To Hell and Back
Chapter 5
Having sent Mattie off to do her homework, Harm quickly changed out uniform and into an old t-shirt, worn under a faded blue and paint stained boiler suit. Then grabbing his bag of tools from the cabinet under the sink he followed Mattie's path into the next apartment, calling out "Man on deck!" before he actually opened the door, just in case a half-undressed Mattie was in the living room which opened directly off the door.
"Come ahead – I'm decent," the teenager sang out in reply, and Harm entered to find Mattie sitting Indian fashion on a pillow with her books spread around her and on the coffee table in front of her, her eyes lighting up in amusement at the picture Harm made, which was a total contrast to his normal impeccable self.
"Just to let you know that I'm starting on Beth's bedroom, and the first thing I'm going to do is rip out the sink and associated plumbing. So unless you've had one in the last ten minutes or so, you're going to have to wait for your shower until I turn the water back on again!
Mattie nodded, "Are you going to be noisy?" she wanted to know.
"I'll be as quiet as I can. It's not a particularly noisy job, but there might be some noise."
"Uh-huh…" Mattie rummaged in her book bag and brought out her cherished MP3 player. Plugging the ear buds into her ear she grinned happily, "Go ahead, I won't hear a thing now!"
Harm shook his head in resigned amusement, he had lost count of the times he had cautioned Mattie about damaging her hearing by playing her music too loudly, but it was only when he'd told her that a strict hearing test was part of the flight physical that she had seemed to pay any attention. But this evening he couldn't blame her, and she did seem to be able to tune out most of the music so that she heard it only as a comforting background noise. Which, he reflected, was damn sight better than hearing irregular bumps and crashes from the kitchen, let alone the inevitable curses that would follow when he skinned his knuckles or suffered some similar mishap.
So when Beth arrived just short of eighteen hundred hours, she got no reply from Harm's flat but by standing still in the hallway and straining her ears she could hear the muffled sound of activity emanating from the second apartment. With a resigned grin, she dropped her sea-bag on the floor and turned to knock at the door opposite.
Mattie still had her current favourite band blasting into her ears and Harm was still busy in what had once been the kitchen, but as he dumped an armful of pipes into the sink, which was now sitting on the kitchen table he eventually heard Beth pounding on the door. A look at his watch told him whom the visitor was likely to be and with a horrified cry of "Crap!" he bolted to the door and threw it open.
Beth stood there alternately shaking her fingers and blowing on her knuckles, "Hey, that's pretty tough buffalo hide you've got on your tepee!" she joked.
"Beth I am so sorry! Mattie's plugged into her own personal world and I was busy in the kitchen and…"
"Whoa! Power down! It's okay… I've only been pounding on the door for like… five, maybe ten minutes..."
"Oh, Beth I am… Hey! Wait up! There's no way! No way you've been knocking for ten minutes!" he accused her.
Harm's expression of injured innocence was too much for Skates and she burst into laughter, "Gotcha! I did, didn't I?" she saw the denial forming on Harm's lips, and grinned up at him with such a look in her eyes that he caught his breath, giving Beth a chance to add, "Go on, admit it!"
Totally disarmed, Harm shook his head and surrendered, "Okay, you did it you got me, you got me good!" then he fell silent, his eyes locked on hers as he thought – he was almost sure – he saw something in her face other than amusement and pleasure at being with a friend.
'Oh I wish I did!' Beth said silently and then as she caught the look in Harm's eyes she felt her face begin to burn.
Beth Hawkes didn't know where to look and at the same time she couldn't tear her eyes from Harm's face and she had never been quite so grateful to anyone when she heard Mattie call out, "Hey! Is that Skates? Why are you keeping her out in the hall?! Skates, if he's blocking you just push him out of your way!"
Mattie's voice broke their stillness and both exchanged startled looks which turned to laughter as the thought stuck both of them at the same time, their shared mental image of the petite RIO trying to push two hundred plus pounds of solid muscled aviator turned attorney out of her way was just too ridiculous. And only the most pernickety of listeners would have thought that he heard just a tinge of relief on their laughter.
Harm shook his head and his smile morphed into a wry grin, "Mattie's right, of course," he admitted, stepping back from the doorway, "Come on in! No, I'll get that!" he added as Beth turned back to pick up her sea-bag.
Beth nodded gratefully and walked past Harm, making straight for the couch, dropping into the corner nearest Mattie so she could reach out and ruffle the girl's riot of hair, "Hey, Mattie!"
"Hi, Skates!" Mattie grinned as she looked up from her homework, completely unfazed by the woman's greeting.
"Didn't take them long to hit you with homework, hey?" Beth nodded at the books and note pads lying on the coffee table.
Mattie pulled a face, "No… it's not too bad this evening though, a bit of math and a history essay. The math is okay, quadratic equations, so it's just a matter of following a formula, but the history… It's something I've never studied before and about people I've never heard of before."
"Oh… well, I can look through the math if you want… but what's the history topic?"
Mattie rolled her eyes, "We have to write an essay on the impact of Ulrich Zwingli on the course of the reformation of the church in early sixteenth-century Europe."
"Who and what?" Harm asked in surprise, just having returned to the living room.
"Ulrich Zwingli, the reformation?" Mattie said, her voice rising in pitch to make the short statement a question.
Harm exchanged a quick glance with Beth and saw incomprehension on her face, as he too shook his head. "Sorry, Squirt, looks like you're on your own with that one!"
"Not necessarily," Beth retorted with a reproving look at Harm, "There must be something about him on the internet. Have you tried looking him up? Where's your computer?"
"In my room… but it's not hooked up to the 'net yet."
"Harm!" Beth scolded him.
Harm fidgeted and looked uneasy, "Well, we can't have another phone line, it's not on the cards, and I haven't quite gotten around to putting a parallel through from the hub next door… But if Mattie needs to use a computer, there's no reason she can't use mine until I get her sorted out. You should have said something, Mattie… here…" he offered her the keys to his apartment. It's all set up, all you have to do is boot up."
"Password?" Beth queried.
"Uh… no general password. I've protected the files and programs that I need to, otherwise, there was no point. There was never anyone else who used it."
"H'mm… Not really satisfactory. What if I set it up for two additional users, me and Mattie? That way we'd each have our own password."
Harm thought for a moment, rubbing his chin, "I guess it won't hurt in the short term," he finally said, albeit a little reluctantly.
"Harm it's either that, or Mattie and I both have our own computers, and if we're on the same DSL as you, and that will slow down everyone's connection speed, or we get another two DSL points installed."
"Okay… I'll have to think about that… but I've got to reckon on the costs…"
Beth looked up at him in a half impatient, half pitying kind of way, "Harm, have you forgotten that yours won't be the only pay packet coming in? The Navy do pay me as well, ya know?"
"Oh… Yeah, of course I know that, but Beth, I can't ask you to pay…"
"Of course you can! I'm not going to be living here as your guest, we – all three of us – are in this together!"
"I don't know, Beth, it kind of goes against the grain…"
"That's as may be, Harmon Rabb. We don't have time to sort this out now, if Mattie's going to finish her homework!"
"And we also don't have time to argue about it if you're going to get dinner going!" Mattie chimed in with a grin, "Hungry teenager here, remember?"
"How could I forget?" Harm quipped, also with a grin. "Okay we'll table the finances for now, but we are going to have to come to some sort of agreement. After all, don't they say that arguments about money are one of the prime reasons for relationships to break up?"
"Do they?" Beth asked lightly as she got up from the couch, 'Relationship? Oh… yes, please! Elizabeth Hawkes! Where did that thought suddenly spring from?! Harm is your driver and your friend! What are you thinking girl?!' The thoughts tumbled through her head so quickly in succession that Beth almost missed Harm's reply.
"So I'm told," Harm confirmed.
"Well alright, we'll talk some more, but for now, I think I'll get changed out of this… Mattie, if I could use your room?" Beth asked, suddenly desperate to get away from Harm, if only for five minutes, just so she could regain her mental and emotional balance.
"Sure, Skates, go ahead."
"Join us next door when you're ready, okay?" Harm suggested
"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" Skates grinned over her shoulder from Mattie's bedroom door, which when she entered the room she immediately shut and sagged back against it in blessed relief.
Harm looked at the closed door for a second or two, it had struck him that Beth's voice sounded a bit strange… a bit strained maybe in her last sentence, but then persuading himself that he had imagined it he turned back to Mattie. "Come on then, let's get you busy at the computer and me at the stove!"
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Mattie continued working on her essay while Harm and Beth worked on dinner together. Not that it was anything fancy, as Harm explained to Beth, "Just spaghetti with a mushroom, garlic, onion and tomato sauce and a salad."
Beth nodded, "That's fine… but if you were thinking of pouring wine, then not for me tonight, thanks, water or juice would be fine."
Harm, well aware of the strange tension that had grown between them as they bustled about in the kitchen, each starting when they accidentally brushed against one another, looked at her curiously, his attention caught by the peculiar flat tone to her voice, a far remove from her normal liveliness.
"Are you okay, Beth?" he asked, not realising that his own voice had much of the same quality.
"Yeah, I'm fine!" Beth answered as she shook the pasta dry in the colander. "A little butter and some black pepper here, please?"
The spaghetti now seasoned to Beth's satisfaction she divided it onto the three plates, while Harm dressed and tossed the salad.
"Mattie! Come and get it before I throw it to the hogs!" Beth called out, making an effort to lighten her tone which even to her own ears had sounded strange.
Mattie abandoned her homework and joined the adults at the breakfast bar where she quickly picked up on the strained atmosphere. She said nothing, but when she thought that neither Harm nor Beth were looking at her she cast worried glances at them, lasting no longer than a fleeting second before returning her attention to her dinner, but not before noticing that neither Harm nor Beth were making many inroads into their own meals, in fact both seemed to spend more time pushing the food around on their plates than eating it.
Eventually the teenager had had enough, "Okay…" she said slowly as she laid down her own knife and fork, "how big is it?"
"How big is what?" Harm asked.
"The gorilla that you two are tip-toeing around, that's what!" Mattie said defiantly.
"I don't know what you mean," Beth said, "And neither, I think, does Harm."
Mattie looked Skates in the eye, "Lying is bad parenting!" she said unflinchingly.
Beth winced, but Harm nodded, "She's right, Beth. There is something going on here. I'm not sure what it is, but ever since we talked about extra DSL lines, you've been as jumpy as a cat on a hot tin roof!"
"Hey! Don't go blaming it all on Skates!" Mattie interrupted, "You're about as tight drawn as a fiddle string, your own self!"
"That could be because he's picking up on my tension, Mattie," Beth replied.
"Nuh-huh, I ain't buying that, and I ain't buying any disagreement about DSL either. There's something else going on here! But if you won't tell me, then I'm going to leave you two to fight it out while I go back to my room and do some more reading up on history!"
Beth cast an anguished look at Harm, but received only a blank look in return. Helplessly she turned back to Mattie, "Mattie… I… we… we don't want to shut you out, and yes, there is something I need to discuss with Harm, and it would be very helpful if you could give us the room for a little while, say twenty minutes?"
Mattie, despite her threat to retreat to her room, looked mutinous, but eventually nodded, "Okay… but no keeping me out of the loop, right?"
"Right," Beth and Harm agreed simultaneously.
Somewhat mollified Mattie slid of her stool, ostentatiously looked at her watch and said with heavy emphasis, "Twenty minutes, right?"
"Right!" and again the answer was a perfectly synchronised chorus of two.
With a sniff for emphasis, Mattie crossed to the apartment door and let herself out, leaving Beth and Harm facing each other uncomfortably across the breakfast bar.
"So… What's up with you?" Harm got the first shot in.
"What's up with you?" Beth shot back.
"Hey, I asked first!" Harm exclaimed.
"Yeah… you did…" Beth conceded grudgingly, "But if I come clean then you got to do so too…"
Harm nodded, "Go on then… you lead, and I'll follow suit…"
"No shyster tricks?" Beth asked dubiously.
"Hey, Skates, when did we stop trusting each other?" Harm asked, deliberately using her call sign to remind her of the trust they shared.
"We… we didn't… did we?" Beth whispered.
"God, no. At least not on my part!"
"Mine neither, so… so… I'm sorry about that shyster crack, it was a cheap shot…"
"Yeah, it was, and it's so unlike you that it tells me that you are definitely upset about something."
Beth nodded miserably, "Here's the thing Harm, I don't think I can move in with you and Mattie, after all. I know you've already started work on the renovations and all, but…"
"Whoa! Wait up!" Harm yelped as his stomach suddenly felt like lead and his heart sunk down to his boots. "If it's about the money thing, then we can sit down and work something out, even if it's on a pro rata basis, working on our salaries…"
Beth shook her head, her misery still plain to see on her face, "It's not the money thing, Harm, you're right, if it was just that we could come to some sort of arrangement."
Harm shook his head, "I don't get it, if it isn't the money, what is it?"
Beth couldn't meet his eyes, if she had she might have seen the pain there matched hers, "It's you," she mumbled, looking instead down at the remains of the meal in front of her.
"It's what?" Harm asked not having heard her clearly.
"It's you, dammit!" Beth burst out looking up, and as she did so Harm realised that her eyes were brimming with tears. But even then he didn't understand what Beth was trying to say. Equally baffled and exasperated Beth was trying to get Harm to understand what she meant without actually having to say the words, but his seeming obtuseness suddenly broke down the last of her barriers.
"I said it was you! Dammit, Harm, it's always been you! Ever since you saved me from going through the Seahawk's screws, ever since we flew together, ever since you saved my career at my court-martial, ever since the thought of your promise kept me afloat and fighting when we ditched…and then when they brought you in and you were slipping away… Harm, yes, I did jump your bones, in a kinda way, and I did it in front of a compartment full of witnesses, because I couldn't stand the thought of my world without you in it!… Dammit Harm, I've been fighting this… this feeling for years! I thought that moving in here with you and Mattie would be easy. You were my driver, and my friend and I thought that would be enough, but it's not, and I don't think… no… I know I couldn't stand living here with you, feeling the way I do, and knowing that you're still in love with Mac and that you still saw me just as your RIO, almost like a kid sister! Oh! Now look what you've made me do!" Beth ended as she grabbed her crumpled napkin from beside her plate and mopped the tears from her streaming cheeks.
Harm was off his stool and around the end of the bar in a flash, "Oh, Beth, please, please, don't cry… Try to hear me out, please?"
Beth sniffed and nodded.
"Come on," Harm held out a hand to her and she reluctantly took it and let him lead her to the couch, where after she had curled up in one corner, he too sat down, leaving maybe a foot and a half between them.
Once they were settled, Harm asked, "Was there anything else you wanted to get off your chest, or is it now my turn?"
Beth nodded, so Harm taking that as his signal to speak took a deep breath, "First off, Elizabeth Hawkes – hey don't look at me like that! If you get to call me Harmon Rabb, then turn and turnabout is only fair!"
"Dammit Harm! Don't try and turn this into a joke!" Beth snapped.
"Oh, no, Beth this is no joke. So let's start with a couple of your just stated misconceptions. Firstly, I am not still in love with Mac. That boat sailed a long time ago, only I didn't realise that until she said that there will 'never' be an 'us'. I might be Mister Oblivious, but even I can recognise a truth when it bites me on the ass! Secondly, I have never see you as a kid sister, not ever! I have always seen you as a lovely, sexy, desirable young woman, even on the first time we met, when you were in peanut butters complaining that to be one of the guys in the squadron that sometimes you had to give up a bit of what it was to be a woman. And even then I thought 'bullshit', you were still all woman. When I pulled you back on board I couldn't know whether it was you or Marilyn on the end of those rigging lines, but I really hoped it was you because I didn't want it to be you who had gone into the fireball, and I was so glad when I heard your voice, it gave me the strength to pull you in!"
Beth nodded, the tears in her eyes, "I was so scared… and then I felt the lines pulling me up, and I screamed, don't let me fall… and you said I'm not going to drop you!"
"And I'm not going to drop you now! The third point I take issue with is that you say that I only see you as my RIO. Not true. Skates was my RIO back when we flew together… How many times have I called you Skates since the court hearing? And that's deliberate on my part, I call you by your name because I don't just see you as my RIO! Yes you are my friend and yes, I was your driver, but although I'm still your friend, I am not your driver now, I'm just a guy who wants more, much more than friendship…"
"But you never said anything…" Beth said, her eyes beginning to shine, but now with hope instead of tears.
"Of course I didn't. When we first met, it was chance, a one-time thing. Then you brought the flight manuals to JAG and then we flew as a team. You were my RIO, a squadron mate, and the feelings that were developing I had to lock away for both our sakes, there were just too many obstacles… regulations… flying together, being on board ship… if I had let my feelings, which were growing stronger all the time, get the better of me, then we would both have been in a world of hurt. Then you were my client and I was your attorney. Again a forbidden scenario for anything other than professionalism. Then that collection of flying bolts dumped us in the ocean, and practically the last thing I said before you punched out was that I'd see you down there and that I'd look after you… When I couldn't see you in all the dark and the rain and the waves… the thought that you were dying out there was almost more than I could stand… You'd told me you weren't a strong swimmer and when I couldn't see you… Well, I nearly gave up… and then in sick bay I heard you calling me, and I knew I had to go to you, and Beth it didn't matter where you were, in this world or the next, the only thing I could hear was your voice, holding me to my promise, and I don't break promises, so I had to follow your voice to find you…"
Harm broke off for a moment to catch his breath. He wasn't used to letting his feelings and emotions show like that and somehow he felt almost naked in front of Beth whose shining eyes now showed a mix of tears and hope…and, or so Harm hoped, love.… "
Then…" Harm smiled for the first time since before dinner, "Then we had that last flight together over the Superbowl. Okay there was an outside chance of a terrorist threat, but for once it felt like we could just enjoy flying together. I don't know about you, but I had fun that night, and despite where we were and what we were doing and why we were doing it, for the first time in months, sharing that F-14 with you, I felt at peace."
Harm shrugged, "Well… that's it… I'm not very good with words when it comes to talking about feelings, but I really want you to move in here with me and with Mattie, and now maybe that we've cleared the air, we can just sit back and see where things lead us, we can take it as slow as you like… but…"
"Oh, shut up, Harm! You said plenty, more than I ever really hoped you could. Okay, I'll stay, apart from anything else, there's still the original reason. Mattie needs a woman in her life, even if it's just someone to help her with growing up…"
"And is that it?" Harm asked with a sinking heart. He had just, as he thought, laid his own heart for Beth and now it looked like he was going to be doomed to yet further disappointment.
"Of course that's not it, stoopid," Beth smiled blearily, "I like this apartment, it just happens to be home to a man who just almost said he loved me, and if moving in and taking things slow works for him, then I'm pretty damned sure it will work for me too!"
Harm's smile grew, "And does that count as you almost saying that you love me?" he asked teasingly.
"No!" Beth denied, but even her dark colouring couldn't hide the blush that rose to her cheeks, and she instantly contradicted herself, "Oh… Yes, yes it does!" she cried out happily.
"Well I'm glad that's settled," Harm said, so… why don't you come a little nearer and I can dry those tears for you?"
"And how do you intend to do that?" Beth asked, even as she leaned a little closer.
"Like this," Harm replied, reaching out to cup her face in one large hand, while he gently used the ball of his thumb to wipe the tears on her cheeks. "I've just discovered I hate seeing you cry, and I promise that I will do my very best never to give you reason to cry again." He started to release Beth's face, but her hand came up to cover his and hold it in place.
"Harm…" she began, but was interrupted as the door opened.
"Your twenty minutes is up, people!" Mattie cried as he stepped in to the apartment, looking first at the breakfast counter and then belatedly across at the couch, just as Beth let go of Harm's hand and he dropped his from her face, both of them, in Mattie's opinion, looking remarkably guilty. "What have you two been up…" but then as she got nearer the smile left her face, "Beth! You've been crying!" she said in horror and turned accusing eyes on Harm, "What did you do?"
"Oh, Mattie, Mattie, no. Harm didn't do anything, and yes, I've been crying, but these are happy tears."
"H'mph!" Mattie snorted as she dropped gracelessly into one of the armchairs that stood diagonally to the couch, "First time I've ever heard of anyone crying 'cause they're happy!"
"Whether you've heard of them or not, Mattie, it doesn't change them. They are happy tears."
"Okay… so… You and Harm talked things out?" Mattie asked her eyes flicking from one to the other.
"Yes, we sorted out a misunderstanding, and I'm happy, very happy to say that Beth will still be moving in with us, just as soon as I can get her room ready."
"Okay," Mattie repeated, this time less uncertainly and slightly happier, "So what was the bug that got up your as… uh… noses?" she hurriedly amended her sentence half-way through.
"Past baggage," Harm answered somewhat uneasily, he was still coping with Beth's revelation and the emotional drain he'd felt trying to explain to the petite brunette now sharing the couch with him, how his feelings about her had altered.
"That tells me nothing!" Mattie complained.
"Well… it's like this…" Beth began, shooting a quelling glance at Harm as it seemed he was about to interrupt her, "For all the time we've known each other we've been friends and co-workers. First Harm saved my life, and then he saved my career…"
"He saved your life? Wow! You gotta tell me how he did that!"
"Maybe at some other time, Mats," Harm said, "For now, you want to know what happened this evening, right? Or we can go back over old history and we'll eventually get around to what happened tonight in about… oh… say a year or two's time. By which time we'll have probably forgotten!"
"Like that's ever going to happen!" Beth murmured, just loud enough for Harm to hear, but too quietly even for Mattie's keen ears.
Harm almost smothered a laugh, which ended up as a peculiar grunting snort, drawing a curious expression to Mattie's face, but Beth hurriedly cut in before the conversation got side-tracked again. "Here's the thing, over the years we've gradually come to… to… develop a deep affection for each other, almost without us knowing it. You see, because of regulations…we couldn't admit to those feelings, not even to ourselves… I mean we were flying together, serving aboard the same ship, then Harm was my defence attorney… all that meant that we couldn't allow ourselves the luxury of non-platonic feelings, except maybe once, and Harm was unconscious, so it didn't really count…"
"The night you jumped my bones?" Harm murmured, earning him a red-cheeked glare from Beth. But this time Harm's voice did carry to Mattie's ears, and a huge grin split her face.
"Damn! I knew it!"
"Knew what?" Harm demanded.
"Like… I knew you two were attracted to each other. I almost had it figured the day we came back here from court. And then at the Roberts' party when you paid Skates that compliment about her dress…"
"That's true," Beth said thoughtfully, interrupting Mattie, "And you've never complimented me on my dress before…"
"That's because I've never seen you in a dress before! Oh, I've seen you in Mess Dress and both sets of Whites and Service Dress, but usually I've seen you in a flight suit, or your workout gear, I've even seen you getting into your flight suit in the locker room aboard, but until that party, I'd never seen you in a dress!"
"Finished?" Mattie asked acidly, "And since that party there have been so many clues, you give yourselves away. You both do it, when you think the other's not looking, you look at them and when you do there's such a look on your faces! I know you tried to cover it up by teasing, but I know you Harm, you only tease the people you have strong feelings for. You tease me most of the time, but that's okay, because I love you and you love me. Now I've seen and heard you tease Skates, so that must…"
"Whoa! Power down, Squirt!" Harm interrupted her, "Yes, I do have deep feelings about Beth, but we're not near to doing anything other than sharing these apartments – or this apartment when I've finished working on it – them! We both have a lot of readjusting to do. So you, like us, will just have to wait and see, and if anything between Beth and myself does change then you'll be the third one to know!"
"The third!?" Mattie exclaimed indignantly, "The third!?"
"Of course," Beth answered, catching the pass Harm had thrown, "Harm and I will be the first two to know…"
"Damn! Now you're doing it too!" Mattie said mournfully.
"Doing what, Mattie?" Harm asked in a voice of mock concern
"Teasing me! That's what she's doing!"
"Only because I love you," Beth assured her.
"Exactly! That's exactly what I meant when…"
"Mattie, it's not quite as simple as that… Sure there aren't any regulations in the way now, but there are years of friendship, companionship, trust, loyalty all at stake. What if we've got it wrong? How could we ever go back to what we had before? So there's so much to lose if we part on bad terms…"
Mattie blinked, and looked at Harm, "You're afraid of losing Beth as a friend? And you Beth?"
"Yeah, I've got pretty much the same fear."
Mattie looked exasperatedly at the two so-called adults in her life and shook her head despairingly. "So what now?"
"Well… before you came back in, we decided we were going to take things slowly, so I suppose that means we start dating, and see where that leads us?" Harm cocked an inquiring eyebrow at Beth.
She nodded, "That's about what I figured… There's only one more fly in the ointment that I can see…"
"And what's that?" Harm asked, an edge of concern in his voice.
"Where are we going to find a baby-sitter for her?" Beth asked with a nod in Mattie's direction.
"A baby sitter?" Mattie almost howled. "A baby sitter! Oh, I am so going to pay you back for that!" she managed before she collapsed into giggles at the absurdity of Beth's question.
"H'mm, better watch out Beth, she is a red-head, and they're famous for their tempers, and you know what they say about pay back?"
"So I should be worried?" Beth chuckled at the still giggling Mattie.
"I should say so," Harm agreed.
"But I'll have you to protect me, won't I?" Beth grinned, sounding anything but defenceless.
"As if you need me for that!" Harm scoffed.
"Well, I don't, not really, but the illusion of being protected might be nice."
"You mean like this?" Harm asked, and greatly daring he looped a long arm around Beth's shoulder and gave a gentle tug.
With a smile and a sigh Beth closed her eyes and nodded as she allowed herself to slide towards Harm until her head rested lightly against Harm's shoulder, "M'mm… just like that!"
"I knew it! I damn well knew it!" Mattie exulted.
Beth's eyes flew open and she and Harm exchanged a fleeting look before they both turned their heads to face the excited teenager, "Language, Mattie!" they chorused.
"Okay… sorry," Mattie said, but she sounded remarkably unrepentant and took a deep breath, "So now we've sorted that out, what next?"
"For you, my girl, what's next is a shower and get ready for bed, and then you can come back in here for a mug of chocolate, while Beth and I occupy ourselves with the overdue task of policing the kitchen!"
"Ouch!" Beth winced, "I was hoping you'd forget about that…"
"Wouldn't have time in the morning," Harm demurred, and then adopted what he hoped was a cherubic expression, "Besides… cleanliness is next to Godliness!"
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Harm returned the sentry's salute and then drew a deep breath as the gates of the Navy Yard brig closed behind him. It was, he knew, a requirement that all potential recruits had either gained a high school diploma or passed the GED, but he was beginning to wonder if that actually was the case, or the Navy was the subject of some secret biological or chemical attack that was lowering the intelligence of its sailors. Certainly, Seaman Harold Wilson didn't seem realise the gravity of his offence, or maybe he just didn't care, whichever the case was, when Harm pointed out to him that missing movement was a serious matter the boy – he was little more than that had just shrugged his shoulders and grumbled, "'Tweren't a Christian thing ter do. Orderin' us ter sea on Jesus Christ's Birthday… Iffen I done wrong, 'Mander, then I reckon I'll jest hev ter tek muh whuppin'"
While Harm sympathised with the young man, his total lack of penitence for his crime – and according to the UCMJ, missing movement was a crime – was frustrating to say the least. The only strategy Harm could come up with, given his client's attitude was one of the youngster's religious sensibilities being offended by the timing of the order. Of course, that he had initially been arrested, roaring drunk, by the civilian police in Fredericksburg was going to make that strategy pretty much of a non-starter. No, the only thing that might salvage something from this mess was a pre-trial agreement that might keep the sailor in the Navy, although some brig time was a certainty.
Shaking off the dispiriting effect of the interview and putting it behind him for the moment, Harm drew a second deep breath he still had fish to fry here this morning, and strode briskly through the Navy Yard en route to the bosun's shed.
"May I help you, sir?"
Harm had only just entered the shed when he was accosted by a BM2, returning the Petty Officer's salute, Harm nodded and said, "Yeah, you can… Is there a Chief around this morning?"
"Yes, sir! He's in his office, over yonder, at the far left corner of the shed, sir."
Harm nodded again, "Thank you, BM Two!"
Knocking on the door Harm was bid to enter and as he did so Bosun's Mate Chief Petty Officer Hanratty sprang to his feet. "At ease, Chief, I'm here unofficially and looking for a favour."
The Chief nodded, this was by no means an isolated occurrence, "You'd best take a seat then, sir, and tell me how I can help you?"
Harm quickly explained what he was doing and what his needs were. He needed some sort of jib or crane to lower heavy loads three stories so the contents of builders' bags could be transferred to a builders' dumpster. He would also, he pointed out delicately, need the help of four, maybe six brawny sailors to hail on ropes and guide the loaded bags into position over the skip.
Hanratty nodded, "In theory, it could be done. When would you want to do this?"
"Given that it gets dark pretty early this time of year, I reckon a Saturday would be best all round. I would of course make sure that any sailors would be adequately compensated for say three hours' work – after the jib is rigged."
"And what sort of compensation would you be having in mind, sir?"
"Oh… say… half a case of Wild Turkey between the sailors."
Hanratty nodded, payment in kind would be stretching the regulations, but a cash payment would definitely come under the heading of a financial transaction and then fall foul of the fraternisation regulations. "If you could let me have the address, sir, I'll make a recon… this evening, if that's convenient to you, that way I'll know exactly what's needed."
"Thank you, Chief, say… eighteen thirty hours?"
"Aye, that would be grand, sir."
"Here you are then, Chief… my cell number is on the back." Harm handed Hanratty one of his cards
"Until, eighteen thirty, sir!" Hanratty made to rise as Harm stood up, but Harm shook his head.
"Your kingdom, Chief! Thanks!"
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After a snack lunch at Cathy's Cookie Corner Harm headed back to JAG to write up his notes and try to hammer out a plea bargain with Carolyn Imes on Wilson's behalf, not that he really expected her to go for a pre-trial agreement, but he was duty bound to do so… even if the religious sensibility play didn't work, a thought had occurred to him over lunch. A trial could well attract media attention and he was pretty sure that the Navy would take a dim view of its insensitivity, notwithstanding operational requirements, being broadcast to the nation, and possibly even making international news.
That of course, as Harm silently acknowledged, was blackmail, but if it worked, he was prepared to make it do so. Grinning at his thoughts, he pushed open the doors to the bull pen and headed for his office, when a cold voice made stop and turn.
"Been looking after your waif and stray again, Commander?"
His smile gone and his face set in a grimly unamused expression. "No, Colonel, I have been… oh the hell with it!" he turned on his heel again and continued on his way to his office.
Mac went white at the very public snub Harm hand just handed her and glared around at the spectators of the very brief encounter, who all suddenly seemed absorbed in their work. With a final glare all round the Marine switched her attention back to the tall figure of Harm who had unlocked his office and was now hanging his cover on the coat tree just inside the door.
Mac stormed across the bull pen and strode into Harm's office without even pausing for a courtesy knock, "How dare you turn your back on me!" she spat.
"Why not, Mac?" Harm drawled lazily as he seated himself behind his desk. "After all, that's exactly what you did to me when I asked you for your help in getting guardianship of Mattie…No… wait…. You actually turned your back on me in Paraguay, didn't you?"
"What!?" Mac exclaimed in outrage, "I did no such thing!"
"Well, yes, you did. Both physically and metaphorically. The instant I cut you loose from that table, you literally turned your back on me and ran to kiss and comfort Webb, and then what was it, oh, yes, 'there will 'never' be an 'us'. I call that pretty conclusively turning your back.
"So this…" Mac waved a hand in the vague direction of the bull pen, "was some sort of petty revenge?"
"No, actually, it was to try to save you from making a bigger fool of yourself than God already did!" Harm gritted out, all laziness vanished from his voice and his face once more set in a stern mask.
"What!?" Mac almost literally howled, "What the fuck are you talking about!?"
"Take a look, Colonel, and then if you really want to continue this debate, I suggest you shut the door – on which I didn't hear you knock by the way – and at least preserve the fiction that you can act with decency and decorum."
Mac's face, previously white with rage now turned red with embarrassment as she saw the frankly interested faces of the bull pen staff almost exclusively focussed on her. Shutting the door with a bang that wasn't quite a slam, she yanked savagely on the pull cord bringing the blinds rattling down.
"There!" she spat at Harm, "Happier now?"
"Quite honestly, Mac, I don't give a two cent cuss how big a fool you make of yourself, but there you go… Now, do you want to tell me what this is all about? You've been acting like a bear with a sore head since before Christmas! So, tell me Sarah Catherine MacKenzie, just what particular hair is stuck up your ass now?"
"What particular hair? It's you damn it, Rabb! I'm sick and tired of everyone around here looking up at you as if you were some sort of golden boy! Even the Admiral had to grovel to you before you would accept reinstatement! But I know you better than that Harmon Rabb. You're a decent lawyer and a half decent officer, but as a human being you're a failure! Have you ever wondered why at gone forty you're still single? Because you can't make a commitment, and mixed up with that you're too possessive! You stifle everyone who gets close to you with your damned obsessions and you drain all the joy out of life! No wonder everyone with a lick of sense runs shrieking from you! Annie Pendry, Jordan, Renee – hah! Renee even preferred a goddamned mortician to you! And even your own brother ran away from you, back to Russia, of all shit-holes, after you lost interest in him! See, you can't commit, and now you've adopted this… this… girl! I've said it before and I'll say it again, you're a bad son and you'll be a bad father! How long until you lose interest in her, just as you did Sergei!?"
"Finished, Mac?" Harm asked icily.
"Finished? Hell no!" Mac retorted, too worked up to see the angry grey tint appear in Harm's eyes. "Now I hear that you've set up house with that midget who flew with you and that mouthy teenager, very cosy!" she sneered, "But how long before they run away or you drop them because you've found another 'worthy cause'!? Or how long before the little slut robs you blind and disappears over the horizon!?"
Harm wasn't quite sure who Mac meant by 'little slut', but either way it didn't matter. This time she had gone too far.
"All right, Mac you've asked for it and now you're going to get it!" Mac stopped in mid tirade and looked at him and for the first time she saw the cold rage in his eyes and instinctively, although she knew that Harm would never lay violent hands on a woman, stepped back.
"First off, my relations with my mother and my step father are none of your damned business. Every family has its own dynamic, and if it works for that family, then fine! And just how long is it, MacKenzie, since you spoke with your mother? Five, six years? So how good a daughter does that make you? And then by your reasoning, you'll make a lousy mother too, so maybe you and I need to thank God we never fulfilled our baby deal! And while we're on the subject of families, Mattie Grace, is she the little slut you mentioned? Mattie Grace is fifteen years old, just the age you were when your mother walked out on you and your abusive drunk of a father, but her mother didn't desert her; her mother was killed, by her drunken father. But Mattie has more moral courage in her little finger than you possess in your whole body; she didn't turn to the bottle for comfort. She took on the burden of her mother's company and did her damnedest to keep it afloat. She grew up overnight, which is more than some people have managed in nearly forty years! And to think the Admiral called me Peter Pan! Oh, and talking about drink, I hear Webb's hitting the bottle pretty hard these days, how's that working out for you Mac?""
"How dare…"
"How dare I? How dare I speak the truth after all these years of turning a blind eye to it! Easy, Mac, your pettiness, your bitchiness has very effectively stripped the scales from my eyes, and now you've realised that I've seen you for what you are, you've also realised that I don't need to depend on you anymore, or more accurately, I'm not going to be there for you to depend on to be your fall-back guy, when you're next relationship goes belly up. I'm free of you Mac, I don't need you in my life any longer, and actually, I'm glad about that, because quite frankly I don't want you in my life any longer. I should have seen the writing on the wall when you fell off the wagon after Lowne was killed, you said some pretty foul things at the time, but I just put that down to the drink talking. But I knew, even back then, although I tried to deny it, that drink doesn't make you say things you don't mean, it only loosens your inhibitions so that you do say what you mean, even if you didn't mean to say it! The Romans had a saying for that, 'in vino veritas' – in wine the truth. If I'd had a lick of sense I would have cut you loose then and saved myself seven or eight years of heart ache and heart break, because despite my loyalty to you over the years, you've never shown me anything remotely comparable. Oh, yeah, you followed me to Russia, and yes, you saved my ass a couple of times, but I've done pretty much the same for you, so by my reckoning that cancels each other out. But loyalty in the deeper sense of the word? You never gave it me Mac, never. The Singer case, remember, the first question you asked me was did I do it? Mac, when you were charged with killing your husband, I never once even asked myself that question about you. I took it for granted that you weren't capable of murder. And then the lies were uncovered, the perjury, the adultery, Christ, if I'd pressed a little harder, would you have slept with me too? No, if I have discovered loyalty it's come from Elizabeth Hawkes. She hasn't just saved my life a couple of times, she's held it in her hand each and every time we've climbed into a cockpit, just as I've held her life in mine. And yes, I have saved her life, hell you were there, the night Isaacs had that ramp strike, Beth went over the side and her chute caught on the safety netting, and… hell, I don't have to say any more, like I said, you were there! Her loyalty and support has been tried and tested in ways you could never imagine! Even with the guardianship of Mattie, without really being asked, she stepped up to the plate for me, and that after a two year gap when we hadn't seen each other and at best exchanged a couple of e-mails. So you tell me Mac, have you got that sort of loyalty in you? I don't think so! So, Colonel, unless you have anything further to say or any other diatribes that you want to lavish on me, I suggest you get the hell out of my office, and next time knock before you come in!"
Once more white faced, Mac shot Harm a look so full of hate that for a moment he was shocked by what he saw but he shook his head, and his patience frayed, snapped, "Go, get out!"
Mac whirled on her heel and flung the door open, pausing only to say, "I won't forget this Rabb!" leaving Harm shaking with the effects of an adrenalin rush, before stalking off across the bull pen and trying her best to ignore the wide opened eyes and gaping mouths of the support staff.
However, one pair of eyes from the bull pen watched her progress not with the frank curiosity of the others but with worry and concern.
Another pair of eyes, these dark and at the moment as hard as pebbles with a mixture of concern and anger, watched from a doorway as Mac crossed the floor to her own office, the door of which she slammed almost hard enough to shatter the glass. The owner of the eyes turned and said, "Coates, set your buzzer for twenty minutes, and then pass the word for Colonel MacKenzie to report to me ASAP!"
Jen, her face as impassive as her chief's replied stoically "Aye, aye, sir!" It appeared to the young woman that although she had not yet finished her degree in psychology, Lieutenant colonel MacKenzie was having a psychotic break and once the admiral had closed his door behind him she shook her head in sympathetic concern.
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"Colonel MacKenzie, reporting as ordered, sir!" Mac rapped out in her best Parris Island voice, and waited for the admiral to order her to stand easy. To her shock he didn't do so, but continued to study her through obsidian hard eyes while Mac was constrained to keep her eyes fixed at a point some two feet above her head.
When Chegwidden spoke there was no trace in his voice of the fatherly figure that he had nearly always shown to Mac, even at her Admiral's Mast for perjury. Rather his voice was clipped, cold, and as hard as his eyes.
"Colonel I was privileged to observe the tail end of your little performance some thirty minutes ago, and quite frankly I am not impressed. I blame myself, partly. Instead of insisting at the time that you went through a proper debriefing and had some sort of counselling after what was undoubtedly a traumatic experience, I accepted your word on your return from Paraguay that you were 'fine'. However it has become obvious to me over the last six or seven months, and to practically all the rest of the staff here at JAG Ops over the last thirty minutes or so, that you are not 'fine', you are in fact far from it. As a result your behaviour here in the office and elsewhere has become erratic, not to say irrational, so Colonel MacKenzie I'm going to give you a choice. You can either go on medical leave, starting immediately, during which time you will arrange to undergo counselling either at Bethesda or with a civilian counsellor of your choice, I don't give a damn which, but you will not be permitted to return to duty until you can show that you can control your anger, and can also show the written results of a satisfactory psych eval, which will be performed at Bethesda. Or, you can choose instead to face charges of conduct unbecoming and conduct to the prejudice of good order and discipline. Or you can resign and proceed immediately on terminal leave until such time as your resignation is approved – and I can assure you that it will be – and finalised! So, Colonel, which is it to be?"
"But, sir, you don't understand… He turned his back on me, I couldn't let that go…"
"For what it's worth, Colonel, I have spent the last twenty minutes talking to witnesses who saw what happened. They all agree that you jumped Commander Rabb the second he walked into the bull pen, almost, one of them said, as if you'd been lying in wait for him. And yes, they all agree that Commander Rabb walked away from you, away from a potential public argument between two of my ranking attorneys! And I am damned glad that at least one of you had the sense to do that. But that wasn't enough for you! Witnesses also say that you stormed into his office looking as if you were 'spoiling for a fight'. If so, then from the little I saw and heard, you certainly got one, and from the look on your face, which I saw for myself, when you left Commander Rabb's office, it was a fight in which you came second. So you see, Colonel, I am not in the mood to listen to any attempts at justification of your behaviour, nor any explanation or excuse. All I am interested in is your choice of the three alternatives which I have just laid out for you!"
Mac broke protocol and dropped her eyes to stare in horror at her CO, "Sir, if I go into therapy that will be the end of my career!"
"Not necessarily, Colonel. What will be the end of your career is facing charges of conduct unbecoming or your resignation! Colonel, I suspect this irrational change in your behaviour is the product of PTSD. The navy is much more understanding of that condition these days even if it doesn't fully understand it! My advice Colonel, is that irrespective of any effect counselling might have on your career, you do undertake it for your own sake! Well, what is to be?"
"I'll… I'll… take the counselling, sir," Mac replied miserably.
"Very well, Colonel, clear your desk and bring any open cases you have to Coates, I'll look through them and hand them over to the other attorneys at Staff Call!"
He hesitated a few moments before adding in a much gentler tone, "Mac, good luck. I know you hate me right now, but it is for your sake I'm doing this before you have a meltdown somewhere and in front of someone wholly inappropriate."
"Sir!" was all the answer that Mac could manage.
With a sigh Chegwidden shook his head, "Dismissed, Colonel!"
"Aye, aye, sir!" Mac said stiffly and turning about face she marched out of the office.
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Harm's hands were still perceptibly shaking when he secured at fifteen hundred hours in order to collect Mattie from school. It had been many, many years since he had lost his temper to that degree and the experience had left him unhappy and upset both with himself for losing control and with Mac for provoking him to that degree. But he'd had it with that damned woman. And in face of her capacity for self-delusion it was time that somebody forced her to face facts and for once take responsibility for herself. He was sick and tired of her shenanigans, and if this afternoon's tantrum – from both of them, he recognised ruefully – meant that in future she'd leave him alone, then the afternoon wasn't such a complete disaster after all. Although it still felt like one.
Mattie was bubbling over with comment about her day and for the first few minute of the drive home she chattered happily about a couple of new friends she'd made, one, the blonde girl with whom Harm had seen her yesterday was Susan Smithfield, she was from a Marine family, her brother was serving now, and her father had been a Marine, and then there was Andre, a black guy who was mad keen on joining the Navy and wanted to go the academy. Mattie hoped he would; it would be great if they ended up in the same year, wouldn't it? After all, Harm had told her about how great it was to have friends at Annapolis. But in the face of Harm's abstracted and stern expression and his patent lack of interest in what Mattie was saying her stream of talk dried up and half turning in her seat she said, "Hey, Harm, what's wrong? You've hardly said a word, and I don't believe you heard a word of what I've been saying!"
Harm shook his head and smiled wearily, "Sorry, Squirt, some work stuff has got me a bit bothered, but I'll be okay later. A bit of physical exercise will do a lot to help me get back on proper form, so why don't you leave telling us about your day until dinner? Then you can tell me and Beth at the same time. It'll save you having to repeat yourself," he added with a flash of mordant humour.
"But if I tell you and Beth at dinner, then I'll still be repeating what I've just said," Mattie pointed out with remorseless logic.
"Well, that's true," Harm admitted, "But Beth won't know that, and I'm pretty certain that if you don't tell her, then I won't."
Mattie nodded, she had never see Harm in quite so dark a mood, not even after the first time the admiral, the mean, old, bald jerk had come to see him at Charlottesville. "Okay, but this time you've got to listen!"
"That's a promise, Squirt," Harm pledged with a better attempt at a smile.
On arrival at the apartment, Harm banished Mattie to go and do her homework while he changed into his working gear and rummaged through the back of the store closet for his sledge hammer, a solid seven pounds of forged iron at the end of a four feet long hickory shaft.
Grunting with appreciation of its weight and purpose, he propped it against the wall that divided the two apartments while he removed the couple of pictures from the wall. Measuring off the length of the wall he found the centre point and quickly tapped a nail into place before taking a length of string, one end looped around a carpenter's pencil and the other looped around the nail. He drew a semi-circle on the wall, then hefting the hammer he took a couple of half-swings to loosen his shoulder muscles before stepping up to the wall to bring the hammer round with a resounding crash smack dab in the middle of the semi-circle.
The plaster covering the wall cracked in a radiating pattern and a large chunk flew of the wall from the point of impact and a startled feminine shriek sounded from the other side of the wall.
Mattie had been sitting, pen in hand trying to work out what the underlying message of Kate Chopin's book, 'The Awakening' was. She wasn't having much luck as she quickly read through what was in reality a short story, the only feeling she experienced was dissatisfaction at what she considered to be an extremely lame ending which left nothing resolved.
The crash of Harm's hammer on the far side of the wall echoed like a huge drum beat in the second apartment, and for a sickening moment Mattie thought that the building was about to collapse. A second blow made her jump again and in disgust she threw down her pen and stormed out of the apartment and across the hall. Normally she knocked before entering, but on this occasion, as another series of lows resounded through the walls she decided that Harm probably wouldn't hear her, so she cautiously opened the door and the sneezed as the drifting plaster dust attacked her nostrils.
"Harm!" she yelled.
"Huh? What? Oh… Mattie, I thought you were doing your homework," Harm said.
"I was until you tried to collapse the wall on me!" she replied hotly. "I know it's got to be done, but a little warning might have helped, and look! You've got plaster dust and bits and pieces everywhere!"
Harm grinned somewhat sheepishly, even the five minutes work he had done had gone a long way to work off the frustration that had built up during the afternoon.
"I guess this is what the judge meant when she said I'd be living in a construction site," the teenager said mournfully as she sat on the couch, and then drew a line with her fingertip through the fine layer of dust that already coated the coffee table, "And God knows what Beth's going to say when she sees this!"
That thought hadn't occurred to Harm and he stared at Mattie with dawning horror on his face.
"Exactly!" Mattie said with extreme satisfaction.