To Hell and Back
Chapter 14
Mac stared in almost horror at the smiling young Corpsman and for a split second the urge to just turn and run, to get the hell out of here and never come back was almost overwhelming, but by consciously stiffening her knees and straightening her shoulders she overcame the urge. She was not going to run away in front of enlisted personnel, especially when the one in question was Navy and knew Mac to be a Marine.
But it was still though stiff lips that she choked out a "Thank you Corpsman!"
The young women looked up at Mac, there was something in the officer's voice, "Ma'am. Are you alright, ma'am?"
"No… I mean yes, I'm fine… it's just that I took the stairs instead of the elevator, and I just need a few seconds to get myself back together, thank you."
"Aye, aye, ma'am!" Mac's answer had just confirmed the young woman's suspicions: Marines were all crazy. The psychological/psychiatric unit was on P Deck, sixteen floors above ground level.
"I'll give you a minute or so catch your breath, then Colonel, and then I'll let Commander Elgin know you're here." She paused, "Are you quite sure you don't want a coffee?"
"No, no coffee, thank you," Mac said with a grimace that might charitably be called a smile. 'What I'd really like is a tonic water, with ice and a twist of lemon… oh, yeah… and a hefty slug of vodka – And that's not going to happen either!'
Mac took a seat in one of the easy chairs that lined the waiting area, 'And why is that?' she asked herself. Great care was taken so that there would be a gap between individual patients, so that they shouldn't accidentally see someone else, someone they knew, who was receiving counselling, yet the outer office was fitted out just like a regular waiting room.
With these and other random thoughts, Mac sought to ease the chaos in her mind, but it wasn't working. There, in the back of her mind she could hear the jeers, the laughter, the taunts of men whom she had thought she could trust. Strangely it wasn't even the laughter and jibes of the man on whom she had the most reason to depend, it was the absence of one man that hurt. Never mind that Joe MacKenzie had betrayed his parental trust. It seemed that Harmon Rabb hadn't even cared enough to show up for the re-enactment of her most horrific and traumatic experience!
Mac was still in the grip of the wave of anger that rushed over her in the wake of that realisation when the young Corpsman returned, bearing a loaded tray. She dropped one mug of coffee off on her own desk and then balancing the tray in one hand she gently knocked on Inez Elgin's door and then opening it took the coffee tray in with her and then reappeared less than a minute later, "Commander Elgin will see you now, ma'am; if you'd like to go through?"
No, Mac didn't like, but she bit her bottom lip, nodded stiffly and as stiffly got to her feet and walked across the waiting area floor and through the door held open for her by the too damned helpful Corpsman. Inez Elgin was in her feet as Mac entered, pouring a mug of coffee from the jug. "Good afternoon, Colonel, how do you take yours? Sugar and creamer?"
Mac was so taken aback that she answered automatically, "Uh… just sugar, thank you."
"Good, take your coat off and take a seat," Inez invited her, covertly watching her patient as she pretended to concentrate on pouring the two mugs of coffee.
'Colonel Mackenzie does not look well.' Inez Elgin thought as she carried the two mugs of coffee around her desk, handing one to Mac before she took up her usual perch on the corner of her desk. 'She looks tired… but there's more than that… there's a brittleness… and she looks… scared? Is that the right word? Yeah, I reckon it is.'
Inez took a sip of her coffee and nodded appreciatively, "Damn, Corpsman Lee makes a damned good cup of coffee, doesn't she, Colonel?"
Mac who had yet to touch her coffee, and was in fact staring at it, as if wondering how having twice refused a cup of the beverage, she now had a mug full of coffee in her hand, "Huh? Oh…" was about the best reply she came up with, and to cover her confusion took a sip of her drink and found that the annoying blonde shrink was right, "This is damned good coffee!" she agreed after swallowing.
"So at least, we're on the same side of the fence when it comes to Lee's coffee!" Inez smiled, and then her smile faded as she asked, "How are you feeling today, Colonel?"
Mac's defences went up immediately, "Fine!" she snapped.
Inez appeared intently interested in the contents of her coffee cup, but said mildly, "Now, Colonel why do you think I'm having trouble in believing that?"
"I don't know what you mean!" Mac protested.
"I think you do, Colonel. When you came in you were about as tightly stretched as a fiddle string, and you're no better now. Your eyes are red, and you have pouches below your eyes, and it seems like you are only just about holding on to your temper. In any other patient, I would diagnose a hangover, but that's not true, not in your case is it, Colonel?" Inez finished gently.
Mac shook her head, "No, it is not! I told you, the one slip I had, when I fell off the wagon made me more determined never to fall again!"
"That's a very commendable position to take," Inez agreed, "But it's a tough one to hold."
"Yeah… well… you know what they say, 'one day at a time'."
"Yes, I know," Inez agreed sympathetically. "So, having ruled out a hangover, what would you say if I suggested that you were suffering from a lack of sleep?"
"I'd say 'what would you expect?' You dragged me though the worst experience I ever suffered, and you're surprised I didn't sleep last night?"
"Yes… I am a little. Yesterday must have been emotionally exhausting for you, and I would mostly expect you to have collapsed almost the instant you got home… but you didn't do that, did you?"
"Of course not! I keep telling you, I'm not some goddamned damsel in distress, I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself."
"Except for when you're in a vulnerable position, and the one person you turn to for help, the one person who should have had your back betrayed you in the worst way possible. I mean, of course, your father."
"Yeah, well, he's dead now. So let's just leave him out of this conversation shall we?" Mac asked with some bitterness.
"How did he die?" Inez asked.
"He drank himself to death."
"So… your mother abandoned you, and your father more or less cut you loose." Inez held up a hand to prevent Mac's imminent interruption, "You don't really expect me to believe that after he failed to take action against the guy who raped you that he suddenly became a concerned parent.
"No… no, he didn't," Mac agreed. "But he was, in his own way, proud of me… Oh, not at first, but later…"
"And you know this, how?" Inez asked with real interest.
"Oh… when he was dying he was in a hospice… the priest that ran it found me and said that my father was dying and wanted to see me before he did…. So I went to Fresno…"
"You travelled all the way across country to see your father?" Inez asked, trying to keep the incredulity out of her voice.
"Father Genaro… the priest… was pretty persuasive… and anyway… it was still my father… and he was dying, I figured he couldn't hurt me anymore."
"Did he?"
Mac shook her head, "No… he was in a coma when I arrived, and he never came out of it…."
"Yet you say he was proud of you?"
Mac nodded, and blinked as unbidden tears came to her eyes, "His wallet was stuffed full of newspaper clippings about me… about being commissioned in the Corps… my graduating class list from law school. My magazine appearances… all two of them…anything that he could find out about me through the media… except it was all positive. And the priest said he talked about me a lot before he went into his coma, and he wanted to see me to apologise for everything. But by the time I got there it was too late…"
"And do you blame yourself for that?"
Mac look stunned for a moment, but then nodded, "Yeah… I guess, in a way I do… It's dumb, I know. He never had anything to do with me after I got married… and if he had all those clippings about me, then he knew where to find me if he'd wanted to get in touch. So, I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but even though I forgave him, I do…"
"And has that forgiveness been altered by your memory of what happened to you at his so-called friend's hands?"
Mac shook her head, but to Inez' mind she looked troubled, "No… well… at least I don't think so…Last night it bothered me that he was there. Well of course it… oh…"
"What about last night, Sarah?" Inez asked gently, "Where was he that bothered you?"
Mac glared at her but then decided to pass the whole thing off lightly, "Oh, it was just a dumb dream. Talking about the attack yesterday… well… I kinda relived it last night… In a dumb dream like I said."
'Ah-ha!' Inez thought with fierce satisfaction, 'Maybe, just maybe, we're beginning to make some progress.' "And this dream… is it one you have frequently?"
Mac shook her head. "I had a few nightmares after the attack, but I haven't really thought about it in years…"
Inez nodded, 'No, and that doesn't surprise me. This, Colonel MacKenzie is just another episode about which you are in denial.' Instead she suggested, "Why don't you tell me about the dream?"
"And have it again tonight? No thanks!" Mac said bitterly.
"But it was just a 'dumb dream', you said. Where can be the harm in that? Besides, telling it over might be a good way to prevent it from ever coming back. Get it out into the open, make it face daylight and see it shrivel up," Inez went on remorselessly.
Mac put her now empty coffee cup with some force, that for a moment both she and Inez thought it might break. For long seconds they stared at the cup and then their eyes met. Inez still said nothing, but merely quirked an eyebrow.
Mac found herself reddening under that cool, impersonal gaze, and averting her eyes mumbled "Sorry."
"That's alright, Sarah, there's no harm done, nothing broken." Inez said calmly and then swallowed the last of her coffee before she deliberately, carefully placed the mug out of harm's way on the desk behind her. "Now, what was this dream all about?"
Mac shrugged and then ran up a metaphorical white flag, "Alright. I lived through the rape again. I could feel him, smell, him feel the pain… but all the men I've ever known… they were there too… they were standing round the bed, laughing, taunting me, cat-calling, calling me foul names…"
"As if they were joining in the rape?" Inez asked.
"No! They didn't… but… yeah, I suppose in a way…Oh, my God!"
"What?" Inez asked sharply.
Mac looked confused for a second and then shook her head, "It wasn't all the men… Harm… I mean Rabb wasn't there. He didn't even care enough about to come and watch my total humiliation…"
"Or he wasn't there because he's never raped you, metaphorically as well as physically speaking?"
"Uh… I suppose… but… why wouldn't he… I mean he's shown beyond all doubt that he doesn't like me, and that he doesn't consider me as a friend anymore, so why wouldn't he be there?"
"H'mm, of all the men that stood around that bed, how many of them had tried at some stage or another to dictate to you… tell you what to wear… tell you where to go, what to do, what to say… even what to think?"
"Uh, none of them! I wouldn't let them!"
"Are you sure, Sarah? You said all the men you've ever known… your father? Was he there?"
"Uh… yes… but why?"
"Why was your father there? Well, before we go into that, tell me who else was there…"
"Uh… Eddie my drinking buddy… Chris, my husband… John Farrow my CO from Okinawa… Dalton Lowne, the guy who head hunted me for his law firm… Detective Coster… now he did try to control me. He stalked me for weeks and finally kidnapped me… Then there was Mic Brumby my once fiancé… and yeah he did try to mold me into someone I'm not…"
"How was that, Sarah?"
"I… uh… I didn't see at the time, but he used emotional blackmail to get me to do what he wanted. We had quite a torturous beginning to our relationship. He tried to have me convicted of murder…"
"But you ended up engaged to him?"
"Um, yeah… we very nearly got married too… But, thinking back it was all his idea. After our first date, our first couple of days together he bought me a ring, and said if I couldn't wear it on my left to wear as a friendship ring on my right. Then he had to go back to Australia. The next thing I knew he was back in the states, to be with me. He had resigned his navy commission and moved halfway across the world to be with me. It was kind of flattering at first, but then every time we had a disagreement, and when I hesitated about getting married, he flung that in my face…" Mac ended her sentence on a wondering tone, as if that thought had just occurred to her.
Inez nodded gravely, "I see… and the others around the bed?"
"Well, Eddie … I don't know whether he tried to control me, but he was the one who was always ready for another drink. Even the night he died, there was a brown bag on the driver's seat next to him. Chris, well Chris was just hopeless, if I hadn't been a drunk I wouldn't have looked at him twice, but there was a mean streak in him. If he found a weakness in anybody, he'd try to exploit it for his own benefit. It's what got him killed. He tried to blackmail me and John over our affair in Okinawa, and then when we paid him off, he said it wasn't enough… that's when there was a struggle…" Mac's voice faded into silence.
"This John, this was John Farrow, your CO in Okinawa? But you had an affair with him?"
"Um… not quite… The affair between us only started after I'd received orders to attend law school."
"But he still outranked you?"
"Uh… yeah,"
"So he was in a position of control?"
"Well, militarily, yeah, of course, but it wasn't like that when we were just John and Sarah…"
"Wasn't it? I'm sure you believe that, but it's not that easy to shuck off habits of obedience the same way you'd shuck off your uniform when you get home at the end of the day. The thing is Sarah, and you may be wondering why I am probing so deeply into what extent and how much these men tried to control you or pressure you into doing what they wanted you to do, has significance in the light of your dream. You see, Sarah, rape isn't ultimately about sex…"
"Yeah, I know that, it's about control, about having the ability to reach out and grab what's not yours…"
"And the only man not in the crowd around your bed last night was Harmon Rabb. Don't you think perhaps that his absence isn't your sub-conscious telling you that he doesn't care about you, but rather it is telling you that he is, of all the men you have ever been close to, the only one to respect you enough not to try to control you. The only one to allow you to make your decisions. Did he for example ever interfere in your romances, tell you that so and so wasn't good enough for you, try to get you to ditch your current romantic interest?"
"No… no, he didn't. But he didn't exactly welcome them with open arms either!"
"Pretty much the way you treated his girlfriends, then?"
Mac looked shocked, "Oh… I guess I never thought of it that way."
"Well, Sarah, from where I'm sitting, far from Commander Rabb not caring about you, he cared, and maybe still does care, about you, and maybe too much. And after you pushed him away, how many times? He has erected walls through which he is no longer prepared to allow you to pass. And I think that you have been denying, long term, how very much he means to you."
"But…"
"But nothing. Let's circle back a bit, to a few days ago. You mentioned that you'd had some sort of crisis, a personal crisis in Paraguay. Now I understand that the operational aspects of whatever you were doing down there are classified, and I'm not interested in those. What happened between you and Harmon Rabb in Paraguay?"
Mac sat gathering her thoughts, about how she felt when she was strapped to the torture table, how she was mentally preparing herself to go somewhere else once the pain began, and then the overwhelming relief when Harm had burst into the shack an without any hesitation had shot down the would be torturer, and how that relief had turned to anger because she had seemed like that damsel in distress, and with that thought the words started tumbling out of her mouth.
Inez sat and listened for a good twenty minutes as Mac's chaotic memories bubbled to the surface. Not in chronological order, but sprinting ahead, and then circling back as another memory erupted.
"And then I told him, that there could never be an 'us' because we both wanted to be in control, we both wanted to be on top, and that was a physical and emotional impossibility.
Inez was aghast. Sarah Mackenzie had just told her that she considered a man an idiot for giving up everything he had ever worked for all his life for her sake, and had then denied him the last possibility of him ever gaining her love. Now wonder he shut down. No wonder he had erected walls, no wonder he hadn't informed her of his plans to sue for the guardianship of a teenager. The man must indeed have been desperate to go to her and ask for her help in the first place, and once again she had slammed a door in his face. Was it any wonder that he had sought emotional refuge elsewhere? It was also a wonder that Commander Harmon Rabb wasn't seeking therapy on his own account!
Inez became aware that Sarah MacKenzie was looking at her blank faced, as if exhausted by the memory of the emotions she had evoked, but Inez noted her eyes were dry, and there was very little if any, self-recognition in her eyes. "Well, you've certainly given us both a lot to think over, Sarah. So, I think we'll call a halt to proceedings for the day, and I'll see you tomorrow at thirteen thirty hours, again. So go home, relax, and hopefully you'll sleep better tonight than you did last night."
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A J Chegwidden rubbed a hand backward over his hairless scalp and reached for the phone on his desk. Dialling in the number for the Security Desk on the first floor he waited for an answer, which came within four rings.
"Security, Sergeant Hernandez, sir."
"Sergeant, this is Admiral Chegwidden. I need a party assembled immediately to half-mast the Navy ensign."
"Sir! Yes, sir! May I ask…? People will want to know sir," Hernandez finished almost apologetically.
Chegwidden nodded, "Of course. The deceased is Lieutenant Ellis. He died in hospital a few minutes ago as a result of an MVA. I will have a Special Order of the Day published, so for now that should be sufficient."
"Aye, aye, sir!"
Another call yet had to be made.
"Admiral Morris' Office."
"Good morning Legalman One, this is Admiral Chegwidden, patch me though to Admiral Morris, please."
"Aye, aye, sir!"
"A J?"
"Stiles, I'm about to call all hands to a muster in the Ops Bull pen, and I would be most obliged if you could join me in my office at your earliest convenience."
Admiral Morris pursed his lips in a soundless whisper, this was not an everyday occurrence. "Of course, A J, I'm on my way!"
A tap on his door frame alerted A J to a visitor. He took a breath to steady himself and raped out, "Enter!"
Legalman One Coates, her arms filled with Lieutenant Ellis' personnel jacket and the much bulkier OPNAVINSTR entered and walked across the carpet. "The documents you wanted, sir. Sir…" uncharacteristically Jennifer Coates hesitated but then braced her shoulders, "Sir, is Lieutenant Ellis…" but even then she couldn't finish her question.
A J looked up at her and Jen thought that she had never seen him look so old and so tired, "Yes, Jennifer," he said quietly, using her first name, something he very rarely did. "Lieutenant Ellis was hit by a car this morning and died a short while ago."
"I'm sorry," Jen said simply, "He was nice. I liked him."
A J nodded, "Leave that on my desk, please Coates, and then call round all the attorneys who are not in court, and tell them they are to be in the bull pen in five minutes. I'm calling an all hands muster and will make an announcement concerning Lieutenant Ellis then. Later, I will also have a special order if the day drafted, for one of the senior Yeomen type up for my signature. In the meantime, you and I will be going through that…" he nodded at the OPNAVINST, sentence by sentence and clause by clause and we will make damned sure that we will get it right."
A J opened Ellis' personnel jacket and grunted, Ellis was from a small town just outside Detroit, Michigan. That made one aspect of the task simpler. "And Coates, once you've passed the word about the muster, get me a line to the Casualty Assistance Office at Great Lakes."
Jen drew herself up smartly, "Aye, aye, sir!"
Jen's departure was followed quickly by the arrival; of Stiles Morris, whose tap on the door was answered by A J himself opening it. "Come on in, Stiles," he invited his de facto second in command.
The grim note to A J's voice and the tired expression on his face alerted the African American chief judge that something was badly wrong. "What's up, A J?" he asked.
Instead of answering A J in silent invitation swept an arm towards the window behind and to the left of his desk. Stiles, his forehead creased in a frown stepped forward, his keen eyes searching the view, Almost immediately he spotted the Navy Ensign being lowered to half-mast and turning asked simply, "Who?"
"Lieutenant Simon Ellis. Hasn't been with us long. Died at Bethesda a short while ago after being struck by a car earlier this morning. His parents have a hardware store in Royal Oak, Michigan," the former Seal waved vaguely at the open personnel file on his desk.
Morris nodded, "A damn' shame. It's one thing to lose men in war, but to lose an officer because he gets hit by a car…"
"Exactly. I'm having a special order of the day published, but I'm just about to make an announcement in the bull pen. I'd like you to be there to hear what I say, so that you can tell your people upstairs."
"Understood," Stiles Morris agreed.
Chegwidden nodded, "Shall we?" he opened the door to the outer office and turned to Jennifer Coates, "Announce me, please Legalman One."
"Aye, aye, sir!" Jen took a breath and stepped forward into the bull pen, "Admiral on deck!" she called out in a ringing voice.
The subdued murmur of speculation died amongst a clatter of chair legs on the floor as those seated personnel surged to their feet.
A J Chegwidden waited until there was silence and stillness in the room before he cleared his throat, "I have called this muster in order to pass on some very bad news. Earlier today Lieutenant Simon Ellis was struck by a motor vehicle. He was taken to Bethesda for treatment, but his injuries were such that he could not be helped. Lieutenant Ellis died in Bethesda Hospital a short while ago. The Navy Ensign has been half-masted and will fly at half-mast until secure. It will again be flown at half-mast on the day of the Lieutenant's funeral. That is all." And with that he turned on his heel and returned to his office without another word.
For a moment the silence lingered and then the buzz if voices rose to a loud murmur, which threatened to become a roar. And that was too much for one member of staff.
Gunnery Sergeant Galindez was outraged by the loss of proper military decorum and his stentorian bellow of "Still!" brought all talk and movement in the bull pen to an abrupt halt. "An officer has died. You have been told how. So there's no need for idle speculation and scuttlebutt. You all have ten seconds to get your butts in your seats and get back to work, nine… eight… seven…"
Nobody waited to find out what retribution the Gunny had in mind should they not be working at the end of his countdown and by about halfway through there wasn't a sound except the soft whirring of computer cooling fans and the tap, tap, tap of computer keys being struck.
The Gunny gave a snort of satisfaction, and returned to his own seat, sparing a not-quite-veiled and not-quite-baleful-glare for the small knot of officers who stood at the rear of the bull pen.
"He certainly has command presence," Carolyn Imes remarked thoughtfully.
"Indeed he has, and while I deny that a Gunnery Sergeant in the United States Marine Corps has any authority over US Navy Officers, I do believe I'll follow his advice and get my… uh… butt back in my chair!" Adrienne Scott agreed with a half-smile.
"You're just scared of the Gunny!" Carolyn grinned.
"You might think that; I couldn't possibly comment," Adrienne rejoined over her shoulder as she stepped away from the group.
"She does have a point though," Lieutenant Tali Mayfield remarked.
"Ah… Now… I know you're scared of the Gunny!" Carolyn laughed, but even she started to move away from the group.
Tali Mayfield wasn't at all abashed, "I'm not afraid of him – but he has got command presence!" she answered with a grin and then whirled away for the sanctuary of her office.
Harm took no part in the banter, but returned to his own office a thoughtful frown on his forehead, as he closed the door and lowered the blinds. He sunk into his chair and for a few moments mentally berated himself for not thinking there might have been good reason for Ellis' failure to turn to for the zero seven hundred hours meeting. But of course, all that was so unimportant compared to what had happened, and Harm, knowing that he couldn't possibly have known what was happening managed to push his vaguely felt guilt to the back of his mind and reached one more for the top file of the never-diminishing stack in his in-tray.
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Lunch was a subdued affair. The flashes of humour that had shown at the end of the all hands' muster had been a defence mechanism, but now the news had had time to sink in, and although the unfortunate Lieutenant Ellis hadn't been at JAG HQ for long enough to be widely known the quiet sadness of those who had known and liked him communicated itself to the remainder. Even the couple of tables habitually occupied by the Marines of the security detachment were quiet, as if they too were respecting the passing of one if their own.
Harm shared his table with the other three attorney Commanders, Sturgis, Carolyn and Alan, their conversation muted and confined, unusually, to business matters, the usual banter suspended for once.
"Will you be attending his funeral?" Carolyn asked Harm.
"I don't know… I mean I hardly knew the man, which is why I called the early morning meeting… so we could get to know each other as a team."
"But you are his team leader, Harm," Sturgis pointed out, "And really, even if only as a matter of duty you should attend."
"Of course, you're right. But a lot depends on his family's wishes. As far as I know he isn't… uh… wasn't married, and he was from the mid-west someplace. If the family want him buried at Arlington, then yes, of course I'll go, if they want Navy presence, but if they want him shipped home… I don't know… I'd have to speak to the Admiral about taking a couple of days."
"Adrienne," Carolyn interjected, and in answer to the blank stares of the three men continued, "She's the Chief of Staff, and all staff requests really need to go through her. Not that I foresee any objection to you, nor any of us, taking a couple of days in these sort of circumstances, but protocol…"
After a few seconds' thought Harm and the others nodded or muttered their agreement. The appointment of a full time Chief of Staff had hidden implications that none of them, with the evident exception of Carolyn Imes had even begun to take into consideration.
None of them felt like lingering over their meal, and in fact, none of them particularly felt in need of company, so in a very short time the party around the table split into its component parts and returned to their offices. Harm, for reasons best known to himself, decided to take the stairs and so was alone when he walked into the bull pen, a few minutes after the rest of the team leaders.
As he crossed the floor he was accosted by YN3 Porter, "Sir, a message from Commander Scott… she says when you have a spare moment it would be useful if you called in on her."
"Thank you, Yeoman Three." Harm checked his watch and bit back an exasperated sigh. "No time like the present," he said to the slightly surprised Amanda Porter and veered away towards the Chief of Staff's office.
A tap on her doorframe was followed by, "You wanted a word?"
Adrienne Scott looked up and gave Harm a rather tired smile. "Yes, I did, nothing vital… but… oh, dear this is awkward…"
"I've always found it best to get over heavy ground as quickly as you can," Harm offered, wondering why the Chief of Staff should look so… embarrassed. Yes, she looked embarrassed.
"Um… With Simon Ellis gone, you're a man short compared to the other teams… or you will be as soon as Colonel MacKenzie returns to duty…"
"Do we know when that's likely to be?" Harm asked, his concern over Mac rising anew.
Adrienne gave a slight shake if her head, "You know as much about where she is and what she's doing as I do. As far as I know, she's in leave for an unspecified period." She paused and gave Harm a shrewd look, "But you don't believe that do you?"
"I have to," Harm replied. "That is what the Admiral has told us, and I can't very well walk around speculating that my Commanding Officer is lying to all his staff, now, can I?"
"When you put it like that, no, you can't. But that's not what I wanted to speak with you about. Now, I've already made the same offer to Louise Arnold, who has fleeted up to take over the Colonel's team temporarily, and that is, while you're a man down, I'll be glad to bear a hand with a case or two, especially if you find that you're getting bogged down." She held up a hand, "I know, I know, you're the top gun around here, and you won't like asking for help, but look at it this way, having an ego, even a super-sized ego is okay, it's the confidence that ego gives that helps make a good attorney. But an ego is not such a good thing when it jeopardises someone's career and life, or gets in the way of finding out the truth!"
"Ouch!" Harm grimaced, "You don't pull any punches, do you?"
"I don't believe in it Harm, and that's one if the reasons, I think, that Admiral brought me in, instead of appointing one of the senior attorneys to his post. You see, you've all been here so long that you've become a sort of pseudo-family, and again that's not a bad thing – to a degree, but would you enjoy cracking the whip over everybody else, or insisting that every 'i' was dotted and every 't' crossed? No, I didn't think so, and there are one or two people here who might enjoy that aspect of the job a little too much. So…" Adrienne spread her hands and gave a slight shrug, "hence me. But I meant what I said. Not only am I willing to handle some cases for you, I'd positively welcome the chance. Like the rest of you, I do need to keep my courtroom balance!"
"I'll keep the offer in mind," Harm agreed and then with a half-smile of his own, and a nonchalant touch of forefinger to eyebrow he left the new Chief of Staff, busy with his own thoughts as he weaved his way through the maze of desks and chairs towards his own office. Her remark about some people enjoying the pettifogging aspects of the Chief of Staff's job was obviously aimed at Sturgis Turner, and that was a fair reading of the man. But to be fair to him, he had made an effort since Loren's wet-down to present a more human face to his juniors, and Harm couldn't help wonder if the reference was part of a divide and conquer policy being effected by Adrienne Scott. Still, if things did get busy, occasional access to an extra attorney wouldn't hurt, especially until Ellis was replaced.
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Harm's sombre mood continued as he worked through the stack of case files on his desk, deciding who from his team would handle which case. None of them were major cases, and he really couldn't see any of them going beyond an article thirty two hearing. Moreover, it appeared from reading the files that none of the accused had any malicious intent, nor indeed had deliberately carried out the misdemeanours with which they had been charged. It was a sad litany Harm thought of sheer human stupidity.
His mood was not improved when a tentative tap on his doorframe heralded the arrival of Lieutenant Webster.
"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" he asked in a flat tone.
"Oh… sir. I'm sorry if this is the wrong moment…"
"Hell, I don't think there'll be a right moment today, and you're here now, so you'd better spit it out!" Harm commanded.
"Yes, sir. Thank you. It's just… well, sir. If you're attending Simon's funeral – as his team leader, I mean – I would be grateful for the chance to accompany you.
"You would?" Harm asked in some surprise.
George Webster's face reddened slightly and he said somewhat reproachfully, "I am… or was… his friend, sir."
"Of course you were!" Harm gave himself a savage mental kicking for being so insensitive. "You told me that this morning, but it had slipped my mind. I'm sorry for that, and I'm sorry for your loss. If you wish to attend Simon's funeral then I will arrange it that you do. As for myself, yes, in the normal course of things I should attend, but until we hear what his family's wishes are, we are out on a limb, but as soon as I find out what arrangements are being made, then I will let you know. But, as I said, if you wish to attend his funeral as his friend then I have no problem with you taking a day, or two, if he's being shipped back to Michigan. Okay?"
"More than okay, sir! Thank you. By your leave?"
"Yes, by all means, dismissed!"
Harm watched the younger man go and sighed. He really needed to be more empathic he told himself. And he should certainly have remembered Webster's claim to have been Ellis' friend and gone to him, rather than have the Lieutenant come begging him for a favour!
That last thought left a sour taste in Harm's mouth that lasted the rest of the afternoon. Never, it seemed, had the hands on the clock moved so slowly, and never was he more relieved when the call to secure was finally sounded.
xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx
Harm's grim mood lasted almost all the way to the Rochambeau Memorial Bridge, having decided to take the Arlington Boulevard and S Washington Boulevard route home, but then the anticipation of seeing Beth and Mattie again at the end of one the worst days in recent history gave a lift to his spirits, as did the memory of his surliness of yesterday evening and the promise he had made himself not, in future to bring his work troubles home with him.
Even so, he was still not, despite his attempt, back to his normal cheerful self when he turned the key in the lock and let himself into the apartment. Mattie was home, the discarded book bag just inside the door and the padded pink jacket thrown carelessly over one of the kitchen stools was ample proof of that. With a resigned shake of his head, he hung his cover on its peg, and fingers already busy with his uniform jacket he went through to Mattie's bedroom, where as he had expected the door was closed.
His knock and cry of "Man on deck!" was sufficient warning to Mattie that she was not alone, and that she had thirty seconds to respond before Harm opened the door and walked in.
"Wait!" therefore came on the instant and Harm smothered a grin as he heard, through the door, Mattie jumping up and down in an effort to squeeze herself into a pair of jeans – her favourite pair – which she was fast outgrowing.
"Okay! You can come in now!" she exclaimed.
Harm entered to find a slightly red-faced and still puffing Mattie perched on the end of her bed, a huge grin on her face.
"Hey Squirt," he smiled, "how're you doing?"
"Pretty good, pretty good!" Mattie grinned.
"Well, that's great, but what do you think Beth's going to say when she comes in, any minute now, and sees your stuff lying all over the place?"
"Oh… I was just going to pick up when you knocked. And it hasn't been there long. Honest. I only got in about ten minutes before you did."
Harm looked at his watch and frowned, "School finished over two hours ago! Where have you been? You know you're supposed to come straight home!"
Mattie looked dumbfounded for a second and then said indignantly, "It was the volleyball team try-outs today! You signed the permission slip for me, and I reminded you this morn… Oh, no… I didn't... I reminded Beth, and I told her that Mrs Smithfield would give me a ride home. And she did. And she waited in the alley until I was indoors!"
Harm had to chuckle as Mattie mounted her indignant defence, "Okay, Squirt, no need for a full hearing. Yeah, you're right, I did sign the permission slip, and yeah, I did forget that today was the day. So…" he eyed the youngster keenly, looking for any signs of disappointment, "How did it go?"
Mattie's face split into a huge grin, "It was great! Both me and Susan – that's Susan Smithfield – we both made the cut, and we're in the starting line-up for the beginning of the season, but that does mean that every Wednesday afternoon I'm going to be late getting home from practice!" she end slightly defensively, but Harm just reached out and tousled her hair, something he did to tease her.
"Good for you! I never doubted you could do it!" he exclaimed.
"Ah... gerroff!" Mattie growled as she squirmed further along the bed, out of Harm's reach or so she hoped, torn between pleasure at his praise and annoyance because of his hair tousling trick.
Harm stood, "Okay, I'm going to have a quick shower and get changed. While I'm doing that, how about you picking up and then putting a pot of coffee on?"
"Marine grade?" Mattie asked resignedly.
"Is there any other way?" Harm laughed as he beat a retreat to his own room.
By the time Harm emerged from his room all evidence of Mattie's arrival had disappeared and the aroma of fresh-brewed, string coffee filled the air. And so, Harm winced, did the sight Mattie in her favourite sweater, an ancient, nubbly affair in vivid reds, yellows, oranges and greens all of which by some miracle of nature managed to clash horribly with her hair.
"Thanks, Squirt," Harm said as he propped himself onto one if the stools at the kitchen counter and took a mouthful of coffee. Swallowing the drink he nodded at Mattie's sweater, "You know, that thing ought to be reported to the EPA!"
"Hey, I only wear it indoors, and it's warm!"
"Are you saying this apartment is cold?" Harm challenged her.
"Damn straight!" Mattie said, "Oh, it's okay now, but at the end if the evening, I can feel that my fingers, toes and nose are cold!"
"Well… I suppose we could afford to turn the furnace up a degree or two, it probably might not break the bank," Harm teased the teenager.
"Har, har, very funny!" Mattie retorted.
"Seriously, Mattie, if you do start to feel cold in the evenings, then for heaven's sake say so! I've gotten used to the temperature in here, but I won't have you or Beth getting ill, just because I like it cool."
"I thought some liked it hot?" Beth interrupted from the doorway.
"Only if they've never had the seven year itch!" Harm shot back almost jumping from his stool to cross the floor in three swift steps, to catch Skates in his arms and lift her off her feet before kissing her urgently.
"Wow! What was that for?" Beth asked breathlessly when the kiss had ended and Harm had set her back gently on her feet.
"Oh, 'cause I love you, and, I really missed you today."
"Oh, that's nice to know," Beth smiled, but whether it was because she'd had long exposure to the enigma that Harm could on occasion be, or whether it was because she loved him was something Skates didn't know, but there was no doubt in the petite brunette's mind as she looked up into his eyes that something, something dark was bothering Harm.
Mattie watched the kiss with resignation. It didn't look as if these two, Ham and Beth, were ever going to stop making out like hormonal teenagers, so she guessed she had better get used to it. Mattie lacked Beth's deeper understanding of Harm and saw nothing wrong with him, although in great part that had been due to the act he had put on for her, so when the kiss broke, and Harm and Beth had murmured their few private words, Mattie said, "You know guys, I wish you wouldn't speak in code."
"Code?" Harm and Beth just looked at each other and then back at Mattie.
"Yeah. All this secret squirrel stuff about hot itches," the teenager complained.
Harm and Beth looked at the teenager and then back at each other, a shared look of incomprehension in their face, and then as their memories kicked in they both broke into laughter, although, and again to Beth's ears only, there was that uncertain undertone to Harm's chuckle.
"Oh, that wasn't code," Harm objected once he'd stopped laughing, "Those were the names of two classic films starring Marilyn Monroe."
"Marilyn who?" Mattie asked blankly.
Even Beth was taken aback at that, "Tell me you're kidding!" she exclaimed, "Do you really mean that you've never heard of Marilyn Monroe?"
"Nope never. Was she big time or just some kind of bit actress, 'cause that would explain why I've never heard of her."
"Oh, she was big time. Very big time! In her day she was the top Hollywood actress!" Harm added, deciding for the moment not to clue Mattie in on the rumours of the star's involvement with the Mob, or her rumoured affair with the then President.
"Well, that's decided what we're going to do this evening!" Skates declared, "We'll watch those two movies!"
"Hey you said they were classics," the teenager objected, "So that means they're black and white and no action!"
"Not these, Mattie," Beth promised, "They're more like rom-coms, chick flicks if you like. You'll enjoy them!"
"But only after Mattie has done her homework," Harm interjected sternly.
"Oh that goes without saying. So… While Mattie's doing her homework, I'll get changed and go down to the video store and you can make a start on dinner."
"Sounds like a plan, and if Mattie hasn't finished her homework by then, we can make a start on the lick of paint in your bedroom."
"Oh, yes…" Beth sighed happily, and then turned her attention once more to Mattie, "So, come on kiddo, homework. Now!"
"I'm gone, I'm gone," Mattie grumbled cheerfully, "But you two can't kid me, you don't really care if I do my homework. You just want to be left alone so you can make out!"
"That's not a bad idea, making out, although it is a little early in the evening…" Harm said, looping a long arm around Beth's waist and drawing her in stop
Beth however, put her two hands flat against Harm's chest and looked up into his eyes. "Okay, Hammer, what's bugging you?"
"That obvious, hey? So much for trying to leave work related matters at work!"
"Well, it seems to have worked with Mattie, but I've known you for a lot longer, and I don't figure there's much that you can hide from me."
Harm gave a wry grin, "Apparently not."
Beth, still leaning back against the support of Harm's hands on her hips, persisted, "So, give!"
Harm let go of Beth's hips but then taking her by the hand he led her back over to the breakfast bar and indicated that she should pop up onto one of the stools, while he propped his hip against the stool next to hers. "I had that the early morning meeting this morning, it was a team meet and greet type thing, just getting to know each other. I was pretty pissed when one of the team failed to show up. By mid-morning he still hadn't made his number, and I was thinking about going to see the Admiral and charging him with UA. But before I could do that, the Admiral called an all hands' muster, and announced that my missing guy, a Lieutenant, had been hit by a car on his way in the morning and had just died in Bethesda hospital. I know I had no way of knowing any of this, buy I have been feeling like a real first class louse all afternoon."
Beth nodded, "Yeah I can see how you feel like that, but when someone is adrift we usually tend to think it's their fault. Maybe because we don't want to think of them lying in a hospital bed or on the mortuary slab. But Harm, you shouldn't beat yourself up over this."
Harm nodded, his expression serious, "I know, I know. And it's all perfectly logical, but sometimes the heart tells the head to stop being an asshole."
"Agreed. Will you be going to his funeral?"
Harm very nearly shrugged, "You're about the forty eleventh person to ask me that this afternoon, and the short answer is I don't know and I won't know until his family tell the Navy what they want to do. If it's Arlington, then yes definitely. If it's a full naval burial in his hometown, then again, yes. If it's a private ceremony, then whether I attend or not is up to his family. What makes it worse is that the other Lieutenant on my team was his buddy, and he definitely wants to attend."
"That's rough," Beth agreed softly, "But it wasn't your fault."
"I know that up here…" Harm tapped the side of his head with a ling finger, "But the message hasn't gotten through to here, yet!" he now pointed to his heart.
"And that's just one of things I love about you," Beth smiled. "And it's part of my job to keep you on an even keel, so what I recommend this evening is a good dinner and a couple of light-hearted movies. They won't remove the memory, but they might lighten the mood."
Harm's smile this time around was genuine, although it held a hint of wistfulness, "If you ever realise just how very, very good you are for me, then I'm going to be in deep trouble!"
"Flattery will get you just about everything," Beth smiled and slid off her stool, "but you'll have to wait! This girl needs her shower and to get dressed in something a little more comfortable!"
xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx-xxxxx
It was with a much lighter heart and a feeling of ease of mind that by nineteen hundred hours Harm was able to sit up at the counter for dinner with Beth and Mattie.
Once dinner was over, however, he fixed Mattie with a glance as that young lady prepared to slide off her stool, "Finished your homework?" he asked.
"Sure did!" Mattie grinned.
"And it was?" Beth asked.
Mattie sighed, and settled back on her stool, "Read and make notes on the General Prologue to the Canterbury Tales."
"Well… from what I remember that's a pretty good, if somewhat earthy collection of stories," Beth said doubtfully.
"In the original Middle English?" Mattie challenged.
"Can't be that different. It's still English, isn't it?" Harm asked.
"Yeah? Try this!" Mattie said defiantly, and wanting to show off just a little, cleared her throat.
"Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote
And bathed every veyne in swich licour
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan Zephirus eek with his swete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tender croppes and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Ram his halfe course y-ronne,
And smale fowles maken melodye.
That slepen al the nicht with open ye
So priketh hem nature in hir corages
Than longen folk to goon on pilgrimages…"
Harm stared at Mattie with an expression of sheer amazement on his face and then turned to Beth, "Good God…. I've never heard anything like that before in all my life!"
Beth shook her head, "No, nor did I! I mean I've read the Tales… but I never thought they would sound like that!"
Mattie blushed slightly, "Yeah, well, we've got a DVD in English Lit, made by the British Broadcasting Corporation. It's a stop motion movie with clay figures, and the voice coach is a professor of Middle English from Cambridge University, England. Miss Berrington, our English Lit teacher was telling us all about what she called the great vowel shift, which happened in the years after the Canterbury Tales were written, so that by the time of Shakespeare, it was modern English… well, in sound anyway, 'cause I wouldn't call Shakespeare modern!" Mattie ended decidedly.
"Well, I have some sympathy with that," Harm said quietly as a smile of reminiscence spread over his face.
"Do tell," Beth invited him, her voice rich with irony.
"Well… I don' think it's any secret that as a kid I spent most of my summers at Gram's farm in Belleville, Pennsylvania – and we are going to have to visit her soon. I mean I've told her all about you two, and she definitely wants to meet you. I'm just waiting for the weather to get a little better. I do not want to risk driving up to Belleville in any kind of storm!"
"Yes, yes!" Beth said impatiently, "But what about you and Shakespeare?"
"I was coming to that!" Harm defended himself with outraged dignity. "As I said, I spent most of my summers up there, and at that time Grams didn't have a TV, but what she did have was a well-stocked bookshelf! Including all the works of Shakespeare, and I guess over the years I read 'em all. I'm not so keen on the tragedies, but I like the history plays and the comedies. But I agree, the language can be a challenge, and the way I found around the problem was to read slowly, one phrase at a time, and when I didn't know the meaning of a word, well, Grams had a huge volume of Webster's, and if the answer wasn't there then I could ask Grams." Harm suddenly laughed.
"I had to be careful how I phrased the question, though, I can still feel the weight of her hand the one time I suggested – in all innocence – that she must know what the answer was, because she was old enough to remember it!"
Beth looked shocked and said "Ouch!"
"Was that for my ear, or for Gram's ego?" Harm grinned, while Mattie just stared at him in fascinated horror.
"You… you didn't accuse her of being as old as Shakespeare… did you?" she asked slowly.
Harm nodded, "'Fraid so. But I only did it the once!"
"I'll bet!" Beth grinned. "You know, all of a sudden I'm looking forward to meeting your grandmother!" Then she fell silent for a moment and added, "Which reminds me. It's just as well that I've managed to get the furniture delivery for my room organised for Friday… No, it's all right, Harm, I've taken a day's leave."
"Why does that… how does that connect with you meeting Grams?" Harm asked.
"Um… well… You see, it's like this, sort of…" Beth said hesitantly."
"Go on, spit it out…" Harm said in a resigned voice, he had a feeling in the pit of his stomach as to what was coming.
"Well… pretty much like you talking to your grandmother about Mattie and me, I've been talking to my folks about you and Mattie, and well, dad's okay, buy mom's all sort of fired up and wants to visit with us, just to see exactly 'what sort of mess' – her words, not mine – that I've gotten myself into," Beth said diffidently.
"And?" Harm asked, knowing that there was more to come.
"Well, I put them off as long as I could, but mom's kind of determined that way, once she gets the bit between her teeth, and they'll be here, in DC, next Friday…"
"It can't be that bad, can it?" Mattie asked, "After all, from what you told me about your family, your mom sounds like she's a lot of fun."
"Oh, she is – generally," Beth replied, "but she can be a little bit old fashioned where her daughters are concerned."
"Well then, she's got nothing to worry about here, has she?" Mattie asked, "After all, it's not as if you and Harm are actually sleeping together," Mattie pressed home her point with a teenager's relentless intensity.
Harm and Beth exchanged a look that each interpreted correctly as the other asking 'How the hell did we get into this in the first place?'
Harm was the first to recover, "No, no we're not, but, young lady, and even if we were it's none of your nevermind!"
"Oh, I know that," was Mattie's unabashed reply, "But I just can't figure what you two are getting your panties in a wad about."
"Mattie!" Beth and Harm thundered their rebuke in chorus.
"What?" Mattie asked innocently.
Beth looked helplessly at Harm, "Let's just drop it for the moment, right?"
"Fine by me!" Harm said, "But as for you, young lady, remember the house rules! Those that cook don't clear up. And I am going to start painting!" he finished with awful dignity and stalked off into his room to change into his overalls.
Mattie and Beth looked at each other and shared a giggle, but Beth also shook her head reprovingly, "You are going to be the death of both of us! And for heaven's sake when my parents do arrive, don't you dare say anything like that in front of them!"
"Who? Me?" Mattie asked a mischievous grin on her face.
"Yes, you! And I mean that!" Beth said firmly.
"Okay, I'll be good," Mattie agreed.
Beth raised her eyes to heaven, "Thank you, God!" she lowered her gaze again to Mattie and said, "I strongly recommend that you make a start on the clearing away before Harm reappears."
"Why, what are you going to do?" Mattie asked in dismay as she looked at the dinner wreckage.
"Me? I'm going to change into an old pair of jeans and an old sweat shirt, and then I'm going to give Harm a hand with the painting!"