I'd tell you what inspired this, but then you'd know what was gonna happen. lol Also this actually goes against a headcanon of mine. I'll explain what I mean at the end. And yes, I totally used a Gary Allan song for the title of this chapter. No shame. XD Enjoy!
Judy sits hunched over on the edge of her bed with her face buried in her hands to hide her tears. Soft sobs eek out of her and she wishes she were strong enough to hold it in, but she doesn't want to hold it in anymore.
All the way home she was forced to wear a mask of nonchalance that she isn't sure she pulled off at all so that no one saw the cracked edges. Now though, now no one is looking. She is just thankful Nick wasn't there when she first got home. He would have known. He would have seen straight through her faltering mask and then she would have had to tell him, to cry in front of him.
She still isn't sure where he is though, so she can't allow her sobs to get out of hand. If he is in his room he might be able to pick up on the sound even through her closed door and that is the absolute last thing she needs right now. Maybe it's childish, but admitting it out loud will only make it more real. And she just can't bear that.
It takes an hour, but finally she cries herself out. She slips from the bed and slinks over to the mirror on her dresser. The face staring back at her has bloodshot eyes and tears staining her cheeks. She sighs and rubs her arm over her face. It barely helps. She still looks like a mess, worn, just done with everything life has handed her.
She wants to go grab a bite to perhaps eat her troubles away. A tub of ice cream would be especially nice. But she can't be sure of Nick's whereabouts. If he is anywhere in the house really then her opening the door will draw his attention. She doesn't want that. So instead she crawls into bed and curls up, the covers wrapped around her like a cocoon. She doesn't intend to fall asleep, but she supposes she must because the next thing she knows there is a knock on her door and she is shaking the sleepiness off of her in order to answer. "Huh? What?"
"Carrots," Nick frowns on the other side of the door. "Can I come in?" He doesn't want to just assume something is wrong, but when she hides away in her room all day generally that's a very good sign that something is in fact wrong.
Judy sits up, rubbing the back of her hand across her eyes. "Yeah, come in."
Nick pushes the door open and peers in. His mind is not eased by the fact she has clearly been sleeping. Judy is not one to crash halfway through a day, not without being seriously emotionally out of whack. "Are you okay?"
Judy laughs. "Yeah, of course I am." She stretches her arms out. "Why would you ask?" She puts on a big smile, maybe a bit too big.
Nick's frown deepens. "You've been in here all day."
"Aw, what?" Judy leaps from the bed. "You've gotta be kidding me." She peers at the clock by her bed. "I only meant to lay down for a minute or two." She chuckles.
Nick eyes her with suspicion. He wants to believe she means it, but there is something seriously off with her cheer. He wouldn't call it forced, just overblown to the point it is unrealistic.
"Come on," Judy grabs his arm and drags him out of her room. "We've got to make the most of what's left of the day." It may be five, but it is still bright out. "Let's go for a walk."
Nick stumbles along after her. "Judy…" He doesn't know what he can say after that though. She won't respond to being asked of her wellbeing and he doesn't have the slightest clue as to what could be the problem – the very big problem. All he knows is she went to some appointment this morning and when she got back disappeared into her room. What could it be?
"Hm?" Judy pops her head around to look at him with bright eyes. "Did you say something, Nick?" She smiles.
Nick sighs and shakes his head. "No, nothing." He smiles back. He supposes he'll just have to see what plagues her. Because as strong as she is, Judy always cracks. Always.
They walk down the busy streets, neither saying anything. They take in the sights and sounds all around them, at least Judy does. Nick is too busy watching her. He wants to enjoy this, and normally he would, but he just can't kill his sixth sense telling him that at any second her façade will shatter.
Eventually they make their way to the park. "Hey, wanna get on the swing?" Judy nudges Nick in the side. "I bet I can go higher than you."
Nick snorts. The first trace of a genuine smile lights his lips. "You wish."
Judy grins. "Care to put a wager on that?"
"Twenty bucks says I can go higher and do it faster."
"You're on." She races across the playground to where the swings are. As it comes into view, however, she stops cold.
Nick comes to a stop just moments later. "Oh, looks like the kids have all of them."
Judy stares vacantly at the scene. The kids' laughter floats to her and it sends a chill up her spine.
"Eh," Nick shrugs. "Maybe some other time." He turns to go and his eyes catch on her face. He pauses and blinks. "Carrots?"
Judy blinks and dispels her daze. She shakes her head. "Yeah, next time." She clears her throat and forces the smile back on her face. "Come on, let's get out of here." She takes too quick steps to get away from the playground.
Nick's brows knit together as he watches her go through these strange motions. After a moment he hurries after her, his mind whirring over all the possibilities. "Where we going now?"
"Nowhere." A tinge of bitterness creeps into her tone despite herself. "We're just walking." She takes to the sidewalk again, not waiting for him.
Nick catches up to her easily enough. Yeah, they are definitely headed into danger territory. Her severe happiness has plunged into a strange displeasure offset by her lying smile.
No more than five minutes later they hear a musical jingle that can only belong to an ice cream truck. Sure enough, only a minute later they see it. Children crowd around it with their parents. "Heh, want one Carrots?" Nick grins, but falters as he sees that same expression on her face again.
"Mom, mom." One of the children's cry. "I want the green one."
"The fish. I want the fish one." Another child tugs at their mother's dress as they say this.
Judy presses her knuckles against her lips. She swallows hard, trying to force down this wretched swell of feelings. She can feel her eyes burning despite all her efforts.
"Carrots?" Nick's frown deepens as he looks back and forth between her and the flurry of children. "Are you alright?"
Judy jerks her head up and scowls. "Of course I am." She bites back. "Why wouldn't I be? There's absolutely no reason for me to be upset right now." She breathes out heavily.
Nick doesn't react in the slightest. He takes her outburst in stride. Yep, definitely not okay. "Wanna go get a drink?" He doesn't try to smile because he knows she won't smile back.
Judy shrugs. "Yeah, alright." She drops her eyes to her feet as she shuffles around and heads in the opposite direction of the ice cream truck. Nothing's wrong with her. It isn't.
Nick matches her slow pace. He doesn't say a word the whole way. He merely watches the shifts in her expression as God knows what thoughts pass through her head. It won't be long now. When she loses her smile, especially a fake one, then she is one small step away from letting it all out. Unfortunately he isn't sure if a bar will provide the trigger necessary to push her the rest of the way. But hey, if it makes her a little better that's good too.
They sit at their usual spot in the bar and order their usual drinks. Nick gulps down three easy and is eager for more. He doesn't get to go out and drink much anymore, in part because he is trying to be better about it but also because Judy banned him from going without her and she doesn't drink half as much as he likes to. He even orders some more to fill the silence that curls around them. Despite the bar being quite loud it doesn't pierce their sphere.
Judy stares down at the contents of her drink as if it is an ant to be squashed. She sneers at it and doesn't act as if she will even pick it up, let alone take a drink.
Nick raises a brow. Drinks too? What the heck? "Come on, Carrots." He rests his cheek against his knuckle. "At this rate I'll be buzzed before you even down a single glass." He grins from ear to ear and chuckles.
Judy curls her hands into tight fists. Her body trembles slightly and her furious stare begins to erode and she has to bite her lip to hold it together. "I'm leaving." She shoves herself off the stool and pivots, racing from the bar.
Nick starts. "Woah, Carrots. Wait." She would never just leave him in a bar like this. Who knows how out of control he could get? Yeah, this is so wrong. He leaps up to follow, halting himself to throw down the cash and nab one of the glasses he just paid for.
"Hey!" The bartender yells after him. "That's our property."
Nick downs it in one gulp and slams it down on a table near the door. "Love ya Louie!" He calls over his shoulder before he disappears out the door. He looks all about him, just in case she ran off somewhere ridiculous. He sees her figure headed toward home, however, and runs after her. She sure is a fast little bunny when she wants to be. He is unable to catch up, not until he walks through the door of their apartment and finds her there on the couch.
Judy sits bent over with her face in her hands. Sobs wrack her body and fresh tears stream down her face. She heard the door, but she doesn't have the fortitude to compose herself. He was going to find out anyway. Might as well be now when she needs someone so badly.
Nick stands motionless for a long moment. He takes in the scene and debates what the best course of action is. Clearly she needs help, the question is if she is willing to accept it from him now. He takes small steps toward her and sits next to her. "Judy. What's wrong?" He looks hard at her.
Judy draws in a deep breath to try and swallow the sobs. She wipes fervently at her face to try and rid them of the tears for the second time today. "Why can't I win?" Her voice cracks.
Nick's brows knit together and his ears fold down. What does she mean by that?
Judy sniffles and sobs. "Why does life hate me?"
"Come on," Nick chews on his lip as he mulls over each and every word. "That's not true."
"Isn't it?" Her voice is sharp as she jerks up and pierces him with her burning eyes.
Nick starts. He blinks down at her.
"Everything. And I mean everything. It always goes wrong." Her sobs engulf her again.
"Judy," Nick whispers. "Please, talk to me." What a wonder that he has turned her coaxing phrase around on her.
Judy wraps her arms around herself. "I…I went…to a doctor this morning." It takes every ounce of energy in her to keep her voice down to a tiny waver.
Nick watches her intently. Doctor? So that's where she went this morning.
"Cause I…I didn't tell you, but…I've been trying to…trying to…" Tears well up and trickle down her cheeks, but this time they are silent. "To conceive."
Nick's jaw drops. What? How did she manage to decide this without ever even hinting at it? Not that he knows about her sex life, but generally she is quite the chatter box when it comes to things she is passionate about or that she needs counsel in deciding. Had she really been so adamant it wasn't even a question? And how long had this been going on? No, no. He mentally slaps himself. These are the wrong questions right now. This is not what is important. What matters is the end result and it is clear that it was not good. "I see."
"But-But…it didn't work." She shakes her head. "And I…I found out today. I can't…I'm just…" Her words dissolve into heavy sobs. She can't bear to finish the sentence. More childish whims. Believing that not saying it will change the reality.
Nick lets out a soft breath. "You don't have to say it." He scoots closer and wraps an arm around her shoulder, pulling her close.
"It's not fair." She whimpers. She leans into him.
"I know." He wishes there way more he could say, but no words will ever be able to cure the massive hole of barrenness.
"I'm a bunny." She clenches her hands. "I'm supposed to have so many kids I'm sick of them. Not-Not…none." Judy reaches up and curls her fingers over Nick's hand. "I just want one Nick. Just one. Is that too much to ask?"
Nick's heart clenches for her. Sometimes he wonders if life really is out to get her. Personally he never thought about having kids, let alone wanting the little buggers. But for someone who so desperately wants them, it must be painful – knowing the pitter patter of little feet will never grace her home, that laughter as they play will be something only experienced from afar, from a playground, and that motherhood, once an expectation, is now nothing more than a far off dream. "I'm sorry Judy." He squeezes her hand. So, so sorry.
I told you. Right back at it. I can't keep myself from hurting these characters. Anyway, not gonna lie. This was a hundred percent undeniably inspired by Up. Leave me be. It got stuck in my head and wouldn't leave me alone. So I had to, even though it goes against one of my personal headcanons. Honestly I like to think Judy is fully capable of having kids of her own but opts not to in favor of adopting. I wrote it anyway though cause feels. lol
Oh yeah, plus I think in the world of Zootopia adoption is like nonexistent. Even though there are plenty of kids on the streets there were never any organizations to take those kids in and take care of them. Since they used to be able to fend for themselves as wild creatures it is just kind of this unspoken rule that if you end up on the streets then 'ah, you'll be fine'. Generally animals who are infertile can either go pick these kids off the street (which isn't exactly easy) or get over it. Mean, yeah, I know, but that's how I imagine it in my head. And that's why Judy is particularly upset. I mean, it's upsetting as it is because some people really want a biologically related kid, but this compounds it. Please review!