his laughter in different parts of his body. Right now, he's practically screaming with laughter. "You're a bastard," Tony says, pushing the god away from him when he leans in.
"You were bored of receiving the same calls, do not try to lie," Loki says, still with that stupid silent laughter. And yeah, okay, Tony is tired of getting phone calls about mad scientists in foreign countries, but he's not about to admit that to Loki.
"Don't try and make this about me!" Tony protests, sitting up in the bed and trying to rub away the last of the tension left from the dream. Loki's done an incredible job distracting him, but they tend to linger. "What did you steal this time?"
Loki's arms slide over his shoulders as the god eases himself against Tony. He nips at Tony's jawline, because if Tony shows up to a team meeting without at least one love mark, Loki's job isn't done. "I guess you will just have to find out, yes?"
"I hate you," Tony mutters, resisting the god's charms, as hard as it is, and rising out of bed. Loki tries to look offended, but when he sprawls out on the bed—there's no way to actually describe what Loki is doing, the way he positions his body to look so elegant and so sexy at the same time—the disgruntled look fails.
"You love me," Loki says instead. Tony forcefully turns his back on him, refusing to get lured back to bed. There's a knock at the door, sparing Tony from having to answer, and when Tony looks back, Loki's assumed a different form. This one keeps the more lithe form Loki naturally has, but the hair is shorter, brown instead of black, and the eyes are a bright blue. Tony rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm almost ready, tell Fury to calm his shit." The door opens, because of course, it's Clint instead of Steve like Jarvis said, and Clint is terrible at personal boundaries.
"Hey," Clint says to the not-Loki lying on his bed.
"Ignore him. He was leaving," Tony says to Clint. Clint looks startled, but Loki only grins and rolls off the bed, grabbing his shirt from the floor.
"I will see you tonight," Loki says, stopping long enough to give Tony a kiss that can hardly be considered chaste. Tony's already plotting ways to get back at him. "Have fun," he adds with a wicked grin, before exiting the bedroom. No doubt he vanishes from the tower before he even makes it all the way down to the hallway.
"Where'd you find him?" Clint asks in disbelief.
"Showed up one day and now I can't get rid of him."
"He seems familiar…have I seen him somewhere?"
"He spent a lot of time on T.V. once. Maybe you saw him there." Not technically a lie. God, Loki is such a bad influence on him. Or a worse influence. Tony wasn't exactly a saint to begin with. "C'mon, bird boy. Let's go see what Fury wants today."