Killian Jones was a badass. He was a pirate captain on the seven seas, and his fearsome ship was named The Jolly Roger. Now, many people would tell you that Killian Jones was terrifying. Those people were probably as drunk as I was pretending to be when I wrote those first two sentences.

You see, Killian Jones was going through a difficult time in his life. His brother had recently died right in his arms, and he had given up a promising naval career in order to become the pirate captain he was at this point in time. Killian knew that he had to keep up his image, he knew that he must be loyal to no king, and that he must avenge the death of his brother. These would have been nice guidelines. Would have been.

That is simply because Killian Jones is a pussy.

When he tried to have that distinctive pirate swagger, he just looked like an out-of-place kangaroo with both legs horrendously broken. When he attempted to woo women, they asked him to be their gay best friends. When he tried to get hammered off rum, he was presented with a sippy cup full of apple juice. It only made it worse when he actually drank from it. More than once. Then asked for a refill. Yes, Killian Jones was indeed, a pussy.

Today, however, Killian had had enough of all his crewmates's teasing. Today, Killian Jones was getting... an ear piercing. Though from outside of the hut his ear was being pierced in, you would have thought that a woman was giving birth, due to the girlish screams.

"It bloody hurt!" Killian later replied to his lieutenant, when asked about his screaming. " Tis' alike to a miniature stab wound!" Of course, it wasn't really that bad. Killian Jones was just trying to not seem like a pussy. Surprisingly enough, his crew began to answer to him after the piercing in question. During their next voyage, which would take place over the course of a month, his crew responded to him better than ever. Killian was loving it- finally, he found a place to belong!

When the made port, after robbing a few ships here and there, they were merry and drunk as ever, and set off in search of women and alcohol, a most dangerous combination. When Killian waltzed into the little main street, a woman grabbed him by the forearm and dragged him into her hut.

"What the bloody hell is all this about?!" He angrily exclaimed. The woman just shook her head sadly, and handed him a mirror. At first, Killian only noticed how 'ruggedly handsome' he was after a full month on his ship. It took him a moment, but he finally stopped staring at his own 'fine beard' long enough to look at his earring.

It had kept its silvery shine, though his ear had not. Killian did not have mirrors on his ship due to superstition, so you could imagine his surprise when he saw his ear, green as a spring afternoon.

The woman, knowing what he had seen, snatched away the mirror, and set to work. She rubbed something that burnt him deeply into the green, and soon enough his ear was bandaged up, and she shoved him out of her hut, helping herself to the few gold pieces he had thrown her on his way out.

As she watched his swagger poorly off into the distance, a soft, sweet whisper left her mouth as she leaned against the doorway.

"Pussy."

This is based off of a tumblr prompt from phil-the-stone. Make sure to check out their tumblr!