I hope this isn't too choppy. I wanted to capture a couple of moments I had in my head as aftereffects. It really would work better as a comic or something, but I still like it. My personal theme song for Judy now is Unstoppable by Sia. It just has this painful note to all the triumph in it. So after everything that happened to her I can't help but associate it. I listened to it the whole time as I wrote this chapter. Enjoy!
That night is hard, but the next morning is worse, at least it feels like it to Nick. At least while she was asleep he didn't have to see the pain in every fiber of her being and could at least pretend she was a little bit okay. Now though as he watches her at the table there with her glazed eyes he is forced to face the terrible reality – she is anything but okay.
Judy sits at the table with breakfast on the plate in front of her, but she scarcely moves. She holds a fork in her hand and pokes and prods at the food, but little more. She stares with empty eyes at the food before her, nothing truly registering in her scattered mind.
"Judy." Nick says softly.
Judy jerks to attention. Her eyes snap open and she goes rigid at the sound of his voice. As she lays eyes on him though she lets out a breath and the terror seeps out of her. She had forgotten he was even there. She thought…
Nick grimaces as he witnesses her severe reaction at the simple sound of his voice. Of course she would be this way. Aaron refuses to admit to exactly what he put her through, but the way she freaked out when Nick found her is enough for him to see that his voice was the primary source of her torture. It is a hard pill to swallow, but one he must accept and work through all the same. "You have to eat." She was so mentally exhausted yesterday after everything that he didn't have time to feed her like he should have. Honestly he was too tired too.
Judy doesn't say anything for a long time. She returns her gaze to her food and stares. Then, slowly, she speaks. "I'm not hungry." Her voice is a breath on the wind.
Nick sighs. "You haven't eaten in days. You have to be." Just because she is conditioned to not want food or feel hungry as a coping mechanism to power through her captivity doesn't mean she isn't starving.
Judy shakes her head weakly. "No…it just makes me sick." Pain flickers across her face.
Nick frowns. "Come on," He stands. "For me."
Judy blanches and her hold on her fork turns into a vice grip. Come on, for me. She whimpers and clenches her eyes shut, shying away from him.
Nick's brows knit together and massive hurt and confusion swells in his eyes. What? She drew in faster than he could take a breath. Was it something he said? A trigger phrase? God, he really needs to know the details of what happened during her captivity. No way in hell he can ask that though. If she is still reacting negatively to his voice and specific words then delving into what happened would send her into a panic for sure. He walks over to her. "Judy," He bites his lip and can't help but hesitate. How is he supposed to know what he can and can't say? He doesn't want to make things worse. "It's just me. It's not him." It takes all his effort not to put so much venom into the word.
Judy gradually opens her eyes and sits up. Her eyes overflow with pain and sadness. "I'm sorry." Her voice wavers. "Please don't hate me."
"What?" Disbelief shatters his expression and hurt twists his heart. "I could never hate you." He hates that prick more and more by the second. Just what did he have Nick's voice say to her?
Judy nods. "I know." She doesn't really, not anymore. She wishes she could say it and believe it, but she is so shattered she isn't sure what to do with herself right now. She nibbles on the scrambled eggs for a minute. "I'm tired."
Nick forces himself not to sigh. She has slept fourteen hours already. By all logic she should be crazy energized. Then again, what does he know? She was put through hell and back. Maybe she is tired. Maybe a fragile state of mind makes it that much easier to run out of energy. Or perhaps it is more a lack of desire to be awake, to face the terrible reality. "Alright." Maybe he should be stricter, not let her leave until she eats what she needs to, but he can't bear the thought of pushing her too far and into a breakdown.
Judy pushes her chair back and drags her feet to get to her bedroom. She crawls into bed and curls into a tight ball, burying herself beneath the covers. She doesn't want to look at the world even though the world is so much brighter right now than it was twenty four hours ago. She just wants to hide away forever, then maybe she won't feel the wretched pit in her stomach.
Nick follows soundlessly after her. He stops at her door and leans on the frame as he watches her. He sighs, his eyes brimming with sadness. He is compelled to keep a close eye on her, to watch for the tiniest sign of pain or restlessness, but that would be pointless he knows. He doesn't need to keep his eyes glued to her unmoving frame. He'll just…sit on the couch. That will be close enough to go to her if she needs him to but far enough away so that he doesn't look pathetic. This is about her, not him and his worrying. So he settles on the couch and prepares for the worst.
He isn't sure if she is really asleep the whole time, but she doesn't come out for the rest of the day. It is night before she makes the slightest sound and when she does it is violent and so pain stricken that it sends a shiver down Nick's spine.
Judy screams as she shoots up in bed, clenching the sheets in her fists. Her heart pounds in her chest and sweat coats her body. Echoes of a chilling voice somewhere between Aaron's and Nick's linger in her ears. She shakes terribly and jerks her head all about for some sign to ground her. She can't be back, no, no, no, she was saved. Please don't be a dream, God no. Please, please, please. "Nick!"
Nick is there in a heartbeat. He rushes into the room. "Judy! I'm here!"
Judy sucks in a breath and her throat tightens. Her body goes rigid and every hair stands on end. If she wasn't terrified before she definitely is now. Her vision can't cut through the darkness and it is very nearly suffocating. This whole situation holds no reassurance, if anything it makes everything so much worse. Panic seizes her.
Nick starts. He sees her expression despite the dark and realization hits him hard. He scurries back and flips the light on. He hisses as it blinds him, but he knows it was the only course of action available.
Judy shies away from the brightness, but once she adjusts the tension floods out of her. Her breathing is still heavy as it shudders in and out and her heart just won't quiet, but she is thankfully able to tether herself in her too fast spinning world. She's home. She is. And the voice…it wasn't real. Nick is here. The real Nick. It's really him.
Nick moves silently over to her. He sits on the edge of the bed and watches her with deep sadness. He isn't sure what he can say. What is there to say? Not 'are you okay' because she clearly isn't. Not 'is something wrong' because of course it is. Words of comfort seem so hollow in his head. All he can do is be there.
Judy leans her face against his arm and wraps her arms around his in a vice grip. "It hurts." She whimpers.
Nick reaches over and runs his hand across her arm. "I know."
Judy sniffles and sobs. "Please don't leave." She repeats the same phrase she said yesterday after he first brought her home.
"You know I won't." Can't. He'd rather die than leave her alone like this.
Aside from her crying there is not a sound to be heard for a while. Yet it is not a peaceful silence. It is very eerie. So when it is broken Nick can not be more thankful. "I'm hungry." Judy murmurs.
Nick perks. "O-Oh. Okay." She certainly needs to eat.
"Can I have eggs?"
Her tone causes Nick so much pain. She asks it as if he will yell at her for not just eating them earlier. "Of course." Right now he'd give her the sun and moon if she asked. Anything to make the hurt go away.
…
A week passes and she gets better, but she also doesn't get better. Nick holds his breath that perhaps a little more time will make the trauma disappear, but when that week turns into months he sees that without question her time in captivity will forever be with her, in that unconscious part of her mind, the part that sets off an alarm in the brain in order to keep a person safe. Unfortunately hers works on overdrive.
The first time he really notices is when they make the preparations for a movie night. It is his turn to make popcorn so she goes ahead into the living room and settles in front of the television. She doesn't get to choose the movie either because per usual the one who does the work gets the reward. So she has to wait for Nick to do that too. Instead she idly stares at the blue screen of the television.
Nick strides in carrying the full bowl in his hands. "One big buttered mess. Just the way we like it, Carrots."
Judy stiffens and clenches her hands around the fabric of her pants. Logically it can only be Nick, the real Nick, but that isn't enough to stop her reaction.
Nick stops and his brows knit together as he witnesses this. Then it hits him. The realization leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and his stomach drops. He shouldn't address it though, bringing it up will only make it hurt worse. Instead he merely backtracks and flips the light on. It takes away from the movie experience, but what's a movie experience to the mental health of his best friend?
Judy hates herself for it, but the instant the light clicks on her gaze snaps to Nick. She makes sure it is in fact him across the room and only then does she relax her grip. A smile returns to her lips and she says with as much cheer as she can manage, "Sounds terribly unhealthy."
Nick chuckles, but it is just as forced as her tone. "You know it." He proceeds across the room and takes his seat next to her. "What are you up for?" He tilts his head. "Titanic?"
"Ew. No way. Too mushy." Judy sticks her tongue out. "Why do you always suggest that?" She laughs. "What, are you a secret romantic?"
Nick grins. "You got me. A lover, not a fighter."
"Then you certainly picked the wrong profession." Judy gets up to grab a movie. "Let's watch The Land Before Time."
Nick scoffs. "That movie's stupid." He crosses his arms. "Humans did not exist before we did. They didn't exist ever." He shakes his head. "Just dumb."
Judy rolls her eyes. "Whiner." She grabs Friends instead. "How about this then? A show." She frowns. "Does that count for a movie night?"
Nick shrugs. "Sure. It's funny. And if we don't hurry up I'm going to eat all the popcorn before we even start." He grins.
Judy snorts. "You dork." She shoves it in and they settle into place on the couch. From then on they watch their movies and shows with the light on. Both act as if they don't notice, but deep down neither forget. It is a flashing red sign reminding them of harsh realities and scars that will never heal.
…
She returns to her police work too after those few months. That's when Nick notices the other part of her that will remain forever changed, as well as a part of himself. Everyone is more than happy to see Judy back and in good health. They haven't seen her since she was rescued after all. Even Bogo is more expressive than usual. "It's good to have you back Judy." Bogo smiles warmly.
Judy clasps her hands at her waist. She smiles and nods at him. "It's good to be back." She was starting to go a bit stir crazy staying home all day every day. She won't lie though, she needed that. She was in no shape before to return to duty.
Nothing happens when she is bombarded with people. It is only later, near the end of the day, that the problem arises. Nick and Judy are headed out of the building when someone comes up from behind and taps her on the shoulder.
Judy jerks around and jumps backward, nearly falling over in her haste. Terror springs forth in her eyes and every muscle in her body tenses. Her heart pounds out of her chest even as she sees that it is only one of the newer recruits. Then shame descends on her and sneers at herself and her stupid automatic reactions.
Nick acts in tandem. He sees her jolt and in the next instant he pivots. He sees the fear rolling off of Judy and he can't stop himself. His lips curl into a snarl and his eyes catch fire. "What do you think you're doing? Don't touch her." He clenches his fists so tight his knuckles turn white.
"S-Sorry." The girl scrambles back. "I didn't mean to." She bows her head and hunches her shoulders.
Nick doesn't back down. He holds his offensive pose, looking for all as if he might attack at any moment.
Judy drops her gaze to the ground. "Nick," She says softly. "It's okay, really." She reaches up and tugs at his arm. "Let's just go home." She peers up at him, trying to catch his eye and bring him down from his fury.
Nick's gaze jumps to Judy's and the soft sadness there is enough. His rage drains from him and his expression comes to match her own – full of shame. He sighs and looks to the officer one last time. He wants to apologize, but the words get stuck in his tightening throat. Instead he turns away, putting his arm around Judy's shoulder as they walk away. Guilt eats him up from the inside out. He didn't mean to do that. He didn't even have time to think about it, it just…happened.
"It's okay." Judy interrupts his thoughts. "We'll get better." And they do. Still, it never completely goes away. Judy jumps and flinches away when people touch her unexpectedly and Nick, while subduing his kneejerk reaction, never fails to glare a hole through the culprit. Because some scars run too deep to for even a lifetime to fix. They just never thought theirs would be one of them.
Bit of a time skip through here. There had to be though in order for her to be anywhere near okay after what she went through. I hope I captured the moments well enough. Like I said they are more fit as a comic than being written out, they just feel short written. lol But I hope you liked it anyway. I know I had fun. Please review!