i LIIIIIIIIIIVE

I am alive and writting! Sorry this is so short. I haven't updated in a while. Mostly because of writters block. So i figured this has gone on long enough. Time to wrap something up. *claps hnds together* let's get to it, shall we?

And please for the love of god, PLEASE REVEIW

Jack wasn't aware of how long she had been sitting on the couch, staring at the wall across from her. Nor was she aware of what time it was.

Or what day it was.

Or what month it was.

She had been out of the hospital for a few months she guessed, and she almost never left the appartment. Or maybe she never actually did leave it. Jack was still pale and frail. She had spent most of her time sleeping and she could only keep down a little bit of food, if she was ever hungry which was rare. She was a mess, disheveled, hair a rat's nest. She doesn't remember the last time she bathed, and the idea of water in the tub terrified her. The sloshing water, the sensation of water covering her sent her into a panic.

There was water all the time. Everyday, maybe more than once. Each time her head was shoved under, she thought it was her last breath of air. Everyday was her last. Everyday, water. There was always water.

She could still hear it slapping against the sides of the bucket. Her hair was soaked, she couldn't breathe. She started to cough, was she under water? She could feel it dripping down her face and she could see the dark grey stones of the wall. Her knees were on the stone floor, hard, cold, unforgiving. She started coughing and crying. SHe was back, she never made it home did she? It was all in her head.

She was still there.

She was still trapped. Jack started sobbing hysterically, she should have known. Her breathing quickened, and she felt light headed. She could feel their hands on her arms, holding her tightly in their unforgiving grips, to force her under water. They shook her.

"Tell me!" He ordered. "Tell me, damn it!" HE shouted.

"No!" SHe sobbed and cried out. "No! Let me go!" Jack fought against the hands holding her weakly. Why did she even bother.

"Jack, tell me, please!" He begged her. He gently shook her again, trying to get her attention. SHe was sobbing and struggling. She tried to stand and push him away but he held her close instead. "Jack, please. Tell me what's wrong, baby." DOn begged. He stroked her hair.

"No more water, please no more water." sHe cried into his chest and he sighed. Don held her close until she calmed down. Thank God she didn't hyperventilate this time.

Jack lay in bed, late at night, staring at the wall. She was so tired but couldn't sleep. She was convinced she looked like she had black eyes because of her bags under her eyes. It was like this everyday it seemed. Was she actually home? Or was she still stuck in Germany? SOme days she didn't know. It was never ending. She was never going to get better. Don, his arm around her, had been doing all he could. He was still working full time and making sure she was getting the care she needed. He was careful with her, patient with her. He deserved better than her.

The morning came and DOn woke up, kissed her head and got ready for work. Jack just lay there like every other morning. SOme days, she stayed there. He was about to leave but stopped back in and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

"I'm going to work." He told her quietly. Her eyes flicked to his. "There is breakfast on the table if you get hungry." She nodded. He rested a hand on her face. "I love you." He whispered to her. Jack closed her eyes and held his hand. She must have fallen asleep because when she opened her eyes, he was gone and she wasn't in her bed anymore. She was on the stone floor and there was a big fat rat on her hand. She screamed and sat up. SHe looked around frantically. Her back stung to hell and she started crying again. She was in hell. She must have been in hell. She shuffled backwards and was startled when she fell onto something soft. SHe felt it with her hands. It was carpet. She lay there on the floor, sobbing.

How long had this been happening to her? GOd, why is this still happening? What was real? She couldn't take it anymore! She couldn't handle it. There was no way out. On one hand, she could still be in Germany, wasting away. On the other, she was wasting away and taking DOn down with her. She couldn't do that to him. SHe loved him so much. He should have someone better for him.

A new resolve pushed her up off the floor. She shuffled around the bed. SHe would free him. She would escape this cycle. It needed to stop. She was going to stop it. She opened the drawer. Her hand closed around something cold and familiar. She wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Jack made sure to load it. Slowly, bullet by bullet, until it was full. She looked at it for a minute, crying. She calmed herself down and breathed. This was it. No more of this. She closed her eyes and she could feel the cold metal of the gun in her mouth. No more.

Jack breathed in deep, it was her last so she took it slow.

"Jack?" A man's voice almost shouted in shock. It startled Jack and she jerked, ripping the gun from her mouth and looking to her husband with wide, fearful eyes. She looked back at the gun. What was she doing? She chastized herself with the thought. Don put his breif case down slowly. "Jack, please put the gun down, baby." he told her gently and moved towards her slowly, hand outstretched. Jack tossed the gun on the floor, fresh tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry!" She shouted. "I'm so sorry!" She sobbed. Don had reached her and picked up the gun. He emptied the chamber and dropped the gun again. He dropped in front of her and grabbed her arms. Her face was burried in her hands.

"Jack, why?" He asked. Jack looked at him, startled to see tears in his own eyes. How could she have thought this was the answer?

"I'm so scared, Don." She sobbed. "I didn't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Half the time I don't know if I'm here with you or if im back in that hell hole in Germany." She rubbed her face. "I'm so sorry, Don." She sobbed and tried to breathe. "Can you forgive me? I'm so sorry. I just cant keep doing this, DOn. Im tired. I'm just so tired." His hands rested on the sides of her face. "Will you ever forgive me?" SHe asked quietly, hopeful.

"Jack, I love you." He told her. "You are my wife. Whatever problems we face we'll face together. Of course I forgive you, there isn't anythign to forgive." He told her and wiped some of the tears. "You are the most important thing in the world to me, baby. I can't stand seeing you this way. I want to help you, but you gotta let me. Don't hide this from me. Let me in again. Please, Jack, I'm begging you. Can you try?"

Jack sniffed and nodded. And then, her lips twitched upwards in what was now an unfamiliar way. Don smiled gently at her.

"I love you." She told him as she slipped off the bed and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him. For the first time in months, she felt the warmth of his body, it actually registered. Something else entered her mind. Hope. Hope that everything was going to be ok.

It was late that evening. At Jack's request, he drew her a bath. It took her a good fifteen minutes to get into the tub, and even then she had to be holding onto Don tightly, lest she slip back to GErmany. Now, she rested in the warm water. She still could not put her head under water. Her eyes were closed and Don watched her breathing. The picture of her with the gun in her mouth terrified him and shook him to his core. If he had been just a minute late, she wouldn't be here with him. He wasn't going to leave her on her own for a while. Luckily, i was friday, so he had all weekend, but after that, he would probably have to get her out of the partment, or maybe Betty could visit her for a bit instead. Either way, Jack wasn't going to be left alone.

"How was work?" Jack asked quietly, trying to make conversation. Don squeezed her hand gently.

"Same as usual." DOn told her. "Boring as always."

"With our lives, boring is probably better." She told him with a ghost of a smile. It took DOn a second to realize she had made a joke and grinned. He let out a small laugh of releif. He hadn't heard her joke in what seemed to be ages. He nodded.

"Yeah. Definately better." He agreed with her.

"So we're agreed." She stated. "Coon ass is no longer allowed to visit." She stated and Don snorted. Jack looked at him and smiled softly.

"I've missed you." He told her quietly after he calmed down. "I've missed you so much." THey looked at each other lovingly but the mood was ruined when Jack's stomach grumbled. She hadn't eaten all day. Did she even eat yesterday? Don chuckled and kissed her hand. "Let's get you out before you prune and gt you some food. Do you want anythign specific?"

"Honestly, I would very much enjoy a cake."